..: Oh I Wish I Were an Oscar Mayer Mutant :..

About the title: The title is always the last thing I do for the chappie, for some odd reason. And an Oscar Mayer commercial just happened to be playing.

Thanks to Cat2Fat900, EE's Skysong, psychobunny410, and crystalwish for reviewing! CF, I TOTALLY agree about the Statue of Liberty thing. That gives me an idearr…hehehe. Because of all the JOGAN, I think I've accidentally turned Logan into a homicidal maniac bent on murdering Jean whenever possible…oh well. Ooh I'm American! (waves) I live in Cali, though. Yeah, I've never seen Kill Bill on any of the movie channels, but I think Bravo showed Pulp Fiction once. I recommend renting the DVDs. Oh, and the Lame Cameo Dude was Piotr. I didn't realize it was him until the second time I saw the movie, and was all, "Ohh! He's DRAWING!" Skysong, yeah, Johnny-boy was blond in the comics, but it worked in the comics. In the movie, he looked kinda…stupid…I dunno why, but surfer comes to mind for some reason. And Evo John…with blond hair…THAT is just not right. In my opinion, everyone can be a "meep" person when that intimidated. But that's just me. Psychobunny, destroying the mansion is fun! In the VG X-Men: Legends, with the Juggernaut flashback, I like taking forever to kill him just so he'll destroy the place…and in the DR sessions with the mansion, I like destroying furniture. Aww BR isn't at your library? That sucks. It'd probably be at any bookstore, although I'm not sure which genre…but the manga should definitely be there. Not that I've read the manga, I'm not entire sure it's even in English…if you ever find it in a bookstore or something, I recommend reading it! You'd probably have to buy it, though; it's pretty long.

DISCLAIMER: "Little Miss Run-Home-To-My-Daddy…ran home to her daddy."

Kelly and Guyrich got out of a limo and walked to a helicopter, surrounded by cheering crowds bearing signs saying things like "Send Mutants to the Moon" and holding up effigies with "Mr. Mutant" signs around the necks. After waving to the crowd for a while, Kelly finally got in and the ashyish-paleish-skinned pilot took off.

Inside the copter, Kelly was on the phone with a senator. "Senator, listen, you favor gun registration, right? Well, some of these so-called children possess much more than ten times the destructive force of any handgun. No, I don't see a difference. All I see are weapons in our schools. Well, that's fair enough. All right." And he hung up.

"So?" Guyrich asked.

Kelly tossed the cell phone to Guyrich, who put it in his jacket. "It's gonna be close," Kelly said. "A vote this loaded is always close."

"What about the U.N. summit?" Guyrich asked. "The whole world will be watching. Maybe there's some way you could use that to your advantage."

"We're Americans, Henry," Kelly said.

Beast popped up. "Someone say my name?"

"NO," Forge said.

"Oh, okay," Beast said, and popped back out.

"Let the rest of the damn world deal with mutants in their own way," Kelly said. "You know this situation? These mutants?" He looked out the window. "People like this Jean Grey? If it were up to me, I'd lock them all away."

Guyrich twitched.

"It's a war," Kelly continued. "It's the reason people like me exist." He looked down out the window again and saw that they were flying over water. "Where the hell are we?" He turned back in time to see Guyrich finish morphing into Mystique. No, she did not have scales, and no, she was not just about naked. Because in my opinion, it works on Rebecca Romijn, but Evo-Mystique…ew. "PILOT!" Kelly yelled, getting up.

Mystique pushed him back down with her foot and wrapped both around his head. "You know, people like you are the reason I was afraid to go to school as a child," she said. She kicked him across the face several times before he got knocked out, then walked into the cockpit and climbed into the copilot's seat. Sitting in the pilot's seat, Todd grinned.

BACK IN THE INSTITUTE'S INFIRMARY…

This time, Logan was in for X-Rays. Fun fun fun! Jean had finished putting more of those sticky pads that CF hates so much on him. "I'm sorry," Logan said.

"For what?" Jean asked.

"For not tearing out your jugular when I had the chance," Logan said.

"That's so not the line, but I agree," Forge said. Everyone else nodded in assent.

Jean glared at them and ripped off the sticky pads as hard as she could.

"SON OF A-!" (1)

"Logan, watch your language!" Ororo yelled.

"All I said was son of a," Logan said.

Jean pressed a button on a machine, and Logan slid into the X-Ray thingie.

Inside the X-Ray thingie, there were seven glass panels surrounding Logan. The top would light up, then the next two, then the next two, then the next two, while Jean looked on the monitor of the machine outside.

"The metal is an alloy called adamantium," Jean explained to Xavier, Scott, and Ororo later while they stared at the X-Ray pictures. "Supposedly indestructible, it's been surgically grafted to his entire skeleton."

"How could he have survived a procedure like that?" Ororo asked.

"His mutation," Jean said. "He has uncharted regenerative capability, which enables him to heal rapidly. This also makes his age impossible to determine. He could very well be older than you, Professor."

"That's more than a little obvious," Xavier said, "Considering he was in WWII."

"Who did this to him?" Scott asked.

"He doesn't know," Jean said. "Nor does he remember anything about his life before it happened.

"Experimentation on mutants," Xavier murmured. "It's not unheard of. But I've never seen anything like this before."

"What do you think Magneto wants with him?" Scott asked.

"I'm not entirely sure it's him Magneto wants," Xavier said.

Pietro zoomed in. "AHEM!" he coughed very loudly, and zoomed back out.

AT MAGNETO'S SECRET BASE…

Kelly finally came to. The first thing he saw was Mystique glaring at him. He looked behind him and saw Sabes glaring at him. He looked to his left and saw Todd glaring at him.

A little nightingale cooed on a branch not too far from Todd. Todd opened his mouth, grabbed the bird, and brought his tongue back in. Still glaring at Kelly, he ate the rest of the feathers sticking out of his mouth. "Tastes like chicken, yo," he said cheerfully.

"Ewwwwwwwwww," Kelly said.

"Toad has a wicked tongue, Senator," Magsy said, walking up from behind to stand in front of him with Mystique. "Just like you."

"Who are you people?" Kelly demanded. "Where's Henry?"

"Mr. Guyrich has been dead for some time, Senator," Magsy said. "But I've had Mystique here keep you company. She takes so many shapes."

"Whatever you do to me," Kelly said, "You'll make me right. Every word I've spoken will be confirmed."

Mystique grinned sadistically, then went to stand by Sabes. They both faced the other way and kept their arms crossed, glaring.

"Are you a God-fearing man, Senator?" Magsy asked. "That's such a strange phrase. I've always thought of God as a teacher, as a bringer of light, wisdom and understanding. You see, I think what you really are afraid of is me. Me and my kind. The Brotherhood of Mutants."

Magsy turned and walked toward the weird machine thingie. Kelly, who was strapped into a metal chair, followed him. "Though it's not so surprising, really," Magsy continued. "Mankind has always feared what it doesn't understand." Magsy held up a hand, and the chair stopped moving. "Well, don't fear God, Senator, and certainly don't fear me," Magsy said, walking into the machine thingie. "Not anymore."

"What do you intend to do to me?" Kelly asked.

Magsy started rising in the machine. "Let's just say God works too slowly," he said. He rose up into the spinning blade part and clamped his hands down on the posts. The blades started spinning faster and faster and faster and faster and faster and – well, you get the idea.

And then that freeeaky radiation stuff started pouring out of the top and bottom, met in the middle, and spread. Past Kelly, past Toad, past Sabes and Mystique…oddly enough, only Kelly seemed to be affected by it. Gee, I wonder why.

Pietro ran in, said "AHEM!" very loudly, glanced at Kelly (who was screaming his head off) oddly, did the same for his dad (who looked like he was going to pass out or crack one off or something), and ran back out.

And then the freeeaky radiation stuff stopped.

"…WOW," Todd said. "Let's do that again!" (2)

BACK AT THE INSTITUTE…

Jean was showing Logan his room. "I think you'll be comfortable here," she said, turning on a lamp.

"Where's your room?" Logan asked.

"With Scott down the hall," Jean said.

"Then I can murder both of you in your sleep," Logan muttered diabolically.

"What?" Jean asked.

"Um, I said, then both of you must have good-smelling feet," Logan said.

"…Okay," Jean said with a shrug.

Logan opened his wardrobe. "Is that your gift?" he asked. "Putting up with that guy?"

"Actually, it's putting out," Jean said.

"THAT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" Logan yelled, running frantically in circles around the room and banging his head on random things.

"Someone get the sedative!" Forge yelled. Kurt bamfed in and handed him the bri – I mean, sedative. Forge then slammed the sedative against Logan's skull the next time he ran by, rendering him unconscious.

THIRTY SECONDS LATER…

Logan popped back up, rubbing the back of his head. "I feel like I just got hit on the head by a brick," he said.

"No, you just had a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster," Forge said. (3)

"…Riiiight," Logan said, having never read that book.

Jean went on to talk about her powers. "Actually, I'm telekinetic," she said. "I can move things with my mind."

"Really?" Logan said. "What kinds of things?"

Jean TK'dly shut the wardrobe door. "All kinds of things. I also have some telepathic ability."

"What, like Chuck?" Logan asked.

"Can't call him that yet…" Forge muttered.

They ignored him. "Nowhere near that powerful," Jean said. "But he's teaching me to develop it."

"I'm sure he is," Logan said. "So read my mind."

"I'd rather not," Jean said.

"What, you afraid you might like it?" Logan said.

"I doubt it," Jean said. But she read his mind anyway.

WHAT JEAN SAW…

For one thing, everything had a greenish tinge to it. Like they were using rancid water or something.

But that's not the important part. There were also scientist/doctor/surgeon/whatevers standing over a big glass tub. And in the tub, with pen markings all over him, was…Logan!

BACK IN THE REAL WORLD…

Pietro ran in. "That is a hint," he said. "…For the sequel!" And he ran out.

"Don't remind me," Logan said with a shudder. He looked at Jean and shuddered again.

Scott came in. "Scott!" Jean said, sounding pretty surprised for someone who's supposedly psychic. "Good night, Logan," she said, and walked out.

"You gonna tell me to stay away from your girl?" Logan asked Scott.

"If I had to do that, she wouldn't be my girl," Scott said.

"Well, then, I guess you got nothing to worry about, do you, Slim?" Logan said.

"Yeah, it must just burn you up that a boy like me saved your life, huh?" Scott said.

"You're a boy scout, that's your purpose in life," Logan said airily. Obviously, it didn't "burn him up". At all.

"Well," Scott said. "Stay away from my girl."

Jean came storming back. "Your girl? YOUR GIRL?" she demanded. "What, am I your PROPERTY now? I BELONG to you? Am I like your SLAVE or something? Is THAT how you see it, Scott? Is it? Huh? I am NOT your PROPERTY, I don't BELONG to anyone but myself. I'M A FEMINIST, DAMNIT!" And with that rant, she stormed out.

"…That was totally normal and not weird at all," Forge said.

(1) – I actually have no idea if those hurt when you rip them off (I've never had that experience), but to my best knowledge, just about anything that is sticky and adhesive to one's skin hurts at least a little when ripped off.

(2) – Gee, I wonder where this is from?

(3) – After seeing the last half hour of The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy while waiting for Star Wars to start in the next theater, I felt obligated to start reading the books. I'm only on chappie 13 or so, but whatever. Anyway, according to the Guide, the best drink in the known universe is the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster. It has the effect of having your brains smashed out with a lemon…wrapped around a large gold brick. And yes, the sedative/brick bit is from Skysong. I don't know which ficcie it originated in, though.

Yeah, it was kinda short. Sowwies! But do review!