..: Why Things Shouldn't Be Made of Metal :..
Thanks to todd fan, crystalwish, psychobunny410, EE's Skysong, and Dru for reviewing! Psychobunny, yep, I know Stan Lee makes a cameo in almost all Marvel movies. I just felt like pointing it out, cuz…yeah. Skysong, I found it! Funny ficcie. Disturbing, but funny. Yes, I do know that I have way too much useless knowledge. My friends tell me that all the time. I will be doing Holes…um…after Shrek 2 and X2. Or after Shrek 2 and before X2. I'm not sure which order yet. Ah, VCRs are an evil thing. I haven't used mine in forever, cuz I have DVDs. Netflix is a wonderful thing for someone as lazy as moi.
DISCLAIMER: "It's all in your attitude. I once walked out of a Wal-Mart carrying a DVD player and a fax machine, and they held the door open for me."
(Louis Sachar must be cracking. In the screen test auditions, Miguel Castro – that would be Magnet – said Sears. And Khleo Thomas – that would be Zero – said he got arrested stealing shoes from Payless. And when Max Kasch – that would be Zigzag – called him, he said it wasn't Payless!)
(For those of you who are über confused right now, the disclaimer quote is a line Magnet says in Stanley Yelnat's Survival Guide to Camp Green Lake.)
Rogue was on a train. All by herself. Wearing Remy's trenchcoat.
She looked over across the aisle where Leech and his mom were sitting. Leech had his head leaning on his mom's shoulder, and she was stroking his hair.
Well, if that doesn't make her feel lonely, I don't know what does.
"Hey, kid."
Rogue turned to see Logan standing next to her chair. He sat down. "I'm sorry about last night."
"Meh too," Rogue said.
"You running again?" Logan asked.
"Ah heard tha professor was mad at me," Rogue said.
"Who told you that?" Logan demanded.
"A boy at school," Rogue said.
BACK AT THE INSTITUTE…
Bobby, Ray, and Robbie were walking down a hallway. "When's the last time you saw her?" Robbie asked.
"She was supposed to meet me for lunch," Bobby said.
"Ooh, sounds like a date," Ray said in a sing-song voice. "…Did that sound gay?" (1)
Right after they walked by an elevator, it opened and out stepped…another Bobby! GASP!
AT THE TRAIN STATION…
"You look around," Ororo said to Scott. "I'll check with the ticket agent." She walked off, and Scott looked around aimlessly.
BACK AT THE INSTITUTE…
"Bobby" was standing in front of Cerebro. "He" knelt, morphing "his" face for the eye scanner.
"Like, welcome, Professor!" Kitty's recorded voice squealed. "Bobby" flinched.
The door opened, and "Bobby" morphed into Mystique. She slid open a panel in Cerebro, disconnected a tube, attached it to a canister of black liquid, and plugged the canister in. The liquid in the main tube changed from bluish to dark, dark, brown. Mystique slid the panel shut. Mission Accomplished.
BACK ON THE TRAIN…
"Yah think Ah should go back," Rogue said to Logan.
"No, I think you should follow your instincts," Logan said.
Rogue thought for a moment. "Tha first boy Ah ever kissed-"
Remy nodded, a huge smirk on his face, and pointed to himself.
"-ended up in a coma foah three weeks."
Remy stopped smirking. "Non, it was more like a few hours," he said. (2)
"Ah can still feel him inside mah head," Rogue continued. Remy started smirking again. "And it's tha same with yah. Except yoah psyche seems bent on beatin' his ta a pulp." Remy stopped smirking. Again.
Rogue squeezed her eyes shut, but tears rolled down her cheeks anyway.
Tabby was crying, too. However, she also had Alex in a headlock, who was holding (yet another) half-eaten raw onion and screaming about starting his own team and working undercover and having a hot chick. A HOT CHICK! (3)
Logan mistook the onion tears as real tears and went on a fatherly stint, putting his arm around her. Rogue shrugged and leaned her head against him, crying harder. Probably because Alex had dropped the onion and it had now rolled right next to her seat.
"There's not many people that'll understand what you're going through," Logan said, "But I think this guy Xavier's one of them. He seems to genuinely want to help you, and that's a rare thing," he paused for effect, "…For people like us."
Rogue opened her eyes (having fallen asleep during Logan's little speech) and looked up at him. She sat up as the train rumbled to life and started moving.
"So, whaddya say?" Logan asked. "Give these geeks one more shot?"
"Why must everyone call us geeks?" Scott whined.
"Probably because you're our leader," Kurt said.
"Come on, I'll take care of you," Logan said to Rogue.
"Yah promise?" Rogue asked.
Logan nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I promise."
BACK IN THE TRAIN STATION…
Scott was reading the timetables when he saw Torpid and Jamie staring at him (probably because of his visor). They both smiled at him. Scott smiled back.
Callisto, who was holding their hands – "Why am I the babysitter?" – noticed Scott smiling at them and quickly dragged them away, probably thinking he was a freaky stalker Michael Jackson-esque guy.
Storm was talking to the Kurt the Ticket Booth Guy. "She's about 17," Ororo said. "Uh, my height. Has brown hair, and she-"
Evan the Dude Behind Ororo got shoved aside. Ororo spun around to see Sabes, who immediately grabbed her by the throat and picked her up off the ground. "Scream for me," he growled. He shoved her against the glass window, cracking it.
Scott turned to see Sabes holding Ororo by the throat and started walking over there. What he didn't see was Todd climb up the wall behind him.
Scott was still walking when Todd, now upside down on the ceiling, grabbed his visor with his tongue. Oddly enough, Scott kept his eyes open for three full seconds and stared at the ceiling before he got smart and shut his eyes.
Meanwhile, Ororo's eyes had gone completely white instead of glowy-ish. Sabes looked up just in time to get zapped by a bolt of lightning.
Do you want to know what happened?
The same thing that happens to everything else. (4)
Sabes flew back, crashed through the wall, and landed on the platform on the other side.
Todd hopped over and stood over him. "Quit playing around, yo," he said, and hopped off before Sabes could throttle him.
ON THE TRAIN…
The train suddenly screeched to a halt, freaking a lot of people out. Logan and Rogue stood up and looked around. Everything metal (except Logan) seemed to be having some sort of spazz attack.
And then the train split in two. Logan jerked aroundlike a possessed voodoo doll while Rogue latched on to his upper arm, screaming like Banshee.
And in floated Magsy. Logan shot out his claws.
Rogue shook her head sadly. "Yah'd think he'd learned tha first tahme," she said.
"You must be Wolverine," Magsy said as he casually walked over to them.
Logan walked forward until Magsy held out a hand. Then Logan stopped dead still. "That remarkable metal of yours doesn't run through your entire body, does it?" He jerked his hand, and Logan straightened, then slowly rose in the air while his claws stretched out and as far from each other as they could.
"Stop!" Rogue shrieked. "Stop it!"
Logan glared defiantly at Magsy. "What the hell do you want with me?" he demanded.
"You?" Magsy said. "My dear boy, whoever said I wanted you?"
Pietro ran in, yelled, "AHA!", then ran back out.
Logan managed to move his head a little so he could look over at Rogue, whose eyes were wide and looked scared shitless.
Magsy pointed his finger, and Logan flew back to the other end of the train, where he landed in a not-so-crumpled heap.
Rogue then did one of the stupidest things she could have done: she got up and ran back to where Logan was. Magsy magnetically shot her with a dart, and she fell over.
Magsy rolled his eyes. "Young people," he muttered.
Logan stuck a finger in the air from his not-so-crumpled heap at the end of the train. "You watch your language, lil boy," he slurred, obviously still dizzy from smashing into the wall. "I'm TEN times the king Mystique was!" (5) He fell back over.
OUTSIDE THE TRAIN STATION…
Magsy, Sabes, and Todd walked out of the train station. Todd had a bag containing Rogue slung over his shoulder and Scott's visor on his head.
Magsy opened the doors to see several police cars parked in front. Evan the Bullet Cop was talking through a megaphone. "All right, hold it," he said. "Hold it right there. Stay where you are. Put your hands over your head. Now."
Magys smiled sadistically and raised his hands above his head. Two police cars just happened to go with them.
Magsy dropped his hands, and the cars crashed onto two other ones. All of the cops immediately pointed their guns at him.
Then all the guns were jerked out of their hands. Ray even tried to hold on to his gun and got absolutely nothing out of it besides a facefull of dirt.
Magsy pointed the guns back at their previous owners. "You Homo sapiens and your guns," he muttered.
Sabes grabbed Magsy by the throat. "That's enough, Eric," he growled.
Todd turned. "Let them go."
Magsy looked from Sabes to Todd to the many police cars. "Why not come out where I can see you, Charles?" he called.
Xavier and Jean were sitting in a car behind the crowd. "What do you-" Xavier began.
"-want her for?" Sabes finished.
Magsy addressed Sabes. "Can't you read my mind?" he asked, tapping his bucket – I mean, helmet. "What now? Save the girl? You'll have to kill me, Charles. And what will that accomplish? Let them pass that law. They'll have you in chains with a number burned into your forehead."
"It won't be-"
"-that way."
"Then kill me and find out," Magsy said.
Sabes didn't move.
"Then release me," Magsy said.
Todd turned and walked a few steps away.
"Fine," Magsy said, magnetically cocking Evan's gun. He squinted his eyes for a moment, and the gun fired.
The Evo onlookers gasped. "Is he dead?" Amara asked.
The bullet had stopped right against Evan's forehead.
"Damn!"
"Care to press your luck, Charles?" Magsy asked, as the rest of the guns cocked. Xavier and Jean exchanged glances. "I don't think I can stop them all."
Evan was trying to force the bullet off his forehead. However, the bullet didn't budge, and he just came off sounding more than a little constipated.
Xavier blinked and dropped his head. Sabes let go of Magsy, and Todd turned around and walked back. "Still unwilling to make sacrifices," Magsy said disappointedly. "That's what makes you weak." They all looked up to see Mystique landing a helicopter in front of them. A helicopter that looks kinda familiar…
"Hey!" Jean yelled. "That's the Velocity!"
Forge tilted his head to the side. "So it is," he said. "Well, it sort of makes sense, since Mystique came from the 'stute."
"Goodbye, Charles," Magsy said, and he, Sabes, and Todd climbed into the Velocity.
As soon as the Velocity flew away, all the guns dropped to the ground. Even Evan's bullet fell down off his forehead.
"Curses," muttered Kurt, snapping his fingers.
AT THE INSTITUTE…
Logan splashed water on his face, wiped it off with a towel, and turned and glared at Xavier. "You said he wanted me," he said.
"I made a terrible mistake," Xavier said. Ororo stood behind him with her arms crossed, looking defiant for some reason. "His helmet was somehow designed to block my telepathy. I couldn't see what he was after till it was too late."
Logan put on his jacket and headed for the door. "Where are you going?" Ororo demanded.
"I'm gonna find her," Logan said.
"How?" Xavier asked.
"The traditional way: look," Logan said.
Ororo followed him out. "Logan, you can't do this alone," she said.
"Who's gonna help me, you?" Logan said with a scoff. "So far you've all done a bang-up job."
"Then help us," Ororo said. "Fight with us."
"Fight with you?" Logan said. "What, join the team? Be an X-Man? Who the hell do you think you are? You're a mutant. The whole world out there is full of people who hate and fear you, and you're wasting your time trying to protect 'em? I got better things to do." He turned to leave, then stopped and turned back. "You know, Magneto's right," he added. "There's a war coming. You sure you're on the right side?"
"At least I've chosen a side," Ororo said.
Logan turned and yanked open the door – only to come face-to-face with Kelly. "I'm looking for Dr. Jean Grey," Kelly managed before passing out.
IN THE MED LAB…
Xavier wheeled in and looked down at Kelly, who was lying on a table with those sticky pads that CF and Skysong hate stuck on his chest. Hm, maybe that's why they're on there…
"Senator Kelly," Xavier said. "I'm Professor Charles Xavier."
"I know," Kelly said. "Your team of miscreants has messed up my school plenty of times."
Logan ripped off a sticky pad. "Stick to the script, bub."
"I mean," Kelly said. "I was afraid if I went to a hospital, they would-"
"Treat you like a mutant?" Xavier finished. "We're not what you think. Not all of us."
"Tell it to the ones who did this to me," Kelly said.
Xavier wheeled around so he was next to Kelly's head. "Senator," he said, "I want you to try and relax." He put his hands next to Kelly's head. "I'm not going to hurt you."
"Because if he wanted to, you'd already be dead," Logan spoke up.
"You're not helping, Logan," Xavier said irritably.
"Just doing my job, Chuck," Logan said pleasantly.
KELLY'S FLASHBACK SEQUENCE BEGINS IN 3…
2…
1…
BLAST OFF!
Xavier looked up to see Kelly surrounded by that weird radiation stuff, screaming his head off. He got up out of his wheelchair-
"Ha! I can walk!" Xavier said gleefully. "How you like me now?"
"When my pinky's valued over three hundred thou…sand!" Forge finished, hitting a Dr. Evil pose. (6) "And you can't really walk; you're just reliving Kelly's memory."
"Then what are you doing here?" Xavier demanded. "You're not a telepath."
"What are any of us doing here, really?" Forge said enigmatically.
"Hey, don't go all mysterious blonde detective movie chick on me!" (7) Xavier snapped.
Forge looked at him oddly. "Okay, 1) how am I being mysterious? 2) I'm not blonde. Or blond. 3) This is not a detective movie. 4) I am not a chick! And I'm only here because I'm the Director and I HAVE ABSOLUTE POWER!"
"Only a Sith deals in absolute," Xavier said sadly.
"A Sith?" Forge echoed dubiously.
"A Sith," Xavier repeated.
"That's quite a lisp you got there," Forge said. (8)
Back to the parody! So Xavier got up out of his wheelchair and watched Magsy, who was lowering the machine back down, looking REALLY drained. Mystique walked over and helped him out of machine.
Magsy staggered by Kelly, still leaning on Mystique. "Welcome to the future," he said to him, "…brother."
BACK IN REALITY…
Xavier was explaining what had happened to Kelly to Logan, Scott, and Jean. "The machine emits radiation that triggers mutation in ordinary human beings."
"But the mutation is unnatural," Jean put in. "Kelly's body is rejecting it. His cells began to break down almost immediately."
"What effect does the radiation have on mutants?" Scott asked.
"There appears to be none," Xavier said. "But I fear it will seriously harm any normal person exposed to it."
"So what does Magneto want with Stripes?" Logan asked.
"I don't know," Xavier admitted.
"Wait a second," Scott said. "You said this machine draws its power from Magneto, and that it weakened him."
"Yes," Xavier said. "In fact, it nearly killed him."
"He's gonna transfer his power to Stripes and use her to power the machine," Logan said.
"Can't call her Stripes," Forge muttered.
"Shut it, Youngling Murderer," Logan said.
"Hey, I get to fly a Podracer," Forge said.
"Actually, Jamie does," Tabby said. "Since he's so little and all."
"What, are YOU going to be the Director?" Forge demanded.
"Most likely," Tabby said, inspecting her nails.
"…We're doomed," Forge squeaked.
BACK IN THE MED LAB…
Kelly wasn't looking so good. For one, his veins were way too visible underneath his skin. For another, he was soaking wet, and there was water all over the table. "Is somebody there?" he asked.
Ororo walked up to him. "Yes," she said. "I'm here."
Kelly grabbed her hand. "Please don't leave me," he said. "Don't wanna be alone."
Ororo nodded at him the way one nods at someone escaped from an insane asylum. "All right," she said, noticing more water trickling down the table.
"Do you hate normal people?" Kelly asked.
"Sometimes," Ororo admitted.
"Why?" Kelly asked.
"I suppose…I'm afraid of them," Ororo said.
"Well," Kelly said, "I think you've got one less person to…to be afraid of."
Then the freaaaky stuff started. Kelly body swelled up while his skin became more and more transparent, and he gasped and choked. The hand that Ororo had been holding splashed into water. Then, while Kelly gurgled, his entire body became one giant water sac with the slight imprint of a face at the top. The water sac held together for a moment, then split, spilling water over the table and onto the floor.
Ororo turned and ran out the door.
Pietro poked his head in. "Is he really dead?" he asked.
Forge stashed away another ray gun. "Nope," he said. "Those were just really cool special effects."
"Damn," Pietro said. The doors whooshed shut on his neck. "OW! Ow…ow…aaaacccckkk…"
"What was that?" Forge said, cupping a hand to his ear while Pietro gasped for air. "You're on crack?"
Pietro made frantic gestures. However, the rest of his body was on the other side of the door.
Forge grabbed Lance (who was in his future outfit even though he wasn't in the movie) out of nowhere, snatched off his goggles (a HUGE improvement from that fishbowl, in my opinion), and shoved him back in to nowhere. Then he put on his newly retrieved X-Ray goggles. (9)
Forge saw Pietro's hands pointing at his neck through the doors. "Oh, you need a tracheotomy? Well, I suppose I have the instrument for that somewhere on here." He held up his prosthetic arm, examining the instruments poking out of it.
If Pietro had been able to, he would've screamed. He made an attempt to get his message across. "T-uhhhhhhh…ooooor!" (Translation: The…door!)
"You need more?" Forge asked. "You ARE addicted! A druggie, a stoner, a Sploosh addict!" He squinted at Pietro suspiciously. "You're riding the white pony, aren't you? ARE YOU RIDING THE WHITE PONY?" (10)
"O-nnnn…uhhhhh…oooorrrrr!" (Open…the…door!)
Jamie popped up. "I think he wants you to open the door," he said.
Forge looked at Jamie, then at Pietro, then at Jamie, then at Pietro, then at Jamie, then at the Random Lightsaber, then at Jamie. "…Nah," he said.
Jamie rolled his eyes, walked over to the door, and kicked it. It emitted a loud, long, high-pitched beep and opened. (11)
Pietro collapsed to the ground, one hand on an ear, the other clutching his throat. "My…ears," he rasped.
Forge peered down at him. "Ah, he'll get over it," he said. "Oh," he added, taking off his X-Ray goggles, "Why exactly are you wearing a hot pink string bikini?"
Ororo ran in and clamped a hand over his mouth. "THERE IS A CHILD PRESENT!"
"Obviously, you've never caught Ray coming out of the shower," Jamie muttered. (12) He snatched the X-Ray goggles out of Forge's hand and put them on. "Yeah, but Pietro, why do you have pink Playboy bunnies all over them?" he asked as he sauntered out.
Ororo's eyes narrowed as she glared at Pietro, still holding Forge in a headlock.
"They're the logo bunnies!" Pietro said desperately. "Not the girls, a real bunny head!"
Forge struggled against Ororo's headlock. "BUNNIES!" he yelled. "GET THEM AWAY!" Ororo let go, and he tore off after Jamie.
"How does Jamie know what a Playboy bunny logo looks like?" Ororo wondered aloud as she walked off down the hallway after them, stepping on Pietro along the way.
Pietro winced. "She just HAS to fight crime in heels," he muttered.
(1) – I think this is a running gag now. For those who don't know, it's from The New Guy.
(2) – Dark Horizon Part I. Unless Rogue kissed someone before then. If so…oh well.
(3) – X-Factor, anyone? Also, see todd fan's ficcie While the Adults Are Away. Chappie 13, Havok Has a Dream, in particular.
(4) – Am I the only one who is really annoyed by that line?
(5) – The Lion King. And in me and Skysong's ficcie The Cajun King, Mystique actually gets to say that about Logan.
(6) – Two refs. "How you like me now" and "When my pinky's valued over three hundred thou…sand!" are from the song Yeah! by Usher, Lil John, and Ludacris. The Dr. Evil pose is from Austin Powers. It's when you hold up your pinky next to the corner of your mouth with the inside of your fist facing outward.
(7) – You know, I once made the mistake of watching a Lizzie McGuire marathon out of sheer boredom. Now every episode is STUCK IN MY HEAD! Anyway, in one of them, in a desperate attempt to get Ethan Craft's attention, Lizzie dresses up as a mysterious blonde detective movie chick, and says Forge's line in a really stew-pod way. And if you don't know understand the word stew-pod, then I highly suggest you read Bloomability by Sharon Creech.
(8) – In the 2005 MTV Movie Awards, Jimmy Fallon did a parody of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. And BTW, when me and Skysong parody Star Wars (I'm doing I-III, Skysong's doing IV-VI), Forge'll be Ani-kins aka Vader. And for Skysong's, Xavier'll be Obi-Wan. I'm still not sure who I'm using for him. Right now, I'm considering Remy or Piotr. Hey, Skysong, let me know if you've cast any other characters, cuz I wanna keep them constant. BTW, todd fan, how's THAT for a tragic Storge?
(9) – Jubeses, I'm making a lot of refs. When I parody Holes, Lance'll be X-Ray for exactly that reason: the goggles. Oh, and the fact that he's the leader of the BoM and (unlike Scott) doesn't have a leader complex.
(10) – The New Guy. And yes, Gil was in fact riding the white pony. Oh, and the Sploosh addict bit was from Holes. On the DVD. Cast commentary.
(11) – You know on the subway, if the doors are closing and someone steps in between them, how it makes that high-pitched beep? Well, the one Jamie set off was worse.
(12) – inuficcrzy's ficcie Girls Night In. Gold satin bikini. Although it was Rahne who caught him coming out of the shower.