..: I See Not-So-Dead People :..
Heya! Sorry it took me so long to update, I was going through a bit of writer's block (is that even possible with a parody?). Well, I'm back now, and with an extra chappie since I'm going away for camp from Saturday till Tuesday!
DISCLAIMER: "When life gives you lemons, clone those lemons, and make SUPER LEMONS!"
"Scott, you and Ororo ready the jet. I'm going to find Rogue," Xavier said. "Jean, get Logan a uniform."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute," Scott said. "He's not coming with us, is he?"
"Yep," Xavier said.
"But Professor, he'll endanger the mission. And if-"
"Hey, I wasn't the one who gave the train station a new sunroof, bub," Logan said.
"No, you were the one who stabbed Rogue through the chest," Scott said.
"Scott," Jean said.
"Look, why don't you take your little mission and stick it up your-" Logan began.
Ororo burst in. "Senator Kelly's dead," she said.
"HALLELUJAH!" Kurt yelled.
"Not in reality," Forge said. "Only in the movie."
"DAMN!"
"I'm going to find her," Xavier repeated.
"We KNOW," Logan said.
IN CEREBRO…
Xavier picked up the headgear, put it on his head, took a deep breath, and closed his eyes. Then that freaky poison (or WHATEVER it is) that Mystique stuck in started working.
Xavier ripped off the headgear, turned around, and abruptly fainted, falling out of his wheelchair. The lights in Cerebro flickered on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and-
"Jamie, stop playing with the light switch," Forge said.
Jamie dropped his hand and grinned sheepishly. "Sorry."
IN THE MED LAB…
Xavier was lying unconscious on the table with Ororo, Jean, Scott, and Logan standing around him. "I'm sorry," Logan said, turned, and left.
Scott made a weird sniffling sound and held his fist against his mouth. "Aw, you're not going to cry, are you?" Kurt said, poking Scott's face with a Random Twig.
"Just have…something in my eye," Scott said thickly.
"You know, that's kinda impossible, because of a) your glasses and b) your optic blasts," Tabby pointed out. "And you can't blame the onions."
"Why not?" Scott demanded.
"Alex ate them all," Rogue said. "So now he's eatin' gelatin-covahd apples."
Scott blinked. Not that anyone could tell.
IN CEREBRO…
Jean had just finished fixing Cerebro and clearing up all that poison (or WHATEVER the heck it was). She started to leave, then stopped and turned back. "Well, no duh," Jean said. "I mean, I have used Cerebro before."
"Yeah, but movie!Jean isn't ready for it," Forge said.
"Movie!Jean also isn't the brightest bulb in the bunch, yo," Todd pointed out.
"What's with all the alliteration?" Kurt demanded.
BACK IN THE MED LAB…
"You can still hear me, can't you?" Scott asked the unconscious sleeping-with-his-eyes-open-man-that's-really-freaky Prof. "You've taught me everything in my life that was ever worth knowing. And if anything happens, well, I'll take care of them."
"Yeah, like the time you and Jean ended up locked out of the Institute," Bobby said. "That's a good way to show leadership."
"Not to mention when he almost got us blown up," Amara added.
"Hey, I got you guys out of there," Scott said.
"Barely," Ray snorted.
BACK IN CEREBRO…
Jean knelt down and put on the headgear. Of course, she just HAPPENED to leave the doors open. Gee, how convenient…
Just outside in an adjacent hallway, Tabby was leaning over a camera on a slide thingie, sticking her butt out at the actual camera.
Scott had just walked out of the med lab when he saw Jean kneeling in front of Cerebro with the headgear on.
"Jean?" he called out, cautiously walking forward in his very tight, very spandexy, obviously-not-made-for-his-body bright yellow Wolvie suit, with three Wolvie claws strapped on to his left hand. (1)
Jean TK'd the doors shut.
"SAUCY WENCH!" Scott yelled, running down the hall in his very unflattering bright yellow Wolvie suit.
However, he slipped on the freshly-waxed floor and slammed facefirst into the closed doors. "I dink I boke by nose…"
Inside, Jean sank to the floor and slipped off the headgear. Scott somehow managed to get the door open and ran in. "Dean? Dean? Andther me!"
"………You're bleeding all over my shirt."
AT LIBERTY ISLAND…
Evan the Random Coast Guard Dude waved at Robbie the Boat Pilot Dude, who waved back. Suddenly, Sabes picked up Evan, crushing his spine and impaling him on his claws and killing him.
"He's dead?" Pietro asked eagerly.
"Not in real fiction," Forge said. "…Is that an oxymoron?"
Robbie the Boat Pilot Dude morphed back into Mystique and grinned down at the dead body of the REAL Robbie the Boat Pilot Dude.
"And no, Ray, he's not really dead," Forge said.
Ray glared at him and muttered obscenities in Italian. (2) Something about Absinthe and blunt axes and going Edward Scissorhands on his ass… (3)
"But I thought Edward was a nice guy," Jamie said, blinking confusedly in that cute yet annoying way that only little kids can pull off.
"Yes, but if Ray lost his fingers in an unfortunate accident and Forge stuck scissor and blades on his bleeding stump of a hand in a fit of random laziness, you wouldn't expect him to have Edward's nice and caring disposition, would you?" Jubes said sweetly in one breath.
"…Ray wouldn't have Edward's disposition if it jumped up and down in front of him pruning a bush in the shape of Robbie with a stake through his head," Jamie said flatly.
"Exactly," Jubes said, and ruffled Jamie's hair in that way that annoys the young who eventually grow up and get older and taller and end up doing the exact same thing.
Back on Liberty Island, Piotr was walking around aimlessly in little circles and making (yet another) cameo as That One Security Dude That Gets Squished By Toad. (4)
Roughly three seconds into said cameo, Toad came soaring out of the air and slammed into his shoulders. However, this had no effect on Piotr whatsoever. (5)
"That's kinda pathetic," Tabby stage whispered to Forge. "Petey hasn't even gone metal!"
"Man, shut up!" Todd said, hopping off Piotr's shoulders.
"Why don't I just crumple to the floor and pretend you crushed me?" Piotr suggested in a tone of voice that sounded helpful but still managed to have an underlying I'm-only-doing-this-because-you-and-I-both-know-that-it-would-never-ever-work-in-reality ring to it. Must be an Acolyte thing.
"Yeah, that'd work," Todd said.
Piotr shrugged and crumpled to the ground.
Todd hopped off to go slam Freddie into the ground.
"Is The Authoress on some sort of sadistic binge here or something?" Todd demanded from where he had slid off Freddie's shoulders.
A Mini-Kurt bamfed in. "Ja," he said in a cute baby voice, grinned at them with a cute baby demon face, and bamfed back out. (6)
"I'll just do what Colossus did," Freddie said, and crumpled to the ground.
ON THE BOAT…
Mystique walked into the cabin and glared sadistically at Rogue, who was handcuffed to a bar. Magsy glanced out the window at the Statue of Liberty. "Magnificent, isn't she?" he said.
"Ah've seen it," Rogue said.
"I first saw her in 1949," Magsy said. "America was gonna be the land of tolerance, of peace."
"Well, with Bush as President neither of those are gonna happen," Rogue said. She glanced over at the dead body of Robbie the REAL Boat Pilot Dude, who stared back at her. "My eyes hurt," Robbie complained.
"That's what you get for hitting a dead pose with your eyes open," Forge said blithely. "Now act properly dead or else Ray will take Absinthe and a blunt axe and go Edward Scissorhands on your ass."
"But I thought-"
"We already had this discussion!" Jubes snapped.
"Are yah gonna kill meh?" Rogue asked Magsy.
"Yes," Magsy said.
"That was pretty blunt," Rogue said.
"I don't believe in beating around the bush or attempting tact when there is no way of properly using it," Magsy said.
"That makes sense," Rogue said. "But whah?"
"Why not attempt tact when there is no way of properly using it?" Magsy said, dumbfounded.
"No," Rogue said. "Whah are yah gonna kill meh?"
"Oh," Magsy said. "I knew that."
"Riiiiiiiiiight," Mystique said.
Magsy ignored her. "Because there is no land of tolerance, and there is no peace."
"Did yah not hear what Ah said?" Rogue demanded. "Bush. Is. Pre-si-dent."
Magsy went on, ignoring her, too. "Not here, nor anywhere else. Women and children, whole families destroyed simply because they were born different from those in power."
"Amen, sistah!" Tabby said. "I mean, brother. I mean…uncle?"
Everyone decided it was wisest to ignore her. "Well," Magsy continued, "After tonight, the world's powerful will be just like us. They will return home as brothers."
"And sisters!" Jean put in.
"Shut up," Magsy said. "As mutants. Our cause will be theirs. Your sacrifice will mean our survival. I'll understand if that comes as a small consolation. Put her in the machine," he ordered Sabes. He glanced up at the Statue of Liberty. "I'll raise it."
BACK AT THE INSTITUTE…
Scott was talking while a little weird pin thing simulated the mission. "Magneto is here. Liberty Island." The pin thing formed Liberty Island. "Now, presumably, his objective is to mutate the world leaders at the U.N. summit on Ellis Island." The pin thing changed to include Ellis Island and part of the mainland.
"He doesn't know his machine kills," Ororo said. "And judging from what the Professor saw, if Magneto gave Rogue enough power-"
"-He could wipe out everyone in New York City," Jean finished as the pin thing made a nice ripple going out from Liberty Island.
"All right," Scott said. "We can insert here at the George Washington Bridge-" The pin thing made a little George Washington Bridge. "-come around the bank, just off of Manhattan. We land on the far side of Liberty Island here." The pin thing traced their route, ending at – you guessed it – the far side of Liberty Island.
"What about harbor patrol?" Logan said. "Radar?"
"If they have anything that can pick up our jet, they deserve to catch us," Scott said.
INSIDE THE X-JET…
Scott started up the X-Jet while Logan got used to his new (well, not really) uniform. "You actually go outside in these things?" he said.
"What would you prefer, yellow spandex?" Scott said.
Logan, Ororo, and Jean all gave him an odd look. "Just how colorblind does that visor of yours make you?" Logan asked.
"It does not!" Scott says indignantly.
"What color eyeshadow does Rogue wear?" Ororo asked.
"Goth…colored…eyeshadow," Scott said.
Tabby raised an eyebrow, then glanced down at her clipboard. She looked back at Scott, then checked off the box marked "Beyond Colorblind."
All the X-Kids ran into the hangar and watched the X-Jet take off. Bobby climbed under the railing and grabbed Kitty's hand. "Start phasing!" (7)
Kitty yanked him back through the railing. "I don't think so," she said.
(1) – If you have the DVD, I think at the end of the Scrapbook feature thingie, there's a bunch of outtakes or weird caught-on-tape bits. In one of them, they filmed themselves filming that very scene. And yes, there was a lady leaning over a camera. And yes, James Marsden was wearing a bright yellow Wolvie suit with Wolvie claws strapped on to his left hand. And yes, he did say, "Jean? SAUCY WENCH!" Another one is Famke doing some weird and ugly dance with lots of squeaky noises, and another is Ray Park doing some freakish things with his stomach. Seriously, he's all like, beer belly/7 months pregnant, then washboard abs, then beer belly again…it's freaky. Über cool, but also über freaky.
(2) – In Skysong's ficcie The XBand, The Trilogy That Wouldn't Die!, Ray is fluent in Italian for some odd reason. Yeah, when Rogue zaps him after rescuing him from the pool, she starts speaking Italian.
(3) – Ai-ya, I'm going on another ref binge. Anywayz, Edward Scissorhands in obviously from the movie Edward Scissorhands directed by Tim Burton and starring Johnny Depp. I just saw it a few days ago for the first time ever, and it seriously made me want to cry. To make things worse, I saw Tuck Everlasting on the exact same day. Yeah. Not too smart of me. Oh, and the going (medieval) on his ass is from Pulp Fiction, another movie I have yet to see in its entirety (I've missed the first ten minutes and about half an hour in the middle). And in Harry Potter, Nearly Headless Nick was beheaded with a blunt axe. And Absinthe is a drink – liquor or something. That was the green stuff they were drinking in Moulin Rouge! And Toulouse-Lautrec died because of that. Not in the movie. In real life.
(4) – That would be Executive Producer Tom DeSanto's cameo in the movie. Yes, Skysong, I know I know too much random info.
(5) – À la Day of Reckoning Part II.
(6) – Heartsyhawks' ficcie Back in Diapers, which pretty much speaks for itself. Other than the fact that Forge made little clones of the babies, so I now have not only a Mini-Kurt, but also a Mini-Rogue, a Mini-Remy, a Mini-John, a Mini-Tabby, and a Mini-Bobby. Awww…adorable, aren't they?
(7) – Joyride, anyone?