..: Fight Club :..
Yeah, I haven't seen the movie OR read the book. I should probably do both.
DISCLAIMER: "If he takes off his glasses, don't look in his eyes; you'll DIE."
That would be Bryan Singer describing Scott Summers aka Cyclops's powers at a preview in Cologne, Germany. Just the way he said it makes me laugh.
Inside the X-Jet, Logan popped his claws out, speared a gelatin-covered apple from Alex, and started eating.
CRRRUNNNNCHHH
"Um, do you mind?" Scott asked.
Logan glared at him.
CRRRUNNNNCHHH
"…Never mind," Scott said. "There's the bridge. I'm taking her down. Storm, some cover, please."
Storm's eyes went all ghosty and white as a sudden fog rolled in.
INSIDE MAGSY'S BOAT…
Magsy noticed said sudden fog. "Toad, Mystique, stay sharp," he said. "We're not alone. And you stay here," he added to Sabes. "Once I give my power to the girl, I'll be temporarily weakened. You'll be my only defense."
Sabes gave him an "Oh Crap" Look. (1)
Out on the harbor, Lance and Pietro the Random Unimportant Harbor Patrol Dudes also noticed the sudden fog – and heard the sudden thunder. "Isn't there supposed to be lightning before thunder?" Pietro asked Lance.
Lance shrugged. "I'm a snowplow, not a weatherwitch," he said. (2) "Sounds like a Storm's coming."
"PUN PUN PUN PUN PUN!" Kurt yelled. "Sorry."
Scott landed the X-Jet. Well, if you call landing it shutting off the engine when it's about a foot above the water.
"Sorry," Scott said.
Logan tossed his apple core out the window. "You call that a landing?"
Once they got out of the X-Jet, the X-Men were faced with their first major obstacle: a 2 foot-high seawall. (3)
Logan, being used to his uniform-
"Am I the only one who sees a lot of irony in this?" Bobby asked.
"The Authoress is sadistic about that sort of thing," Kurt said.
Anyway, Logan was used to his uniform and got over the seawall easily, putting a hand on it and hopping over. He kept walking to the Statue of Liberty-
And noticed that he was the only one there. He turned around to see Jean and Storm watching and discussing tactics while Scott tried to get over the wall. He put a hand and a foot on the seawall and tried to hop up, but his foot slipped and he landed chin-first on the wall.
"Aw, come on!" Logan said, walking back over to them. "It's not that hard."
"Easy for you to say, you're used to your uniform," Ororo said.
Logan looked over the seawall. "There's steps right there!" he said, pointing at metal steps on Ororo, Scott, and Jean's side of the wall.
"Yeah, well, only Jean and Ororo can use those," Scott said grumpily.
"Why?" Logan asked.
"Because I said so," Forge said.
Logan shrugged and waited while Ororo, Jean, and Scott debated, discussed tactics, stretched, practiced jumping, etc. After watching this for ten seconds, Logan lit a cigar and started smoking.
After thirty seconds, he got bored of that and passed the time grinding his cigar into the palm of his hand, then letting it heal, then grinding it in again in a truly insanely masochist way. (4)
Logan was just in the middle of doing this for the sixth time when Ororo stood right next to him and asked him a question. "Why do you keep doing that?"
Logan jumped, having been engrossed in his own cigar-masochistic world. "How'd you get over the seawall?" he demanded.
"I flew," Ororo said.
"So why doesn't Red levitate?" Logan asked.
"Because I look much cooler when I fly than she does when she levitates," Ororo said simply, whipping out several bottles of nail polish and giving herself a manicure.
Logan shrugged in agreement.
Jean and Scott were still debating about how to get over the seawall. "Hold your breath, but don't make it look like you're holding your breath," Forge suggested.
Fifty-eight cigar-induced wounds and a French manicure later, Scott used the stairs while Jean used her TK to make it look like she jumped over the seawall completely. However, said TK came off not so much superhuman jump as it did tangled wires, bad stunting, and even worse special effects.
Logan and Ororo pulled their gloves back on. "About time," Logan said, turned, and walked off into the Statue of Liberty.
"Wait!" Forge yelled. "You have to go last so that you set off the metal detector and then flip Scott off with your claws."
Logan rolled his eyes, but let everyone else pass him up.
INSIDE THE STATUE OF LIBERTY…
Scott, Jean, and Ororo all walked through the metal detector. Then Logan walked through and set it off. Logan shot out his claws and stabbed the metal detector, effectively shutting off the alarm. He then retracted one claw on either side and glared at Scott, who gave a sheepish grin and started walking.
They all walked by a mini-model of the Statue of Liberty, which opened its yellow eyes and grinned sadistically.
Further on, Logan stopped and sniffed. "There's someone here," he said.
"Where?" Scott asked.
"I dunno. Keep your eye open," Logan said, walking off. (5)
"Logan," Scott began, but Logan held out a hand to shush him and walked off down a hallway, out of sight.
"Damnit," Scott muttered.
Logan walked back in through the same hallway. "Anything?" Scott asked.
"I know there's someone here," Logan said. "I just can't see 'em."
Scott turned and looked around. Logan walked towards him and shot out his claws on one hand.
!WARNING! JUST FOR THE SAKE OF ANNOYING YOU, DURING THE LOGAN FIGHT, BOTH LOGANS ARE LABELED SIMPLY LOGAN. IF YOU CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHICH LOGAN'S THE REAL LOGAN, THAT'S TOO BAD FOR YOU, BECAUSE THERE ARE A LOT OF GIVEAWAYS ANYWAY.
Then Logan came charging in from the other end of the hallway and tackled Logan. They rolled on the ground and ended up in another room, with Logan pinned up against the wall. Logan blew a kiss at him.
Logan kicked Logan away, and both shot out their claws, Logan grinning sadistically.
Scott put his hand on his visor and hesitated, clueless as to which Logan was the real one. Let's think, the one that DOESN'T have a sadistic grin on his face?
"Wait!" both Logans yelled. Then Logan turned and cut down a weight next to him so that the wall slid shut behind them.
Scott dropped his hand. "Damnit!"
"You seem to be saying that a lot," Tabby said, tilting her head to one side.
Back with the Logans, Logan shoved Logan against a wall and cut off the claws on one hand, causing Logan to yell very unmanly-ly. He drove his claws at Logan's face, but Logan ducked at the last minute, sending Logan's claws driving into the wall.
On the other side of the wall, Scott decided to just blast the damn thing apart. "All right, back up, back up," he said to Ororo and Jean, who immediately backed up.
Logan yanked his claws out of the wall while Logan used his remaining claws to slash the wires on a fusebox, sending sparks everywhere. Logan ran off with Logan close behind him.
Scott was about to blast the damn wall apart when a tongue shot out behind him and wrapped itself around a railing on the next floor. Todd swung in over Scott's head and kicked him into a glass cabinet. He kicked out again with both legs, sending Ororo and Jean flying, then landed on the floor and used his tongue to slide another wall shut, cutting Scott off from Ororo and Jean.
Ororo started to get up when Todd wrapped his tongue around her wrist and sent her flying up to the next floor, where she crashed on a table.
Todd turned to Jean, who had finally gotten up. Todd hopped forward, and Jean jerked back.
"What a flincher," Tabby said.
Todd did a little dance, then stopped and jumped at Jean, who finally got smart and stopped him midair with her TK. Todd glanced at both of his hands for a moment with a slightly puzzled, mostly annoyed look, then spat out a bunch of slime onto Jean's face. Jean stumbled backward, trying to get the slime off her face, and Todd dropped to the floor.
He got up and looked up at Ororo, who had gotten up and was leaning over the railing, watching him. He jumped up onto a display case, then onto a pillar, then onto another pillar, then onto the railing. Ororo backed up, holding her hands out in front of her.
Todd jumped off the railing, twisted, and did a backflip, kicking Ororo in the face and sending her tumbling into another table and sprawling onto the floor. She got up in time for Todd to run and kick her in the chest. She flew back into an elevator shaft, slamming into the wall and falling to the bottom.
Todd glanced down the elevator shaft uncertainly. "Uh, you know that stunt I'm supposed to do?" he said. "I can't do that."
Forge sighed theatrically. "STAND-IN!" he yelled FF-ly.
Remy walked over and looked down the elevator shaft. He blew a raspberry at the presumably unconscious Ororo, then kicked up the bo staff holding the elevator doors apart, twirled it over his head, and hit a cool pose. (6)
BACK IN THAT OTHER ROOM…
Scott had finally come to and blasted the wall down. He ran to where Jean had tripped and fallen over and moved the slime off one eye. "Oh, damnit," he muttered.
"See? There he goes again!" Tabby said.
With Logan and Logan, Logan was pretty much getting his ass handed to him on a platter by Logan. Logan kneed him in the gut, and kicked him in the face, then made a swipe at him that Logan just barely managed to duck. Logan kicked him in the stomach, then did a front flip, hitting him in the head.
Then Logan did that really cool Midair Morph Twist That Was Used In Practically Every Teaser Trailer For The Movie, jumping, twisting, morphing into Mystique, kicking Logan in the head, and landing on the ground. Mystique looked over at Logan and licked her lips.
Logan shuddered. "That's just wrong," he said.
Mystique twisted back up onto her feet and hit Logan in the chest as he tried to slice her. She grabbed both his wrists and kicked him in the face, then, still holding onto his wrists, jumped over his shoulder and yanked. Logan's spine made a not-so-nice cracking sound.
Mystique kicked Logan in the nuts with that weird tuning-fork-metal noise…wait a minute. (7)
"Are you saying that they even surgically grafted adamantium in his…?" Tabby said, nodding at Logan, who was bent over in agony.
"That's TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" Forge yelled.
Mystique grabbed a chain and hurled it at Logan, who caught it around his claws. He yanked it closer so that he and Mystique were face-to-face, then twisted it in a way that would've sent any normal person slamming face-first into the ground. However, Mystique is not any normal person, and merely ended up doing a flip.
Logan took another swipe at Mystique, missed, and finally managed to hit her with his forearm, slamming her into a chain-link gate. Logan took yet another swipe at her-
"Is it just me, or does Logan miss every time he tries to stick Mystique on his claws?" Bobby asked.
"Both," Jubes said.
"…What's that supposed to mean?" Bobby demanded.
"I have no clue," Jubes said enigmatically.
Logan swiped at Mystique, who ducked to the side so that Logan's claws cut through the metal hinges connecting the two gates. Mystique picked up the gate, hit Logan in the chest with it, and ran at him again.
Logan held up a fist and cut straight through the gate. Mystique ducked her head out of the way and kicked Logan in the ribs. She then did a backflip, kicking Logan in the face with each foot, and landed on a crate, hitting a pose.
Logan ran at her again, and she grabbed the pipe next to her and did a half-backflip, kicking Logan in the face with each foot again. She then climbed upside down up the pipe and out of sight.
BACK WITH JOTT…
"Don't move," Scott said, backing up a little and putting a hand on his visor. Jean saw this and squeezed her one visible eye shut. Scott shot an optic blast at her face, breaking the slime but leaving her completely unharmed.
"Pity," Pietro said.
One floor above, Todd hopped up on the railing and glared at them. Then he heard an elevator bell ding and turned around to see Ororo rise up to the now-open doors with all-white eyes and lightning constantly streaking down.
Todd hopped off the railing and walked over. "Don't you people ever die, yo?" he demanded.
Ororo descended into the room, calmly walking forward as the wind blew everything in the room – including Todd – across it and out through the glass doors.
Todd flew out and into midair, but managed to wrap his tongue around the railing, so he kinda flew around like a Toad Kite.
Ororo walked out onto the balcony. "…Do I really have to say this line?"
"Yes," Forge said.
Ororo sighed and rolled her eyes. "Do you know what happens to a Toad when it's struck by lightning?" she asked as more lightning crackled overhead.
Todd didn't answer, too preoccupied with hanging on for dear life.
"The same thing that happens to everything else," Ororo said with the air of pointing out the obvious to an incredibly slow person. (8) "Duh." The lightning hit the metal railing, traveled up Todd's tongue, and fried Todd, sending him flying through the air to land in the harbor with a splash.
WHEREVER LOGAN IS…
Logan was standing around next to a copper life-size model of the left foot of the Statue of Liberty when Ororo walked up to him. "Logan, is that you?" she asked.
"Sh," Logan said, holding up a hand and sniffing. "The other one ain't far away."
Ororo walked closer to him, looking around nervously. "Come on," she said. "We have to regroup."
"I know, but there's a problem," Logan said, whirling around and sinking his claws into Ororo's ribs. "You're not part of the group." He yanked his claws out, and Ororo's eyes turned from Storm white to yellow, grew claws on her left hand, and her hair turned red before she morphed completely into Mystique, who fainted with three bloody claw marks in the spot between her ribcage.
Scott and Jean were walking into a room when Logan slid a wall open and stepped in. Scott immediately put his hand on his visor. "Hey, it's me," Logan said.
"Prove it," Scott said.
"You're a dick," Logan said.
Scott dropped his hand. "All right, then."
Up on the second floor, Ororo leaned over the railing and yelled down at them. "Get up here already!"
"Touchy," Scott muttered as Jean TK'd them up there. "Is she PMSing or something?"
Ororo whirled around. "Do you know what happens to a Cyclops when it's struck by lightning?"
"The same thing that happens to everything else," Logan, Jean, and Scott recited dully in unison.
"And the same goes for a Wolverine or a Phoenix, so don't you forget it!" Ororo said fiercely.
(1) – He seriously gave him that look in the movie. Not very Sabes-esque in my opinion, but that's Tyler Mane for ya.
(2) – From the eppie Turn of the Rogue. Ororo said, "I'm a weatherwitch, not a snowplow."
(3) – That is some of the funniest (if not THE funniest) footage in the Bonus Features disc of the DVD. It makes me laugh so hard! Oh, and Scott's first attempt in the parody is one of Hugh Jackman's actual attempts that they filmed off-camera. Wait, that doesn't make any sense…
(4) – Logan did that in X2. I don't understand why; maybe it was Bryan Singer's way of reminding everyone, "Hey! This dude can heal! And he smokes cigars!" And Forge's "Hold your breath" suggestion was actually something that one the guy with the megaphone said (dunno who the guy was, it wasn't Bryan, though) while they were trying to get over that seawall.
(5) – Ya know, the first time I heard of Cyclops, I seriously thought he only had one eye. Then my uncle (he collected comic books as a kid, but I have no clue where they are now) explained things.
(6) – Darth Maul, baby! Seriously, though, Ray Park has MAD Wushu and Weapon Skills. And he's Darth Maul in Star Wars: Eppie 1, although they used some other dude for his voice (I guess his wasn't freakishly evil enough or something).
(7) – Seriously, it makes that metal noise when she kicks him in the crotch. I was like, WTF? Oh, and Forge's "TMI!" quote is from Friends. Chandler says it once upon an eppie.
(8) – I heard somewhere that this was how the line was meant to be delivered, yet, it wasn't.
Well, I'm off to cheerleading camp now! I won't be back till Tuesday, and I'll get to work on writing more right away. I wanna start Redneck Shrek 2 before I gotta get back to school. Ugh, school…review, please!