..: Logan Loves His Limelight :..
Sorry this took so long! But I wasn't sure how much of the movie left there was, so I didn't know if I should make it one long chappie or split it up into two not-so-long chappies. So I made it one long chappie…and then I split it in two anyway.
DISCLAIMER: "Guess what, GUESS WHAT?" "The fifth dentist finally caved and now they ALL recommend Trident?"
Scott, Logan, Ororo, and Jean finished climbing up the stairs and stared up at the torch, where Rogue was. "Everybody get out of here," Logan said suddenly.
"What is it?" Ororo asked.
"I can't move," Logan said. Then he flew backwards and stuck himself to the wall like a giant magnet. Metal bars unattached themselves from the lining of the Statue and attacked Scott, Jean, and Ororo, trapping them up against the wall, too. Only the bars attaching Scott and Jean to the wall twisted so that they were face to face.
"Okay, now all we need is for Scott to lose the visor, and it'll be perfect," Kurt said.
Magsy came floating in through the hole in the roof. "Ah, my brothers," he said.
"And sisters!" Jean added.
"SHUT UP!" everyone yelled.
"Welcome," Magsy said, and turned to Logan. "And, you, just point those claws of yours in a safer direction." He did that freaky metal-sound thingie, and Logan crossed his arms so that his fists were pointing right at his vital organs. That meant that if he snikted or anything, he'd like, kill himself. Or reeeeaallly hurt himself. Which makes no sense, since Magsy's supposedly controlling his entire adamantium skeleton and all, but WHATEVER.
Sabes dropped in next to Magsy. "You better close your eyes," Magsy said to Scott as Sabes walked over and snatched off his visor. Scott's eyes were squeezed tightly shut.
"Quick, someone force them open," John stage-whispered, popping up next to Magsy for no apparent reason.
Pietro zoomed in. "Sequelforeshadowing!" he sneezed, and zoomed back out.
"Storm, fry him," Scott said.
"Oh, yes," Magsy said dryly. "A bolt of lightning into a huge copper conductor." He looked at Scott disdainfully. "I thought you lived at a school."
At the U.N. Summit, Pietro the Mayor of New York stepped up to the mic and started on a speech. "For those of you who may not be familiar with the historical significance…"
In a sound booth, Remy, Kurt, Piotr, and Robbie were translating Pietro's speech into their own respective languages. Well, Piotr was being a good boy and translating while Remy, Kurt, and Robbie were having a Swear-Off (ie, cussing each other out in their own languages).
Magsy tapped his earpiece. "Mystique?" Obviously, she wasn't answering.
"I've seen Senator Kelly," Jean said to him.
"So the little dipshit survived his fall…and the swim to shore," Magsy said, sounding mildly impressed. "He's become even more powerful than I could have imagined."
"He's dead," Jean said flatly.
"It's true," Ororo said. "I saw him die. Like those people down there will die."
"Why do none of you understand what I'm trying to do?" Magsy demanded. "Those people down there, they control our fate and the fate of every other mutant. Well, soon our fate will be theirs."
Up in the torch, Rogue picked that exact moment to start screaming. "Help! Please help meh! Damn, Ah sound lahke such a DID!" (1)
"You're so full of shit," Logan said to Magsy. "If you were really so righteous, it'd be you in that thing."
"HELP! SOMEBODY HELP MEH! …Whah am Ah such a screamer in this?"
Forge shrugged.
Magsy glared at Logan and rose himself up in the air, floating up to the torch.
Sabes stayed down with the X-Men and growled a lot. Mainly at Logan, who was squirming around and trying to get out of his bonds. After 5 or so minutes of getting absolutely nowhere, Logan pretty much thought, "Aw, F it," and shot out his claws straight through his chest. And out his back.
"Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," everyone flinched.
At least it cut through the bars. He retracted his claws and fell to the floor like a bag of sugar cane.
Up in the torch, the door opened and Magsy stepped in. He magnetically yanked up the handcuffs around Rogue's wrists, taking her up with them.
Sabes walked over to Logan and stared down at his body. He glared, growled, then bent down and picked him up by the collar. Logan's eyes snapped open and he shot his claws out and stuck them in Sabes's gut. Sabes roared and threw Logan out of the hole in the ceiling.
Logan flew out of the SOL's (Statue of Liberty for short) head and tumbled down, grabbing onto one of the spikes of the crown. Sabes jumped up through the ceiling and grabbed Logan by the foot, who twisted around and kicked him in the face.
Sabes tossed Logan onto the other side of the SOL's head. He rolled up and shot his claws out almost immediately.
BACK IN THE SOL…
"…Why does Logan get to do all the cool fight sequences?" Scott asked randomly.
"If it bugs you so much, why don't you do a cool fight sequence in the sequel?" Jean suggested.
"Ooh! I can totally do that!" Scott said excitedly.
"You do realize that the only reason why it's a cool fight sequence is because X23 does a cool trick in it, right?" Ororo said.
Jean shushed her. "Men have very fragile egos," she said.
"True," Ororo agreed.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Scott and Forge demanded in unison.
BACK WITH LOGAN AND SABES…
Logan and Sabes fought some more, swinging and missing, missing and swinging, until Sabes finally managed to punch Logan in the chin with an uppercut, flipping him over.
"…Why does Logan always get his ass handed to him before he wins?" Scott asked randomly.
"If it bugs you so much, why don't you get your ass handed to you in the sequel?" Jean suggested.
"Ooh! I can totally do that!" Scott said excitedly.
"You do realize that while you get your ass handed to you, you don't win, right?" Ororo said.
Jean shushed her. "Men have very fragile asses," she said.
"True," Ororo agreed.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Scott and Forge demanded in unison.
John rolled around on the floor. "Too – much – dé – jà – vu!"
Up in the torch, Magsy had taken his gloves off and was holding his hands in front of Rogue's face. "I'm sorry," he said.
"Reallah?" Rogue asked.
"No."
"Thought so."
"Let the zap fest begin!" Bobby yelled, popping up out of nowhere.
"Yoah a dork, yah know that?" Rogue said.
"Actually, I'm not," Bobby said. "Because I am in no way any part of a whale's anatomy."
"Well, then, yoah an idiot," Rogue said.
"That works," Bobby said.
"Are you two lovebirds finished yet?" Magsy demanded.
"Speaketh not tha name!" Rogue yelled while Bobby shrieked like a Pietro.
"You're going to have to kiss him in the sequel," Magsy said irritably, "So you might as well get used to it!"
"Ah could always just chew a Dentyne Ahce," Rogue said.
"Yeah, you know what?" Forge said. "Uh-uh." (2)
Magsy rolled his eyes, shoved Bobby out of the torch, and grabbed Rogue's face.
Pietro ran in for no apparent reason at all. "Believe it or not," he said, addressing no one, "I'm not here to point out a pathetically obvious foreshadowing."
Then he saw Magsy holding Rogue's face and freaked. "Dear sweet Mike, it's coming true! It wasn't just a dream! Shitake mushrooms, my stepmom's gonna be my age!" He ran around and around the (very) small room, oblivious the fact that Magsy and Rogue were both giving him WTF looks – well, when they weren't writhing in pain and all.
"OhmyGod there's gonna be a baby!" Pietro stopped running and gasped. "Xavier's gonna die! Sweet Jezebel, he's gonna die! And there's gonna be a baby! Named Charles! I'm gonna have a baby brother named Charles!"
While Pietro ran around the tiny room some more, shrieking about Xavier dying and a baby boy and Wanda being 20 minutes older than him but so what and no one but him and Wanda and Remy and Scott objecting to the marriage which was just so wrong unless no one else was invited but then wouldn't Jean come with Scott anyway and – well, you get the idea; Forge, Kurt, Tabby, Remy, Bobby, and John were drawing straws to see who would have to go and try to calm the hyperventilating albino down.
"MERDE!"
Obviously, Remy got the short straw.
Remy approached Pietro warily. "Homme, can y' hear Remy?" he asked.
Pietro stopped screaming about no more cream puffs at the reception and spun around and stared at Remy. "Gambit!" he exclaimed, immediately grinning like a Chucky doll. He grabbed Remy by the arm and dragged him over to where Rogue and Magsy were still writhing in agony.
"You know Rogue, right?" Pietro said feverishly. "Date her. Marry her. Be the father of her children. For the love of Pixie Stix, BE THE FATHER OF HER CHILDREN!" He shook him by the shoulders. "You hang on to that woman, LeBeau," he said, his voice thick with emotion. "You hang on to her!"
Remy nodded the way one does to an escaped asylum patient.
Outside, Sabes threw Logan, who sank his claws into one of the spikes on the SOL's crown, spun around it, and landed on top of it. The tip of the spike fell off.
Tabby gasped dramatically. "You have besmirched the very symbol of our freedom!" she yelled. "BESMIRCHED IT!"
Logan ignored her and leaped off the spike, running all 6 of his claws into Sabes's chest and knocking him down. He was about to stab Sabes through the heart when Pietro decided to give Remy some dating advice.
"You know what you can do for a date?" Pietro said eagerly. "Go out and have-" Remy smashed the brick – sedative on Pietro's head. "-sex…on…the…beach…es," Pietro slurred, and fell over.
"WHAT DID THAT SKINNY ALBINO SAY ABOUT A BEACH!" Logan roared at Remy.
Remy cowered behind Rogue and Magsy, who surprisingly hadn't fainted yet. "He meant de drink!" he yelled desperately. "De drink!"
"Knowing Pietro, it's anyone's call," Tabby said, arbitrarily filing her nails.
Sabes took the opportunity to hurl Logan off the SOL. He slid down the side of the face until he managed to shove his claws in through the wall. They came out on the inside right in front of Jean's face. "I MISSED!" Logan yelled.
Ororo nodded sagely. "It happens to the best of us," she said.
Logan growled and started climbing back up the face of the SOL, muttering something about strangling Jean and grounding Rogue for life. Meanwhile, Magsy collapsed just outside the torch while Rogue and the machine rose up into the flame part of the torch.
Sabes jumped back down into the head of the SOL and walked over to Ororo. "You owe me a scream," he said.
"You're more than welcome to borrow my copy of Scream 3," Ororo said. "I thought I already told everyone that."
Logan jumped down into the head and snatched his dogtag off Sabes's neck. "This is mine, bub."
Sabes walked toward him, but Logan held up a claw. "One second." He faced the torch and yelled at Remy. "THERE HAD BETTER NOT BE ANYTHING GOING ON UP THERE OR I WILL PERSONALLY MAKE SURE THAT YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO WEAR A CUP AGAIN!"
Remy blew the walls of the flame apart. "Dere's not'in' happenin'!" he yelled frantically. He turned to Rogue. "Help Remy out here!"
"Sorry, Swamp Rat, Ah'm a little busy gettin' slowly and painfully killed raht now!" Rogue yelled, then went back to screaming.
Logan turned back to Sabes and held up Scott's visor. "Dropped something," he said cheerfully. "Jean."
"Scott, when I tell you, open your eyes," Jean said to Scott.
"No!" Scott said.
"Trust me," Jean said.
"No!"
"Are you even listening to me?"
"No!"
"…"
"No!"
Jean used her TK to zoom Scott's visor over.
"NOW!" Tabby yelled when they were an inch away from Scott's face. Scott opened his eyes, and the optic blast went right at Jean's face…
And careened off midair and instead hit Sabes, sending him flying out of the SOL and crashing onto a boat below.
"YOU AND YOUR (censored) (bleeped) (whoa) (you kiss your mama with that mouth) (sacre bleu) (blimey) (mein Gott) (what'd ye just say laddie) (ya crook galah) (ay carambe) (I probably spelled that last one wrong) TELEKINESIS!" Jamie yelled.
Everyone stared. "What?" Jamie yelled. "When you're as ignored as I am and live with bilinguists, you end up picking up a lot of swear words. Piotr never swears around me," he grumbled.
Logan cut off the bars around Scott's head. "Thanks," Scott said.
"Don't mention it," Logan said through gritted teeth.
"Sure," Scott said.
"No, really don't mention it," Logan said. "You're a foot away from me and I still missed."
"Okay, now I think you're just losing your touch," Ororo said.
"Maybe it's because he's stuck being Remy's dad," Bobby suggested.
Forge twitched.
"It's only for ONE MORE CHAPTER!" Ororo said exasperatedly.
"Yeah, but I'll still have a BLUE BUTT!" Forge yelled.
Bobby giggled like an idiot.
"There's gettin' inta character, and then there's turnin' inta yoah character," Sam said. "Ah think yah just crossed tha lahne."
"I shall have your head for such insubordination!" Bobby yelled, pointing a sword at him.
"…See what Ah mean?" Sam said. (3)
Logan, Scott, Ororo, and Jean stared up at the torch where Rogue was…actually, she looked pretty damn bored, if you ask me. I mean, it doesn't really get critical until she gets her white hair back. "We gotta get her outta there," Logan said. "Cyke, can you hit it?"
Scott put a hand on his visor. "The rings are moving too fast."
"Just shoot it," Logan said.
"I'll kill her!" Scott said.
"Just imagine," Kurt said dreamily, "If Rogue and Jean switched places right now…and we stole Scott's visor."
"Storm, can you get me up there?" Scott asked Ororo.
"I can't control it like that," Ororo said. "You could fly right over the torch."
"Then let me go," Logan said.
"…You'd fly right over the torch, too," Ororo pointed out.
"Yes, but it's essential to the plot that we send the ONE person that Magneto CAN control, rather than one who can jump in and blast it with no trouble whatsoever," Logan said. "Plus, if Jean screwed up on her TK then Scott'd be dead."
"…And that's a bad thing?" Ororo asked.
"Good point," Logan said.
"As good as an idea that is," Scott said, "This is not an X-ocracy. I am the X-tator, I will make the X-cisions, and I will deal with the X-onsequences!" (4)
"…Riiiiiiight," Logan said.
"Hang on to something," Ororo said as her eyes went all Storm-y and the wind started blowing harder and stuff.
And Logan, Scott, and Jean all went flying.
"I told you to hang on to something," Ororo said crossly as Jean used her TK to get her and Scott back to the SOL.
"Red!" Logan yelled from where he was about to fly into the blades. "A little help here?"
"Oops!" Jean said, giggling like a ditzy idiot and using her TK to get Logan to the top of the machine while that freeeeaky radiation stuff started spreading.
Logan jumped down into the machine and shot out his claws to destroy the machine. Of course, Magsy took that moment to get a sudden burst of energy and use his powers to stop Logan's arm in midair and bring it back.
Scott put a hand to his visor. "Scott, wait," Jean said.
"Okay," Scott said, and put it down.
"Whoo-pa!" Bobby yelled, making a whipping motion.
"Don't you mean wh-tch?" John asked, also making a whipping motion. (5)
"…Shut up!" Bobby yelled.
Magsy started bending Logan's claws back, so Logan decided to try the other arm. Of course, Magsy isn't an idiot, so it was just as hard with that arm.
Back on Ellis Island, the U.N. people were finally starting to notice the freeeaky radiation stuff and ran like chickens with their heads cut off. "What the fudgemonkeys?" Pietro the Mayor of New York said.
Kurt bamfed up into the machine and dumped a bucket of water on Rogue's head. "What tha HELL was that foah?" Rogue demanded.
"Your bangs," Kurt said innocently, pointing at them. They were, in fact, white now.
"Are yah tryin' ta tell meh," Rogue said in a dangerously low voice, "That all Ah had ta do ta get this stuff outta mah hair was DUMP WATER ON IT?"
Kurt held up a finger and opened his mouth, then closed it. "I just lost my train of thought," he said, tapping his chin. "Keep talking."
"So, whah didn' this work when Ah took a shower or somethin'?" Rogue asked.
"HA!" Kurt said. "I'VE GOT IT! YES…no…yep, I lost it again." (6)
Rogue, Logan, and Magsy all paused in what they were doing to give Kurt WTF looks.
Kurt snapped his fingers. "I got it again! And that's not just water, that's Propel! Grape flavored!" he added cheerfully.
"Ah HATE Grape," Rogue said.
"Well, that's the only flavor that'd get it out," Kurt said, and dumped another bucket on her.
"IT ALREADY CAME OUT!" Rogue yelled.
"That was for the smell." (7)
"Are yah sayin' that Ah smell?" Rogue demanded in her dangerously low voice again.
"Noooo, but the Propel does," Kurt said cheerfully.
"Yah got a point there," Rogue admitted, then went back to screaming.
"My work here is done," Kurt said, and bamfed out.
Down in the SOL, Scott put his hand back on his visor. "Jean, I have to!"
"Just wait!" Jean yelled.
"Okay," Scott said, and put his hand back down.
"WHIPPED!" Bobby and John said in unison.
"That is X-it!" Scott yelled at him. "I have an X-ot, and I am going to X-ake it!"
The camera suddenly zoomed in on Magsy.
"Translation: I have a shot, and I'm gonna take it," Ororo said. "Which is what he should have done in the first place."
Scott fired off an optic blast that hit Magsy right in the back and knocked him out. Logan then cut the machine apart, nearly slicing Rogue in the process.
The freeeaky radiation stuff disappeared, and everyone on Ellis Island breathed a sigh of relief. "What the HELL was that?" Pietro the Mayor of New York said.
"DIABLE était-il celui?" Remy translated (actually, that means "What the DEVIL was that?" Don't ask me, ask Babelfish).
"Was war die HÖLLE die?" Ditto Kurt.
"¿Cuál el INFIERNO era ése?" Ditto Robbie.
"Um, I will not be translating that," Piotr said uncomfortably.
Jamie, who had been standing right next to him, snapped his fingers. "Damn."
Back in the torch, Rogue had passed out…or away.
"QUOI!" Remy yelled.
"You never read the script, did you?" Tabby asked.
"Remy don' even have a full copy of de script," Remy said.
"Neither do I, but that never stopped me," Kurt said.
Remy started wailing. "M' chere's dead! Never t' open dose beautiful green – KILL PAQUIN – eyes of hers again! I HAVE NO REASON T' LIVE!"
"Dude, I think he's serious," Bobby muttered. "He's using first person."
"Aw, come off it," Forge said dismissively.
Remy grabbed his bo staff and held it over his heart dramatically.
"How about NOW?" Bobby said.
"Oh, come on," Forge said. "The tip's completely blunt."
This seemed to occur to Remy. So he tossed that bo staff aside and pulled another retracted one out of his trench coat.
"What's he doing?" Bobby stagewhispered.
Red bars of light sprung from each end. (8)
"Oh, shit, he's serious," Forge said. "PIOTR!" he yelled FF-ly.
Piotr came running in, took one look at Remy, and rolled his eyes. "He is doing it again?"
"Whaddya mean, again?" Forge asked.
"On April Fools Day, John told Remy that Rogue had gotten AIDS from Julien," Piotr explained.
"Ah," Forge said.
"Goodbye, cruel world," Remy said dramatically. "I bid y' adieu. For dis be m' Waterloo."
Piotr walked over and casually snatched the lightsaber out of his hand. "You are still having much to learn, my young Padawan," he said.
"But Colossus-San," Remy said tragically. "M' chere be dead!"
"…What's with the Japanese?" Bobby asked.
"Qui-Gon, Colossus-San," Forge said dismissively. "Potato, potahto."
"YOUNGLING MURDERER!" Tabby yelled at him.
Piotr handed Remy the script. He took one look at it and fainted.
"What'd he read?" Forge asked.
"Rogue playing foozball with Bobby," Piotr said.
"Oh."
"NOTHING HAPPENS!" Bobby exclaimed.
"Yes, but it hints at things to come," Forge said.
Bobby crawled into a corner and curled up into a ball. "I hate you," he whimpered, rocking back and forth.
Jubes tilted her head to the side. "…I think you just broke my boyfriend."
Back in the torch, Logan cut Rogue down from the machine and picked her up. "Come on, Stripes, wake up," he said. He noticed her white hair. "Ha! Stripes! I can call her Stripes again!"
"You already did," Forge said dully.
Logan took off his glove and put his hand on Rogue's face.
Nothing happened. Other than the fact that he looked reeeally weird.
So Logan held her against him, resting his chin on her forehead.
"Quick, someone take a picture," John stagewhispered.
Then Really Nasty And Über Fake (RNAUF) gashes appeared on Logan's face. RNAUF blood trickled down various parts of Logan's torso due to more RNAUF gashes there.
"…That's gross," John said. (9)
Rogue's eyes snapped open. Logan made a weird choking noise and let go of her, collapsing to the floor.
Magsy was also still passed out on the lower part of the torch.
Inside the SOL, a bunch of Random Cops were just getting in. John, making a cameo as That One Cop At the End, knelt and checked Evan the Not So Dead Guy's pulse. "Hey, this bloke's alive," John said. "Let's get him outta here." (10)
(1) – DID Damsel In Distress. Anyone who's a) seen the movie Hercules, b) read TF's ficcie All Greek to Me, or c) both should know that.
(2) – From Mad TV. The Vancome Lady (Nicole Sullivan rocketh), however you spell her name.
(3) – The Cajun King by me and Skysong. Logan's Mufasa, Remy's Simba, Forge's Rafiki, Ororo's Sarabi, Bobby's Ed. And next chappie Logan dies. Skysong stuck ME with writing the stampede…the WORST part in the entire movie…but it's all good. Oh, and in Skysong's Quest For Sanity, Bobby's King Arthur.
(4) – Not Another Teen Movie. Gotta love that movie.
(5) – Friends. I forgot which eppie, but Chandler can't make the whipping noise. He can only do "Whoo-pa!"
(6) – Billy Boyd and Dominic Monaghan. I dunno when they had this convo (I think it was during the commentary of one of the LotR movies), but Billy lost his train of thought…twice…
(7) – Pirates of the Caribbean.
(8) – À la Darth Maul from Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.
(9) – In the movie Fantastic Four, Johnny aka the Human Torch says that about Reed aka Mr. Incredible after he stuck his entire arm under a door to open it.
(10) – That's screenplay writer David Hayter's cameo. Yay now all of the Acolytes have done cameos! I'm happy.
Up next: The final chappie!