She felt the words getting stuck in her throat as the whole experience came back to her. How was she going to tell him? All she wanted was to forget what had happened not go through it all over again! If she never had to mention anything about it again she would count her blessings, and she feared Vaughn's reaction more than anyone's – what would he do? She looked down trying to blink away tears while considering; what if he thought any less of her because of it? What if he didn't respect her anymore, because she had let Sark…
'What do you mean?' The sternness in Vaughn's voice made her look up, realizing that she had stopped talking, making her otherwise so calm and loving boyfriend send her an impatient and cold stare. He obviously didn't think that she could have a reasonable explanation and, even though he tried to hide it, the hurt and disappointment was shining through him, giving her all the reason she needed to make up her mind – if she told him, there was a chance that he would leave her because of it, she was convinced of that, but if she didn't tell him their relationship would almost definitely be over, because she knew that no lie would fool him anymore. It was obvious what she had to do.
'It wasn't just Kabir who…' she chose her words carefully, '… interrogated me when I was captured…' She felt herself tremble a little when getting closer to reveling a small part of her secret, '…Sark was there too…'
'Sark!' Vaughn's eyes where glowing with frustration, 'Sydney, why didn't you tell me! If I had known, we might have been able to catch him and…'
'Let me finish Vaughn! Please!' The determination in her voice stunned him, making him realize that he had let his anger run away with him, not giving her a fair chance to tell him what was going on. Therefore he stood back, waiting for her to continue, wanting nothing more than for her to explain herself, to convince him that she hadn't had sex with another man, that that mark had gotten there in some other way. But deep down he still didn't believe that she could…
'Kabir had struck some kind of deal with Sark, leaving the execution of my torture up to him, and Sark he… he…' struggling with every word all the memories flushed over her – every action, comment and emotion filled her mind as she stuttered,
'…he was just so nasty Vaughn, the things he said to me… you wouldn't believe what he… what he did to me! I've never been so scared in my life… and when I… when I found myself lying there… on the floor… and his hands just were…everywhere…' She was rambling, her face distorted with pain and anguish, tears streaming down her face, as the expression in Vaughn's eyes suddenly changed.
His heart missed a beat when he realized what she was trying to tell him. The impact her words had on him was tremendous and he caught himself looking at her with disbelief while asking,
'Sydney did he… did he hurt you?'
He desperately didn't want her to say what he expected her to, and when he saw her trying to wipe her tears away, sending him a look of utter devastation, he most of all wanted to cry himself.
'I didn't want you to know this but …' she looked away, nervously tucking on her top while continuing, '…Sark raped me… that son of a bitch raped me!'
He was at a total loss of words. Not knowing what to say or do, not even knowing how to feel, he just stood there letting her statement sink in. How could he have been so wrong? Sydney had been violated, bit, and raped and on top of it he had accused her of… of sleeping with someone else! He had never even considered that something like this could ever happen to her…not to a woman like Sydney… Taking a few steps towards her, he uttered,
'Oh god Syd, I'm sorry…' his eyes showing his sympathy when he stopped in front of her, gently taking her hand, adding, '… how can I…I mean…what did he…'
He was so confused. Not knowing how to handle this, what to say to her to make her feel better, he found himself stumbling over his words, trying to find out what had happened, but not daring to ask her straight out.
She withdrew her hand, somehow sensing what it was he wanted to know, not feeling up to telling him the details. There was no need for her to share every humiliating part of the assault with him, she was ashamed enough as it was, and doing so would just make her embarrassment worse. She couldn't even forgive herself for letting Sark do this to her, so how could she expect him to do so? The less he knew, the better.
'You want to know what happened?' Before he had a chance to confirm her prediction she continued, 'He drugged me so I couldn't fight back… he drugged and raped me…' That was al she wanted to tell him, and to her, that was more than enough. Seeing the sudden understanding in Vaughn's face she felt so shameful – how could she have let this happen?
Realizing how she was hurting he most of all wanted to take her in his arms – to hold her tight, comfort her, and try to convince her that he would be there no matter what. That he would always love and protect her to the very best of his abilities. But he knew that she would shun him, avoid him as well as she could if he tried to approach her, and he didn't want to make her feel worse than she already did.
Suppressing a sudden urge to question her, to ask her to explain what had happened, how she felt, and what he could do, a thought suddenly came to mind; what if he had followed his gut-instinct that day she was captured? If he had told her to aboard the mission when it became clear that the intel they'd received was useless? Then Sydney wouldn't have gone looking for another way in and she might never have been… assaulted. At this time his thoughts didn't seem absurd to him in any way – he was in too much of a shock to think straight – and he was feeling so guilty and helpless, a part of him wanting nothing more than to run away and think, but the other part knowing that he had to stay there and be strong – for Sydney. He therefore calmly asked,
'Please tell me what happened Syd. Don't you think it'll help if you talk about it?'
Even though his sincerity was obvious, the question still irritated her, and she exclaimed,
'Don't you get it! I don't want you to know what happened! He humiliated me Vaughn, and I don't want to talk to you about it!'
With an annoyed motion she swiftly turned away from him, deep down wanting to try and make him understand what was going through her head but not feeling that she had the words to tell him.
'Then what about Barnett? She's a professional and you'll be able to talk to someone who's not…' his suggestion had come promptly but her reply was even quicker,
'No!' The fear in her eyes was evident as she looked at him, exclaiming,
'I can't do that! Then everyone finds out what happened! They'll know that I let Sark rape me!'
That she 'let' Sark rape her? He couldn't believe his own ears – did she really blame herself for what had happened? Thinking that she could have prevented it somehow! Even though he had promised himself that he wouldn't try and touch her, he spontaneously reach out to her as he exclaimed,
'You didn't let him rape you Sydney! He tied you down, drugged you, and then raped you! It's not your fault! There is nothing you could have done!'
When she ignored his statement completely he felt his stomach turn into a huge knot as it became clear to him how scared he was for her – if she wouldn't talk to him or to a psychologist then how was she going to get through this? How would she be able to go on with her life if she felt like this all the time? And what if…what if some other terrible thing happened to her on a mission and he wasn't able to protect her… again. Watching her, his feeling of guilt reappeared, and he said,
'I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you Syd… that I couldn't protect you…'
The interruption was instant,
'What!' She was staring at him, her anger becoming more visible when she yelled, 'this was exactly why I didn't want to tell you! I don't need you to protect me Michael! I've been taking care of myself ever since I can remember and just because that bastard hurts me doesn't mean that I lose the ability to think or act on my own behalf!'
Clenching her fists with rage she continued,
'I won't let him have that power over me Vaughn! Over us! He didn't do anything to me, that I can't handle, and he's not going to ruin my life!'
But he was ruining her life and she knew it. She had no idea how to deal with her emotions and they were driving her insane. One minute she was angry, the next she was ashamed and scared, and she couldn't seek comfort anywhere, because the one man she loved reminded her too much of the one she hated.
With her every word Vaughn felt himself getting more and more pissed. It wasn't so much what she said that upset him, it was her appearance, her body language, and her tone – all revealing to him that she, the most important person in his life, had been through hell, and if he didn't help her somehow he was afraid that he might lose the Sydney he knew and loved. But he couldn't figure out what to do and as he stood there, letting his rage fill him completely, he was for the first time able to fully comprehend what had actually happened to her. Sark had dehumanized her, used her as an object he could play with and control, with no regards to anything but his own pleasure and amusement. He had kissed and touched her in a way only someone she was intimate with was allowed to, and when doing so he had succeeded in shattering her completely, making her doubt if she could ever trust any man again. Sexually and emotionally. 'Meaning that our relationship may never be the same,' he thought, clenching his teeth, turning his back on Sydney while taking some deep breaths trying to control his anger. If he ever got the chance to get back at that son of a bitch he wouldn't hesitate. He couldn't let him get away with what he had done.
'I didn't mean to yell at you like that…' he turned towards her as she continued, '…but I'm just so screwed up right now.' She sat down on the bed, covering her face with her hands, and when he joined her she glanced at him, adding,
'I can't get the image of him, lying on top of me, out of my head and it's driving me crazy! Sometimes all I can think about is revenge – humiliating him as much as he did me – but most of the time I just…' He could see how she tried to suppress the tears appearing in the corners of her eyes as she said,
'…I just want to feel safe again. To be a whole person… and in a way I want to be held and comforted…'
'Then let me do that!' he exclaimed, not understanding how she could say such a thing when she had turned down his every attempt to comfort her.
'I can't!' She had gotten up, sending him a sad glance while saying, 'because you're a man and every time you touch me I'm reminded of Sark…'
'Then don't see me as a man!' He got up, walking towards her while he quickly added, 'See me as a person – a person who wants nothing more than to take care of you, to love you and comfort you, and to make sure that you're safe! That's all I want Sydney…'
Looking at him in a totally different light she suddenly understood what he meant – he was just a person, a person she loved, so why shouldn't she feel safe around him? Why couldn't he be the one to comfort her?
With a sob she walked towards him, throwing her arms around his neck while burying her face in his t-shirt, just letting herself cry.
Feeling the closeness of their embrace Vaughn couldn't remember ever being more relieved – they were touching without him noticing any restrictions on her part and he just enjoyed the feeling of her body next to his. But he couldn't shake off the insecurity lurking in the back of his mind reminding him that Sydney wasn't okay yet, that she still needed help even though she apparently felt more comfortable around him now. He therefore asked,
'Are you sure about Barnett?' He gently stroked the back of her head as he continued, 'Everything you tell her is confidential you know, and even if someone did find out what happened they wouldn't respect you any less because of it… '
Letting go of him she looked up, not really knowing what to say. In her mind she really wanted herself to feel attracted to him again, to long for his touch and kisses, but her mind and emotions were severely separated and she didn't feel that way – at all. During their embrace she had been comforted – in a way – but at the same time she had been reminded of Vaughn's masculinity making her recall every disgusting part of what had happened to her.
'I don't know about Barnett…' she looked him deep in the eyes when adding, '…but I'm still not comfortable being close to you Vaughn. I thought I was but I…'
'Then just tell me what you're comfortable with and we'll take it from there', he said, sending her a somewhat reassuring smile.
'But I don't know what I want and don't want! That's the problem…' Her confusion was obvious as she sat down on the bed, letting her fingers run through her hair while she said,
'Can't we leave it at this and go to bed? I just want a break from the whole matter… see if I can forget it for a while…'
'Sure,' he said, and as he sat down besides her he added,
'Do you want me to sleep on the couch tonight? I can understand if you want to be alone…'
She quickly shook her head saying, 'No, I want you in here with me…' then got up, moving to her own side of the bed. Her reason for wanting him to stay in the room was utterly selfish – his presence had become reassuring somehow, making her feel more safe than she did when she was alone, and deep down it was nice knowing that he would protect her no matter what happened. Even though that was something she would never admit.
Feeling her lie down besides him Vaughn silently turned out the light saying,
'Goodnight Syd,' and when hearing her reply he turned to his side, closing his eyes, just letting himself think. Even though he had seemed calm and rational almost all night, he had far from felt that way, and all his different emotions were still filling his head, threatening to leave him sleepless. There was especially one thing that was bothering him and that was the feeling he had of rejection. He knew that Sydney wasn't rejecting him by choice but it still hurt when she admitted that she couldn't stand being close to him, and he feared that she might never get over that – that she would be repulsed by him so long that they never would be able to have a real relationship again, and if that was the case he wasn't sure if he could handle it.
A quiet, discreet, but yet disturbing, sound suddenly got his attention and he opened his eyes instantly realizing what it was… or who it was. Sydney's subtle crying really got to him, and if he hadn't been convinced that she didn't want to be too close to him, he would have turned over to hold her and somehow try to soothe her pain. But at this point he didn't dare, fearing that he in some way might succeed in making things worse.
Once again having been overwhelmed by her emotions, Sydney was lying on her side, her back turned on Vaughn, trying to make herself stop crying. She didn't want him to hear her, knowing that she had sent him plenty of mixed signals throughout the night, and she realized that he wouldn't know how to react to her outburst. Therefore she lay perfectly still, trying not to disturb him, wishing that she could somehow magically change the way she felt about him and let herself be cuddled, held and touched by the man she loved so truly.
And as they lay there, their backs nearly touching, they looked as comfortable as any other couple getting ready to go to sleep, but the truth was that even though they were sharing a bed, lying intimately close to one another, they felt as though they were further apart then they ever had been before.