Dear Diary,

I HATE MEN! They're pigs all of them...well maybe not Jase but that's different. I wanted to be free lose the 'good girl' image so I went to Jakes and Cole knows me we've come to an understanding he never brings up 'Daisy' and I let him keep his manhood. So I was playing pool and kicking butt then dancing and having fun when this drunk ass tried to grope me I fought back and he called me a whore then I slapped him and it became a brawl and my hero...Coleman shoved the guy out of the club and into a wall it sobered him up quick. That's not why I hate men...met AJ again. AJ told me the 'wonderful' news...I'm not divorced to him we're still married and my marriage to Jase never was legal. See why I hate men yet? They lie, cheat, lots of other faults too mad to care to list them all!

I got blamed for his murder didn't do it but I'm not exactly sorry the cretin is dead. Ya Jase lost a brother but I think he lost him before this like the day he lost his soul to the bottle. Charges were dropped turns out he was killed by someone else for being cheated. Oh ya speaking of deaths Lila died I know it was a while back but I was kinda pushing it back myself she was an awesome woman like my grandmother and my grandmother isn't dead...well not the one I like...so I see Lila in her and anyway she's not dead to me. Jase took it hard because she was basically the only Quatermaine he could take. Emily isn't a Quatermaine any more she's a Casadine and Skye is a Spencer.

Eddie was put in Shady Brook...Helena and the wicked witch of the west-Tracy. They wanted his money and crap. Ugh ppl and money it's not everything I have lots of it so does Jason but do we go crazy for it...no. Course mine has probably grew or turned to dust sitting in the bank I haven't gone to college yet I know I have a foundation and no college degree...oh well. I know Sonny has a lot of money but he has to with Carly's shopping sprees. That girl can shop but Tamara totally out does her with sales. Me I don't buy a lot ya I changed my wardrobe trying to look sophisticated Elton just laughs and shakes his head calls me 'ice princess' I roll my eyes and tell him he's a stereotype. He sticks his tongue at me and we go on with our day.

Soon the foundation will be opening and I can't wait. Skye tries to beat me at poker cause she can't at pool she sadly still loses I try to tell her I'm an AC girl the home of casinos she don't listen and I make a good pot. Oh well. Mikey keeps running away from Carly but not to Sonny and vice a versa he runs to me or Jase.

Why? When his mom was missing I made him a promise just like I did with Kris and Lexi knows it. If they ever need a place to go when they feel their world is crashing around them I'm always here for them and I'll stick up for them tooth and nail whether or not Sonny/Carly/Lexi agrees with their belief it don't matter they need someone who is there for them totally cause they really don't have that. I'm not saying Carly/Sonny/Lexi are bad parents far from it but when stress enters their kids take back burner and that shouldn't be so I'll be waiting on the back burner so they know they're not playing second fiddle.

Mikey will be an awesome soccer player and Kris is soo smart. Morgan...haven't really spent much time with him he's usually with Carly/Steven. Life goes on, it always does I've learned that.

Cor

Dear Diary,

I don't want to wake up! I want to sleep forever and pretend what I just learned was part of a nightmare! WHY THE HELL did this happen! I hate the cycle of life! It sucks!

Vic-daddy's dead. Nothing mob related he had a stupid heart attack and they tried everything but no success. There was the usual mob funeral which was beautiful then the personal which I wanted to cry and shout and just fell to my knees silent. I know I'm supposed to remember the good times but I can't help it he was my FATHER in all the ways it counted so I didn't have his genes I had his blood literally...he gave me a transfusion when I was little. I just want him to be there, Diego took it hard too cause he was like his 'grand father' since I'm like his mom. Janine was a total bitch about it didn't want to attend and then when she did she called him every name under the sun saying he stole her 'baby' and turned her against her mother! It took Sammie and Lorenzo to hold me back from ripping her head off!

I stood in the rain thankful for it, it should rain on the day I lost someone very important it was like heaven was crying or at least making sure we all knew it was a time of sorrow. Sammie, Lorenzo, Tam and her husband stood staring at the fresh mound not saying a word each remembering him in our ways I had Max...ya he was sent to guard me...don't know why he bothered since I'm disowned but it worked to my advantage cause he took Diego home after I promised him I'd take care of myself and wouldn't get too drunk. I'd also talk to him about Victor because he didn't know him as much but he sure had a hell of an impact on him.

So we all went to my club...ya its wonderful it's called the Noir mob/regulars its part restaurant, dance, bar, and game room it's awesome and we all love it. Anyway we went there and took a few bottles of our fave drinks went to my office and just drank while we sobbed and laughed our pain away. Next morning Diego was evil and played his noise he calls music I mean if Sonny hated my music and called it noise he'd think this was just loud screams of nonsense. I had a hangover but Diego had no sympathy cause he told me not to get too drunk and I promised...so I paid...got up with him playing his noise took a shower and got dressed glared angrily at him which he ignored, sadly he's immune like I am to Jase/Sonny's. So I ate and took pills then sat down and talked to him about his grand dad showed him pics and then he asked about my past so I told him the condensed abridged version, had a mom and a dad he left mom turned to the drink and I was raised by victor. See how short I made it with no details what so ever...I'm good.

We basically stayed in and talked he told me about how far he wanted to go with Brook I told him if he did he'd take responsibility or use protection he agreed. Gee maybe Sonny should've had this talk that way he wouldn't have gotten Lexi and Spam pregnant...but who cares he did and they dealt. I took Diego to Noir and we danced I also showed him 'my guys' cause he never really met them before they were always working. Max tried to size them up and I shook my head cause I love M&M but NO ONE can beat 'my guys'. Lee, Ryan, Justin, and Seth they're just 'my guys' and they were awesome.

So Diego and I danced together first it was this formal crap which didn't match the music so I excused myself and Tam danced with him and he loosened up into regular dancing I guess cause I'm his 'mom' he can't act wild even though he just punished me for having a hangover. Well anyway Lee and I are the 'dancers' of our group I did ballet for years was like my escape along with the ice so Sammie flipped the music onto our style and we hit the floor as did Diego's jaw. It was fun. Once he saw I'm not just a 'mom' but I also like to have fun and cut loose we danced not like I was with Lee but it was still fun. Hmm how to explain dancing with Lee...Dirty Dancing 2 only less sweat and no kissing. I got pictures I think Diego enjoyed his little break even though he begged to call Brook whenever he could. sigh young love.

Sammie wants more territory in PC not to 'take over' he wants to be closer to me and I'm touched so was Diego but I'm still wary Sonny would flip and I don't need the drama I got news from those specialists I can have kids but I have to go through surgery, a regimen and other crap so suffice to say it ain't happening anytime soon especially since I've been having migraines a lot...no there's no cancer we know that its just annoying cause these are bad like when I was a kid where I can't get up its that bad and it sucks cause its only one side so I take the pills and have a cold washcloth on one side of my forehead. Diego knows how to cook/clean and stuff he even helps with the foundation and waterfront when I can't.

I think Sammie wants to come up cause he wants to take care of me but I'm fine...most of the time but if I have to listen to Corinthos/Morgan yell at me for something and I'm in pain I'm not controlling my tongue or fists. Sammie decided he'll move to Hayes Landing and take care of my house I agreed because I don't want it falling apart it holds all the pictures from my past Diego goes there too sometimes just to see a glimpse of what I hide. He's growing so much he'll graduate soon and that sucks. I know he was already in high school but still...I want him to stay here...ya I'm selfish so what. He doesn't want to leave anyway said he wants to go to NYU.

I'm glad really but he should be able to go wherever he wants not be stuck by me he just rolls his eyes and says he's a big boy who'll do what he wants when he wants unless it breaks one of our rules. Hmm wonder where he got that from...I blame his peers...lol...no I take full satisfaction that I'm rubbing off on him.

Cor