BITTERSWEET STRUGGLE
Hello my dear people. I'm here again with the new story. This is really exciting for me, as the idea for this story has been developing in my head for weeks and now I can finally transfer it from my head to a written form. This story will not be easy and there will be difficult moments, because of the subject, but there will be lighter moments too-hence the title. I want to develop the plot of Charles's palsy, as we are only seeing few glimpses of it in the show and none in the movies. So I would like to go all the way from the beginning, to the moment when Charles comes back as a butler, in the second movie.
Story summary: Charles's safe and happy world suddenly falls apart, when he starts to discover the first signs of a palsy- which he was hoping to avoid. How will he handle his condition, his departure from work and will Elsie be able to help him?
Legal note: I do not own any rights to the characters, I only play with them quite often.
Few months has passed since their wedding and Charles Carosn felt, for the very first time, since he could remember, that his life is perfect. Before they married, he was devoted to his job only, the Abbey meant the world for him and being a butler was his second self. He adored being bossy, judgmental and to require higher and higher standards each day, from his subordinates.
Being in control and making sure, that everything was done properly and on time, was something that he mastered to perfection and he knew, that he wouldn't exchange this job for any other.
Apart from the duties that he adored so much, he was extremely devoted to the family which he served. The Crawleys were like his own family and he never doubted in His Lordship's decision, he respected Lady Cora, he was devoted to old Lady Grantham and Lady Mary was like his own daughter, that he always adored and wanted to protect from all the bad decisions, that she could take.
His professional life was everything that he ever dreamed about, but until he married Elsie, he had no idea what happiness meant.
Of course it took a lot of effort for him and for her, to adjust to the completely new situation in their life, being in the age, that you normally have problems with changes. There was a lot of new stuff at one time- new cottage, new life situation-sharing everything with Elsie daily and matching their own habits, so that it would be possible for them to live together, without biting their heads off.
They've come a long way since the day of their wedding. From the cooking fiasco, to some smaller things- like the cottage decoration, choosing the side of the bed in which they preferred to sleep, choosing the way to spend their free afternoon and many, many others.
After a difficult way, that they had to go through, requiring compromises from both sides, Charles finally felt, like they reached some kind of understanding, allowing them both to fully enjoy their new marital status and to avoid fighting over small and insignificant things.
How he loved to be married to Elsie. She was always the most important part of his Downton life, ever since she started working with him, but now, she was his everything and he didn't hesitate to tell her that, on many ocassions. Elsie was smiling warmly, hearing those fervent declarations from her husband. He tended to be more sentimental than she was, but it was truly wonderful to know how much she meant for him.
When Charles tried to remember, how he was able to live so many years, as a bachelor, spending free time alone (not that he had much of it), but still, how it was possible, to go to sleep every night, alone, in the overwhelming loneliness of his old room, without having warm and soft Elsie's body by his side? It seemed almost unreal to him now, that he could live through so many years without her.
It was true, that being the head of the household staff, they didn't have much free time for each other, but the one they had, they used productively.
Whatever they were doing together, Charles was happy. With Elsie, even the simple walk to the forest, or mutual sofa reading of books, under one, warm blanket, was a wonderful adventure. He scolded himself multiple times, for waiting so long to share all the aspects of his life, with this extraordinary woman.
Yes, his life at the Abbey may give him satisfaction, but his marriage life with Elsie gave him bliss and happiness, that he never knew could exist.
Their mutual days and most of all their mutual nights, was something that he cherished with every fiber of his body. All the time, without stopping.
First signs...
Charles was turning restlessly on his bed, in the middle of the night, trying to fall asleep. He was anxious. Few days ago, when the house was full of guests and they had a lot to do, for the first time, he started to feel that some things are too much for him. That the factors which didn't seem important for him before-like his age and his health condition, were showing him, that it's time to slow down.
However, he swiftly quiet down the voices in his head, telling him to stop. He couldn't let himself to lower the standards of the service, especially in the house full of guests. How would the family feel, if something went wrong? What would the guests think, if it turned out, that butler Charles Carson is not able to keep up? That was unthinkable. So he continued his tireless efforts to make everything perfect.
In the late evening, when he was drinking his tea, waiting for Elsie, who was still busy with something, he suddenly noticed, that the hand in which he was holding the cup, started to be a little shaky and he froze seeing it...Immediately, he thought about his grandfather and his father and he reminded himself, of this terrible condition, because of which they had to gave up their careers.
But the shaking soon subsided, so he tried to calm himself down, thinking, that maybe his hand was simply strained from carrying a lot of heavy things. That could happen to anyone. He sighed with relief, wishing, that it was one time incident.
Unfortunately it wasn't. Two days later, when they guests left Downton and Her Ladyship gave him and Elsie free afternoon and evening together, as a way of saying thank you for the enormous work that they did, it happened again.
They were sitting on the sofa together and each of them was reading a book, when Charles felt it again. He swiftly made sure, that Elsie was preoccupied with her book, so preoccupied, that she couldn't see what was going on and he hid the shaking hand under the blanket.
Again, it subsided as before, but now Charles was not so sure about his hand being strained. He started to think that something was very wrong. Of course he didn't say anything to Elsie, he didn't want to worry her and knowing how much she was concerned with the smallest health problems of his, he decided to stay silent.
When they ate dinner and Elsie went upstairs to take a bath, he switched the light off in the living room and he kept on staring on the starry sky, through the window, gently massaging his hand. He wanted to believe, that it was nothing, but the chances for it were very slim.
He sighed heavily and went upstairs to join Elsie. During his bath, he kept on obsessing about it, but when he went back to their bedroom, Elsie let him forget his awful assumptions for a while, as she got close to him and left him no doubts, about how she wanted to spend their evening together.
That was an invitation that he could never refuse and wouldn't want to refuse, so soon they were making love slowly and lazily, whispering sweet words of love and as always in those moments, Charles was able to forget the biggest problems, loose all the doubts and restless thoughts.
He had his beloved woman in his arms, naked, willing to give herself to him and it was all that mattered.
When they finished their delicious moments, Elsie fell asleep rather quickly, nestling into him closely.
Charles thought, that he will follow her example, but the disturbing thoughts came back.
He tried to chase them away, he was watching a sleeping Elsie, once more wondering, how anybody can be that beautiful, how was it possible, that this woman who always reminding him an angel- the most perfect angel, was so much in love with him, as he was in her.
He asked himself the same question- for a thousand time probably- why was he such a fool to wait so many years to marry her, why did he waste so much precious time? Why didn't he marry her when he was a young man, full of vital- in the time, when he could have given her children, when working full time and taking care of his own family in the same time, would not be a challenge.
When after a day filled with duties, he would be able to make love to her all night. Now there wasn't a lot from that young, strong man in him and there wasn't a lot, that he could offer her, but still she was willing to accept everything that he could have given her, never asking for more, or demanding anything, that he couldn't handle.
Charles sighed deeply, praying heartily, that it wouldn't turn out, that soon, he won't even be able to give her those few things, that she was receiving from him now. He pulled her closer, kissing her temples softly, being careful not to wake her up and he finally managed to fall asleep too, appeased with the calming presence of the woman that he loved more than anyone. He simply let those bad thoughts to wait till another day...
That's all for the first chapter of the story. Of course, from obvious reasons, this story will be multi chapter one. I often wondered, how Charles felt, when he saw the first signs of his condition. How frightened and alone he must have been with all this. We know, that he was hiding it from Elsie and everyone else and it could not have been easy. I hope, that you are finding this a promising story and that you will want to continue reading it. Let me know what you think, if you have a moment and thank you for reading. Have a nice weekend.