19th day, 6th month, standard year 24934
Yesterday I thought I was going to lose this journal.
You know one thing I don't like...maybe even hate myself for? I'm never, ever worried about my Master. Even when we're in the heat of battle, like we were yesterday, I just wasn't afraid for him. I was more afraid for this journal. Can you believe that?
I can't understand why. Maybe because I've never seen him hurt that badly...he's such a brilliant fighter he never seems to pick up more than a scratch. Me, on the other hand....
Just to make it worse, at the end of the mission, when the King and his children were safe and so were me and my Master....Master put his arm around me and said. "Well done, Padawan. You know, loyality and devotion like yours is hard to find these days," He looked so proud. It made me wonder what I'd done. "Ah, my Padawan...we can and will change the galaxy!"
He has funny moments like that. Moments where
he'll say something like that...."We CAN and WILL change the GALAXY!"
and as he said it he steered me over to the window
and stood there with one hand on my shoulder and the other spread out as
if singing in a opera.
Maybe it as something to do with Yoda and all his talk of no emotions. Or as my Master says it, No Emotion.
You know what I suddenly thought of? The Code says so much about hating. But it never says anything about hating yourself.
*****
30th day, 6th month, standard year 24934
Vulna beat Tahl in a lightsabre duel....and taunted her so much about it and Master Thea's disappointment in her that she was nearly in tears.
The Masters must know about things like this...so why don't they do anything about it?
******
34th day, 7th month, standard year 24934
Today, for no real reason, I went up to the highest level, onto a balconey, and climbed up the highest tower right onto the roof. And I wasn't afraid. So my eyes were closed for the last few steps or so, but that doesn't mean a thing!
I got up to the very top and opened my eyes. The world and the people and millions of adventures stretched out before me. It was so amazing I forgot to be afraid.
There were ships not too far below me- I felt like I could jump onto one and it would take me wherever I wanted to go. The wind was in my hair, and the air for once smelt of something other than metal and glass. If I wasn't in danger of falling to my death, it would be the perfect place to meditate.
Then I heard Tahl yelling, and that startled me out of it. What was I doing!? I could have died!
(Actually, that's more or less what she was yelling....'Get DOWN from there, you IDIOT! You're going to FALL to your DEATH!" )
I swallowed and started to climb down slowly, using the Force. When I was safely in front of her, I saw she looked livid.
"Qui-Gon Jinn, what did you think you were doing?! That was so stupid...no-one ever done anything like that before....if your Master saw...."
I felt guilty all of a sudden. "I'm sorry," I said.
"You could have DIED!"
She sounded so much like a mother or a big sister that I almost laughed, but I bit it back just in time. "Honestly. I'm sorry I scared you." I'd be pretty scared if it was her doing something dumb.
"Hmmmm." She slipped her hand into mine. "Please don't do that again."
"I won't."
We walked back to the window, hurrying so no-one would notice we were gone. "Why in the world did you do that anyway? What was up there?"
"The Living Force," I said. "People say there's not much of it on Coruscant."
"Oh, I see." I don't know if she actually did. Perhaps. She understands me more than most people. "But you shouldn't have done that. It's dangerous at the best of times, but there's a storm coming, too..."
*****