Howlers and Lockhart bashing!
ShadeDancer
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and can't get money for this, but I can make him into a Mafia Prince.
Warning: Some chapters (the ones including pranks) might not be appropriate to read at work. Laughter may ensue leading your co-workers to see you as even more insane than they previously thought.
Chapter 7: Lockhart's Lessons
The next morning Harry and Blaise easily fell into the morning routine they had held at Hogwarts last year, Professor Snape joining them to work with them for a bit on dueling; he was considering holding lessons for other Slytherin students on the art of dueling after seeing how well it was working with Harry and Blaise. Those lessons would be held in the evening after classes though; the morning ritual was fast becoming sacred to the three who held to it. The routine was followed by quick showers before Harry and Blaise headed to breakfast together and settled in to eat their meal in peace before the hall became too crowded and noisy. Unfortunately their good moods were about to take a dive as Professor Snape handed out their class schedules. Immediately Harry let his head bang against the table, they had Defense first up.
"Someone up there hates us," Blaise groaned, "sticking us with that bloody git first period. At least we have potions before lunch and herbology after. Charms, transfiguration, and history of magic are tomorrow, along with midnight astronomy."
A commotion over at the Gryffindor table interrupted any response Harry was going to give as a roar of sound filled the huge hall, shaking dust from the ceiling.
"—STEALING THE CAR, I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SURPRISED IF THEY'D EXPELLED YOU, YOU WAIT TILL I GET HOLD OF YOU, I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU STOPPED TO THINK WHAT YOUR FATHER AND I WENT THROUGH WHEN WE SAW IT WAS GONE—"
Mrs. Weasley's yells were a hundred times louder than usual, making the plates and spoons rattle on the table as they echoed deafeningly off the stone walls. Many of the Slytherins started to snicker at Ron who was slumping down as if he wished to disappear completely under the table.
"—LETTER FROM DUMLEDORE LAST NIGHT, I THOUGHT YOUR FATHER WOULD DIE OF SHAME, WE DIDN'T BRING YOU UP TO BEHAVE LIKE THIS. I EXPECTED SOMETHING LIKE THIS FROM FRED AND GEORGE, BUT YOU! YOU COULD HAVE DIED—"
Harry saw that the twins looked extremely affronted at the mention they received in the howler.
"—ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED—YOUR FATHER'S FACING AN INUIRY AT WORK, IT'S ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT AND IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE WE'LL BRING YOU STRAIGHT BACK HOME."
A ringing silence fell before the red envelope of the howler burst into flames and singed itself to ash. Gradually people started to look away from the spectacle that had just finished playing out and turned back to the conversations they had abandoned when the shouts had filled the hall.
Harry turned to Blaise, "you're father doesn't know how to make one of those, does he?"
Blaise merely shrugged and both of them finished off their breakfast before joining the quay of students leaving the hall to make their way to their first lesson of the day. On their way to the Defense corridor they passed by Ron who was being cornered by a beaming Lockhart who seemed to be trying to instruct the youngest male Weasley on the best way to attract fame without seeming too obvious about it. Harry shook his head sadly as they rounded the corner only to be accosted by a Gryffindor, a first year from the looks of it.
"All right, Harry? I'm—I'm Colin Creevey," he said breathlessly, taking a step forward and clutching a camera tightly, "I'm in Gryffindor, but I've heard so much about you. D'you think—would it be all right if—can I have a picture? Would you sign it?"
"I don't do photos," Harry told the first year firmly, but was interrupted before he could say anymore.
"What's all this, what's all this?" Lockhart had obviously finished his assault on Ron and had overheard Colin. "Who's giving out signed photos?"
His eyes landed on Harry. "Harry Potter, I should have known. Come on then Mr. Creevey. A double portrait, can't do better than that, and we'll both sign it for you."
Lockhart tried to put a companionable arm around Harry's shoulder but Harry expertly dodged and fingered his wand menacingly.
"I'm warning you, you perverted child molester," Harry's voice was dangerous and low as he spoke so only Lockhart could hear, "try and touch me again and I won't be responsible for the consequences."
Harry and Blaise swept haughtily past the paling Defense teacher and reluctantly entered the classroom in which they were going to be subjected to his teaching methods. Choosing seats at the very back of the classroom Harry and Blaise ignored the books they had in their satchel written by Lockhart and instead settled down to read through a book on offensive curses Snape had recommended to them. Slowly the rest of the class came in, the girls chattering excitedly, and Harry noticed that Draco and his cronies also choose seats in the back near him and Blaise; they weren't vying for close up seats like most of the rest of the class was.
Within moments Lockhart was sweeping grandly into the room, looking for all the world like an turkey trying to dress up as a peacock, clearing his throat to artfully gain everyone's attention. As silence fell he reached forward and picked up someone's copy of Travels with Trolls, holding it up to show off his own winking portrait on the front.
"Me," he said, pointing at it and winking as well, "Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award—but I don't talk about that. I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her!"
Harry and Blaise gave identically derisive snorts as a few of their other classmates smiled weakly. Before they knew it the class was being treated to a little quiz to see how well they had read Lockhart's books. It was one quiz Harry knew he was going to fail, he had wanted to burn Lockhart's books but had been stopped so that they didn't have to waste money on buying another set of the worthless texts so that they would have them for class. Harry looked down at his paper and read:
1. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite color?
2. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition?
3. What, in your opinion, is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date?
On and on it went, over three sides of paper, right down to:
54. When is Gilderoy Lockhart's birthday, and what would his ideal gift be?
Grinning maliciously Harry began to fill in answers, if he was going to fail this ridiculous excuse for a quiz he was going to get some kicks out of it.
Half an hour later, Lockhart collected the papers and rifled through them in front of the class, reading out the answers and tsking at them for not remembering that his favorite color was Lilac and that he clearly said so in Year of the Yeti. Praise went out to Pansy Parkinson for getting most of the answers correct, causing the girl to squeal in delight; Harry merely sat back and waited for his paper to be read out.
"Ah," Lockhart smiled, "Harry Potter's paper. He writes: Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite color is slime—"
Lockhart flushed and stopped reading before shuffling to a new paper.
"What's the matter professor?" Harry asked innocently, "what about the rest of my answers? I would like to see how correct I was."
"I—well," Lockhart started, "what you wrote—"
"Can't you read my writing?" Harry smirked, "I can tell you what it says, I remember my answers perfectly. Your favorite color is slime green as it reminds you of the swamp hole you grew up in. Your secret ambition is to get laid by someone other than your mother; your greatest achievement to date is not having spawned any offspring; and I believe your birthday is irrelevant, though you wouldn't say no to receiving a muggle vibrator if anyone cared enough to give you a gift."
Lockhart flushed as most of the class started snickering and a few that had knowledge of the muggle world and knew what a vibrator was nearly fell out of their seats laughing.
"I believe you need to reread my books, Harry," Lockhart huffed, trying to regain control of the class, "so—to business."
With exaggerated movements Lockhart leaned down behind his desk and lifted a covered cage up onto the polished wooden surface.
"Now—be warned! It is my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to wizardkind! You may find yourselves facing your worst fears in this room. Know only that no harm can befall you whilst I am here. All I ask is that you remain calm."
Harry and Blaise exchanged incredulous looks and wondered what the incompetent buffoon was going to subject them to now.
"I must ask you not to scream," Lockhart said in an exaggeratedly low voice, "it might provoke them."
Lockhart whipped off the cover of the cage and exclaimed, "Yes. Freshly caught Cornish pixies."
Draco couldn't control himself and let out a sneering bark of laughter, "we're supposed to be afraid of pixies?"
"Don't be to sure they aren't dangerous," Lockhart warned, waving a finger annoyingly at Draco, "devilish tricky blighters they can be!"
The pixies were electric blue and about eight inches high, with pointed faces and voices so shrill it was like listening to a lot of budgies arguing. The moment the cover had been removed, they had started jabbering and rocketing around, rattling the bars and making bizarre faces at the people nearest them.
"Right then!" Lockhart said as he began to open the cage, "let's see how you fare with them."
It was pandemonium. The pixies shot in every direction, hurtling objects and people alike; a few even shot straight through the windows towards freedom, showering those nearest the windows with glass. The rest proceeded to wreck the classroom, thankfully shredding the books Lockhart had written in the process; they resisted Lockhart's useless spell of Peskipiksi Pesternomi easily and Lockhart's wand went sailing out the window courtesy of one of the pixies. Suddenly the bell rang and a mad rush was made towards the exit, Lockhart catching Harry and Blaise before they could leave.
"Well, I'll ask you two to just nip the rest of them back into their cage," he said, making a beeline for the door.
Incensed Harry drew one of his daggers and prepared to throw, only for Blaise to catch his arm, knocking his aim askew.
"You can't kill the pixies!" She berated him, "it wouldn't be right."
"Who said I was going to kill the pixies?" Harry grumbled, "I was aiming for that bastard Lockhart."
"Oh!" Blaise bit her lip, "what do we do now?"
"I guess take care of the pixies," Harry shrugged, "I don't really feel like caging them though."
Deciding not to put the pixies back into the cage was an easy choice, but they couldn't leave them there to harass the next students that came into the room. Deciding to let the Pixies free Harry let out a shrill whistle, if this didn't work then they would just have to hex the little buggers. The pixies turned their attention to Harry and Blaise, suddenly realizing that there were still two humans in the room.
The pixies started to go into a dive bomb towards Harry and Blaise but pulled up short, chattering in their high pitched voices when Harry pointed his wand to a window and called out a shattering spell. The Pixies hovered there for a moment before deciding to streak past Harry and Blaise to the window that had just been opened before them; one pixie stopping long enough to kiss both Harry and Blaise on their noses before flying out.
"Well," said Harry, "that went well. Wonder what Lockhart's going to do for a lesson without his pixies now?"
Linking arms Harry and Blaise headed for potions, not wanting to be late and earning Snape's disapproving eye; they may get along, but Merlin help them if they were late for class.
A/N: I had a lot of fun writing some of that. Now I want to ask for input on what people think should happen when Trevor and Manuel start questioning the guards. Should there be more witches/wizards/squibs among his staff and should anyone be found to be disloyal? Thanks!
For those of you reading Deceptive Appearances I'm slowly working my way through it and making some changes. Harry was getting a bit too super-powered and I sort of lost track of the plot. Don't worry, it's not abandoned.
Thanks to everyone who reviewed:
Foodiholic: Shadedancer is still alive? Why didn't anyone tell me:)
Nooka and Eaiva le Fay: Ron isn't going to be expelled, but he will be serving detention for a while. He'll come in handy later.
Love It: as long as you give me a name, even anonymous, I'll try and respond. To them Manuel is a very important Muggle business man. The labs I've offhandedly mentioned are legitimate companies; they just have some hidden departments geared towards 'shady' dealings that no one knows about. Ron's already started to loosen up a bit, but will never completely redeem himself, and Hermione will have a part to play in this story.
Athenakitty I don't think Lockhart will lose his memories in this one, I have other things planned for him. (demonic grin).
Firedancer885: I might write a side story about the Code Black, I'm not sure yet. Could you just imagine Ron finding Bill holding a gun…he probably wouldn't know what it was and would wonder what the hell his brother was pointing at him.