a/n:thanks to those three review. positive feedback is always welcome. well, negative too, but lets keep that on the low. hope this chapter still leaves me with a good impression

She changed. I knew it. From the first time I saw in her in fifteen years.

The long gap had done numerous things to her. She had grown up. And quoting Sirius, yes, she had grown up good. She had fortunately inherited the Black genes physical-wise. Sirius had them. He was always the best looking one out of the group. She looked more like Bellatrix, with her dark hair and eyes, but with a whip of Narcissa Malfoy; even if those two aren't the best of people, they did look fantastic. And so did she.

She was different too. I always imagined her as a little kid, the ones you warm up to. The first time I met her was on her eleventh birthday. I was quite fond of the little girl with the admirable powers and uncommon name. She didn't exactly act like the Blacks. She was more outgoing, and wasn't prejudice. No offense to Sirius or anything, but some of his parent's pride had wiped off on him. Though he had nothing against Muggle-borns, he did sometimes crack the occasional insult towards them. Nymphadora never did. But then again, her father was Muggle-born.

And she was a funny creature. She hated her name, and defied anyone who ever called her Nymphadora. But she never really did anything about it everytime I called her by it. I felt special - she liked me well enough to let me get by with calling her Nymphadora without getting beat up.

But she's grown now. She became an Auror. It's quite a admirable feat - there haven't been that many new Aurors lately. She had come out of the queue, and shown her powers. I always knew she'd come out on top.

In that fifteen year gap, I didn't see her. I haven't even heard from her, but then again, I didn't see a reason for her to write to me. Afterall, she was young, and I was a twenty-something then. I was an adult while she a child. We didn't have much in common except our names and our morphing, although she didn't know about my sitation until much later.

I lost contact with her for many reasons. Some of them I'm not even sure about. I felt betrayed by Sirius during that time. Thinking foolishly that he had murdered Peter Pettigrew, thinking he had given away Lily and James' hideout. I had regretfully not looked into the matter more closely. I was too hurt from such betrayal by a man I though was my brother.

Yet it all changed too. Sirius was innocent, while Peter still healthy and whole. Sirius was condemned to a life of no identity towards the open public. But he had me. I looked out for him, as well as Dumbledore and Harry.

And then, Voldemort's rise came. On a dreary night, roughly a year ago, Sirius had come knocking on my door. He was sent to gather up the old remaing crowd of the Order.

And it was there that I saw her again.

The first time she set her eyes on me, it was as if daggers pierced into my soul. Her glare was cold as ice, and hard as stone. I didn't blame her. I hadn't seen her for a long time.

We had always got on well before. Whenever Sirius went to visit her, I would tag along as much as I could, just to hear the interesting stories of her days. We even exchanged gifts and letters. But then the murder happened. The letter she had written to me said that she thought Sirius was innocent. Her letter had made me angry - I stopped believing in Sirius since the day of the Peter Pettigrew trial. I ignored it. And she didn't write back.

I had tried many times to engage her in conversing with me for a month. She avoided me. It was weird, seeing her avoid me like that. She used to talk to me willingly. She would even sometimes change her appearance completely, so I would think she were someone else. It fooled me many times.

Sirius saw through it. He too thought it was quite weird.

'Tonks always liked you best from my friends,' he told me one night when we were alone in Grimmauld place. 'When I went over to visit her, all she'd do was talk about you, and all the things you've taught her.'

I didn't remember teaching her much.

'She told me you taught her the Waddiwassi trick. She's been reading Muggle books since you've introduced her to something called "Tuck Everlasting".'

Yes, I had given her a book for her eleventh birthday. We all gave her something - we didn't think it'd be right to intrude into her house on her birthday without at least getting her something. Sirius had bought her the complete potions set so she wouldn't need to worry about it when her Hogwarts supply letter came. Lily and James bought her a magical pet rat from some pet store down in Godric's Hollow. And Peter had gotten her some kind of shawl. Everyone's presents seemed so much better than mine. But to my surprise, she was most taken by mine.

'I've heard of this book!' she exclaimed, picking it up eagerly. 'Dad had told me about it! He said it was wonderful!'

According to Sirius, I had taught her many things, and taught them well. I gave her the love of books, the art of patience, and the tricks to evade as much trouble as possible.

But in my opinion, it was she who had taught me the most important things.

During those brief two years before everything happened, she had inspired me in more ways than one. She put laughter in my hollow life. She gave light in my darkness.

I remember this one particular day at Sirius' old apartment. It was two months before Lily and James wouldn't be here anymore, and also Christmas break. Her parents were constantly busy. It was one of those nights where Sirius was actually available for some looking after. And Dumbledore had given me a break also, from three straight all-nighters, looking out for Death Eater.

Sirius had gone out for some food supply as he was short of everything but gin. He had left me in charge for time being. But I never thought Nymphadora ever needed looking after. She was wise beyond her years; I learned that that very night.

I was feeling quite low. It had just been a week since my last transformation. I had just learned that my mother was captured by an annonymous Death Eater. My father was long gone. He had died mysteriously when I was eight. My then girlfriend, Sadie, had trashed me, saying I became a different person. I had confessed my werewolf status to her. I knew she would be prejudice. But instead of saying straight out that she hated werewolved, she told me I became someone 'different.' It was one of the worst feelings. A if everything was crumbling. Everything was falling apart. Even Sadie was gone. And she had told me she loved me.

I moped around Sirius' flat, unaware of the girl I was suppossed to be watching. For how long I sat in the couch, in that same position, I didn't know. But out of nowhere, I felt a tugging on my sleeve.

'Yes?' I answered, a bit harsh. I was tired, annoyed and angry. I didn't even look up.

'Here, Remus. Drink this.'

She had held out a drink for me in a small glass. It was some of the gin from Sirius' cellar. I took it and swigged it up quickly. I avoided her, thinking that she might leave me alone.

But she hadn't.

Instead, she took a seat on the floor by my right foot. She just sat there, facing my leg. I was a bit unnerved by her. And then, suddenly, she looked up at me. I saw her, as I was looking down.

'You found hope, you found faith. You saw how fast it could be taken away.'

Her words were lulling. I thought she was speaking nonsense, until I did a double take on what she had said. I was about to comment, but she had said more.

'You will fly. You will crawl. But even angels fall.'

I stared at her, looking straight into her everchanging eyes. And she stared determinedly back.

'No such thing as you lost it all, Remus. Even angels fall.'

I was silent. I had been awed by her words of wisdom. A tiny trickle feel down my eye. She was the only person to see me crying - well, near it.

She then hugged my right leg. 'It's okay, Remus. We all have our rainy days. You can cry. I promise I won't tell Sirius or anyone else.'

Although the single tear was all that escaped from me, I was comforted by her.

'So, you think I'm an angel?' I asked, with a hoarse shaky voice, trying to imply airiness.

'Of course!' she had replied, sounding surprised.

'Thank you, but I'm far from one.'

'Well, you are one, Remus Lupin, even if you don't think you are.'

'Oh, really?'

'Yes, really! And if you don't think you are one, I'll make you one.'

'You'll make me one?'

I found her quite amusing at this point.

'Yes, I will make you one. Guardian angels are quite needed around these times. And since I don't have one, you can be mine.'

I was her guardian angel. Yet I hadn't been there to look after her for fifteen years. And within those fifteen years, she didn't need one. She's a powerful witch now, so I highly doubt she'd still need me there.

When Order business was needed to be accomplished, I was coincidentally always in her group. Because of this, she was literally forced to talk to me. But I'm glad we were in the same group. I missed talking to her. And she finally gave in, and we became friends again.

But then our friendship took a plunge in the deep end. It too, had fallen apart.

Nymphadora Tonks was always an odd character. She was a metamorphmagi, she had the most unique name, and the most ecstatic personality. I never really knew what her next move was. That was one of the reasons why she made a good Auror - she was unpredictable.

And the most unpredictable thing she ever said to me had turned everything around.

'Remus, I'm just going to say it straight. I like you.'

Though I knew what she implied, I tried to head her words into another direction, hoping she'd meant it differently.

'Well, I like you too, Nymphadora. That's why we're friends.'

Her face contorted in frustration.

'No! I like you. In the way that you want a courtship kind of like.'

Though I was far beyond surprised by her sudden words, now that I look back, it doesn't really surprise me all that much. Our missions were always together. We were like a team. And in those missions, we talked about everything, from family, friends, and even love life. I liked her well enough. She was beautiful; that was a given. She was energetic. She was full of humour. She had all the qualities a man would look for in a woman. And I too, had liked her. But it was complicated.

She knew of my transformation. She was informed about it during the first few Order meetings. But she seemed not to care.

I had told her our age difference would cause problems. In reply, she told me age was just a number. In her case, it really is. She's intelligent. She's wise. She's done many things that other people double her age hadn't even achieved. I couldn't think of an argument for that.

So, finding a new excuse, I told her I was poor. Not exaggerating, but I am poor. She wasn't the richest witch, but she was much better off than I.

She replied by saying money didn't matter. All that mattered was that as long as we had enough to eat, be clothed, and had somewhere to stay, she would be more than happy.

I couldn't argue with that. I didn't really give much thought about money myself. I had enough food on the table with my odd jobs. I was properly clothed, even if my clothes seemed shabby and worn. I had my own small apartment I stayed in.

So, as my last defense, I brought up my werewolf situation. I would've thought that this point was unarguable. But she defied me with that too.

'I don't CARE, Remus! I don't care! When you love someone, it doesn't matter what they are. All that matters is that you're with them, and when you are, it feels good. It feels right. And with you, it feels good! It feels right!'

I didn't know what to say to this. I replayed her words in my head. "When you love someone". I didn't bring up the point that she had said 'love', but it rang in my head. In fact, it made me feel excited. As if someone had lit a candle inside me.

But I knew better. I was too old - ten years difference for Merlin's sake! I was poor. And what with my being a werewolf, who knows what dangers would lie ahead? What if I hurt her? What if I scared her away?

And I wasn't stupid. I hadn't forgotten about my past. I hadn't forgotten about Sadie. I fell in love with that woman, and she had stepped all over me. My being a werewolf had caused our breakage. If I get with Nymphadora, what would happen if the same scenario plays out? I like Nymphadora. I liked her for the past year. But I had never admitted it to anyone.

Besides, she deserved someone much better than me. Self consciously, I had laughed. But it so happened that I laughed out loud. And quite bitterly at that.

I looked at her. Her young, soft, beautiful face. Her long wavy almost black hair. The never ending depth of her eyes. Her true form - something I hadn't seen for a long time as she loved transforming herself.

'Of all the great men out there, why me?'

And once again, her answer was an unexpected one.

'I've taken a liking towards you.'

I wish she hadn't. She was always a confidant one, that Nymphadora Tonks. One who speaks her mind freely. One who will always tell you about what was nagging at her. If she had kept her mouth shut, nothing would have happened. We'd still carry on like before, oblivious to our feelings, or else ignoring them. We would still be conversing about everything and about nothing. We would still be talking at that. She wouldn't be torn. I wouldn't have been avoiding her, just to run away from something I have no control over. Nothing would have changed.

I hate change.

Yet, in a way, I'm glad she confessed. I'm not as brave as her. I was never much of a talker. I would never say what was on my mind. I was the shy one, she was the audacious one. But I never would have thought she'd feel that way about me, as I did her. I thought I was being ridiculous for liking her. But now I know she likes me too.

But I'm not the brave one. I'm not the one who faces their issues. I tend to run away. Just like when Snape had told the students at Hogwarts that I'm a werewolf. I had resigned. I was scared.

And the same thing with now. So to avoid her, I did one of the most dumbest things.

I decided to join the werewolves underground, trying to manipulate them to join our side.

I told Dumbledore of my plan of action. He, along with everyone else, took it as an act of bravery. Except her. She took it as an act of panic. And she was right.

The day before I was to join the ranks, she had come up to me. I had tried my best to avoid her the past days, but it proved hard. I'm not a metamorphmagi or an animagus. I was tall. My hair was streaked. I stood out. But I always found excuses to talk to her; I would engage other people in long conversations, be seen looking over parchments of plans from Dumbledore, or be helping Molly out with the cooking.

But she had finally caught up with me. I would have thought she'd give me this long lecture saying how stupid I am.

And I was proven both right and wrong.

'I know what you're doing, Remus. But going underground won't change anything. It won't make what I said disappear. It won't make you any braver. You'd still be rational.'

I had tried to tell her that I was doing it for the good of the Order.

'I know that's a lie. We both know that the majority of the werewolves would go over to the dark side, if they already haven't. I know what you're trying to do. It won't work. Because I know you feel the same way.'

And with that, she turned around and left. She gave me an opportunity to chase after her; she walked slowly out of the room. But I hadn't taken that chance. I let her walk.

It's the right thing to do. I'm helping out the Order. It's not useless. I'm sure others would join. I'm a werewolf, and I've joined.

But deep down inside, I know I'm doing it to avoid her. I know it won't make matters better. I'm trying to make it just like before, before everything changed.

Like I said; I hate change.