*****
7th day, 5th month, standard year 24936
A strange thing happened just now. I was sitting on my bed and staring at the carpet. Then Master suddenly came in, looked at me, said "It was not your fault." and walked away again.
*****
11th day, 5th month, standard year 24936
Tahl left for a mission today, although she told me that she'd much rather have stayed with me. On the way back from seeing her ship take off, I crashed into Vulna.
"Hello," he said. I hadn't talked to him since the day he told us he wanted to be friends...and I couldn't tell if I was pleased to see him or not.
"Hello," I answered.
And we wound up wandering around the Temple. We didn't even talk all that much. Eventually, somehow we wound up in that room of Miro's that has all those computers...and Vulna's eyes lit up.
"Oh yes," he said. "Games!" And sure enough, stacked up in a corner were at least fifteen rather expensive-looking games...maybe Miro had bought them, I didn't know. Vulna reached for the one on top.
"I didn't know this was even out yet!" he said, and put it into the nearest computer. He pressed a few buttons and a ship appeared onscreen. "Shouldn't you ask Miro if you can play that?" I asked, but he paid no attention.
"Hang on a second....if you take out all those guys it goes to two-player mode. Do you want a go?"
"Not really..."
He carried on going. He was extremely good. He had incredibly fast reflexes, and his fingers flew so fast over the keys I could barely see them.
"Have you played this before, then?" I asked.
"No."
Eventually I gave up and joined in. He beat me. Throughly and several times. Funny really...I never thought of Vulna as being particularly good at anything, but he definitely is.
While we were playing, we were actually talking then. About...just stuff. And...Vulna told me that Master Kiloxan was sick, and lightsabre class in a few days would be taught by...Mapru. He didn't sound too happy about it, and I'm even less so.
Vulna suggested pretending to be sick. I might just do that. Mapru must loathe me by now...
*****
15th day, 5th month, standard year 24936
I was right.
*****
I was just going to leave it at that, but I might as well explain. I got to class. Everyone sat down and waited for Mapru. I wished Tahl was there.
Mapru came in.
"Stand!" he said, and we all stood up.
"Get in pairs!"
I glanced at Vulna and moved towards him, but Mapru got there first.
"I'm afraid you'll have to find someone else, Vulna," Mapru hissed at him. "Your dear young friend here is going to be partnered up with me,"
Vulna looked helplessly around, and eventually went to Zacka, who didn't look in the least pleased to see him.
"Now," Mapru commanded. "You will do as you have been doing for the past few weeks under the guidence of Master Kiloxan. Same moves. But this time...you will be better. I've watched you in your classes and I don't think much of you, to be honest. Now -let's go, shall we?" I saw the class looking nervously at each other.
"Go!" he commanded, and he drew his lightsabre. I drew mine and we began the fight. It was obvious he wouldn't be easy to beat.
"Come on, you can do better than that," he tauted as we fought. "Come on now...the whole Order is so proud of you...surely you can beat me."
I put every bit of my enery into beating him, but he blocked my every move. Just when I was getting very much in need of a rest, he called out to the class to stop. I noticed Vulna scowling...Zacka had beat him pretty badly.
"Enough for now," Mapru said. "Sit down. Dicuss with your partner what they did wrong, what you did wrong and what you can do on correct it.
"What if we didn't do anything wrong?" Zacka questioned.
"That is arrogance, Zacka. Work to correct that," he said, and sat down next to me. He didn't say a word, and I didn't either.
Until he looked at me and said:
"You must be proud of yourself."
I knew what he was talking about. "I am not, Master."
"You're not?" he said with wide eyes. "Not proud that you removed fom the Temple one who had tormented you and your friends? Not proud that he paid for his misdoings? Not proud that your hated rival is gone?"
It took me forever to come up with an answer. "Not proud...of how it affected people."
His eyes narrowed. "I see." And just when I thought that that hadn't been as bad as it could have been, he said. "Do you know, most of the Padawans who are expelled...young people, most no older than you and Dilan, lost and entirely alone...they die. Almost all of them die. And the Jedi Order cannot help them. They are forbidden to...forbidden to help those who were once their own."
He turned away and I felt so unbearably guilty. I felt guilt for what I'd done and anger for the Council for throwing him out and pity for Mapru...who looked alone himself. Sitting in a room of talking teenagers and very, very much alone. He'd lost the closest thing he had to a son...and that person was likely to die....and I'd helped do it. I wanted to say how incredibly sorry I was, but I couldn't. I was almost frightening how I just couldn't say sorry. Like my lips had been nailed together...
That lesson was the longest one ever. At the end of it I ran to our quarters and spent hours staring at the carpet waiting for my Master to come back from wherever he'd gone off to. I'm really starting to get sick of that carpet.
He came back eventually and I told him. He sighed and sort of looked away. "He cries," he finally said. "Having a Padawan lost to you is not something many people can take in their stride. And he is letting it destroy him."
I'm not sleeping tonight. I can't. Whenever I
drift off to sleep I hear those words and see him, furious...