53. Guilt's Ghosts
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11th day, 5th month, standard year 24937
It's been at least four weeks. There have been days where everyone seems to be screaming and days where things seem normal. But Amiri is depressed...she hardly talks to anyone. I think she blames me. I don't hold it against her. I've seen Vulna around, but he doesn't say hardly anything...not to me or anyone else. Vione has called Amiri before the Council more than once, sent her to Healers and everything. She also suggested that Amiri should maybe take a leave of absence and spend some time at the Agri-corps, but no more has been said of it. Maybe my Master told them to forget it. Maybe Amiri told them to forget it. I don't know. I feel helpless. And that's not a feeling I like.
Master is not here, he's with Amiri. Tahl isn't here, the Council have organized something called Routine Archive Checks. I have no idea why they choose now to decide this, but they have and today is Tahl's turn. So I'm alone here.
What must I do?
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12th day, 5th month, standard year 24937
Well, moping around won't help me, that I do know. I went to visit Vulna, but he wasn't there.
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13th day, 5th month, standard year 24937
Saw Master Mapru in the star-map room. As soon as I walked in he left.
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Master and I ate our dinner in silnece...we have been doing so for ages. Just before he got up to leave I said. "Do you think this is my fault?"
He paused, and turned around, and sat back down again. He did something he'd never done before...he took my hands in his. "It is not your fault," he said. "Not yours. It's entirely the fault of a certain someone else...and if the Force won't make him suffer for it..."
He let go of my hands and rolled up his sleeves.
"We haven't talked in a while," he said gently. "Have we, Padawan?"
"Well, we've both been busy."
"Busy..." he shook his head. Then he got up and paced around...he does that when he's agitated. "Padawan, I want to ask you a question. Does it ever...concern you that for a Jedi, attachments are forbidden?"
This was something new. And it disturbed me more then it should.
"I don't know, Master. I don't...well, as strange as it sounds, I don't think about it much. I'm attached to a lot of people...and I wouldn't want to leave them, no matter what the Council said. No matter what anyone said."
He nodded. Slowly. "Intelligent lad," he muttered under his breath. Then he looked at me properly. "Intelligent young man. Now, I have people to see...and I imagine you have work of some kind to do."
"Yes, Master."
"I'll be back later."
He exited. I heard the door shut behind him.
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32nd day, 5th month, standard year 24937
I thought Amiri was starting to, to use Mapru's hateful phrase 'get over it'. But she isn't. I've seen her...walking the corridors dressed in white, she looks like a ghost! How could they do this to her? I have no answers. Master has no answers. Vulna isn't saying much to me, or to anyone. Tahl is standing by me, but...well, I think her Master told her to mind her own business. She's clearly disobeying that order, and I'm glad.
...Amiri just came in here. She was acting weird. Her hair was unbrushed, and she looked like she hadn't slept. She walked right up to me and looked at what I was writing. I didn't cover it up.
"Listen," she said. I listened.
"You're like my own child, you really are," she said. "And so is Vulna. In the perfect world that...doesn't exist, you two boys would be brothers. I need you to be brothers, I really do. I want you to find Vulna and be a friend to him. He needs to stay away from Dilan, stay away from darkness. You can help him, I know you can. Will you promise?"
I didn't know what this was about. But the Force was speaking...don't think about it, simply do it. "Yes. I promise."
"Good," she said, and then she kissed me and wandered towards the door.
"I'm going out somewhere...the cafe, maybe." she said without looking back at me. Then she added, with a smile, "Don't worry, I'll get changed first."
Now she's gone.
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