55. Look Harder
4th day, 6th month, standard year 29437
I am never looking into Vulna's eyes again.
He looks terrible.
5th day, 6th month, standard year 29437
I've barely spoken to my Master at all since the night of the 2nd. He hasn't spoken to me either. He's been to the Council and he's screamed at people, but he hasn't screamed at me.
I don't know if it's even crossed his mind that bits of this are my fault.
I went looing for Vulna. Again. I know I ought to just leave him alone, as he clearly doesn't want to talk, but the Force is practically begging me. All the time. Even now. Like it's telling me I could either stop something, or I can't.
Anyway, I went looking. Glass room, nothing. Star room, nothing. Room of a Thousand Fountains, nothing...until I looked harder.
Behind one of the waterfalls, there was a cave. I had to explore pretty throughly before I found it. And I had to go through the water, so I got wet and left a trail of footprints. But it was an interesting place. It was somewhat muddy...my boots got dirty...and there were boxes stacked up at the sides. I went and looked in one. Two old lightsabres. That was it. I didn't have time to explore any more, because I heard people talking. One was Vulna...I know his voice. The other was Zacka.
She usually sounds like...like, well, what she is. A bully. But she sounded quite panicked now.
"He's got it," she said.
I didn't hear anything from Vulna.
"He's got it," I heard Zacka say again. The voices were getting closer. I inched back towards the enterance. "That's all he really needs to..."
They were coming! I slid behind some of the boxes, and listened. But no more voices were coming...although I could see Zacka and Vulna, standing by the waterfall.
Vulna spoke at last. "We have to be careful,"
He went through the water and out of the cave. Zacka stayed there, as if she suspected someone was listening. Then she left, as well. I waited a few minutes, then I went back to my quarters, and changed out of my dirty clothes.
6th day, 6th month, standard year 29437
Yesterday, after all that, I sat with my Master. There were some things I wanted to ask him.
"Master?"
"Yes?"
I took a deep breath. "Why do you hate your own Master so much? I mean...what you were saying...the other night."
He looked at me, a strange expression on his face. "I didn't always," he said. "Not really. I was young and I needed someone. Wanted someone, even if it was just a mad old green troll-like creature. But...things changd as I grew older. Who knows? Maybe he wanted to train me to make up for his failure with Ololian. In fact, he did, that's the answer. And when he realised that I wasn't going to redeem that failure, he just started not caring."
I nodded, although I was turning all this over in my head, trying to analyse it.
"The other explanation is that he thought I was likely to fall to the Dark Side. I don't know why," he added. "He thinks he's the only one who can do anything. He doesn't think people will be able to suceed if they don't listen to him...and I didn't."
I knew that was true. But I had one more question.
"Why do you mostly talk about what you think about him behind his back, not to his face? The first night I heard you...in the Healer's Wing, you were both talking about me and I heard you...you didn't sound too furious with him then. So...was that an act, then?"
There was a very long pause.
"Partly. Perhaps."
And this threw me a bit, because one word I would always use to describe him is 'honest' and honest people don't do that.
"Oh, I don't know, Padawan," he said. "I do respect him...a little...you have to be good to get as much power as he has. I just don't like him. At all. And if you'd been apprenticed to him, I believe you wouldn't either."
I found no real answer to that.
17th day, 6th month, standard year 29437
It's chaos here. Zacka...she wasn't here for a day or so, people were looking for her and things...and now they've found her. And she's dead. Been killed with a lightsabre.
I'm worried. I'm really worried.
Master just came in here.
"I wonder," he said darkly. "how anyone could be so stupid as to not check Dilan hadn't smuggled his lightsabre away!"
"You think he did?" I asked stupidly.
"Only reasonable explanation," he growled.
"Maybe it was stolen..."
"Who knows?"
"I think it's him killing," I whispered. "It has to be. Maybe someone stole his lightsaber for him...maybe the Council weren't that stupid after all? Maybe whoever stole it is even someone outside the Temple..."
But Master, in a bad mood now, just gave a nod and left.
This is my fault. This all goes back to me. It was me who helped to get Dilan expelled. If it hadn't been for that, he would have stayed and maybe changed. But I got him expelled...and now he's killing us for revenge! It's my fault Stayan died, and it's my fault Zacka died! It's me!
The next person he kills had better be me, then.
Okay, I know. I know it's him and not me. I know it's silly for me to think this...when I shared it with my Master a few minutes ago he told me so himself. But I can't get rid of the feeling.
Vulna knows something. He has to know. BUT HE WON'T TELL ME! And I don't know what I ought to do. I feel like I'm in the middle of a huge, huge mess...
I think Mapru was right about me.