65. Isn't Life Supposed To Just Go On?
5th day, 4th month, standard year 24940
I was writing about my parents only a few months ago. Now I have to write about them again. And I don't want to. I've put this off for almost an entire hour. I wrote 'I was' then went away for almost an hour, then came back and wrote the rest.
Anyone who knows me who's reading this -not that anyone is- would be really suprised. They think I'm dealing with all this so well. In fact, they probably think I don't care at all. I do. How could I not care?
My parents are dead. They died just a few days ago in an earthquake, worst one to hit the planet Toci for ages and ages and ages. My brother is still alive. I'm still alive. It's not fair. Everyone is treating me just the same as they always have, and I hate it, but I'd also hate it if they were treating me differently.
I want to think. Meditate. Pray. But I just don't feel like doing anything.
8th day, 4th month, standard year 24940
I recieved a letter from my brother. It was rather short, like he'd writtten it to a stranger. Which I suppose he had. It just said that he was fine, that a funeral had taken place, that he was leaving Toci to become a pilot.
They never let me write to him. I wish I'd known him. I suppose I knew him a little, but...
But my family is here. And yet he's family too. And so were my parents and they're dead, and of course they would have died eventually, but, but...
I've been sitting here with this journal in my lap for over two hours. Master has left to do other things...start an arguement with someone, perhaps.
There wasn't anything I could have done.
11th day, 4th month, standard year 24940
Tahl came round.
"You..you've been missing all your lessons," she said in a nervous voice. "Maybe it's time you..."
"I'd rather just stay here," I said, cutting her off. "Just for a while longer."
"But you're falling behind..." she said. She was standing in the doorway, not sitting down. "Master Mapru said I ought to..."
"Oh, he did, did he? Well, in that case, I HAVE to do it, don't I? And not make a mistake, mention any touchy subjects or even look at the bastard, right?"
"Stop it," she said quietly. "I know you're upset."
"Well done. I am upset."
"Look..." she said. "You've just locked yourself away in your own little world..."
I said nothing.
"You've cut yourself off from everyone, you're making us feel as bad as you do...you think your parents would like you acting like this?"
I jumped up then, and she immediately stepped back, worried, knowing she'd done something wrong.
"Tahl," I screamed. "JUST SHUT UP!"
My words echoed around the room, which had never felt so empty...and then she ran away.
She was supposed to start yelling back. I expected her to. I hate that she didn't. I hate it.
30th day, 5th month, standard year 24940
I'm about to leave on a mission and Tahl didn't say goodbye to me.
32nd day, 5th month, standard year 24940
No-one reads this, do they? Qui-Gon didn't take it with him, and now it's just on the desk looking lonely.
It's me, Tahl. I wouldn't have the patience to write in a diary every day, like my best friend seems to have done. I feel like a complete idiot for saying what I said to him. It was insensitive. And...
...and this really isn't helping.
He's not dead, by the way. He's just been captured. They're working to free him. But nothing has happened yet.
He kissed me once.
33rd day, 5th month, standard year 24940
Qui-Gon's Master was looking at this a few minutes ago. Then he put it down again.
My best friend still hasn't been rescued. All I can do is ope.
If you ever read this, Qui, just for the record: I love you.