Author's note: One-I do NOT own any of these guys, and I CERTAINLY don't own Jhonen. Two-I just got bored one day and decided to make a fic about Jhonen and some of his...battles while he was working on Squee!, namely his "battle with the kitchen ants" and the "black widow spider adventure." If this doesn't make any sense, then GREAT! I'VE DONE ME JOB! These are in the style of Jhonen's Meanwhile comics, so he's going to be fairly messed up. Enjoy, Earthlings.

-Raven

Battle with the Kitchen Ants

Jhonen yawned. It was almost sunrise, and he still had five panels left. There was no way he'd be able to finish them tonight; he could barely keep his eyes open. Even the six cans of Coke he'd consumed weren't fighting off the fatigue. He stretched, then stood. The stereo crackled, and he quickly turned it off. Last time it did that, he had ended up trying to put out a fire and manage a small explosion.

"Hmm...that's odd," mumbled Jhonen to no one in particular. "I seem to be hungry. Wonder if there's anything left in the fridge..."

There was a noise in the far-off kitchen. Jhonen's eyes narrowed. It sounded like millions of tiny soldiers marching into battle. Probably the microwave shorting out. All the same, he quickly retrieved the rather wicked-looking katana in the corner of his study and cautiously approached the place in question.

"GYAH!"

And ran back out again. He was right about one thing, there were millions of tiny somethings in his kitchen. But not soldiers-ANTS.

"What the hell did I leave in there THIS time?" Jhonen dropped the sword, realizing that it would be overkill. "Now where did I put the Raid?"

"Jhonen..."

"What-"

A giant black mass of glistening insects suddenly reared up and surged out of the kitchen, spreading through the hall and coming to a stop directly in front of Jhonen.

"VASQUEZ, YOU HAVE TORMENTED US LONG ENOUGH!" hissed a voice from the very center of the mass.

Jhonen picked up the sword again. Maybe it wouldn't be overkill.

"I warn you, ants, I am a master of the sword!"

"VERY FUNNY. AND WE ARE A MASS OF TINY ANTS. DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A LITTLE OVERKILL?"

"I WARNED YOU!" Jhonen swung the sword with all his strength, and a blue glow lit up the blade as it sliced through the swarm. A few dozen of the insects were cut in half, and the mass fell to the floor.

And reformed. This was going to be difficult.

"NICE TRY, VASQUEZ. GOT ANY MORE IDEAS?"

"Yes." LASER EYES!

Nope. The ants laughed. Jhonen swore under his breath and retreated, flying down the hall and into his study. The door slammed shut of its own accord, and several hundred hammering sounds could be heard as the swarm launched itself at it. It was time for a new plan.

Jhonen looked around his study, searching for something ANYTHING that could help him defeat the ants. Nothing made itself available. Ink, brushes, paint, pens, paper, paint thinner...PAINT THINNER!

Not exactly sure how this would help, he loaded the stuff into a random water pistol that was lying on the ground. Somehow, the water pistol turned into a high-powered, uh, something resembling a bazooka. Ah, the wonders of comics.

"PERFECT!" Jhonen crouched in the shadows, ready for anything.

Except for the million black ants that surged into the room from under the door and between every crack around the frame. The swarm regrouped, rearing up into a shape that was vaguely insectoid.

"PTIIFUL HUMAN. YOU CANNOT DEFEAT THE KITCHEN ANTS! WE WILL DESTROY YOU AND FEED UPON YOUR DISTURBINGLY JUICY FLESH!"

"YOU SHALL NEVER FEED ON MY FLESH! Wow, that sounded wrong...Anyway, er, GYAH!"

Jhonen fired the paint thinner, smiling to himself as it coated the swarm and a large area of the walls and floor near it. The bugs were as good as dead.

"Okay, this is just stupid." The bugs were regenerating, and they seemed to be...mutating.

"BWAHAHA! YOU WILL NOT WIN, VASQUEZ! THE DEVIL REWARDS HIS SERVANTS WELL!"

"Wait a minute...You're from Senor Diablo? Is he pissed at me or something? I thought we had an agreement about mutated monsters..." Jhonen put down the bazooka. "You know what? I'm getting bored. Let's finish this so I can get something to eat."

(Insert really bad mortal combat sequence here.)

Jhonen grinned. The last ant was dead, and all that was left was the queen. He looked at the grotesquely bloated insect and crushed it beneath his boot.

"Disgusting. Well, I'm glad that's over. Thanks for the help, Diablo. I never would have gotten them that fast by myself."

"Yeah, yeah, just hand over the souls. We agreed on ten, remember?" Senor Diablo rolled his eyes and looked at his watch. "My wife will be expecting me home for dinner soon, so hurry up."

"Fine, fine, here you go." The artist handed Diablo a paper bag with the words "ten human souls" scrawled on it in Sharpie.

"Oh, damn, I forgot to pick up Pepito from skool! You coming Saturday?"

"Of course. I never miss an opportunity to hone my sharp-shooting skills."

"So it's agreed. Saturday at seven, we go to the mall and do a little harvesting. Nny's coming too, I suppose?"

"Yeah, he said he'd be there. Just go already. I'm hungry."

Diablo rolled his eyes again and snapped his fingers. A cherry ice sucky appeared in Jhonen's hand.

"Hey, thanks!"

"Go away."

Diablo disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Jhonen waited, shrugged, and went back to drawing. He didn't feel much like eating anymore, and besides, those bug guts weren't going to clean themselves up.

The Black Widow Spider Adventure

Jhonen glanced at the clock. Seven am already? It only felt like midnight. But the clock must have been right, since the amount of light coming in through the window was too much for it to still be considered night.

"How long have I been sitting here?" he wondered aloud, stretching and wincing at the cracks coming from his too-long stationary joints.

He didn't hear an answer, so he sighed and stood. More cracks. He really had to get out more. Jhonen stumbled into the hall and passed by the kitchen with only a glance at its darkened contents. There was nothing to eat-nothing that hadn't expired, anyway. Jhonen wasn't much one for shopping. Too many people.

Near the front door, Jhonen hit something solid. He cursed, stumbled back, and blinked, wondering if his vision was really that bad. Really, he had glasses, but running into walls was just ridiculous.

"Oh..." Not bothering to complete the expletive, Jhonen let his voice trail off as he stared at the thing covering the entryway.

Spider web. That much was apparent. But it was insane, a thing of monstrous proportions. The silken webbing had to be at least two feet thick, nearly solid. Jhonen had read somewhere that spider silk was something like ten times stronger than steel, and seeing that, he had no trouble believing it.

"Hello, Jhonen."

"Gyah!"

Jhonen whirled around to be faced with a HUGE spider. A red hourglass was plainly visible on its inky abdomen, and the thing's head was nearly the size of Jhonen's. Yeah, it was a big spider.

"GAH! BLACK WIDOW SPIDER! DIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jhonen tried to swing a random umbrella at the spider, but the arachnid caught it and smiled-if it's possible for spiders to smile.

"Nice try, little man. But an umbrella? What demented artist uses an umbrella to kill a spider?"

"Um...I don't know. It was just there..." Jhonen let go of the umbrella and stared thoughtfully at the spider. "Heyyyy...You're a black widow spider, aren't you? I thought you weren't supposed to be this big."

"Well, you aren't supposed to be a little freak with glasses. And?"

"Hey, calm down...I didn't mean to get you pissed off. You are poisonous, right?" He slowly backed up.

"Well, yes, I'm a black widow, and yes, I'm poisonous. Very poisonous. So you'd better watch it, you little Mexican freak."

"Eh, well, I would leave you alone, but I kind of need to go out. How long have you been here, anyway?"

"Oh, I don't know. A few months, I suppose. It's so hard to tell time here. You don't even have a calendar. How do you live like this?"

"Damn, I need to get out more. And it's not that bad. At least there aren't any severed human limbs lying around...uh, don't go into the hall closet, by the way."

"Yes, well, just jump out a window or something. It took a long time to make this web, and I need to make sure my eggs are safely hatched."

"Oh, God, not eggs..."

Jhonen let several scenarios run through his head. No, killing the thing wouldn't solve the problem of the hundreds of baby spiders that would be hatching soon. Besides, how would he kill the spider? And he couldn't get the web out of the way without killing the spider...Damn. I knew I shouldn't have put cement over the back door...

"Okay, so you plan on staying here for how long, exactly?"

"As long as I damn well please, dear. Now are you going to leave, or do I have to kill you?"

Jhonen got a wild look on his face and backed up more before turning and running back to his study. There he picked up the phone. No dial tone.

"Okay, did I forget to pay my phone bill again, or did that bitch cut the line?" He tore the phone out of the wall, cursing again as he noticed the small amount of wall that still clung to the cord.

The spider appeared in the doorway. "Lovely. What exactly did that accomplish, now? And what were you going to do, anyway? Call the exterminator? Who would even believe you?"

"Leave me alone. I left you alone, so...go...now. I want to draw, or...something." Apparently Jhonen wasn't going to go anywhere any time soon.

"You're no fun. I should eat you for that. I could, you know."

"O...kay..."

"Oh well. I'm going to be in the living room watching television. If you need anything, just holler."

"What?" Utter confusion.

The spider just left, either not hearing him or choosing to ignore him. Jhonen shrugged, sat down, and started drawing.

Two months later, a small cluster of black widows scuttled into Jhonen's study. They giggled, swarmed over some old sketches, and slowly approached the tired comic artist.

"Uncle Jhonen, watcha doin?" squeaked one, jumping onto his head. "Whee! Your hair is funny!"

"Go away, Mimi. I'm drawing."

"Aw...Jhonen's sad!" Mimi turned to her siblings. "We should sing him a song!"

They started singing Christmas carols, which greatly annoyed Jhonen. He brushed the little arachnid out of his hair and resumed drawing.

"Aw, Jhonen, it's Christmas! Don't be so angry! Tis the season of JOY AND PEACE AND LOVE!" Mimi's youngest sister, Zita, giggled and wrapped her two front legs around herself.

"Mom ate a bible salesman today." Mimi laughed hysterically. "It was funny when he screamed."

"SHUT THE HELL UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Whah! I'M TELLING MOM!"

The cluster of spiders scuttled out the door, their softball-sized bodies crashing into one another in their haste.

Soon the voice of Mother Widow came screeching down the hall, grating on Jhonen's ears.

"JHONEN! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT SCARING THE GIRLS! DON'T MAKE ME COME IN THERE, HUMAN!"

Jhonen sighed and looked out around at the spider web-draped room. He was never going to get used to this.

So, er, yep...That was the, uh, strange adventures of Jhonen, the comic-drawing weirdo. Or something. Anyway, my apologies for the intense crappiness of it all. Please review and help me be not so bad at writing these things. And PLEASE DON'T YELL AT ME FOR MY INTENSELY BAD JOB AT PORTRAYING THE LORD OF ALL HUMANS. I know it sucked, okay? Er, well, happy holidays and pleasant something, people.

-Raven