Wedding

Jhonen was having trouble with mail carriers. The state had stopped sending them after the spider ate the first six. Now he had to send Mimi to the post office every day. Lucky thing it was only a mile away, but one mile can be hell for a giant spider to travel unmolested. Then again, who would actually WANT to molest a giant spider was beyond him.

"Jhonen! Mail's here!"

"Great. How many bills?"

"I dunno. I can't read."

Jhonen sighed. Mimi had been doing that a lot lately. He made a flying leap for the mail-and missed. Mimi giggled and skittered away across the ceiling. Jhonen thought about pursuing her, but decided that he'd sustained enough injury for the day.

"Mimi, give the mail to Jhonen." Mother Widow was poised in the hall as usual, mending her web. "Mimi..."

"Yes, Mom..." grumbled Mimi, dropping the envelopes on Jhonen's head. "Stupid human always ruining my fun..."

"Screw you." Jhonen picked up the mail and glanced at the labels. "Electric bill. Cable bill, internet, academy awards, bank statement, Nobel Peace Prize, SLG, paycheck-wonder how I got that? I don't even work there anymore...notice of foreclosure-that one's for Roman. How the hell did that-oh. Let's see...what the hell is this? You have been invited to the wedding of..."

Ten minutes later, Mimi wandered back into the room. "Uh, Jhonen? Jhonen? Are you okay?"

No answer. He was just staring at the little piece of paper in his hand. Mimi poked him, but nothing happened.

"Hey, what's that? Ooh, a wedding. Hey, Jhonen, I didn't know you had a sister."

"Neither did I..."

"Woot! Wedding! Mom, Jhonen's sister is getting married!"

"What?"

"Jhonen's sister is getting married!"

"I didn't know he had-"

"Neither did he, apparently."

"Oh. How lovely. I remember when your father and I got married, Mimi...such fond memories we shared...until I killed him and used his body for nutrients, of course." Mother Widow smiled and wandered off.

"So, Jhonen, whatcha gonna wear?"

"Why am I wearing a suit again?"

"That's what male humans generally wear to formal occasions."

"And why is it not black?"

"Because gray looks better on you."

"This is really weird."

"You should get going. It wouldn't do for you to be late."

"Screw you."

The phone rang. Mimi picked it up and hissed something into the receiver.

"Hello. This is Hell. How may I help you, doom-ed human?"

"The hell?" The voice on the other end sounded scared. "Who is this? I want to talk to Jhonen!"

"Mimi, give me the phone!" Jhonen attempted to retrieve the phone, but unfortunately, Mimi had once again taken to the ceiling.

"I'm sorry, but Jhonen is currently being eaten alive by black widow spiders. May I take a message?"

"What's going on? I can hear him yelling in the background! Just let me talk to him! Who are you?"

"I'm Mimi, your friendly Netherworld tour guide."

Finally, Jhonen dove for the phone and, for the first time in over a year, actually succeeded in retrieving it from the mad spider.

"Hel-"

And Mimi landed on him.

"Jhonen? Jhonen? Are you okay?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm-"

Mimi's leg made contact with his head.

"My god...What the hell is going on?"

Jhonen dove beneath a table. "Sorry about that; just some trouble with a sp-I mean, a friend's kid. Who is this?"

"This is your sister. You know, the one who's getting married tomorrow?"

"What?"

"Jhonen...have you been drinking?"

"No, of course not." He quickly threw the half-empty bottle of sake away. "So, uh, yeah. How's your spleen?"

"Fine, I guess. You never told me that you'd be coming. Are you?"

"Oh, yeah, well, the mail's been pissing me off lately and...yeah, I'm coming."

"What's that noise in the background?"

"Um, Mimi's being an ass again. She's throwing a tantrum. And a table. And what appears to be a section of the wall."

"Is Mimi your girlf-"

"No. No, she's not."

"Well, the best of luck to you. See you tomorrow."

"Okay...bye."

"Bye!"

click-

"That went well," remarked Mimi, grinning evilly.

"Just shut up."

"Not going to the rehearsal dinner, then?"

"No. No, I'm not."

"Okay. I'm gonna go make Ramen. That okay with you?"

No answer. Jhonen was too busy wondering how it was that he hadn't killed that little bitch of a spider yet. Probably because she could easily swallow him whole.

The next day, Mother Widow had a new layer of web over the front hall. It provided just enough irritation for Jhonen to break a window and make a NEW front door. He must have looked strange wearing a black trench coat over a gray suit, but it was weird enough to wear something so formal. He had to at least bring the trench coat. There was the issue of his hair, but red looked perfectly fine as far as he was concerned.

Of course, Jhonen was by no means exempt from stares of shock and disdain from the other guests once he finally got to the church. His plan was to stay toward the back, but unfortunately one of his more distant relatives spotted him and forced him to sit in the third row of pews, right next to-

"The hell are YOU doing here?"

Roman looked up, mildly surprised. "I dunno, man. I was just sketching in a tree and this huge spider...whatever. I was probably drunk or high or something. So your sister's getting married, huh?"

"I guess so. And did that spider happen to be wearing a chain around its neck...thing?"

"Uh, yeah, why?"

"Mimi."

"Huh?"

"Nothing."

"Hey, Jhonen, you might want to ditch the coat."

"What? Oh, yeah. Uh..." He shoved the trench coat under the wooden bench and stood for the beginning of the ceremony.

The reception was rather boring. Somewhere around a hundred people milling around making forced small talk was nothing spectacular. Roman took off the second the ceremony was done, making some excuse about finishing a comic, but it was no secret that he was hated by most of Jhonen's immediate family...not to mention the distant family members...

Jhonen sat at a table in the corner, alone except for his sketchbook, several empty glasses of wine, and a dozen or so sheets of crumpled paper. A shifty-eyed look at the crowd, and he slowly reached for the trench coat under his chair.

"Jhonen!" His cousin glared at him. "Bad!"

"Damn..." muttered Jhonen, resuming sketching.

"Don't you ever stop drawing?" the same cousin asked, a disgusted look twisting her face into a mask of EVIL.

"I can't draw in my sleep."

The goblin snatched his sketchbook, rifling through the many drawings contained within. Her expression went from annoyed to shocked to terrified to horrified as the images steadily became more twisted.

"What the hell..." she trailed off, completely at a loss for words.

"Oh, that's Nny. Uh, he was a character in my earlier work. I go back to him every now and then."

"My God..."

Jhonen retrieved the sketchbook and resumed sketching, completely ignoring his cousin, even when she fell to the ground in a dead faint. He was too busy drawing her with a spork through her skull.

"Jhonen!" A rather tipsy-looking man stumbled into a chair next to the cartoonist, throwing an arm around his shoulder. "How ya doin, man?"

"Who are you and why have you invaded my personal space bubble?"

"I'm yer cuzzin, Jhonen. Doncha member?"

"No. No I do not. Please remove your appendages from my shoulder and leave."

"Hey, man, I think yuh bin drinkin a little too much, yuh no? I'm gunna hafta cut yoo off..." And he proceeded to slowly slide off of the chair.

"Screw this." Jhonen gathered his things and slipped out a side door.

He reappeared five minutes later in normal clothes. Sadly enough, the number of stares he received didn't increase very drastically. The trench coat finally resumed its place over the black shirt and cargo-esque pants he'd been wearing the night before. The spiked collar might have been a bit much, but that didn't mean the cousin who had just recovered from her fainting spell should have screamed and fainted again.

Actually, THAT was kind of funny.

"Hey, Jhonen!" A rather elderly-looking man beckoned the cartoonist over, seemingly oblivious to his appearance. "Come on and meet the in-laws!"

Hesitantly, Jhonen obeyed. He wasn't quite sure who this man was, let alone the other two people with him, but if he had recognized Jhonen...The man abruptly pulled him closer, rudely cutting his personal space bubble in half. A reflexive punch made the man let go of him, but he still couldn't get away.

"Little skittish, eh? This is my son, Jhonen. Jhonen, these are the parents of the groom, Mary and David."

"Er, hello, dear..." Mary, a small gray haired woman, took an involuntary step backward. "How are you?"

"...Very uncomfortable. You?"

"I'm fine, thank you. Dave, say hello to the young man."

"Uh, hello, there, boy. You're a tense man, aren't you? I'm Dave. Nice to meet you."

Dave stuck out his hand, and nothing happened. Jhonen just stared at him blankly, madly trying to keep from screaming and bolting. Eventually Dave retracted his hand and smiled, not really sure how to react.

"Hmm. Not really into formality. Okay, then. So..."

"How do you feel about your sister getting married, Jhonen?" asked Mary, trying to force small talk. "Wasn't she just radiant at the ceremony?"

No answer. Mary got the same blank stare, but this time Jhonen was trying not to snap and scream "I HAD NO FCKING IDEA THAT I HAD A SISTER!" As far as he could tell, it was working. Instead of saying anything else, he opened his sketchbook and started drawing.

"Oh...Er, shall we go talk to his brother?" Mary and the others hurried off, anxious to get away from the antisocial freak.

Jhonen looked up awhile later. He put the finishing touches on a sketch of Mary with fangs and scales, but found the small group gone. A sigh of relief, and he pulled out a lighter.

"Time to make this a little more exciting..."

The next night, Jhonen was roaming the streets when he noticed a newspaper lying abandoned on a bench. the story on the front page was rather sinister, telling of a horrible fire at a wedding reception. No one had died, but the blaze, most likely the result of arson, had caused huge amounts of damage.

Jhonen lit the newspaper on fire and dropped it into a trash can. As the flames spread to a nearby building, he congratulated himself on a job well done.

Author's note: hee hee. Jhonen as a pyro would be funny. That fic stemmed from a conversation me and me friend had on what Jhonen would look like in a tux. Goddess, we had a lot of fun with that one. Anyway, hope you liked it and please review if you did.

Raven, Your Friendly Neptunian Pyro