Author's note: Neither this chap or the one before it started out how I planned, and this one went in a really weird direction that I never thought ANYTHING could go, let alone a fanfic. Anyway, um...yeah. Enjoy, and do try to figure out what the hell happened to this thing, never mind what's going on IN the fic. Eh, read and enjoy, and if you like, do check out me other fics, will you? Sorry for the shameless plug, but I enjoy your comments, and I love sharing the insanity in my mind with others. If you followed that, congrats, cuz I have no fsking idea what I just said. Whatever. Read and enjoy...or something.

Raven, your Friendly Neptunian Insomniac

Road Trip

"Remind me-WHY exactly are we on a bus to New York?"

"You need to get out more."

"Screw that; there's HUMANS here."

"Just shut up and look at the scenery."

Greyhound buses really aren't that nice. This one had those ugly, uncomfortable plastic seats that just drive you insane to sit in for more than a few minutes. Admittedly, the back seats were nicer, being in a fairly long line, but they were near the bathroom, so everyone had to pass them. Jhonen had claimed the entire row of seats and was currently sprawled out and staring at the people directly ahead of him. Amusingly enough, the first two rows in front of him were empty-save for Roman, but Roman didn't really count.

"Jhonen, stop scaring the humans."

Rolling his eyes, Jhonen put away his knife. It was no fun traveling with such a hardass. Usually Roman would have joined in on the game, but lately his wife had really cracked down on him. He'd been almost completely rewired, furthering everyone's suspicions that the woman had really killed Roman and built a replacement android years ago.

"Got anything to eat?"

Roman looked annoyed. "No. I thought you had food."

"You were supposed to get food."

"Oh, come ON."

"You mean we have no food?"

"Guess so"

"Dammit."

Several old women glanced over at Jhonen and moved closer to the front of the bus. The cartoonist thought about sketching them, but a glance at Roman made it clear he was already way ahead of him. So instead Jhonen entertained himself by making threatening gestures at the cars passing the bus. After the second head-on collision, though, he stopped flipping them off. It was no fun if he got arrested.

"So, working on any new stuff lately?"

Ah, small talk. Roman tried so hard. Really the whole effort made him look pathetic, but at least they could pass time.

""Not really. Just small projects. Still trying to decide if I want to torture the fans for a little longer before continuing JTHM. You?"

"One word: Lenore. Any more fans send you dead squirrels?"

"No. I'm not entirely sure if that's a good or a bad thing."

"I'd say good, but you never know. It could be funny. You know, you're a pretty hard cat to track down. I thought you moved."

"I'm not a cat...I think...And no, I didn't move. I just never leave the house. except to get food. But they deliver food to you, so sometimes I don't even have to leave for that."

"I got attacked by a fan last week. It was weird. She just sort of tackled me. I'm not really sure what that was all about, but I ended up needing to change my phone number." Roman glanced over at a seat a few rows up. "Uh, Jhonen, am I high or something?"

"How the hell would I know?"

"Well, I seem to be seeing a small group of giant spiders on the bus."

"Oh, that's Mimi and her family. Well not all of them; some of them moved out already. Her mother moved in a few years ago, maybe more. I don't have a calendar, so I can't remember when it was, exactly."

"Oh. Okay, then. Nothing strange there." Roman went back to drawing, leaving Jhonen to his thoughts.

I wonder if I can kill the driver and hijack the bus? It'd be fun...No, wait, there's laws against that. Damn. Oh well. Maybe I'll just scare those old ladies or something. Maybe I'll get lucky and one of them will get a heart attack...

"Hello, young man."

An old woman with that weird old-lady-blue hair sat down next to Jhonen and smiled.

"What is your name, dear?"

"Who...the hell...are you?" Those five words seemed very hard to choke out suddenly. Roman glanced at the old woman, then went back to drawing. Not his problem.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I should have introduced myself. I'm Laura. It's nice to meet you...what did you say your name was, dear?"

"...My name is Jhonen." Don't kill her don't kill her don't kill her don't stab her in the eye don't stab-

"Oh, what a creative name! Did you make it up yourself?"

"...No. No, I didn't." Okay, kill her.

"Well, Jhonen, my friends and I have been noticing that you seem awfully down in the dumps. We thought we might be able to help you out a bit."

Jhonen thought that this was not an appropriate time to point out that he was sitting near the bathroom. Instead, he contented himself with a suspicious glare and with moving a little away from Laura. She didn't seem to mind at all; in fact, it seemed as though his behavior just made her more determined to assist him.

"We thought that you might be needing a little money to get you started. After all, it's very hard to be homeless. Poor dear. You go get a place to live in, alright?"

Laura handed a speechless Jhonen a neatly folded wad of bills and went back to her seat. Roman cracked up, and Jhonen was too flabbergasted to tell him to go to hell.

"That is GOOD." Roman finally got enough breath back to talk. "God, they thought you were a homeless guy. Come to think of it, you DO have that look about you. Your insomnia back or something?"

"Did it ever leave?" What a stupid thing to say. "I really should just kill you, you know. What the hell was up with them, anyway?"

Jhonen stared at the money in his hand. He was suddenly reminded of his old paycheck. Too bad he'd gotten fired from that one...Assaulting clients and threatening to carve out their insides with a spork was against the rules, unfortunately...

He abruptly snapped out of his reverie when the sound of laughter reached his ears. The old women were congratulating Laura, going on about how brave she had been, talking to the scary homeless man. A swift contemplation of setting Mimi on them was dismissed, and Jhonen went back to staring at people.

A small child took one look at him and started screaming and crying. The annoyed mother had to take the child to the front of the bus. She gave him a dirty look before hurrying off. Stupid kids and their irritating parents...

"Hey, Jhonen, look. Vegas. We're stopping there for the night. Up for gambling?"

"No. I'm going to do something else."

The homeless family on the street seemed very happy with the several thousand dollars. Jhonen paused only to hand over the rest of what he had in his wallet-and what had been in Roman's-to the youngest child, a ragged-looking little girl. Then amidst the thanks and praise, he headed back to the hotel.

Hey-at least the old biddies' money would go to a good cause.

"Where were you, man?" asked Roman from his place in the corner, where he was bent over his sketchbook. "You go to a brothel or what?"

"No. But the homeless family down the road really appreciate our cash."

"Yeah, right-wait. OUR cash?"

"Affirmative. Pick-pocketing is fun and easy."

"You are evil."

"Yes. yes, I am."

"Uh, Jhonen?"

"What?"

Roman pointed to the ceiling. "Can we do anything about your friends?"

Mimi stuck out her tongue, and Zita dropped a ball of webbing on Roman's head. Mother Widow was too busy making a web to scold them, and already the other spiders were taking orders from their two older sisters.

"Sorry. They can kill you, you know, so don't piss them off."

"Mommy, I'm hungry. Can I eat Uncle Jhonen?" whined a spider the size of a coffeepot.

"No, Tenn. Uncle Jhonen is paying the bills. If we eat him, we'll have to go live outside. Do you want to live outside?"

"No..."

"Good. Then no more talk of eating the human."

"Yes, Mama...Can I eat the poodle outside?"

"Just bring back some for your little sisters."

"Yes, Mama." Tenn scurried off past a slightly disturbed Roman.

"That...was not right," he declared, closing the sketchbook and opening the window. "I'm going out. I'll be back later. Hopefully. Please don't let those spider-things kill anyone. i don't want to have to flee the state again."

Roman dove headfirst out the window, fell three stories, and ran.

"Oh, yeah, that's right...The police here have a warrant for your arrest..." Jhonen glanced at the phone, then thought better of it.

"Uncle Jhonen, Tenn just ate a tourist..." Mimi poked Jhonen repeatedly. "Mama's busy, so she can't go yell at Tenn. Could you yell at her?"

"I guess so..." Jhonen stuck his head out the window.

"Tenn, you idiot, don't eat the tourists! Get back in here!"

Tenn scurried back through the window, leaving a half-bound tourist squirming on the sidewalk. Mimi slapped her sister upside the head in reprimand for her stupidity, and peace was restored to the hotel room. Sort of.

"Ooh, look, I can play games on this thing!"

"Hey! A coffee maker!"

"What's 'espresso?'"

"Whoo! It's good!"

Jhonen surveyed the chaos, shrugged, and locked himself in the closet with a sketchbook.

They had to flee the state. Roman apparently got himself into some trouble at a casino. Something about public drunkenness and assaulting a casino mascot with a video poker machine. Not to mention that deck of cards...Jhonen couldn't get anything else out of him, but at any rate, they caught the bus at the border. Those people wouldn't have wanted their car back, anyway...

"Jhonen? Why the hell are those spiders still hanging around?"

"They like to follow me."

"Damn. Do they ever scare people off?"

"Hey!" Mimi pouted, showing off her fangs. "I'm right here, you know."

"Well, have you?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact. The post office stopped sending mail carriers a long time ago. Too bad, cuz they tasted good."

"Excuse me, sir, but you'll have to move so that the other riders can board the vehicle." The driver, a rather sinister-looking woman, leered unpleasantly at the two cartoonists, prompting a swift dash to the back of the bus.

"I hear you two got into some trouble with the law," Laura quipped brightly as Jhonen passed by. "I hope it wasn't anything terribly serious."

"Well, thanks to Roman, we had to get out of the state. I never thought I'd get to try out hitchhiking."

"Oh, well that sounds very exciting. Did you have fun?" The lady was completely oblivious.

"Yes. Yes, we did. Happy now?"

Laura looked confused, then nodded eagerly. Those kinds of people were the ones who made Jhonen hate humans. He briefly thought about killing her, then decided against it. He didn't need any more of a police record...

"I wanna window seat!" Zita was already complaining. "Uncle Jhonen, Mama won't let me have a window seat!"

"Oh, is that your niece?" queried Laura, a warm smile adorning the mass of wrinkles that passed for a face. "She is the most adorable little thing I have ever seen!"

"You, human, scare me," muttered Jhonen while he nodded, mystified at her insanely cheery reaction.

"Oh, you really think I'm that cute?" cooed Zita, running a claw over her head. "I still want a window seat, though."

"Oh, poor dear. Go ahead and sit by me. I don't mind sharing a row."

Jhonen was speechless.

"Thanks!" Zita jumped into the seat and immediately began to stare out the window at the trees going by.

"Hey, Morla, wanna go throw webbing at cars?"

"Morla, Flan, what did Mother tell you about doing that?" Zita glared at the smaller spiders, filling in for Mother as Mother was busy with her younger children.

"Who cares? You're not Mom!"

"Mom's busy, so I AM Mom now.

"Zita, just shut up and let the kids have fun." Jhonen glanced up from his sketchbook. "How many of you ARE there, anyway?"

"Well, we ate most of the guys already, so only about fifty. Some of us left the house to go seek their fortune as Hollywood movie monsters."

No reply. By this time, the bus had started moving again, and they had passed into Utah. The Mormons had yet to start bombarding the vehicle, but everyone was on edge.

(note: this is not an attempt at religious prejudice. i have several mormon friends, and theyre great. but one of them told me about being in utah and having all these mormons coming up to their car and trying to get them to join their church. just lighten up and try to enjoy the fic, okay? -raven)

Suddenly, the bus stopped. No sound at all. The engine had died. The driver kept trying to start the bus, but nothing happened. Then someone had the bright idea to look out the window.

A crowd of people surrounded the bus. One of them was holding a blackened pair of scissors. That had been the one to kill the engine. Passengers exchanged terrified looks and pulled out cans of mace and hairspray. Roman and Jhonen simultaneously drew knives from their pockets, and Roman added a handgun.

"What the hell is that for? Jhonen snapped indignantly.

"Protection. What ELSE would I use a gun for?"

Jhonen grabbed the gun and handed it to Mimi. "Here. Destroy it, then eat it."

"Aye aye, Uncle Jhonen!" Mimi crushed the weapon in one claw and swallowed it whole.

"Hey, man, that was my gun..."

"You are correct. That WAS your gun."

"Mimi, watch out!"

A huge book flew through the closed window, hitting Mimi in the head. She growled and dove through the broken glass, landing in a crouch on top of the guilty human. A scream, and it was all over.

"Join us!" screamed the throng of people, swarming over the bus and crawling in through every opening they could find.

"Quickly! Everyone, evacuate the bus!" The driver was taken over by a crowd of creatures who heaved pamphlets and books at her with alarming ferocity.

People streamed out of the bus, running and screaming and getting brought down by the crazed fanatics. Roman and Jhonen calmly took their things and left the vehicle, determined not to let a bunch of crazy things piss them off.

The spiders, on the other hand, were frozen. "Oh, my God, what the hell are we supposed to do?" shrieked Mimi, grasping one of her sisters by the leg.

"Get away from me!" Tenn squirmed away and retreated into a corner.

"Spiders! ATTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!" cried Jhonen, gleefully anticipating a bloodbath.

Mimi and her siblings streamed out of the bus, giggling and chattering to themselves. Mother Widow sighed and followed, carving her way through the crowd to where the cartoonists stood. She looked annoyed.

"Jhonen, why are you sending my children into battle?" she asked tersely.

"Well what ELSE are we supposed to do?"

"He's got a point, ya know," Roman pointed out.

"This doesn't concern you, human." Mother Widow glared at Roman, then turned back to the subject at hand. "Now, I swear, if any of my little girls die, you are in for a pain so great, the likes of which have never been seen, that you will pray for death by FIRE!"

"Yeah, sure, whatever." Jhonen was too busy watching the chaos. "Hey, I didn't know Zita could do that with her claws."

"Mimi's got the whole head-explodie thing going. Violent little things." Roman grinned. "Any chance one of them want to do some guard work? We could use something like that at our place. My wife hates the fangirls that inexplicably find their way there..."

"Don't even THINK about it, human!"

Suddenly, a small black widow scurried over, coming to a stop on Roman's head. "Ooh, Mom, can me and Spooky go?"

"Moose, you know how I feel about letting you kids go off on your own..."

"Aw, come on! I'm almost two years old! Please?"

"Well, alright. But if you encounter any problems, go to your sister Tak in San Diego, got it?"

"Thanks, Mom!" Moose hugged her mother and hurried off to tell her sister the good news.

"Hey, looks like they got the last one." Jhonen was vaguely disappointed. "There wasn't even a decent battle between evil and...the slightly less evil. Oh well. At least those guys won't be pissing us off again..."

"Whoo! I had FUN! Can we do that again?" Mimi tumbled to the ground, laughing her head off. (And coughing up several heads in the process.)

"Let's just get back on the bus, okay?"

A small silence, then everyone shrugged and boarded the bus. Mimi figured out how to drive the vehicle, and they were back on the road to New York.

"Huh. That was weird," Roman rearked, settling into a row of seats.

"That was nothing. Wait until we get to Wisconsin. Then it'll be people with...cheese." Jhonen shuddered.

The feeling was mutual.

Author's note: my apologies to anyone who was offended by this. it was all in good fun, i swear. and sorry for the extreme OOC that everything was going through. i think i was really hyped on sugar when i wrote this, and i didnt have the best judgment. anyway, i find it amusing. have fun, kiddos, and please do drop a review and PLEASE INCLUDE IDEAS FOR MORE JHONEN FICS IF YOU WISH TO SEE MORE. This one came courtesy of me friend tsuki, who suggested a road trip. i think. well, something like that. it was really late at night, so i cant be completely sure...heh, whatever. hope you liked me latest attempt at channeling me insanity.

-raven, your friendly neptunian tour guide