Authors Note: This is stream of Conscious. It is Nagi reflecting on his group and Brad and Schuldigs relationship in general. I am not sure how well it flows, it kind of goes there and back and there and back again and then somewhere else. But that is how thoughts work. So enjoy!
(Forgot to add). The guys, not mine!
I never thought of this as his group, it always seemed like their group. I think we all see it that way. There is just this unspoken agreement between us that Crawford will take the title and responsibility. Of course, Esset would never give Schuldig his own group, he is far too rebellious, to scattered, to untrusted, to lead. Even if we wanted he could never take official charge of the group.
But then, Schuldig has no will to lead. And why should he? He has all the power without the responsibility and stress that should accompany leading such a group. Though, truth be told, I don't think he could handle the responsibility if it were given to him.
He is too used to acting on impulse, which allows no time to snap orders at others. He also lacks the confidence Crawford has. I see the anger in his eyes when Crawford leaves for weeks on 'business.' It is not regular anger, it is one fueled by self doubt. I see the same anger when Farfarello and I look at him for an order or command if we are separated from Crawford on a mission. No one really states that all responsibly falls on Schuldig in Crawford's absence, it is just a known fact. A fact that brings much inner conflict to the German.
No, Schuldig is no leader. And he knows it. Though, I would not call him a follower either. He is not like Farfarello and me, he never really submits to Crawford. He simply goes along with this little game, which is what he makes this all seem like, nothing but a game; But it works out fine in the end. It still appears as though Crawford somehow gained control of the temperamental German when no one else could, and that makes people admire Crawford, that makes the Elders give him more trust then he originally should have. Maybe that is why Schuldig plays this game, knowing he somehow helps build Crawford's reputation and Crawford knows this. Schuldig allows Crawford to be Crawford.
In turn, Crawford allows Schuldig to be Schuldig. He is his own master in a world that should, in theory, make him a slave. I often find myself envious of him for that. He is probably the most free of us all, and that has everything to do with Crawford and what he allows, and Schuldig knows this.
That is what makes them work so well together. They both rely on the other for something and acknowledge the fact that they need one another. It helps build the balance that guides their relationship and our group. They each posses certain characteristics that the other lacks. Crawford is analytical, logical, and disciplined. He keeps us in control and the operation running. Schuldig, on the other hand, is carefree and emotional. He is the one that makes sure Crawford remembers we are humans and a team. I guess, in a way, Crawford is the 'father' of our family and Schuldig is the 'mother.' Crawford makes sure what needs to be done gets done and Schuldig nurtures. They each make up for the others weakness.
I first saw that when I was brought to the group. My memory of that time is somewhat sketchy but I remember the overbearing fear that took over me when Crawford took me in his arms for the first time. I should have been happy that I was finally being accepted by someone but he looked so cold I would have rather stayed on the streets, alone.
He told me my life was going to change and I need not fear a thing anymore. All I could think of was, how. How was this man going to take away my fears when he caused me so much fear in the first place.
It took meeting Schuldig to understand. Even then, before Schuldig had entered adulthood the two had their balance. That was the power of their bond. They just clicked, faults and all, they clicked.
Crawford opened the door to the hotel he and Schuldig were staying in and practically had to shove me inside. The first thing I saw was a teenage Schuldig sleeping on the bed, a rather large pillow covering his face. I guess our presence in the room him woke him since he moved a foot in what I took as a greeting.
"Take your medication?" Crawford asked, walking to the night stand to see if the cup he must have placed there was empty. He never trusted Schuldig when it came to the telepath's health, things have not changed much.
A grunt came from the pillow man which was supposed to suffice as an answer.
"It should start working soon, if not, we will up the amount. You lived too long without the proper protection from your gift to make treating you easy." His voice held no sympathy but seeing the look he gave his partner told me everything. I guess he forgot that I was in the room. I never caught that kind of slip from him ever again.
With a loud sigh Schuldig sat up eyes falling onto me immediately. He looked so much different then. He was still thin, I think he will always be thin, but he had not have the muscle definition that he does now. His hair was blonde and cut short, only showing the tiniest hint of him beginning to grow it out. The only thing resembling the Schuldig I know today, was the little smirk that fell on his face as he eyed me up and down. It was Schuldig's infamous grin, the one that both gives me comfort and annoys me at the same time.
"Bradly," he nearly purred. "I didn't know you were into that." He spoke in Japanese, but horribly. He had a strange accent that he had not learned to control at the time.
Bradly, that is what he called him, even then. Another sign of his standing in the group. If Farfarello or I even dared call Crawford by his first name we would come to regret it after we woke up. Schuldig, he just received a glare and a threatening warning. Nothing more. Crawford knew he could not really hurt the German, and if he tried, Schuldig would quickly defend himself.
Though, Crawford rarely ever hit Schuldig and when he did, it was nothing too serious. Crawford made sure to never truly hurt Schuldig, and I knew the reason for this even if he hid it as best as he could.
I also know the excuse he gives for it. Schuldig is powerful. He rarely uses the full extent of his powers to keep his sanity in check but when he unleashes his ability he is a force to be reckoned with.
As I grew older, and more curious about the secretive men I had been living with, I took a bold step in hacking into both of their files. It appeared Crawford pushed a young and inexperienced Schuldig too far one day and felt full on what Schuldig was capable of. It sent him to the hospital for three days. This gave Esset the go ahead to take custody of the German and place him in the laboratory. They would never kill him, he was far too powerful to kill, but they could run tests on him to see what made him so powerful. It would play an important key in the altering of their new telepaths. While I never attended RoskenKreuz, I knew such a fate would be horrendous. It is a life full of pain and dehumanization. Crawford came to and refused to have Schuldig taken away from him. He made it clear that he was in charge of the redhead and he would find the proper punishment. It did not state what the punishment was, or even if there was one, but the fact was now there that Crawford had saved Schuldig's life and that gave him power over the defiant German.
I guess that is why Schuldig listens when Crawford tells him not to go out or wash Farfarello. It is the reason Schuldig allows Crawford some control. But he still allows it. He allows Crawford to take control of his life. He could just as easily take it back but that would disrupt our family and he would never do that. Schuldig needs the stability Schwarz creates just as much as we all do. If he were ever to break the balance the group would be lost.
I guess their balance is just as much a curse as it is a gift. So much depends on it and it often causes the two to cross one another. When you have such different personalities living in small quarters fights are bound to happen, and they do. Usually, they occur when Schuldig is in the mood to be annoying and Crawford is in no mood to put up with him. They rarely get out of hand but when they do it is usually Schuldig who pays. Crawford rarely physically hurts Schuldig, but emotionally it is another story.
When the German persists a bit too hard Crawford will shut him up with an insult that is brought up from the past that I can never fully understand. This shuts him up right away. Normally, Schuldig would scream a big "Fuck you" and stalk up to his room or the Tv room. When he falls quiet it only means Crawford hit hard.
Eventually, the two would make up, another thing I have yet to witness. Crawford will speak to Schuldig in private and it would be ok; Between the two of them that is. I don't know when it started, but somewhere along the line tension between Crawford and myself began to grow. It steamed, of course, from Schuldig.
There was a time period when the two fought constantly. At first it frightened me, I thought our group would shatter for sure. But when the realization hit that nothing would tear us apart hit, I found myself getting angry. I will admit any day that my allegiance falls more with Schuldig than it does Crawford. Schuldig had more contact with me when I was a child. He was the one who bathed me, fed me, put me to bed, raised me. Of course, I would grow closer to him than Crawford. But, for some reason or another, my bond with Schuldig changed. My feelings for him changed.
I never have pushed or even believe anything will happen. It is no secret that Schuldig wants Crawford, and well, I am certain Crawford needs Schuldig, too. I know I stand no chance and that makes me jealous. I know I will just be 'the kid' to Schuldig. Still, I want to protect him from pain. To see someone you want needing someone else hurts, seeing that someone you want get hurt, hurts even more.
I never let it affect our team. That would be foolhardy of me. I push my feelings away as best as I can to keep everything running smooth. We are a unit and that does not allow for personal feelings to jeopardize everything. I guess I am willing handing over Schuldig to the man I know he belongs with, and that is not me.
But that is okay. I am lucky to just have him in my life, to have them all in my life. We are a lucky group, there is no other like us out there. We are more than just a team, we are a family. When I was young I never thought I would be part of a family. I am happy I was wrong. I have my place, I know my rules, I have somewhere to go in life. I may hate what I do and hate the people I work for but it is the reason I have Schwarz in my life.
It kind of gave me an idea for a new fic(a multi part one which I have yet to do). I just need to figure out how I want it written. In Third person, in Nagi's pov, or in changing povs. --