Authors Note: I was going to leave this fic alone and start a whole new one but decided to just keep adding to this one. Nagi's musings are interesting.
There was just something about Schuldig that begged to be noticed. He would do everything in his power to gain the attention he so desperately craved. It could be seen in the way he dressed-the horrid bright contrasts of his hair and clothes, the way he spoke-the crude comments he made simply begged for some kind of reaction, and his movement in general- the way he taunted and seduced everyone did not allow them to look away.
For the longest time I thought it had something to do with some childhood experience, something before RosenKreuz. Schulding, unlike most people, was not brought to RosenKreuz as an infant. He spent many years with his family, more than he should have. It was not until he was eight years old that he entered the school, usually, by that age the talents are forgotten. The children are allowed to stay with their family since their power needs to be nurtured from an early age in order for the talent to be able to use their gift to the best of their ability. By the time a talent turns eight or nine, it is too late. There are exceptions, Schuldig being one, and I being another.
Exactly how he escaped the agents for so long, I cannot say for sure. Unlike me, who was forgotten and unnoticed, he should have been a prime suspect at an early age. He had a family, walked about openly in public, and lived in the same country as the school. I suspect that maybe his talent lay dormant but growing in strength as he grew. I can think of no other possibility for their procrastination. Those, are only my speculations and probably wrong. I'll never be certain of why it took RosenKreuz to track him down.
The fact still remained that he had a childhood, even if it was not a good one. I thought, maybe, he was neglected and ignored. It would certainly explain his constant need for attention. He wanted what he never had, he wanted the reassurance that people were aware that he was there. It was his annoying way to reassure himself that he had a place in the world. It made sense to me.
One conversation with Crawford proved my theory wrong.
Out of all of us, Schuldig had the most stable childhood. It is a hard thing for me to fathom, but Schuldig came from a functional home. His father worked as a carpenter in Berlin and his mother was a housewife, taking care of the house and children, of which there were three; Schuldig being the youngest. As the youngest he received all the attention he desired and he sure desired a lot.
There was no yelling or screaming in his home and no abuse. His father was a jolly man, constantly wearing a smile and ready to let out a loud laugh whenever the opportunity presented itself. His mother was a quiet, gentle woman. She hardly spoke but used body language to show her contentment; She was a physical woman, allowing her actions to speak for her.
Yes, life was good for Schuldig when he was a child.
It is hard to imagine a light hearted child as I looked upon him now. When RoskenKreuz finally admitted Schuldig into their school, that child began to die and the man known as Schuldig began to form. He was just another casualty lost to RosenKreuz.
Though there appears to be no trace of that boy in the Schuldig now, I know he has left a mark on his heart. I know he does his best to forget his past, I see the silent struggle in his eyes when his mind slips and images of his past come flashing in his mind, but it refuses to be forgotten. He wants to forget but there are just some memories that refuse to be dispelled from his mind.
There are times when he allows his memories and struggles to slip into the open. Maybe, he does not allow it, he simple cannot contain it, but I choose to read the actions as him trusting me enough to show his weakness.
I remember once when Crawford was out of town, which meant Schuldig was in charge, which meant the two of us went out and did our best to socialize and act like normal human beings, which Schuldig found to be a blast, he allowed his first memory to slip. We were walking down a main street, to a music store, when we crossed a man walking a German Shepherd. Schuldig paused and watched the dog and continued to stare in the direction long after the dog was out of sight. I called his name many times but it was quite obvious he did not hear me.
"I wonder what he looks like now." I heard him whisper. I'm not sure if he meant to say it aloud or if it was meant to be a thought.
"Who?" I questioned, replying even though I was uncertain.
He looked at me with confusion before he shook his head as if to clear his head, then smiled. "No one," he murmured, "forget it."
I felt my mouth form into a frown. It hurt knowing he did not wish to share his thoughts with me, especially ones that had such an affect on him. I could not help but think if I were Crawford, he would be pouring all his emotions on me without a second thought. Why didn't I have that trust?
"Who were you talking about, Schuldig?" I asked again gently, silently urging him to tell me.
He sighed and placed a hand over my shoulder, with a slight nudge from him we continued our walk.
"My dog," he stated sheepishly. "He was a puppy when I ran away. I wonder what he looks like now."
I pressed closer to him for comfort but didn't say a word. There was nothing I could say. My heart ached at his pain. I could not fathom how hard it must be on him to remember a time when he was actually normal, to know that he once lived a life without all the hardships he had now, to know he had a family, a dog, but could never return to live with them again. I pressed closer to him and he pulled his arm more fully around me.
I could hardly remember my childhood. All that is left from those days is a strong hatred I feel for all human beings. I knew they outcast me and some even went as far as beating me when I stole food to stay alive, but I did not remember it. That is the beauty of being a child, one forgets all the hardships they went through as a child. Nothing is left but maybe a faded memory.
My negative memories were turned into positive ones when I was taken in by Crawford. I might not like what I do or the people I work for, but I have a family now. I have a support group. I no longer live on the streets and beg for food. I have a home, my food is provided for me, and I have two men looking out for my best interest. In a world that should be filled with confusion and chaos I have something stable.
I use to suffer from horrible nightmares that kept me awake for hours during the night. On the odd chance I did fall asleep I would wake up screaming and crying and I pulled the blankets tighter around me for comfort. I never remembered what they were about but they kept my heart pounding for what seemed like hours after I woke up. The only way I could fall back asleep was with the presence of either Crawford or Schuldig near me.
Of course, it was usually Schuldig who came to comfort me. Crawford always had something to do or somewhere to be, he could rarely be bothered. Schuldig was the one who put me in bed and stayed with me until I fell asleep. Crawford was the one who came to me when I awoke at night, allowing Schuldig to rest on most nights.
On nights when things got really bad, Crawford ordered me to sleep in Schuldig's bed. I would nestle into his side as he would gently sing me a song that his mom used to sing for him, something about a crocodile. At times, he would even play with my hair in the same way she played with his. It made me feel so at home, so safe.
It was a perfect structure. I gained the trust I needed in the two through Sculdig's caring nature and Crawford's protection, Schuldig began to learn what responsibility was, and Crawford oversaw the two of us and knew we were learning our places. Crawford's intentions were never to form our group into a family structure, he simply found it a way to provide everyone with what they needed, I don't think he foresaw the tight bond that would be created between us all.
They were my saviors, intentional or not. They were the two who took pity on me and rescued me from a life that was leading to a quick death. I now understand that it was for my power, but at the time I only saw them as the two people who gave me a chance when no one else would. That is all I recall from my childhood.
Crawford was trained for his position since he could remember. Though, he too was a special chase. He did not live in RosenKreuz but with his family. His father was a teacher at the school and his mother was a healer. As such, he was able to be trained at home until he was of age to be an upper class man, which meant he was able to avoid all the harsh punishments and possibly a death that might have claimed him.
They no longer work at the school. What happened to them, I don't know, I doubt anyone knows, Schuldig possibly being the only exception.
Even though Crawford had a childhood outside the school, he didn't have a childhood. His life, like the others, was tied to his talent. He simply skipped out on the torture that should have broken him as a child.
Farfarello's childhood is marred in bloodshed. He was a happy child that morphed into the man we see today. His childhood is the only one that can be compared to Schuldig's. He too was once happy. He too once had a family and fond memories. But, unlike Schuldig, he did not recall those days. He did not remember when he was Jei and that was for the best. All he can remember is blood and pain. That is his only reality.
In that sense, Farfarello is lucky. His memories are locked up in the back of his mind. They do not make him a slave to his memories. What will happen when he starts to remember, I don't know, I don't want to think of it.
Only Schuldig is plagued by a life he no longer lives. I guess it's not so hard seeing why Schuldig is the way he is. It has to be difficult knowing you were once living the life of a normal human being, then waking up each morning remembering the life which was so good to you was now out of your grasp. It has to be even more difficult to have had all the attention and love of your parents then being snatched away and placed in a facility such as RosenKreuz where you have to fight to stay alive.
Schuldig begs for attention because he always received it. He is searching for the comfort he had when he was a child living at home with his parents. He wants to feel safe and loved like he used to. When we focus our attention on him he feels the stability he did when he was a child. He, like everyone else in the words, just does what he needs to, to stay alive and well.
My take on their childhoods. I think the idea of Schuldig living on the streets, being a whore, and druggie is done to death(though, I do like the idea). When I sat down and thought about what he went through as a child, an odd image popped into my head- a happy home. I went with that. It seemed...somehow...proper.
Crawford, well, I think the fact that he grew up connected to RosenKreuz might have shoved him in the direction to betray them. He was somewhat "in" with the operation so that gave him the confidence to betray them.
I'm not quite sure about Farf. I recall there being an episode about his childhood(or an ep that simple touched upon his subject), my dvds are packed up, ready to be shipped to my college, so I cannot watch them and I couldn't find anything on the net. I'm not sure if he remembers what occurred(him killing his family), so in my story he does not.
And if anyone is interested in the song Schuldig sung Nagi(my friends were) it's:
Ich bin Snappi
Der kleines Krokodil
Snih snah snappi
Snappi snappi Snappi
Snih snah snappi
Snappi snappi Snappi
It is not really a bed time song but my nephew always made me sing it to him when he was falling alseep.
Next chapter will come much more quickly since I know now this is a multi part fic