(Follows 'Finding Stillness' in the timeline of my WK stories, but here it is written to work on its own.)
I decided to add a few explanatory notes - hope they make sense, and that you'll have fun reading. Thanks to those of you who listed this story among their favs and/or author alerts – you know who you are! Thank you.
xxx
Aya has been acting weird recently.
Well, weirder than usual, anyway. How about collecting me from the park (1) where I had gone after a night of heavy boozing and, well, other things... I only wanted to view the cherry blossoms, like I did with Asuka on that day that keeps replaying itself in the theatre of my memories, an endless loop of pain. Aya came to get me when I was lying on the grass that had rainbow colours, and my side and my head hurt from being knocked about and I did not know why because all I saw was snow in summer... cherry petals sailing from a too-blue sky...
Omi told me later that redhead kept resolutely schtum about what really happened back there, but I have some vague idea... a run in with a bunch of youngsters 'cos one of the girls looked so much like her... like Asuka; I had to look, and perhaps I stared a bit too hard 'cos one of the lads didn't like it. So that would explain a cracked rib and a few nasty welts and bruises. Aya collected me and did not even give me a dressing down for what had happened. Neither would he tell me how I got – clean, naked, and smelling of shampoo – into my bed. Or why my sheets held the faintest trace of his scent when I finally came round the next afternoon.
He puzzled me no end because the only explanation that made sense was plain wrong. So wrong, I did not even ask though I was dying to know.
And then he pulled me back from the ledge of the roof when I was dancing there, perhaps a bit stoned and wobbly with sake, imagining it was her embracing me, swaying slowly to the song that held the essence of our silly little dreams when it was only me, hugging myself, and then Aya's harsh grip around my shoulders.
He dragged me back and scolded. Silly little Aya. So cold, so frosty, and so afraid of warmth. But our shifts together became easier 'cos he wanted to know... things. He was hurting, I knew that much. He was longing, too, but I did not know for what. Hurting and longing. Like me. Like all of us. He was human after all.
Somehow, that put me at ease with him.
Me at ease with him meant Omi relaxed a bit, and subsequently, Ken with him.
The air at the Koneko became breathable again.
And Aya kept dropping small hints. Struggling through a losing battle against embarassment and his notion of decency. Losing against his growing desire to belong, to feel, to love again, overlooking how natural it should have been to want for just these things.
Sometimes it was easy to forget that we all were still so young...
I think I knew what he wanted me to do when I found the orchid in my room. A white orchid, in a black vase. He had omitted the ikebana element for heaven (2)in this stark arrangement – such as us know no heaven, no hope, no future, he was telling me without words. We are grounded in the blackest night, rooted in sin, bearing our cross – and the white flower joined him and me, him in his knowing innocence (3), and me, the exot, the outsider (4) who belonged nowhere and had nowhere to go. Yet he wanted me because I live my life, no matter what. He wanted me because he saw me as experienced. He felt safe asking me for this.
I did not know what to do. A strange stillness settled between us, for he felt he had said everything there was to say, and I had no idea how to respond. He was pretty. He was beautiful. But I could feel... darkness within. Fire beneath the ice. Searing. Hatred. So much hatred, caged, focused, consuming him... with no room for anything else. Ready to burn the world should this fire tear free.
I was not sure I wanted to get hurt like that.
xxx
Next chapter: Closer
Notes:
1) See my story 'Finding Stillness' for a more in depth version of the events
2) formal arrangements should include elements symbolising heaven, man/kind, and earth
3) Aya states at some point that he slept with a woman at age 16, but he is sexually innocent of men
4) orchids, Yohji's image flowers, are not native to Japan; he is half-Japanese, half American (?)