A/N: Sorry last chapter was so short…..but this one didn't really go with it.

Spoilers: Charisma

Elliot POV

I hate that I've hurt her so bad. I just….open mouth, insert foot.

"You don't. This…mess. It's my fault. I should be a better husband, a better father. I'm so sorry baby. Please, forgive me for being so short sighted."

I need to hold her more often….just like this, cradled like a child. All I can think to do is stroke her hair and hope to God she can forgive me for being me.

Look at those tears. I can't stand to see her in pain…and now, I know I can't hold anything back, not even the tears that are now streaming down my face. Screw it all. I need this. Her, I need her to know….I need to let her in.

"Elliot. I'm….I need to say something…"

"No. I need to get this out." Let her in, that's what you need to do, that's what she's wanted for so long. "About this case today. They, uh, sent me home for at least a week…so say-eth psyc services, for at least that long." Well, that's a start.

"What did you see that would be so terrible?" Those eyes; eyes searching for what I don't want to say, or can't.

"It….it was so awful, Kath. You can't….you…just."

"Please, tell me. I can see the pain of this is eating you up. And it will destroy you from the inside if you hold it in."

She's right. I know she is. But…but if this is in my head, once it's in hers…she's more connected to all of those victims, all those children more so than I am. She's a mother…she's had children grow inside her…

"El, I'm stronger than you think."

Even now as she snuggles closer to my heart, I'm positive she can hear it breaking for each and everyone of those kids. sigh Here goes nothing.

"A girl…was brought to the hospital. 30 weeks along. She's twelve Kath. And the doctor assured us it wasn't her first time at this particular circus, either. Liv went to check it out, I was buried in paperwork. The girl, Melanie, tells her that she's married to Abraham. Twelve Kath, twelve. Anyway, Liv talks her out of her address, so we can arrest this freak. So she goes there, with a couple of uniforms. She called and I told her I'd be there in ten or so. While I was en route, she went to the door, several kids answer and this Abraham snake answers. Liv asks him to step outside…so she can arrest him. Funny right…we can't even arrest them in their own homes?"

She knows I'm avoiding it.

"Funny…like…they can rape children but you can't take them in unless they cross over their own threshold. But…that's not it, is it?"

Busted Stabler. Don't hold anything back, get it out…for once.

"No, it's not. So, uh, Liv's at the door. The guy refuses to come out. She walks back toward the car with the uniforms and they get shot at while their backs where turned. They ducked and heard even more gunfire."

She's terrified. "Was anyone…"

"No, no. They were all fun . But then they called for all of us, and then some. Munch, Fin, and I all go there about the same time and Liv brought us up to speed. I asked if anyone could make contact or tell us anything about this Abraham…but of course, no phone…and not even one complaint against him. We knew there were kids inside, and their safety was number one, so we needed to proceed with caution. Once we secured the area, we ordered the SWAT team in." Swallowing usually helps to swallow the tears, not today. "They go in quick…but then, immediately radio back for, uh, ESU…emergency services."

"Elliot….there's more. I'm okay, tell me."

Holding me now. Almost like she's holding me together….I hope when she gets nightmares, she asked for it.

"We, all of us, ran over to the building and the uniform we call Z, is on the steps, sitting…real shaken up. I don't even hear what he says. I go in. I know Liv, Munch, and Fin got my back." Okay…gotta keep it together long enough to let this out. "And then I….I, uh, notice the bodies."

"Bodies?"

"They're….all…kids. All sorts of…ages. So we start looking around. The guy's some sort of religious fanatic. Amongst the children's…bodies….we found Bibles…all sorts of passages written on the wall…"

Alright, let go of it. Sob like a baby if you gotta…doesn't make you weak.

"So, we look around, to see if he's still close by. We split off….looking was the worst part. There was a baby…a dead baby, Kath. Shot. Couldn't have been more than eight months old…I look and see a boy about Dickie's age…uh, Munch, even with all his background in homicide is disgusted…Fin just looks off, and Liv's nearly to the point of hysterical…"Deep breath. Get it out. "That's when I saw her."

"Her?"

"This little girl…was…she," breathe man, "she was wearing this shirt… Lizzie used to wear one just like it…like in the picture on my desk. I couldn't separate them….it was like….like her…there." No control now. Give in. Let her hold you.

"What did that girl ever do to anyone Kath? Nothing! And I can't even help her now! Why. Why would God allow this to happened?"

She's as dumbfounded as I am. "I. I don't know. We should…pray for all of them. Whatever good that'll do." I made her cry again. But those tears aren't all for those kids…I know some of them are for me.

"I ask for understanding. And that this bastard that rapes children and then has them executed be brought to justice." Now there's a confession. I want him dead and I want to do it. "I know we'll get him. But you know what really does it for me? I bet he told those kids…those terrified children that is was God's will for them to be murdered. Last time I checked…you shall not murder….still on the books. Real hard to sell that up."

She knows what I'm saying. And she's wants to admit she hates him. Instead, she just hold me in return. Keeping me close, keeping me calm.

"You know killing him won't make a difference. It won't bring any of those kids back."

"Yeah…but at least he couldn't hurt anyone anymore."

"How do you keep that sorta thing bottled up?"

Right to the point. I snuggle closer to her. "Dunno. I just think one of us need to sleep, that's all." She's not buying that.

"Elliot. This, thing. It's horrific. I can't even imagine seeing it. But you telling me; let's me know that you're dealing, not hiding. You have to tell me this stuff from now on. I can't take the not knowing. I have for ten years…but no more."

"Excuse me?" That's kinda odd, what's the subtext?

She whispers, like it's a big secret. More like so prying little ears won't hear. "I had finally convinced myself that if you couldn't talk to me THIS time that I was taking the kids and leaving. I just couldn't stand not knowing anymore, El. And I just couldn't take the screaming matches anymore. All I wanted was to know. "

Holy Mary….did she just say….that she was going to leave me?….wow….

"I tried to say I was leaving because I didn't love you anymore. I couldn't make myself believe that. It was because I wanted you to feel how I felt. Because I wanted to shut you out and make you hurt. And now. Now…..I'm sorry I even considered it."

I'm so….shocked. "Kathy…I don't know what to say."

"No, let me finish. You are a wonderful father, a great husband and a noble man. Any woman on this planet would be lucky to have you. Guess that makes me the luckiest woman on Earth. I've gotten used to your work…really, I have. Waking up alone. Being both parents at time. But I never minded. All I wanted was for you to just talk to me."

"I…just…didn't want to…I was worried you wouldn't be okay."

"Well, now that you've told me this…and I'm okay….you know that I will always be okay. And I'll always be there for you."

"I'm just sorry I couldn't give more."

"Don't be crazy. You've given me four beautiful children, but more than that, you gave me your heart. And I promised I would take care of it, mend it every time it breaks. I swore in front of God that I would be there to help you, always and forever. And I meant it. Still do. I love you Elliot Stabler, with all that I am. And don't you ever think something is so bad that you can't tell me…get me?"

I kiss her, like when were kids…which seems almost a lifetime ago. Crazy in love, sneaking off to just be with each other. God, I feel weightless, almost like if I wasn't holding on to her, I would float away. I know she feels the same. Hmm, speaking of moving and earth…wonder…go for it.

"Kinda chilly out…what do you say we go back inside to, uh, warm up?"

I know that sly grin. "Oh. So, I get my continue after all.."

"I need you. Plain and simple." How about that….I really do.

"And the continue isn't as important as showing you how much I really love you."

Her kiss is sweeter than usual, not that I mind. Geez, it IS freakin' cold! I hate fall, really I do.

"So. You plan on calling in sick?"

"Why? We'll be in bed early…" Was that a cheap shot?

"True, but I don't think we'll be going to sleep anytime soon" She can't resist me. Hey, I know! Wow, lighter than I remember. I haven't carried her to bed in ages.

"What about the kids?" Such a mom…

"They can take care of themselves. Now it's time we take of us."

Can't believe I almost screwed up the best thing I've ever had. I wouldn't be able to breathe without her and my kids. What the hell was I thinking? I wasn't…couldn't have been. But speaking of screwed…I've got to take care of my needs, like everyone's been telling me to do ALL day.