A/N: YAY! My prestige is growing! I have the reviews. And they're not from BVP or Kit! My relationship with Erik will live another day! And I do mean mine, not Brie's. And those of you who read I Wish You Were There Inside My Mind, planet Biatch is in the Universa sector, not the Hitcha. Did you know that they have tofu sushi? It's called Inira, or something like that. It's goooooood… I spent the entire day speaking in the dialect of the language of English that is common to the peoples of the Planet Tamaran purely to annoy the dad which is mine. It did the working. Would anyone desire to come to the mall of shopping with me?
Kit Ankia- Wildmage-When Iris and I were passing those notes on the last day of school (cursed awards ceremony), a good ¾ of what we wrote was either 'cake' or 'gravy,' except in all caps.
Silvermasque-Ok, fine, I give in. You were nice enough to give me a cameo, I'll give you one. Yay! Chocolate! Licorice! (Have you ever had licorice flavored ice cream? It's very good, but I don't get it very often)
Onashii-Hehe. The 'choccy woccy doo dah' was a reference to Louise Rennison's book, Away Laughing on a Fast Camel,which you should go read, as it is the random.
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Previously on Titles Are Overrated…
"Please tell me your name, mademoiselle."
Dude! Erik had just asked mePolitely! I had died and gone to heaven. Or something. I winced. This wasn't going to be fun. He'd pick up on the reference instantly, being French. "My name is…Brie…" (A/N: Yes, that's her real name)
He roared with laughter. A few minutes later, he managed to choke out, "You're…named…after…cheese…?"
My nod just got him started again. Approximately fifteen minutes later he had composed himself. "Do you have a middle name I might possibly call you?" he asked.
I sighed. "Yes. Fleur. I would prefer you to call me Brie, though."
"Your…name…means…cheese…flower…?"
Oh, God. I'd gotten him started again. I noticed Authoress 1 grinning at me over his shoulder.
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"What is your…surname?" Erik gasped out in between mad fits of laughter. "Omelet?"
I raised an eyebrow. Hasn't this guy read any phanphics? I wondered. "It's already been done."
"Excuse me?"
"She said, 'It's already been done.' There are only so many time-warp plots. It's even harder to be original while recycling names too."
I groaned. Authoresses. At least they were solid this time.
Erik raised his own eyebrow at the Authoresses. "Madame… Madames… What are you wearing?"
Oh, God. Authoress 1 was wearing a pink t-shirt that said on it in green writing (A/N: And we all know how much you love pink and green, Iris), 'I love Erik more than you,' and neon blue pants. On top of this, she was wearing an egg-yolk yellow cloak, and looking at Erik like he was the strange one. Authoress 2 was looking like she'd just walked out of the SGC, complete with zat gun and staff thingy. And I was standing around in my underwear.
Lovely.
"And who's Erik?" Erik asked, clearly hoping some other Erik was the object of this woman's affections.
"Why, you are!"
"Authoress," I hissed, "What are you on?"
"Crack," she replied sanguinely. "Remember? You sold it to me."
It was now time for some quality bashing-my-head-against-the-wall.
"Umm…cheese…?" said Erik, looking concerned.
I fumed, considering whether to yell at him or slap him or steal Authoress 2's weapon(s) and shoot him. It was in this moment of dramatic tension (A/N: See! Since it's general, it can be ANY category I want!), that another Authoress appeared. "Did you have to invite friends?" I complained to Authoress 2, as she was the only one who would listen. "Is it national Torment The Cheese Flower Named Girl Day or something?"
The new Authoress was actually dressed in something appearing to have a semblance of normal, green and silver and wearing a silver masque. Except she had a celestial looking cloud of silver behind her and insisted on standing in midair. Why do the Authoresses have to flaunt their power everywhere? I wondered.
"Hey guys!" she said.
"Why did you have to invite friends?" I asked Authoress 2 again.
"I'm Authoress 27," Authoress 27 said.
"Authoress 1…" I said menacingly. I've been practicing my menacing. "Where did Authoresses 3-26 go?"
She shrugged, adjusting her cloak. "They wanted our positions. Ask Authoresses I and II."
"So exactly why are you here?" I asked Authoress 27, noticing that Erik was sneaking off into the shadows. I didn't blame him. If you weren't insane already, contact with Authoresses could make your head explode.
"I got banned for posting a list. I'm bored. I'm having update blues."
Authoress 1 glared. "Are you going to get me banned too?"
"Are you going to post a list?"
"I mean your presence. You know as well as I do that you can influence this phic. You can even call in the DBCA (A/N: Dramatic Black Cloak Addicts. Read A Mirror Between Worlds by Silvermasque for further info) or something, and I couldn't do anything."
Authoress 27 grinned. All of a sudden twenty or thirty cloaked girls appeared.
"Hey!" said one angrily. "We were about to charge the stage!"
"Fine, fine," Authoress 27 said. All the girls disappeared.
Authoress 2 chimed in, "You know, somewhere, when the DBCA appeared, a girl at a computer who can make me do the 'serpent guards go bak bak doodle doodle bak bak' dance just had a conniption." It was clear to anyone with half a brain, i.e. not me, that Authoress 2 knew the Authoress lingo better than the other two.
"Because…?" Authoress 1 asked.
"Well," said Authoress 2 patiently, "Somewhere a girl at a computer who can make me do the 'serpent guards go bak bak doodle doodle bak bak' dance just had a conniption." It was clear to anyone with half a brain, i.e. not me, that Authoress 2 knew the Authoress lingo better than the other two.
"Because…?" Authoress 1 asked.
"Well," said Authoress 2 patiently, "You're an aspect of her. Brie's an aspect of her. And one of the DBCA's an aspect of her."
I felt a sudden desire to follow Erik out of this incredibly random gathering. At least they weren't arguing over Briar and Wraith's curfew again, I had to give them that. I told my bag that it had a Cloak of Shadows in it, put it on, and slunk away.
"So," said Authoress 27, "am I the only one who noticed that all the characters are gone?"
Authoress 1 nodded, pulling out another lump of chocolate. Authoress 2 poked her with her staff weapon.
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(((((SUDDEN SWITCH TO NARRATOR'S POV, WHICH IS LESS RANDOM)))))
Hmm… Brie thought. I'm wearing a Cloak of Shadows… Erik can't see me…
Erik was in his room, composing on the smaller organ that was in there. He didn't want to risk going back out into the main room. Why am I being haunted by four women who seem to possess no trace of sanity whatsoever? he wondered.
Suddenly something jabbed into his side. He let out a high-pitched squeak, causing a giggle from some shadows standing right next to him. Either I'm going insane from overexposure to themhe thought, or someone hiding in those shadows poked me.
He was poked again, on the other side. He squeaked again. The giggle sounded further away, and he noticed that a patch of shadows that looked suspiciously like a cloaked girl was sitting on his bed (A/N: No coffin in this one, folks). This was curious, as his bed was in direct candlelight, and there should have been no shadows.
Brie was delighted with herself. She wanted to put confetti in his hair and see how long it took him to notice, but he was already staring at her suspiciously and she didn't want to risk it.
Erik made his way over to the shadow, seeing if he could just pass his hand through it, like any other shadow.
When he smacked it, the shadow said, "Ouch!"
Brie took off her cloak, since Erik knew she was there.
"What are you doing in my room? Why did you poke me? Can't I just compose one measure without you bothering me?"
Sounds of damp turkeys being used as weapons filtered in from the main room.
The look Brie gave Erik was sufficient explanation, but she said something anyway. "I'm escaping from them. You make funny noises. No."
(A/N: Behind me, my kitten Christine is fighting with her sister Charlie under a futon. Just thought you'd wanna know.)
Erik raised an eyebrow. "I make 'funny noises'?"
"What else do you call that squeak you make when I do this," and she poked him in the stomach. He squeaked again.
"Brie…" he said menacingly. His menacing was much more menacing than Brie's menacing, especially as he augmented his menacing by reaching menacingly in the general direction of his Punjab lasso. Brie wondered how long it had taken him to perfect his menacing and be so menacingly…menacing.
"Erik…" Brie imitated his tone of voice and reached menacingly for her bag, in which a bulge stunningly similar to a sword had appeared.
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(((((DRAMATIC SWITCH BACK TO BRIE'S POV)))))
I told my bag that there was a glittering Ilithien longsword in it. Not that I knew how to fence. Any swordplay knowledge I had was gleaned from Tamora Pierce, J.R.R Tolkien, and roleplaying games. Oh, and watching the swordfight scene in Phantom over and over. What? I'm not crazy!
"So…do you fence?" Erik asked.
"Oh, this?" I asked pulling the sheathed sword impressively out of my bag. The sheath was smelly sheepskin, and blood-encrusted even though I'd never even taken the sword out of it, much less shed any blood. I prayed that the Authoresses had seen it fit to give me some knowledge of sharp pointy weapons, otherwise I was about to, more than likely, severely injure myself.
Erik wrinkled his nose as the stench of the sheath hit him. I told it that it didn't stink. It didn't stink. It just smelled unpleasant. I sighed. Some battles you could never win. Like the never-ending struggle to beat my printer in rock paper scissors. But that's a story for another day.
I unsheathed the sword dramatically, and the glittering Ilithien longsword glittered madly, as well as dramatically. I could tell it annoyed Erik. So I waved it in front of him. "Look! It's all glittery and shiny and sharp and pointy and dangerous!" As if to prove my point, I dropped the sword on my foot. But it was an accident! Really! I knew I should've worn the Comfy Old Lady Loafers or the Very Cool Combat Boots…that were back in 2005. Never mind. But, yeah, wild tangent there. I dropped the glittery, shiny, sharp, pointy, dangerous glittering Ilithien longsword on my bare foot. A fun experience, if your foot is entirely numb. Which mine isn't. Oh, lucky me. Happy days. I gritted my loins and girded my teeth and yelled, "AUTHORESSES! I DROPPED A SWORD ON MY FOOT!" Erik, I noticed, was freaking out. Good. Maybe he'd stop laughing at my name then. I looked down at the bloody mangled mess that was my right foot that still had the sword sticking out of it. Yes! I thought. Now, I can tell, you're wondering 'why in the name of (insert expletive here) is she thinking 'yes' when she just cut half of her foot off?' Well, when you've got gym coaches as evil as I do, you learn to relish every opportunity for a few days off. (A/N: PARTNER JOG!) Authoress 1 entered, clutching a half bald turkey and covered with feathers. One look and my foot was fixed and the sword was back in my hand.
"Brie, why did I give you access to sharp pointy objects?" she asked.
"Because you're on crack?" I supplied.
"Yep. That's it," she said, then a damp turkey hit her on the side of the head, and she went charging back into the other room.
Erik blinked. I had to get either him or them out of here, or his head would possibly explode. People said he was mad, but nowhere near mad enough to deal with Authoresses. Getting him out was a better idea, as it didn't involve damp turkeys. I threw him my Cloak of Shadows, gesturing for him to put it on and run for his life. When I was absolutely positive that he was gone, I started practicing my fencing, but not after getting my Very Cool Combat Boots out of my bag. Authoress 1 was going to hate herself for giving this thing to me. This was actually fun! I'd never fenced in my underwear before. A few more minutes of this and I could beat the fop hands down, if he didn't faint from seeing a fourteen year old girl wearing nothing but a chemise and Very Cool Combat Boots come charging at him with a glittery sword.
"I'm a glittering Ilithien longsword," the sword said.
"Dude! My sword is mind melding with me!"
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(((((SWITCH TO ERIK'S POV, IN ALL ITS AWESOMENESS)))))
Why couldn't I have just stayed in Persia? Why? Why did I have to live under an opera house? Why? Why couldn't I have just stayed in an inn or gotten a flat like everyone else? Why? Why couldn't I have just strangled this girl when she came stumbling into my lair? Why? Why did I keep asking myself these obvious questions? Why?
I was wearing that cloak that cheese girl had given me and it seemed to make me invisible. I stuck out my tongue at the rat catcher, just to see. Yep, I was invisible. Or a patch of shadows like she was when she had poked me. She told me that I had to get out of the company of those three women she called 'Authoresses,' or my head would explode. Lovely. Those three were nothing but trouble. For example, the one who claimed to be 'on crack,' had that she loved me scrawled on her chest, and was obviously pregnant to boot. Was I a sleepwalker?
Bad image.
Very bad image.
All of a sudden, the woman who I'd just been thinking about appeared just in front of me and pushed the hood off my head. "I knew exactly where you were!" she said. "Nice try of Brie, though. I'm Authoress 1, by the way." She linked arms with me for some strange reason and lead me back to the lair.
-
"Surprise!" announced Authoress 1 to a very bewildered Brie. To her, it appeared that my head was floating in midair. "I found your lover boy wearing your cloak, trying to escape! Isn't that grand?"
Lover boy? Does she know who she's dealing with?
Brie, however, turned a deep red. "You promised that you wouldn't say a word about that," she told Authoress 1.
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(((((SWITCH TO AUTHORESS 1'S POV. RUN!)))))
Fish. Cheesy tacos. Purple macaroni. This is how my mind…fish. Tofu sushi is…purple macaroni. I don't have AD…monkey. Oh, haha, there's this girl, Brie. She's fun to torment. She needs counseling 'cause of her last name. I'm not telling you, though!
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(((((SWITCH BACK TO BRIE'S POV)))))
I could feel my face heating up. I didn't want this to be a romance story. No, that's not right. I wanted this to be a romance story, but…it's hard to explain. Let's just say I was completely mortified that AUTHORESS 1 told Erik that I had a thing for him. Perfect. "You promised that you wouldn't say a word about that," I told her. I picked up my sword, which was quite talkative and threw it at her. Aww… I missed.
"Madame, I am hardly a…boy," Erik said, even more menacing than when he'd threatened me. If this was an anime show I would've turned chibi, donned a cheerleader uniform and cheered Erik on, and Erik and Authoress 1 would've turned into chibi cats, probably.
Wow.
Interesting mental picture.
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A/N: Good night, all. My dad's about to go nuclear.