The most lucid memory he has of him is when he lies down beside him on his bed, shirtless, as the rain streams across the window panes in their silent song.
What he remembers is ragged breathing, a cold nose on the crook of his neck and clammy hands on his chest and on his back and in his hair. He remembers a smile against his lips, a silent thrashing in his sheets, a beautiful mess of tangled limbs and the smell of his aftershave that he hates but he wears anyway. He remembers hearing silent laughter, the cackling of the fire and the taste of salt on bare skin.
This is what he remembers, but what he remembers is just a dream.
At first, Remus never noticed his arrogant smile. He never noticed his eloquent saunter and the low and deep timbre of his voice. Remus never paid attention to his wisecracks, subtle intelligence, or supposed disrespect. He never saw behind the pranks or the animation that occurred with Sirius all the time. Slowly, though, he acquired a slight interest towards him and he gained an aching feeling to touch him. His dreams, they were a reminder of who he was, not what he only pretended to be.
Remus snaps out of his reverie by the only person who had caused it. Sirius walks towards him, in a wolf-like manner, loping and volatile, yet the cheery expression in his face shows that he was feeling otherwise.
"Moony!" he hollers, giving little courtesy to the other students, who, like Remus, preferred to stay inside the library and study, rather than to be out, watching Quidditch games or to be in, tied to bed posts. Remus looks up, furrows his eyebrows together and motions for him to sit down across him, quietly.
"Keep. Quiet," comes his response. He has been thinking fairly naughty things about a boy that sat across him. The boy that has ever done that to him. Probably the only boy that will ever manage to do that to him. Remus then feels guilty about what he had been doing and quietly, in his head, decides against telling Sirius what he had been doing. Sirius shoots him an apologetic face and Remus feels his breath hitch. He then closes his book (it is a hardcover copy of a Victorian porn novel) and looks at Sirius and in a painfully quiet manner, as is his nature, asks, "What are you doing here?"
"Well, what a nice welcome," Sirius shoots back, although, good-naturedly. He understands Remus and his unthinkable need for peace, quiet and, glancing at the book he is attempting but failing to hide, porn. Remus' expression doesn't change and Sirius lets out a sigh, "I just came here because I wanted to see you, Moony. No need to crush your best mate's spirits." Remus looks down at his feet and says, "Oh. Oh, right. Sorry about that. I'd just been thinking."
"Thinking? You always think, Moony. Now, what was all that about?" Sirius prods his friend, hoping for an answer. He's smiling his cocksure grin, all teeth bared, laughter in his eyes. All Remus can do is hope that his heart would not explode at that precise moment.
"Sirius, drop it. It's nothing of severe importance," Remus pauses. "Besides, you wouldn't like it if I told you." Sirius frowns. That is the thing with Remus—you can never tell how he is really feeling unless you converse with him. And even then, he will rarely budge, always asking about you, not bothering to share the things that bothers him.
"How would you know if you won't even tell me?" Sirius feels like pressing Remus more for details. Remus closes his eyes. Because I know you don't feel this way. "Look, I'm sorry, but I just can't tell you," Remus retaliates. "You'll hate me." Sirius ponders on this statement. After several moments he says, "For how long?" Remus is confused, "For how long what?" Sirius, not changing his expression, replies, "For how long will I hate you?"
Remus, obviously surprised, answers warily. "I don't know." He looks at the ceiling. "Forever?"
Sirius sighs and smiles, "Moony. How long have we known each other?"
A gulp. "Uh… I don't know, seven years?"
"That's right. Seven years. Seven bloody years," Sirius confirms. "So, why have you been thinking that anything you do would make me hate you forever?" Sirius leans back, basking in his victory of once again, gaining the upper hand. His friend is speechless, still very quiet.
Remus is excruciatingly hesitant at the idea of telling Sirius how he really feels. He feels as though he is falling through a wide expanse of space, hands shooting from all directions, grasping at him, tearing him apart. His heart drops to his stomach, shoots up to his throat and he feels it nestling in. Remus swallows the lump of a heart and in response to Sirius' inquiry, he replies, "You just will. Trust me."
Sirius lets out a very exasperated sigh of frustration. "How many times must I remind you that nothing on this earth can make me hate—"
"I love you."
Sirius then has a look that seems like he has just had an aneurysm. "What?"
Remus closes his eyes, tiredly, and opens them again, looking into his friends'. And then he repeats what he had said.
"I love you."
A smile breaks across Sirius' face. He then laughs heartily, as heartily as soft chuckles could be. He beams at his friend again, "Bloody hell, Moony, is that all?" A nod from the other boy. "You know I love you too, don't you?" Embarrassment, happiness, stupidity and hope all raced across Remus' friends. Before he can celebrate, though, Sirius continues, "I love you, Moony. I love you, I love James and sometimes, I even love Peter. I love all—"
He is interrupted again. "No, Sirius. I meant I love you. You. I'm in love with you." Silence falls across the room. It seems like the whole school stopped moving at Remus Lupin's silent confession.
Sirius' face falls. He stares at his friend, trying to look for the humor in this, to find the joke—it has to be a joke. He knows Remus like the back of his hand. He can't be serious. Can he? Sirius shakes his head, trying to get rid of all these things in it. He stands up abruptly, as though remembering very suddenly that he is to be elsewhere, and he sees the brown haired boy staring up at him, expectantly. Sirius clears his throat and backs up, hitting the chair behind him and creating a fairly audible noise. "Uh… I just remembered that I had to be somewhere," he finally says. "I'm sorry, Moony. I'm sorry."
And he is sorry for a lot of things. He is sorry that he had hurt his best friend, for prying out that confession from him, albeit the fair warning. He is sorry he won't be there for him, to comfort Remus, like he should be doing. He is sorry that he had been the cause of this heartache.
Most of all, Sirius is sorry because he isn't brave enough to face the truth that he wants what Remus wants too. He leaves the library in a huff and quietly shuts the door.
Remus watches his best friend leave, and everything ends before it even starts. He cries but his whispers came out as laughs, with his face puckered up, his voice still quivering at what had transpired. It is funny, really. Here he is, beating himself up over something he never had a chance to begin with.