Disclaimer: Ah, we meet again. Turns out I have an obsession. With U2, Harry Potter and fanfiction. How handy is that? But, I don't own it.
Summary: Tis a Hermy/Snape ficcy with influence of 'Sliding Doors' (not the plot, the events) and to the lyrics of U2's 'How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb' album (hence the title). Sounds interesting, huh?
Rating: Look, if you haven't read chapter one, why the feck are you here? Jeez…
A/N: It's 3:08 in the morning and I can't sleep. And we've run out of apple juice. And my laptop is going to run out of battery in one hour and eight minutes, and I really can't be fecked going and getting the power cords from the lounge room. And I'm playing U2. And attempting to use "" instead of '', which is a nasty habit I got in to when first using Word.
I need help.
'And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own'
Hermione woke drowsily the next morning, sitting up in an unfamiliar bed. She looked around and saw the time. Nine thirty. It was Saturday morning, so she wasn't late for any classes, and she fell back against the pillows. She felt the bed next to her and it was warm; he must have left not long ago.
She rolled over and saw a piece of parchment on his pillow. She read it and grinned.
Talk about a lack in judgement.
Have gone to get us some breakfast. Didn't want to wake you.
Severus .
She fell back against the pillows contentedly, and finally felt something good was going on in her life. And about time, too. First she was picked on because she was a book worm. It didn't seem like much, but it really hurt, when they did it day after day. When she became Harry's friend she got flack from the student's and the media alike, always in some sort of sordid affair that had permanently marked her reputation. Then Ron, one of the only people she could really trust, died. And that bastard, Voldemort, the evil worm that had killed him and so many of her other friends, was still not gone. It just got so stressful sometimes. And no matter how relaxing dancing was, some things you just can't put away.
Her musings were interrupted by Severus coming into the room with a tray of breakfast.
"I went to the kitchens, rather than cause gossip about myself bring breakfast for two back to my rooms, especially with you not present either." He smirked, placing the tray on the bedside table.
"Like I said-"
"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition?" he laughed.
"No. Nothing like a teacher/teacher relationship to end the year." She smiled, accepting the glass of orange juice he offered her.
They ate their marmalade toast in companionable silence before there was a knock at the door.
"Sod off. I'm sleeping." Severus called loudly.
"If you were sleeping, Severus, you wouldn't have replied." Albus Dumbledore's voice floated cheerfully back to them.
Hermione gave a snort of laughter as she looked at expression on Severus's face upon hearing it was Dumbledore.
"Bugger off, you old fool." Severus said exasperatedly.
"Now, now, Severus. Is that anyway to speak to an old man?" he called back jovially.
Severus grunted in frustration and climbed out of bed, still in the clothes he went out to get breakfast in.
A moment after he left the bedroom she heard him open the door and talk with Albus. She couldn't hear what they were saying, but from the tone of his voice, Severus wasn't very happy.
After a few minutes she heard him say angrily "Fine!" and slam the door.
He stalked back into the room glowering, and she frowned.
"What was it?" she asked.
"Albus. Being an old coot again. I swear that man's gone dodgy." He said angrily, sitting down on the edge of the bed.
She leant her head on his shoulder and looped her arms around his chest. "What does he want?" she asked.
"He wants me to go to Lucius's dinner party after the revel tonight." He said quietly.
"There's a revel tonight?" she asked.
He nodded. "Yes. And Lucius asked me to join him afterwards for dinner and drinks. It'll be Death Eaters and their wives going on about how great the megalomaniac they worship is. Just what I need."
"Bugger… And on the weekend, too." She sighed, and he gave a short chuckle.
"Yes, well, the Dark Lord hardly goes around asking if their next meeting time is appropriate for them. He calls you, and unless you answer, you're dead." He said darkly.
"Can I-" she faltered. "Can I see the mark?" she asked softly.
He turned around and looked at her a moment before pulling off his cloak and rolling off his shirt sleeve. There the mark was faint, a hint of the darkness she knew lay there.
She reached out a finger and touched it. It was warm, like the rest of his skin, but she somehow imagined that it should he burning hot, or cold.
She stared at it for a moment, before realising what she was doing and looked back at him.
'Here we go,' he thought. 'This is the bit where she works out just who I am, decides she doesn't want to spend time with an old Death Eater and leaves. Well, it was fun while it lasted…'
She smiled at him and kissed him on the lips, making his train of thought skid to a halt. He closed his eyes and let himself drown in her taste, not caring for letting his guard down again.
She grinned and enjoyed the feeling of him not trying to contain himself.
After a moment she broke apart, and he opened his eyes.
"We should get to work on that potion." She said softly.
He nodded and stood up, rolling his shirt sleeve down and pulling on his cloak. She climbed out of bed and pulled on her jeans, searching the floor for her shirt. She found it kicked under the bed and pulled it on.
She buttoned it up and grabbed her jacket, heading to the door.
"Hermione." She heard him call behind her.
She turned around and saw him beside another door that she had assumed was a cupboard.
"I've got a door to the lab in here." He said, indicating the door. She followed him through it and into a narrow hallway ending in a door that led into the small office behind the lab and classroom.
She moved through into the lab and saw a table laden with scrolls and old tomes.
"That's another thing Albus came to see me for," he explained. "He brought all these in for me this morning."
"Well, we should look through them until we find what we're looking for." She said, and he nodded.
They brought the parchments into his rooms and sat for many hours in front of the fire perusing them before Hermione found something, just as it was getting dark.
"Here, listen to this. 'The verita elixir has many of the same properties as it's brother, the veritaserum. By using verita elixir, the taker not only is forced to tell the truth, they are forced to retell things that a memory charm or potion may have uncovered, therefore retelling the whole truth, and not just as they taker sees it.' Sounds like our potion, doesn't it?" she asked him.
He nodded. "Does it have the recipe?"
She looked through a few more parchments and found it. 'Yes. Here we are. Belladonna, Dragon's claw, scales of a Hippocampus, all the main ones with a few small differences…" She said, looking over the parchment and then handing it to Severus.
He looked over it, nodding slightly, until he reached one point. "We need the blood of an innocent." He said.
"I know." She said, not at all perturbed.
"You know what that means, don't you?" he asked her, frowning.
"Yes. The blood of a virgin." She said. "Should be easy enough."
"I may not be known for my sexual expertise, Hermione, but I am not a virgin." He said.
"But I am." She said quietly.
He stared at her. "You. But at the pub. And last night. And the book." He spluttered.
She blushed. "I was just acting at the pub. And last night… Well, I don't know. It just felt nice to stay with you. That's probably why I didn't sleep with you last night, but I didn't want to say… And that book? Birthday present from Ginny." She smiled.
He stared at her a moment before focusing again. "Oh. And you wouldn't mind giving some blood?' he asked, a bit at a lost for what else to say.
She smiled. "A quick cut across the hand. Easy as. Won't hurt anymore than usual."
"Usual?" he asked.
She looked up at him. "Any other time I've given blood. For other potions." She explained.
He nodded and continued to peruse the ingredients needed. "Some of these I'll have to go to Knockturn Alley for, but they shouldn't be too difficult to acquire." He focused his gaze back on her. "Looks like we've found our potion." He smiled a little at this statement, but it quickly turned into a grimace as he clutched his arm.
"It's time?" she asked, and he nodded.
He stood up and went to his bedroom, and returned with a large black cloak and his Death Eater mask. It shocked her, though she didn't know why; she knew he was Death Eater, so logically he had the mask and cloak for reveries. But it just seemed so… harsh.
She stood up awkwardly as he pulled on the cloak and stood near him. He looked at her a second, before another wave of pain bit through his arm and he grimaced again.
She went on tip-toes and hugged him as hard as she could, not letting go for several minutes.
"Hermione, I-" he started, and she pulled back and nodded.
"Do you- do you know when you'll be back?" she asked quietly.
He shook his head. "I'll try and be back tonight, but I don't know what Lucius wants to talk about." He answered.
"Okay. Um, well, goodbye." She said, giving a small smile.
His face softened as he looked at her, and he kissed her lightly on the lips before touching his forefinger to the mark, which was now ink black, and disappeared.
----'You don't have to put up a fight, you don't have to always be right' ----
She sat back down on the ground where she had been standing and stared at the emptiness around her. Her heart pace was quickening, her breathing alternating between being laboured and coming in short gasps.
She blinked over and over again, rocking back and forth slightly, biting her lip and chewing the inside of her mouth.
She stood up suddenly and rushed back to her rooms, running full pelt for them, not caring for the papers she had left back in his rooms, not caring if anyone saw her leave them, not caring about anything other than the dire need to get back to her own rooms.
----- 'Let me take some of the punches for you tonight' -----
She removed the glamour from her arms with a wand, her true skin showing again. She breathed a sigh of relief at this reminder that it was a reality. She was really here. She needed to feel something other than the tirade of emotions she was feeling at the moment. She needed something physical.
She needed proof.
She took her razor from her shower and pulled out the blade, feeling the cool metal warm in her numb fingers. Her breathing slowed as she slid the razor along her arm. She closed her eyes as it was confirmed: she was alive. She was alive; she could feel the pain spark in her nerves, the skin open, the blood pool on her arm and cool, then harden. She took great shuddering breaths and grinned. She was there. It was all real. A feeling of ecstasy over came her, and she leant backwards, so she was lying back against the cold, white tiles. She started giggling suddenly, then laughing as loudly as she could. She laughed so hard tears rolled down her cheeks, blurring her view of her arms, dark lines crisscrossing from her elbows down to her wrists.
She eventually fell asleep there, a strange grin on her face, tears in her eyes, lying against the white tiles stained red in one place and still holding the tiny razor blade.
----- 'Listen to me, I need to let you know' -----
"Good to see you again, Severus." Lucius positively slimed over him as he left the manor.
"Tonight was a pleasure, as always…" Severus replied, trying to discreetly get away. He had to get back to Hogwarts and talk to Dumbledore.
Lucius smirked. "And I'm sure I can trust in your prudence about our conversation regarding my… persuasion of the Minister to put the Muggleborn Marriage Law into action?" It was not a question.
"Like always." He lied.
Lucius smirked and they finished their farewells before Severus left the grounds and apparated back to the gates of Hogwarts, hurrying up the path.
He went straight to Dumbledore's office and spoke the password, going into the office without knocking.
Albus looked up from some parchments on his desk and greeted "Severus."
"The Marriage Law is being passed." Severus replied, throwing himself into a seat.
Albus stared at him. "I beg your pardon?"
"The Muggleborn Marriage Law is being passed. Lucius put pressure on the Minister, and it's being passed. There should be an announcement in the Daily Prophet any day now." He said monotonously.
Albus thought about this for several minutes before nodding slightly. "We could work this to our advantage."
"How?" asked Severus.
"Warn all the muggleborn witches about the law. Train them, educate them, so that if they marry a Death Eater or relative of one, they can turn them. Either make them change for the light," Snape snorted at this. "Or bring them to us. I know it's not the ideal situation, but if the law is going to be passed, we may as well try to work it to our advantage."
"But what about the witches we know will be killed. A few weeks into the marriage with a Death Eater, once they've been used, they'll be killed, and you know it. We'd be sending them to their deaths!" Snape shouted angrily.
"We cannot change this law! We have to make the best of it." Replied Dumbledore.
"But if they try and do anything on our behalf they'll be tortured for information on our plans on killed. We can't send them off to do our dirty work! It'd be signing their death certificates!" he yelled, standing up.
"Severus, sit down…" said Dumbledore tiredly. "I know, it's difficult. But we could educate them not to be so obvious. And to ward off attacks. Physical and mental self-defence against their husbands can do no harm. They'll be taught how to manipulate their husbands delicately, subtly. We'd be helping them, if anything. We can't change this law." He said quietly.
Severus sighed and sat back down, his head in his hands.
"I suppose you're right. But… It just feels like there should be something we can do to stop it. That I can do." He sighed.
"I know you want to help Hermione," Snape looked up sharply and the smallest of smiles tugged at the corners of Albus's mouth. "but we just have to bid our time."
Severus nodded.
"And you best be going back to her. I see she's in her rooms." He finished, looking at the large Weasley-esque clock standing in his office that showed where each of his staff members were. The hand with Hermione's name o it was pointing at 'Own rooms'.
Severus didn't bother to ask how he knew about Hermione and himself. He didn't have time to fathom the mind of Albus Dumbledore.
----- 'You don't have to go it alone' -----
"Hermione?" he called into the silent room. "Hermione, are you there?" he looked around the lounge room, the small kitchen and her bedroom. He walked over to a door that led off from her bedroom into what he supposed was her bathroom.
"Hermione. Here you are." He said, standing next to her as she washed her hands. She smiled at him through the mirror and turned off the tap, turning around to wipe her hands on the towel. He smiled back, deciding whether to tell her about the law or not.
"How was it?" she asked.
"Hell, like usual." He sighed. She smiled sympathetically and hugged him again, like before he had left.
He rested his chin on her head, the brassy curls tickling his nose.
She looked up and kissed him richly, holding his head in her hands, running her fingers through his hair.
She felt like she had when she had cut herself earlier. She felt alive, real, she could feel it all. And she wanted more of this feeling, she wanted so much more.
She kissed him frantically, pulling on the buckle of his cloak.
"I think we may need to take that blood for the potion now. I don't know if I can wait much longer." She said huskily.
She wanted him so much.
His eyes widened. "Hermione…" he said, breaking the kiss. "Hermione, I don't know… I don't want to push you into anything…" he said, pulling her arms from around his neck to holding them at her sides. "I mean, I don't want to- What are these?" he asked, moving his hands up the smooth skin of her arms and coming across a series of cuts, some deep, some shallow, all the way up her forearm.
He picked one up and pulled back her shirt and cloak sleeve and gasped at what he saw. Red cuts, fresh and old, imbedded deep into her skin.
She cursed herself inwardly for forgetting to cast the glamour in her rush to clean herself up before he got back.
"Hermione, what are these?" he asked quietly, checking the other arm and finding it in the same state.
"Nothing, they're nothing, okay?" she hurriedly pulled down her sleeves and tried to push past him into the bedroom, but he blocked the door.
"They most certainly are not nothing." He said, holding her shoulders. "Hermione, why?" he asked her quietly.
"Just forget about them, okay? Just forget it! They aren't bad, I don't have to or anything. I'm not some sort of freak, you know!" she yelled, trying frantically to get past him.
"Hermione, you're not a freak! But you can't keep doing this to yourself. Please, just listen!" he said.
"No! I'm sick of listening! Everyone tells me to listen, and I'm sick of it! I'm sick of it all! I always have to sit back and let the grown ups, or the boys, do everything! I can't stand not helping, and I just sit there, and I can't feel anything! It's like I don't exist, like I'm not real! This proves that I am! Every time my nerves spark, or I feel it run, or it scabs, I know I'm here! It's not just all a dream, this is real. I'm real! And it feels good, Severus. It feels so damn good!" she started to cry, great shuddering sobs erupting from her.
He grabbed hold of her and hugged her tight as she sobbed, clutching her to him.
"But, but this isn't right! It's not healthy, and there are other ways to help you, make you feel good." He said quietly.
"I know it isn't right! I'm not right! I've never been right, never good enough." She said into his chest. He sat down slowly, pulling her with him. They sat like that for several minutes as she calmed down, and she ended up lying down with her head in his lap as he stroked her hair with one hand and held her shoulders with the other.
"You can't keep doing this…" he said quietly.
"I know." She answered quietly. "Every time I do it I think that, but it's like a drug. This great rush, it's like I'm addicted. I don't know of anything that feels better." She said.
"I know of a few…" he said after a moment.
She snorted. "Like what?"
"Well, what you were suggesting before isn't so bad." He smiled.
She gave a short laugh. "Are you hitting on me, Severus?" she asked.
"Oh, so we're back to that again, are we?" he asked.
They were silent a few more minutes before he said quietly "I think you had a point though, earlier. We should probably take your blood now. And not just, well, if we, um… But if you meet someone else and decide to…"
"What, Severus, can't say it?" she asked, sitting up and smirking at him.
"Sex, Severus, sex. Or would you rather me call it something else?" she said, sitting his lap. "'It'? Or something a little more technical, like fornicating, or copulating? Or good old terms like bang, or lay, or screw, or make love, or sleep together, or bonk, or maybe, just maybe…" she whispered into his ear. "Fuck." He shivered at hearing such a word escape her lips. "Say it, Severus. Say it with me." She whispered down his throat.
"Which one?" he asked, holding back a groan as she sucked on his pulse point.
"Any…" she whispered against his skin.
"Screw, lay… bang… Oh, god, Hermione-"
"I don't remember saying that…" she smirked.
"Make love, sleep together, sex…" he threw his head back and moaned as she continued to suck on his neck, her finger grazing his chest and waist under his cloak.
"For a virgin, you're very good at this…" he said huskily.
She looked up at him with a smug look on her face. "Say it. Say it for me. Please, Severus, say it." She pouted at him.
"Fuck…" he groaned. "Fuck, fuck, fuck… Oh good god, Hermione." He panted.
She stood up and moved out of the bathroom and he took a minute to compose himself before following her.
"What are you doing?" he asked her.
"Taking blood." She smirked.
He came up behind her and saw her use a thin knife from the kitchen to draw blood from a scar in her arm, dribbling the red liquid into a small vile.
"Enough?" she asked, holding up the vile to show him.
He nodded and she set it on the table, placing the knife in the sink of warm water.
"Now, where were we?" she asked, turning back to him. She pulled him closer, so that she was between him and the sink and pushed her hands through his black locks. "Here we are…" she whispered, kissing him again.
"Hermione, are you sure?" he asked, breaking apart. "I don't want to go too far- I might not be able to stop." He said.
"I'm sure. So sure. Never been surer of anything. Ever." She confirmed.
"Well, then, there's only one question. Here or in the bedroom?" he smirked.
"Or maybe up against the wall, or on the table, or in the bathroom, or on the washing machine." She smirked back.
"Washing machine?" he asked.
"Muggle invention. Not important." She said hurriedly. "So, where's it to be?"
"Well, there's be plenty of time for those later. I think we'll just stay where we are…" he said, kissing her neck. "Say it for me…" he said, smirking.
"I believe I already have." She said.
"Again, please…" he pleaded unbuttoning her white shirt slowly.
"Fuck… Fuck, fuck me." She smirked, tossing her head back. "Fuck me, Severus."
God, hearing her say those words. It was like an angel letting sweet obscenities slip from her tongue. And what she meant. Oh god, he wanted her.
"I will. I will, I will, I will, Hermione." He gasped, before kissing her again.
He pulled off her top, kissing down her chest and crouching in front of her pants, unbuckling them and pulling them down. She hopped onto the edge of the sink, starting to undo his cloak. His shirt and pants were soon discarded as well, and that answered the infamous 'briefs or boxers' question: boxers, and black satin ones at that.
She started feverishly kissing him again, pulling him as close as she could. He sucked on her neck whilst undoing her bra and she threw her head back.
"Severus…" she whispered, as he continued kissing her chest.
He stood back up to kiss her again, fingers tugging gently on the waist of her underwear.
She braced herself against the back edge of the sink and lifted up her waist so that he could pull them down.
She was now completely naked, and he was just in boxers (shoes had been discarded long ago). She was leaning against the wall behind the sink, her bum dipping into the warm water. She hooked her legs around his waist and pulled him as close as she could, leaning against him and holding him close.
"Are you sure?" he asked again, barely able to hold back.
"Yes"
'We fight all the time
You and I… that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need… I don't need t hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more'
Yes, I know, I promised nothing sexually explicit, but this isn't really. I could go further, and I just might, but I need some bloody good reviews in order to, so REVIEW DAMMIT!
cough
Anyway…
The ahem, positions they mentioned were from a COSMO (tacky, I know) article named 'How to get it on in every room in the house'. I cacked myself laughing at that one.
I also found 'diary of a pornstar' interesting (LARA! They stole your diary!).
But nothing is as 'interesting' as the thought of Snape in black satin boxers.
But there's enough about my sexual preferences, what about yours? I mean, no, don't, I'm disturbed enough already.
I can't think of much else to say, but there was something, and now I've forgotten… Bugger it!
Gimme a moment, lemme see if it comes to me…
OH! I remember now… You see, I wanted to put the self mutilation (cutting) in the warning, but that would've given away one of the plot 'twists'. And that just wouldn't do. So I figure if they are prepared to read R rated stories, then they should handle it. So there.
That's about it from me.
So, thanks for reading the fanfic so far (and my babbling before and after it) and review, my darlings!
Love Fred Depp. (sigh, I wish…)
GET THE FECKING CD!