Kathy POV

Wow, have I really been sitting out here this long? Daydreaming….ha, more like reliving everything. Elliot, you are an amazing lover. And you never even notice, at least seem not to notice the glances…from every woman alive. And you're mine….all mine. Body, heart, and soul. Can't believe he's almost forty….

Which reminds me. Gift. But what to get for the man that has it all. Hmm, maybe I'll get something for myself that doubles as a gift for him. I KNOW he'd love that. OH, and make Mom is remotely okay that the twins stay there…Maureen already said Kathleen could stay with her and Jason….oh, don't mention Jason when I tell Elliot where she is.

Funny thing is, he was never big on his birthday. But the kids were definitely into it. He always loved getting things that they made for him. But, they're all too old for that. I bet they think he just got rid of it, oh little do they know he keeps all of it in a big box in the back of our closet. Sometimes I catch him looking at it every now and again. He's a great father…even if he can't always be there.

My Elliot….gives everything to everyone, hardly leaves any for himself. Always work…be a good father….be a good husband…be a good Catholic….be a good man. Never just…..be. Well, once upon a time he was. I feel in love with that…so charming…that smile that still makes my knees weak. Those eyes that still consume me and that body, just gotten better.

Is it me? Am I the reason his worry began? We both used to be so carefree….then, well, Maureen. He gave up being young to be with me, forever….

But if that were true, wouldn't he be unhappy? Wouldn't he resent it all? He loves the kids, me….us….too much to resent it. He still looks at Maureen the same way he did since she was born.

Ha, I remember how scared he looked when I told him I was pregnant. He'd deny it…but that was fear. That conversation…just like yesterday….what do we do about it…smooth, Kath…very nice. Then that look from him…and then "let's get married. I love you…and my baby. Let's do it."

Have to admit, not really the proposal I had dreamed of. Not really the ceremony either…but I still think I made the right choice. He looked scared then too. The fear when he promised himself to me forever. I know he wanted to give me more, definitely a better ring.

It's funny, but….I really like this one. Reminds me that it's not about flashy diamonds; it's about love, as it should be. Hmm, wonder why he was asking me about my ring anyways? That sneak probably is thinking about upgrading. Not that I would hate it, but its not important….I guess a few months to figure that all out….

"Kathy….would you mind joining us in here?"

Oh, did he punch you….no. Well, interesting. "Uh, sure. Why not."

Wonder what this is all about. Ah, there you are blue eyes. Wow…comfy couch, for a lumpy on…I'd prefer Elliot's lap, but I guess beside him will do. Oh, thanks for the kiss. "So, what did you need me for Dr. Huang?"

"Elliot and I have been talking about you."

"Thought my ears were burning." Holding hands…but it does feel good to fell his hand against mine. I am wondering why…..why he feels the need to support me here…

"He said that he told you what was bothering him, about this case."

His voice, so soothing…."Yes, he did. It was…terrible. And that's the kinda of thing he sees everyday. And the fact that he keeps it all to himself. I really couldn't take all the shutting out. Even though its horrific. I wouldn't give back the story."

"Did it give you nightmares…..any violent manifestation of the story anytime?"

You assume I slept. "Actually, we really didn't sleep much last night."

"I was informed."

Bad Elliot! Hope you at least gave details…."I see. But….Elliot, I told you. I'm stronger than you think. I WANT you to tell me what bothers you…..not graphic detail, but at least what is troubling you. I know Olivia sees the same thing but, I'm your shoulder to cry on. God, the stories are the least of it. I just couldn't take it. A decade. A decade you've been keeping it all in." Say it out loud Kathy. "I was going to take our kids and leave, ….Really." Small tears, that's all…

"Kath…."

"Just. Listen. sigh I love you more than life itself, El. You couldn't believe the pain I'm in…because you push me away. I just can't live on the outside. More than anything…I just want you to confide in me." Deep breath, he can't here with you sobbing. "I….I thought….that you couldn't tell me because…you didn't trust me…like you used to. That you….didn't love me enough to….God, I still think you don't care like you used to."

"Baby, that's not true."

His hands trying to rub out all the pain in me, staring with my back. "Why would you? I used to be gorgeous. Four kids and twenty years….not been kind to me. I mean, I hardly ever wear make-up any more….I don't even know what to wear to make you look…our seventeen year old daughter has to help me…" God, I'm weak when it comet o you Elliot. I'm sorry.

"Kath, how….I had no idea." Just hold me and never let go. "I…don't know what to say."

"Try Elliot. Talk to her." Couching tips from the good doctor…thanks.

Wiping away my tears with those strong hands. "Honey, I've loved you since the first time I saw you. Loved you even more after we made love for the first time…and fell even deeper after each child was born. You are still amazing…and you look so damn awesome in clothes a high school kid would wear….impressive. Kathy, I couldn't imagine having any other woman in my life." Oh, a little tears… "And I wouldn't want to either."

Wow. That's….deep. I know my eyes are saying…tell me more…And those baby blues tell me that you're about to.

"sigh Sweetheart, you've given me a life I could only dream of. It's not been a fairy tale by any means and Lord only knows I've not made it any easier with my hours, the caseload…I just wanted to keep you and the kids safe and give you security. You know….every time they call for me, I'm scared. Scared that the next victim could be you…or…our kids. I look at those girls…and all I can see is OUR girls. And I hate it. Those thoughts eat me up inside….my emotions make me…"

"A good cop, El. You feel for them…and maybe they need a good man to care for them after what they went through."

Dr. Huang looks surprised, "She's right. It's when you stop feeling that you should worry."

Of course I'm right. I'm a woman. "And I know you love our kids. You're a wonderful father…really. And, um…I know you love the mother of your children….I'm just not sure you love…me. Just Katherine." How could you…I'm boring.

Why did he have to pull me into his arms again? Now I won't be able to hold back the tears… and don't wipe them away…just let them fall. Your heart is breaking for me…I can hear it. "It's alright baby…I know your hurt." Just like after a nightmare…but I need more than this…his voice, so hushed…soothing… "But you're wrong, Kath. I love you. Not just the mother of my children, that's just an added bonus. I love that sparkle in your eyes when you're really onto something. The way you laugh when I say something REALLY stupid. And you're so smart Kathy. You know so much about the world…you know, brains and beauty."

"Sure. Sure I am."

"EVEN if you don't think so, it's true. But what I love most about you is your heart. You're faith…you believe that you've got to do the best with the hand your dealt. We dealt ourselves this hand….we made a decision…and here we are. I know that some part of you thinks that I only married you because of Maureen, but I think she would have come along anyway."

"That's the beauty part of being a Catholic huh…" Can't believe I buy into that….

"This isn't about OUR faith Kath. You are the only person on Earth that has me whole. I prayed for you, for the longest time….I prayed that you were the one. I prayed that…you would forgive me for placing you in a terrible position. But mostly, even now I pray that you will always be there. All of the sick, twisted stuff I see everyday, it…takes something from me. A little piece of my heart goes to the victims. The pain, makes it hard to move on. But you. You can see it…even if I can't say it. You mend the gaps left…so I can be whole again. You are my everything and I need to know that you know that."

Sniff…… "Elliot…everything?" Is this real….gentle kisses, kissing away the sadness.

"Yeah. Everything. Sounds a little cheesy, but it's how I feel. Just, uh, don't tell any of my friends I said that."

A little humor to make it easier. "Deal." You're such a guy.

"How could you even think that I don't love you and just you? Especially after last night…"

"Technically last night…and this morning." I'm blushing….and so are you. But still, was very nice. "It's not just sex you know." But then again, I think I might die if I didn't get laid….at least…twice a week.

"So, what IS it all about?" Dr. Huang. I see why Elliot gets so affricated now…

Tell him baby "It's about…opening the car door, not cause she needs it but because I like to make her feel special. It's about glances from across the room…or at church, when we're supposed to be praying." I love that! "And, interlacing arms, and holding hands while we pray. Watching her with my daughters…plotting against me no less." Not all the time…"Sending flowers because it's Thursday. Dancing in the kitchen for no reason at all. Taking a nap on the couch on Saturday afternoon just to be close. Watching her sleep, and taking in the blessing I have. And holding her close at night, to breathe her into me."

All of that…just for me. I'm gonna cry…again. "Elliot…that was so….awesome. And I still won't tell your friends." There's that smile…God, I love to see him happy.

Another interruption. "Kathy, what's it all about for you? Surely you must have some other insights…"

To help you get inside his head…hell yeah I do. "Well, all of those things he said and." Deep breath…try not to sob. "Reaching over and grabbing his hand while he drives, just to make him smile. Fixing him dinner, even at one o'clock in the morning, because I want to make sure he eats. Watching basketball with him, just for an excuse to stay in his arms…and falling asleep on the couch, just so he'll carry me to bed. Watching him teach our son how to be a good man and showing our daughters what a husband and father should be like." I can't help but smile through the tears.

"Sitting across the room and not having to say a word, just smile. Rubbing his tense back, because I do owe him for countless number of foot rubs, and feeling him relax instantly with my touch. The way he smells when he's been working out…and the way he smells just out of the shower. When he holds me close and even him grabbing my ass in his sleep." Yeah, that saved it…

"So, it's a million different little things that make you two love each other. Elliot?"

"Madly."

Undress me a little more with your eyes, will ya. "Deeply. And, uh, I'm sorry I ever doubted you."

Again. Wow! I wish I could hold more air in my lungs, so I could stay in this kiss longer, but I need to breathe. Hey, has it really been an hour…Elliot, you've been paroled.

"Thank you Kathy for helping. Elliot…same time Friday?"

"Sure thing."

Oh, bonus points for helping me off the couch. Thank ya….even holding hands.

"It was very nice to talk with you Kathy."

"Very nice to talk with you George." Aww, holding the door….what a gentleman, that and he wants out of here.

There, out and free, quiet walk to the elevator…."So, painless?"

"Remotely. Could have been worse. But, uh, it was good to talk. Everything out I the open…..felt good."

"I'm glad."

"You're full of it. If you're glad…then look me in the eye and say that. Can't like to me, Kath….kinda my job to separate the truth from the lies."

I hate that you're right. Hmm, some of the pain is gone, but maybe its different pain, like sad you hurt me…"I'm glad…that you know what I'm thinking. Finally."

"And I'm sorry I hurt you. I just wish you'd said something."

"You're not the only one who can shut people out, El." And that's the truth. You know that….

"If this is what being shut out feels like….I never wanna do it again."

"Makes two of us."

Elevator, took long enough…you lead me…I'll let ya. Oh, especially with that kiss. And you know, I don't care who sees. I love you….and I hope the whole world knows it.