Title: Don't Drink the Water
Series/status: Complete
Author: Merlin7 and M.N. Talbert (aka Kodiak Bear Country)
Genre: Adventure, humor, H/C
Warnings: None
Season/Spoilers: Set in season one
Summary: When Major Sheppard and Doctor McKay sample a native drink, they get more than they bargained for.
Archive: Ask! Otherwise, and SGAHC
Disclaimer: We don't own them, we aren't paid for our fun, and our only hope is you enjoy reading the story as much as we enjoyed writing it!

AN: This was a fic we wrote a while back and posted on the SGAHC list. Its taken me a while to get it up here, but it is complete, and I'll be posting parts as fast as I can.

Don't Drink the Water

"This is about as backwater as it gets," Mckay grouched. "Teyla, these people can't possibly have anything of use to Atlantis."

Teyla, who was walking beside Major Sheppard, smiled at the ground, knowing that Doctor McKay's irritation lie with the fact that they'd had to leave the Jumper home this trip out, and hike the five miles to the village. The native Iskalan people distrusted the technology. "They have food, Doctor, and eskalab."

"Eskalab?" Ford asked, puzzled.

Sheppard leaned towards Ford, whispering conspiratorially, "Think coffee, Ford, very strong coffee."

"Again, you don't need an astrophysicist to gather agricultural stuff. Don't we have a horticulturist for that?"

Sheppard turned around, but continued walking forward, something that probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, but he figured Teyla would catch him if he tripped. "Look, McKay, we've been through this before. You're a member of my team, and if we go out, you go out." Share the love, he thought wryly, because this glorified coffee run wasn't sitting well with him either.

"Cheer up, Doctor McKay, Teyla said the village has a fountain that is an amazing work of art and technology," Ford beamed. What he neglected to say, was that it was built off a hot spring, and the smell would knock you back a week. Sulfur at it's best. He couldn't wait to see the look on McKay's face when he caught the first whiff.

They fell into steady conversation ranging from the tall prairie like grasses that covered the ground, to the state of Kavanagh's obsession with the length of his ponytail. Soon, a little girl and boy came running alongside them, and the village crested in the horizon. Sheppard smiled, and offered an easy going "Hello".

The little girl smiled shyly back, and the little boy, the two may have been twins, grabbed him on the leg, eagerly tugging him towards the village. "Friendly, aren't they," he hollered back to the others, as the kids dragged him ahead of the rest.

Teyla laughed. "Very much so, Major."

Rodney shuddered. "Kids," he said woefully. "I don't like kids."

Ford clapped McKay on the back. "Don't worry, McKay. They don't like you much either."

"Ha ha."

"Get up here!" Sheppard shouted to his straggling team. The kids were still pulling him mercilessly towards the village center. He'd given up resisting and was going with the flow.

They were greeted warmly by the Iskalans, the leader, Jeram, was particularly pleased to see Teyla. "We thought your people were taken by the Wraith," Jeram said. "We tried to contact you for trade, and found your village empty, and destroyed."

Teyla hadn't been back since the culling. The culling that she, herself, had been captured in. She told Jeram about the disaster that had befallen her people, and how the people of Atlantis had rescued her and the others, and given them sanctuary. She left out the part where Major Sheppard woke the Wraith, setting them out against the galactic inhabitants earlier than most were prepared for.

Jeram was reserved, not overly distrustful, but cautious. "So you wish to trade, Major Sheppard?"

John tried to disengage one of the youngsters from his leg. "Yes, uh, Jeram. You see, we need food, and we've got a lot to offer."

"Like what, Major? Our people do not need the things you possess," Jeram was staring pointedly at the Major's P90 strapped to his chest.

Sheppard shifted uncomfortably. This was the part he kept screwing up. He looked to Teyla for rescue. She took Jeram's arm genially, and directed him towards a building she must have known about from her previous visits. "The people of Atlantis have medicines that would help your children, Jeram. They also can help with farming techniques. Could we discuss this elsewhere?"

McKay had remained uncharacteristically silent, and Sheppard saw why when he glanced back. Rodney was being stared down by the twins that had finally released Sheppard, and he was 

"McKay!" Sheppard shouted, stern. "Knock it off!"

Rodney flashed a guilty look that quickly changed to one of righteous indignation. "Major, you should've seen what that little "

Sheppard's face clouded like thunder, "McKay!"

"Major?" Teyla prodded, waiting with Jeram, who was smiling, appearing to enjoy the Major's predicament. Great.

"We're coming, aren't we?" Sheppard stressed, more for McKay's benefit than anyone else.

Ford, taking pity on his commanding officer, grabbed Rodney's arm, as he went to follow the rest of the group into the building. "Coming," he called. "Be nice, Doctor McKay," Ford said under his breath. "Or you won't get your eskalab beans." The threat wasn't an idle one, and Ford knew it. Everyone on Atlantis was well aware that McKay was working overtime in his lab searching for some way of producing a coffee alternative.

"Why is it," McKay hissed quietly, as they were hustled into chairs around an oblong table in the room, "That kids get to be as nasty as they want, and I've got to be nice?"

Sheppard had overhead his comment to Ford, and as he sat next to McKay, he whispered back, "Because they're kids, McKay." As John unhooked his weapon, to fit at the table better, he couldn't help but think this was going to be a long day.