Saturday, August 5

0800

Mulder's Tent

Mulder jerked awake to his alarm clock bleeping loudly. He slammed down on the snooze alarm and relaxed. Somehow Scully had stayed asleep. He smiled and kissed her lightly on the back of the head. She shifted slightly but didn't wake.

He suddenly realized something. It was Saturday. He didn't know why he had set his alarm. He knew that he would have to work, especially after they got the results back from Phoenix, but his favorite thing about working on Saturdays was making the local law enforcement feel bad about disturbing him. With that thought in mind, he switched off the alarm.

Scully shifted again and woke up. She instantly stiffened when she realized where she was.

"Shh. It's ok, Scully. It's only me," Mulder whispered comfortingly. He did eternal cartwheels when she almost instantly relaxed.

"Mmm," she replied, moving further into his arms. "That's good."

Mulder smiled widely. "Yes, it is. It's very good."

"I love you," she mumbled before falling asleep again.

This time Mulder stiffened. She couldn't have known what she said. It was impossible. Unless, of course, she meant only as friends, but even that didn't seem possible. After all, only a few weeks ago when he had said the same thing and she had said oh, brother (quote-unquote). So she really couldn't have meant it. But he had to know.

"Scully," he whispered, shaking her slightly. She didn't respond. "Scully," he said a little louder, shook her a little harder.

"What?" she asked groggily, still mostly asleep.

"What's the last thing you said?"

Scully woke up a little more. "What're you talking about?"

"Before you fell asleep, what was the last thing you said?"

"Uhhh . . . That's good?"

Mulder let out the breath he was holding. "Ok."

"Why? Did I say something in my sleep?"

"No, of course not. Go back to sleep," he said.

She did.

Mulder felt his insides knot up. He knew that Scully didn't know that she said that. He knew it. But he had gotten his hopes up anyway and now that she crushed them, he felt like he was going to cry. But he wasn't going to. Not again.

Besides, he thought almost frantically, she never said that she didn't love me, only that she didn't say that she loved me. So her subconscious must know that she's in love with me, even if she doesn't. Or maybe she does, but she's afraid. God knows I am. Whatever the case, it's encouraging.

Mulder closed his eyes and tried to fall back asleep, but he was too awake by now. He thought about getting up but quickly dismissed the idea. He wouldn't be able to have Scully this close to him again, most likely, and he wanted it to last as long as possible. So instead of moving, he pulled Scully closer.

Saturday, August 5

0950

Mulder's Tent

Mulder woke up to Delore's voice. He sat up groggily; he hadn't even known that he had fallen asleep. Then he heard Scully's voice and realized that she must be talking to him. The results from Phoenix had probably come back. Mulder got up, threw on a shirt (I hadn't realized that I wasn't wearing a shirt when Scully was with me, he thought absent-mindedly) and went outside.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"Well, it seems that Agent Scully was right," Delore said. "It's a mix of rattlesnake venom and poison arrow frog poison."

"But that's impossible," Mulder said.

"Apparently not," Scully said, frowning slightly. "I need to take one of the bodies to Phoenix because I don't want them flown and nobody else will drive them. You stay here and find out what you can. You can ask The Lone Gunmen if there have been any reports of things like this around, alright?"

"Yeah, sure," Mulder replied.

Scully looked at him skeptically. "You're still asleep, aren't you?"

"What?"

Scully sighed. She turned to Delore. "I'll meet you at your office at ten fifteen, ten thirty. Everything will be ready by then?"

"It sure will, Agent Scully," he said, went back to his car and drove off.

Scully gently pushed Mulder back inside the tent. "I'm going to Phoenix with the body of Vincent Anders. You'll stay here and do some more research. I'd call The Lone Gunmen if I were you, ok?"

"Ok."

Scully looked concerned. "Mulder, what's going on?"

"What do you mean?" Mulder asked.

"You seem sort of depressed."

Shit. I hadn't thought that she could read me that well. "I'm fine," he said.

Scully walked over to him and put her hands on his neck. "Are you sure? Because I don't want you hiding anything from me."

"I'm not," Mulder assured her. I'm just omitting certain details, he added silently.

Scully sighed and kissed him on his forehead as she so often did. "Please tell me what's going on."

Mulder thought for a couple of milliseconds before leaning down and kissing Scully. Oh, god, he thought. This is . . . heaven. For a few moments Scully didn't do anything but then she quickly kissed him back before pulling away.

"We can't do this," she said.

"Why not?" Mulder asked. "It could work fine. You said yourself that we're best friends."

"That's not the issue, Mulder," Scully said, turning away. "I have to go. I'll see you later today or tomorrow."

"Scully, wait." But she was already in the car driving away.

Saturday, August 5

1344

Phoenix Field Office, Analysis Office

"Agent Scully, did you hear anything I just said?"

Scully was jolted out of her thoughts and looked at the man in front of her. Dr . . . Dr something. She couldn't remember his name. She couldn't remember, in fact, anything that he said.

"No, I'm sorry," she said. "I have a lot of things on my mind."

"I noticed," he said dryly. "I was just telling you that if you could get a specimen of what this poison came from, it would be extremely valuable."

"We're working on it," Scully said, wondering what Mulder was doing right now.

"You'll let us know if there are any more victims or anything else that could be of use?"

"Of course," she replied.

"Well, until we have a specimen, there isn't much else we can do," the doctor said.

"Thank you for your help," Scully said and left.

Saturday, August 5

2200

Scully's Motel Room

Scully was lying naked on her back on the motel bed. There wasn't any reason that she was staying overnight in Phoenix other than she didn't want to have to face Mulder. Why can't he see that we can't be together? she asked herself, running a hand through her still-damp hair from the shower that she had just taken.

Her cell phone rang.

Scully groaned and reached over to answer it.

"Scully," she said.

"Are you staying over in Phoenix?" Mulder asked.

"Yeah," she replied. "I'm sick of driving." It was the first thing that came to mind.

"There isn't anything new here," he said.

"Or here. They need a specimen."

"So do we."

There was silence for a few moments.

"What are you thinking?" Mulder asked.

Scully was surprised. "I'm wondering why you can't see that we can't be together."

"I'm wondering why you can't see that we can be together."

"Mulder, we can't, and if you thought about it, you'd know that."

"Do you love me?"

"Mulder, there is no point in-"

"I don't care. Please, Scully, just answer the question."

"Why?"

"Because I have to know."

"No, you don't." Scully sighed. "It will only lead to more pain."

"Well I think you should know that I love you."

"I already knew that."

"I know you did, but I thought that I should tell you again."

"Thanks. I really needed that." Scully bit her lip. She didn't need to make this anymore of a big deal than it already was. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to come out so meanly. Thank you for telling me again. For reminding me."

"You don't have to lie," Mulder snapped. "If you really don't want to hear any more about it, all you have to do is say so."

"I think we should finish this conversation."

"Why?"

"If we don't, then we'll go around with build up frustration and anger. Our relationship will diminish and we won't be able to be friends anymore, which I really don't want. We have to talk this out."

"Our relationship's already gone, Scully. You know that."

"Why? Why is it gone? Why can't we still be friends?"

"Why? You're asking me why we can't still be friends?" Mulder yelled. "Well I'll tell you why! Because I'm in love with you and I've been so since I first saw you! And you don't love me." His voice broke and he started crying. "Because I can't stand to be around you when I know you don't feel the same way about me. It hurts too much. It's like a knife twisting in my stomach. I love you so much and I just can't stand this."

"Mulder," Scully started but choked on her own words. She was crying too hard to speak. They both were.

"I love you," Mulder eventually said. "And I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm sorry."

"It's ok," Scully replied, wiping away her tears with her free hand. "I know how you feel."

"You do?"

"Yeah."

"How?"

"Because I love you, too." Shit. I hadn't meant to say that.

"You do?"

"Yeah."

"So why can't we be together?"

"The government-"

"No, Scully. They aren't stopping us. Why can't we be together?"

"Because I love you."

"And I love you."

"But I'm scared."

"That's ok."

"No. No, Mulder. It's not. You keep on saying that I can wait until I'm ready for things. I'm not ready for this. And please don't say we can't be friends until I'm ready. That's blackmail and a cruel, cruel thing to do."

"We can be friends."

"Thank you."

"I'd do anything for you."

"I know you would."

"Scully?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For loving me."

"You never have to thank me for that."

"Yes I do."

"It's not a decision I make. If it is, then you would thank me for it, but it's not. It's just the way I'm built."

"I like the way you're built."

"I like the way you're built, too."

"Scully, I'd love to talk to you all night long, but I'm exhausted and the batteries on my cell phone are wearing down."

"Alright. Goodnight, Mulder."

"Goodnight, Scully. I love you."

"No. Please don't say that."

"But I do."

"I know you do but I can't deal with it now. I told you that. Not at this point in my life."

"Alright."

"Goodnight. And goodbye."

"Goodbye."

Scully hung up and sighed loudly. She was tired. And felt like she was about to faint. That was probably the most difficult conversation she had ever had.

I'll feel better after a nice, long rest, she thought to herself as she climbed beneath the covers. Scully fell asleep almost instantly.

Saturday, August 5

2230

Mulder's Tent

He was crying again. He didn't want to be, but he just didn't have enough energy to hold them back anymore. Scully loved him, or so she said, but it didn't make a bit of difference. She couldn't be with him; she was afraid. And, in Mulder's mind, that meant that she didn't trust him. There wasn't anything that could possibly hurt more than Scully not trusting him.

Mulder took a deep, shaky breath and wiped his tears away. He would not cry, dammit! Not anymore. He had other things to deal with . . . things that he really didn't want anything to do with right now. But the fact was, ever since Scully said that she loved him, he had been getting harder and harder. And he had absolutely no desire to take a cold shower. But he also had no desire to jerk himself off. All he wanted to do was fall asleep, but he didn't think that was an option at the moment.

Mulder did try, though. He tried very hard. But his erection was proving to be an incredible distraction. Every time it brushed up against his pants or the sleeping bag, he had to bite his lip - hard - not to gasp. No matter what position he was in, it always seemed to find something to touch.

So that's how Mulder ended up lying on his back with his penis in hand.

It'll be quick, he told himself. Just so I can get to sleep.

And it was, though mainly because he was so aroused, not because of will power. It actually would have been much harder to make it go slowly. It was only a minute or two before Mulder jerked and then collapsed again, spent. He was presented with the slight problem of messy hands, but wiped them off on a dirty shirt, making a mental note to wash it later.

He fell asleep quickly.