I am still in shock. I've barely eaten or slept for a week I haven't come into work or seen anyone other than Foaly, who is staying with me. He's worried, and it's not easy to worry that centaur about anything other than Koboi.
Foaly opens the door and sits down next to me. He takes a cardboard box out of a bag marked DiMarina's, my favorite restaurant. More than a little on the expensive side, but Foaly knew how much it meant to me.
"Eat," he says softly and hands me the carton. I open it and the smell of the food makes me want to throw up. I close it and hand it back to him. "Holly, you have to eat. You'll get sick otherwise, and Root wouldn't want that."
Julius. The elf who had been my commander for too many years to count. The elf who had been my best friend besides Foaly. The elf who I had long ago fallen in love with. And now he is gone. So I eat, picking at the tasteless food which makes me gag. I do it for Root. And I remember.
I was sitting on couch with a bag of chips and the TV on, enjoying a long-awaited Friday night. I was feeling pretty good; a little tired, but still good. The phone rang and I answered, expecting Foaly, probably with some new invention.
"Holly?"
The voice all too familiar and I sat up as if he had entered the room. "Yes, sir?"
"Well . . . What are you doing tomorrow night?" Root asked.
"Tomorrow night?" I echoed, unable to say anything else. Was there any chance that this could possibly be a date?
"Yes, tomorrow night," he replied, sounding stiff.
"Uhh . . . Nothing, why?" In fact, Foaly and I had been planning on going to see whatever movie was showing, but I could blow him off. He would understand.
"My sister Rebecca had reservations at DiMarina's, but she had to go to Atlanta for work so she gave them to me. So . . . Would you like to go?"
"Yeah, sure," I replied, trying to keep my voice steady. It was a date. At least sort of.
"Great. Can I pick you up at quarter of six?"
"Yeah." I gave him my address.
"Be well," he said.
"Be well," I replied and hung up. Be well, he had said. I wondered if he knew how much the informal goodbye meant to me.
I finish the food and put the empty carton on my coffee table. Foaly calls to me from the kitchen, asking if I want anything to drink. I tell him no. He comes back, bringing me a mug of chamomile tea. I drink it to please him, because I know he cares about me. It makes me sad to see him like this, but I can't seem to do anything about it. I feel stuck, like I might die if I got off my couch to do anything other than use the bathroom or go to bed.
"Holly?" Foaly asks.
"What?"
He pauses. "I'm worried about you," he says eventually.
"I know," I reply. "You're not very good at hiding your emotions."
Foaly smiles slightly. "No, I suppose not."
I think he's going to suggest that I see a psychiatrist, and he's probably right. But I still don't want to leave the safety of my couch. I realize that he's been talking and I ask him to say it again.
Foaly sighs. "You need to do something. Anything. It doesn't matter what. We could go for a walk, go out for dinner, or go to a movie. Maybe even to Atlantis for a weekend."
That reminds me of Julius' made-up sister, and I feel tears welling up in my eyes. I pray for them to fall; I haven't cried since he died and I have a vague idea that this isn't a good thing, and that if I could just shed a single tear, everything would be alright. But I can't. So I fall into my memories again, to a place where Julius is alive.
The doorbell rang and I jumped. I walked slowly to answer it, a complete nervous wreck. I had never been to a restaurant that fancy, and I had thrown together my outfit at the last minute. And Root was taking me out to dinner.
I opened the door and tried not to gasp. Root was wearing a black suit and he looked absolutely stunning. I think that maybe we were staring at each other, because Root suddenly looked away, a little redder than he had been.
"Nice dress," he mumbled.
"Thank you," I replied. He was actually nervous. Taking me out made him nervous. I half guessed, half hoped that this was a good thing.
The ride was surprisingly short and Root took my hand to help me out of the car, making me feel giddy and foolish. Once inside, I tried to focus on the menu, but Root was distracting me. I wondered if he had any idea how good he looked.
Eventually I managed to find something that didn't seem too much like a walking heart attack and looked around the restaurant, sneaking glances at Root whenever I could. Then the waiter came, and a short while after the food. Root and I were making small talk, both of us nervous and uncomfortable.
After the nth uncomfortable silence, I finally blurted out, "Is this a date?"
Root looked at me, surprised, and then laughed. I had never heard him laugh before, and the sound sent shivers down my spine.
"Yes, I suppose so," he replied. "Is that alright with you?"
I smiled hugely at him, hoping I didn't look like too much of an idiot. "Yes, I suppose so. If you insist."
"I do."
I raised my glass in a toast. "Then here's to our first date."
"One of many," Root said softly, clinking his glass with mine.
I blushed, thrilled. I couldn't have planned a better night.
Conversation went smoothly from then on. About halfway through the meal, my big mouth made another appearance.
"You don't actually have a sister Rebecca, do you?" I asked.
"No," Root admitted. "Was it that obvious?"
I shook my head. "I was hoping, but that's all."
"You were?"
I smiled shyly and nodded.
Root and I lingered on my front step, neither of us wanting for me to go in. Eventually he worked up the nerve and kissed me. It was short, sweet and left me completely breathless.
"Be well," I whispered as I went inside.
"Be well," he replied.
"It's late," Foaly says. "You should go to bed."
I look at the clock and realize that it's almost noon. I have been thinking about our first date for almost two hours. I try to make myself feel disgusted, or at least surprised, but I can't. Time has been slipping by at an alarming rate since the accident, and I can't seem to care.
"Sleep with me," I say. The look on Foaly's face is comical, but I can't laugh. "Not like that. Share my bed. I can't stand another night alone."
Foaly looks delighted. So I was right. I knew that would make him feel better.
"I'd be delighted," he says, and we go to bed. I lie awake for what seems like seconds or days, thinking about the first night Root and I slept together.
Root sat next to me, an arm draped loosely around my shoulder. My head is resting on his chest and I'm almost asleep. We're almost through Titanic, and whatever made me want to watch a mudman movie is long gone. I'm bored silly and my mind is stuck on the love scene halfway through the movie.
Root and I have been going out for six months now and we still haven't had sex. I know how that sounds, and I'm all for taking it slow, but it's getting more than I can take. At night I can usually convince myself I don't mind, but during the day, when I'm lying in bed with only my fingers to keep me company, I feel like I'm going to explode.
So while on the screen Leonardo DiCaprio is turning blue, I turned to Root and kiss him as seductively as I could. He groaned into my mouth and returned the passion. Apparently I wasn't the only one who needed this.
We made it to the bedroom, but just barely. Clothes littered the hallway and the living room, and we were naked by the time he pushed me down on my bed. Root was gentle with me, and I wondered if I had told him once that I was a virgin. He seemed to know, and went slowly, almost maddeningly so. When I came, I called him by his first name, and since then, that's all he's ever been to me.
As we lay cooling, Julius still buried in me, he whispered that he loved me. Nobody had ever told me that before, and I started crying. He held me close to him and I managed to say that I loved him too.
As I wake up, I am greeted by a grinning Foaly.
"Coffee!" he says cheerfully, handing me a cup. Apparently he really thinks I'm getting better. I don't have the heart to change his mind, so I drink the stuff, grimacing as I try to keep it down. I'm not a big coffee drinker, and the only reason I keep it around is for when I really need it. I guess this is one of those times, and I am able to finish it.
"Do you want to go for a movie?" Foaly asks, pulling up a chair next to my bed.
"I . . ." I want to tell him that I'm not in the mood, that I don't feel good, anything to keep me from going. I can't image leaving my house yet, even for Foaly. "There's nothing I want to see," I say lamely. "But you can get something from the video store." I say this at his crestfallen expression and he brightens.
"I'll be back," he says.
Foaly returns shortly with Ever After, and I can't believe his poor taste. I consider yelling at him, but I decide it's not worth the effort and steel myself for an hour and a half of torture.
I'm ok until the end of the movie when Prince Henry introduces Danielle as his wife. Then I slide back into my memories.
"Marry me."
I turned to look at Julius. "What?"
"Marry me. I'm serious."
We're on a bus, coming home from a vacation in Atlanta. Root looks decidedly nervous and I decided that he was telling the truth.
"You are, aren't you?" I whispered, trailing a hand down his face. We've been together for three years, and I don't know why I was so surprised.
Julius smiled at me and reached into his pocked, taking out a black velvet box. He opened it and showed it to me. A diamond ring lay on white satin.
"Holly, marry me. Please."
"Yes," I whispered, and kissed him.
"Yes?" he asks, slipping the ring on my finger.
"Yes."
That night we stayed up very late, planning and making love, and I can't remember a happier time in my life.
The movie ends, and I wish again I had cried.
"Did you like it?" Foaly asks.
"For a mudman movie," I reply.
He smiles and nods, happy with my answer. I smile back; keeping Foaly happy is good.
"Are you sure you don't want to go out?" he asks.
"Yeah. I guess I'm still a little skittish around cars." And my short trip in reality ends as I slide into the night that I will never forget.
I was almost asleep when the phone rang. I would've fallen asleep a long time ago, but Julius had to stay late at a meeting and it was always hard for me to sleep without him by my side.
"Hello?" I said groggily.
"Mrs. Root?" a male voice said, and I shivered, suddenly sure something awful had happened.
"Yes, it's me," I replied. "Who is this?"
"I'm Officer Lark," he said. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. Your husband was the victim of a car accident . . ."
I only listened long enough to find out the name of the hospital. I hung up, got dressed as fast as I could, and sped the entire way to St. George's Hospital. By the time I got there, they told me that I shouldn't see Julius, because of the shape he was in. I flashed my badge and they let me through, a nameless doctor mumbling warnings on the way to his room.
When I went in, I saw what they meant. The bloody mess on the bed was barely recognizable as my husband. I sat down next to him, pulling a chair up. I didn't know how he could still be alive, but the monitor's showed his erratic heart beat.
I don't know how long I sat there watching him slip away from me until he opened his eyes.
"Julius," I said, stroking his cheek gently, not wanting to hurt him.
He tried to smile, and whispered something unintelligible.
"Shh," I whispered. "Don't try to talk."
He shook his head, and small flecks of blood flew onto the already soaked bed. I leaned in close as he whispered in my ear.
"I love you, Holly. Be well."
I am crying. I am in Foaly's arms and he is rocking me, whispering words of comfort. My tears are coursing down my cheeks, and I have never been more grateful to by crying.
I don't know how long it lasted, but when my tears finally stopped, I feel cleansed. The stone wedged in my heart is gone and while I still feel horrible, I don't feel insane anymore. I am well again. Some deep part of me is healed with the tears, and I know that I can go on living.
"Be well," I whisper to myself, and the transformation is complete. I am going to be ok.