AN: Hola. I realize formatting from Part 1 of this story was craaaaaaaap, and I'm sorry; it looked awesome in Microsoft Word. I'll try to do something different and a little bit more understandable.
THE BOONDOCK SAINTS IN FIFTEEN MINUTES PART TWO
Back at Rocco's apartment, post-Russian Boss Assassination.
Rocco: So, you're telling me you're just going to kill the people you think are evil?
Connor: Oh dude, hells yes.
Rocco: That's cool.
And Connor, Murphy and Rocco sit around Rocco's dining room table. They talk, eat pizza, smoke, drink liquor, play Nintendo, molest Rocco's cat, there is intense sexual frustration between all of them…
Rocco: I hate working for my boss. I should work with you guys. You're much hotter.
Connor: Damn straight.
Murphy: I used to be a Prada model.
Rocco's Cat: Meow.
Rocco: Yeah, I think I'm going to tell my boss to suck my dick.
Rocco's Cat: Meow.
Rocco: ((Hits table with his fists))
Rocco's gun: ((Goes off))
Rocco's Cat: ((Goes all over the wall))
This: ((Is the funniest scene in the whole movie.))
Everyone: OHMYFUCKINGGODWHATTHEFUCKWASTHAT?
Rocco: Is it dead?
Everyone: Did he really just ask that?
It is the next morning. Connor is having a conversation and a cigarette with Rocco.
Connor: They sent you into that room to kill nine people with six bullets. You don't think…?
Rocco: Nah, my boss wouldn't do that.
Murphy: ((Comes down)) Can you even do math?
Rocco: Shut up! I'm going to go kill those bastards! ((Walks off))
Many hours later, Rocco comes running back to the apartment.
Rocco: HOLY SHIT WE GOTTA GO! MY GIRLFRIEND SUCKS, I KILLED TWO GUYS IN BROAD DAYLIGHT AND WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE TO PREVENT A PLOT DEAD END!
Murphy: Aiight, dude.
They drive up to what is OBVIOUSLY an "adult entertainment location".
Rocco: We need to kill the guy who sold me out.
Connor: Why?
Rocco: Cause I know everything. We could kill everybody.
Connor: That's pretty sweet.
Okay. So it's late at night now. Porn Star guy gets out of the car at this OBVIOUS "adult entertainment location". By some miracle, three large men in dark coats get into the back dressing room with no trouble and leap into the "entertainment" room. There are parallel flashbacks to when the Saints do their little shindig and when Smecker pieces it together two hours later.
Rocco: Holy shit, this room is pink.
Connor and Murphy: ((Take out the Porn Star Guy))
The dancer: ((Passes out))
Her Boob: ((Is the biggest on-screen boob you have EVER SEEN.))
Rocco: Holy shit, this room is pink.Smecker: So they came in, popped a cap in this one guy's ass, then took out two other dudes. Why?
Greenly: I'm getting smarter, I swear. They were all bad guys! Bwaha!
Smecker: Hmm. Perhaps.
Rocco: Holy shit, this room is pink.
Connor: Okay, we're leaving now. Rocco's not getting over the pink thing.
Murphy: Hey, we're all in this huge, pink, fluffy porn room. You don't think maybe…
Connor: HOLYSHITABSOLUTELYNOT!
There is a blind dude wandering around the bathroom. Boss Yakavetta enters and starts talking to him.
Boss Yakavetta: H'okay, so, here's how it goes; Rocco's killing us and we want to kill him cause he knows everything and can kill everyone. Can you get me Il Duce?
Blind Dude: You sure you want him, kid?
Scene cut to a random Maximum Security Prison at a conveniently undisclosed location. Here we see a very hairy Sean Connery look alike ((Il Duce, kids)) who is chained to more chains chained to a platform with wheels and is pulled through more chained rooms. Holy crap, think this guy is into chains?
Blind Dude's Voice: He's a fuckin' monster.
The Audience: And he needs a fuckin' haircut.
Connor, Murphy and Rocco all sit in a coffee shop. This is so masculine.
Rocco: I know of another guy we can knock off.
Connor and Murphy: ((Intellectually sip their coffee)) Who?
Rocco: There was this one guy I had to drive around for a job. He was effing psycho. I knew if I didn't keep it together, it was my ass. He… he…
Connor: …Did he rape you, Rocco?
Rocco: NO!
Murphy: B.S.
Rocco: …((Turns bright red))
Connor: Okay. We'll do this guy. It'll make you feel a lot better.
It is the next day. Smecker is kneeling on the ground at a hot crime scene. It is OBVIOUS something big just went down. Forensics guys are crawling around everywhere. The CSI Theme plays in the background ((sort of)). In an amazing trick of writing, Smecker will be on screen as he explains what the Saints did as they do it. It is pretty sweet.
Smecker: The three waited in a parked car down the road.
Murphy: Let go of my silencer, Conner!
Conner: Oh, that's your silencer?
Smecker: They get out of the car and go into the house. They make the wife open the password-protected, bulletproof shed in the backyard. They all enter and shoot the shit out of everything. There are, like, nine guys. It's pretty sweet.
Everyone being shot at: ((Deer in the headlights))
Connor: Okay, now they're all dead. Where's your guy, Rocco?
Rocco: I don't fuckin' know! Ah, there he is in the bathroom! I kill you with a cue ball from the pool table, hahaa!
Murphy: How original. We shouldn't have bought you a gun.
Smecker: They exit through the front door. They had no idea what was coming!
The Audience: What? What was coming?
Smecker: It was an ambush!
Everyone In The Audience: NO!
Smecker: For a few seconds, this place was Armageddon!
Connor and Murphy and Rocco are staring at hairy Sean Connery look alike ((Il Duce, kids)). They draw their guns. Il Duce pulls back his coat to reveal a vest of six guns, and we are all very impressed.
Smecker: THERE WAS A FIREFIGHT!
The Audience: There was a what?
Smecker: THERE WAS A FIREFIGHT!
The Audience: …H'okay then.
The Mormon Tabernacle Choir: ((Sings a very martyr-ish song as Il Duce shoots at the three guys and as the three guys shoot back. It is intense.))
Il Duce: ((Runs away))
Murphy: Coward. Ow, I'm hit.
Connor: Ow, so am I. Let's all get steamy back at Rocco's, aye?
Smecker: So wait, they covered their blood with ammonia? What the fuck, who the fuck, why the fuck, what the fucking fuck did those fuckers… FUCK! ((Has a spasm in the bushes, and finds a finger.))
The Japanese Audience: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA.
The American Audience: …EW!
There is a montage of everyone sealing everyone else's wounds with a hot iron. This is not the NC-17 version. Meanwhile, back at the lab, Smecker fingerprints the finger he found on the ground and its kinda nasty. A picture of Rocco looking kind of like Jesus meets Sirius Black from Harry Potter shows up on the monitor and Smecker pieces it all together. He may be gay, but he's sharp.
We're now in a church. Things seem to be dragging at this point, but we have to make plot points now. It can't all be bang-bang, as sweet as that might be. Connor and Murphy go in to pray. Rocco watches from across the street as Smecker stumbles, drunk, out of an underground gay bar and into the church. Cause that's normal. He follows.
Smecker: ((Is snoring quite loudly in the confessional)).
The Priest: ((Goes into confessional, but it held at gunpoint by Rocco.)) Wtf?
Rocco: Okay, you're going to do what I say, got it?
The Priest: Maybe you're confusing me with a gas station attendant. All I got is this cross and these robes and these little boys-
Connor: ((Rips his hand into the confessional from behind Rocco)) Wtf? Let the Priest go, come on now.
Smecker: ((Wakes up)) Hola, Priest!
The Priest: ((Looks constipated)) Okay, what's up?
Smecker: So here's the deal; I'm supposed to lock up people who kill people, but there are these three guys running around killing people who kill people, and while that could be wrong I feel that it's totally fine. Am I justified?
The Priest: ((Still looks constipated)) Whatever, I'm with you. ((Mumbles)) getthisgunawayfrommyheadplease.
Smecker: So its okay to let these guys kill people.
The Priest: ((Looking more constipated than ever)) Yes, yes, it's cool, God's down with it. Get out of the church.
Smecker: Thanks, dude. ((Leaves.))
Connor: ((Lets go of Rocco)) You effing retard.
Rocco: ((Lets go of Priest)) Uh… sorry?
Scene cut! Connor is on a pay phone with Smecker.
Connor: It was one guy with six guns, and he looked like a hairy Sean Connery.
Smecker: Right, okay. What are you going to do now?
Connor: Eh. Pay a house call to Boss Yakavetta and take him out.
Smecker: Even though you should totally be arrested for killing at least twenty-one people, I'm going to let you roll with this.
Smecker is now having a conversation with Blind Dude.
Blind Dude: No one knows where Il Duce is cause he's the MAN, you know? Yakavetta really wants to kill Rocco, and he's scared, so he has all his men up at his house.
Smecker: Oh shit; Connor and Murphy and Rocco are all going to his house. I have a feeling this isn't going to be a wonderful slumber party.
Connor, Murphy and Rocco are all
handcuffed to chairs and are getting the mother-loving crap beat out
of them. We're all sad, because they might need reconstructive
facial surgery, and would they be as hot? Yakavetta Boss walks in and
shoots Rocco, and Connor and Murphy scream, and we're all kind of
sad, but we all feel this looming air of, 'maybe they all slept
together?' Hey, it's possible.
Yakavetta:
((Addresses his minions)) H'okay. Il Duce is still out there
somewhere, and I bet he's coming here looking for Rocco. So I'm
going to split and you guys deal with it, mkay?
After he leaves, a very hideous looking woman knocks on the door and some poor schmuck has to answer. She turns around and suddenly-
The Audience: HOLY SHIT ITS WILLEM DAFOE IN DRAG!
The Poor Schmuck: You don't want to come in here, babe.
Smecker: ((Feminine voice)) Your boss sent me over as entertainment.
The Audience: I DON'T THINK I'M COOL WITH THIS, WHATTHEFUCK IS HE DOING IN DRAG?
The Poor Schmuck: Uhh… Uhh…
Smecker: ((Puts a very manly hand to The Poor Schmuck's face))
The Audience: OH NO! OH NO!
Smecker: ((Kisses The Poor Schmuck.))
The Audience: NOOOOOOO!1111oneone ((Passes out))
The Poor Schmuck: Okay, come inside and I'll totally sex you up.
The Audience: ((Is still passed out))
Smecker: Oh baby, come to mama. ((Tries to seduce The Poor Schmuck.))
The Audience: Did Willem Dafoe have a gun to his head when he signed for this role?
Smecker: ((Kills The Poor Schmuck))
The Audience: …I still can't fucking believe he's in drag.
Smecker: ((Walks around killing people))
Il Duce: ((Knocks out Smecker))
Connor and Murphy: ((Place coins over Rocco's eyes and kneel in front of him, starting to pray.))
Il Duce: Check it, I'm very sneaky. Watch me sneak around this corner.
Connor and Murphy: And Shepherds we shall be, for thee, my Lord, for thee… ((They hear a gun uncock itself and they quickly turn around, guns raised.))
Il Duce: ((Puts away his guns.)) Power hath descended forth from thy hand…
Connor: Dude, you know our prayer.
Murphy: That's a family prayer. We wouldn't even teach Rocco.
The Audience: ……….Wait a second.
Il Duce: ((Holds Connor's and Murphy's faces in his hands.))
The Audience: GASP! IT'S THEIR DAD! Whoa. The irony.
Three months later. ((We know it's three months later because four entire seconds are devoted to a black screen declaring "Three months later". Whatever.)) Yakavetta Boss is on trial ((at last)), and we see Smecker ((the imprint of him in drag still scarring the audience horribly)) helping Il Duce, Connor and Murphy into the courthouse. They walk up stairs and bound into the room, guns drawn.
Murphy: Okay cop dudes, give me your guns.
Cop Dudes: Aw, damn.
Il Duce: H'okay everybody! This is my biggest speaking part in this whole movie! I may sound a bit Scottish, but these are my legitimate Irish kids, honest!
Smecker: ((Watches through a crack in the door))
Connor: Look kids! A monologue!
Murphy: Its wrong to kill people! And to prove this, we're going to kill this guy here!
Connor: We're totally justified in this too! God sent us, he did.
Smecker: I think we're pushing the vigilantisms a bit too much here, guys.
Connor, Murphy and Il Duce: ((Say the badass prayer, and each put a cap in the back of Yakavetta's head.))
Smecker: ((Flinch))
Later, at the Hall of Justice- I mean, a random hotel room where Connor, Murphy and Il Duce are just chilling…
Connor: ((Worried expression)) How far are we going to take this, Dad?
Il Duce: Well, I'm not going to stop until I come in yo- OH! You mean about the guns thing. As far as is needed, kiddo. ((Wink wink)).
The End Credits: This is Troy Duffy ((writer/director)) going around to random people he knows asking them to say random shit making it seeeeeeem like its really a newscast asking Bostontonians about the Saints' state of affairs. Its totally left open for a Boondock Saints Part Two, and that would be badass.
THE END.