.Disclaimer- Not mine but I love to borrow. Becca is of course mine.

Author's Note- If I wrote this well enough some of you may not want to read it. The violence and language are a bit much, so be warned. To those who expressed doubts about Becca's reaction to the rape. Trust me she is seriously mess up on several levels.

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CRAGEN"S STUDY

As Becca and Huang entered the study she said, "Just don't expect me to use the couch, I don't like clichés."

"Nor do I, Inspector." Huang smiled.

"Just Becca or Bec. Besides I quit the force, so I'm not an Inspector anymore."

"I'm sure like every other officer, your job became your identity. So even without the badge, you still think of yourself as Inspector Swan."

"Yeah, I guess so, Doc. I hope you're not like the shrinks the department has in Frisco. All they do is sit there and say 'I see' and 'How do you feel about that'."

"I see and how do you feel about that?" Huang laughed as she launched a pillow at him.

"Jesus, Doc, I like you. You're a smart ass like me." She deflated into a chair. "So where do we start. I mean you know the job and everything it entails so we don't need the preliminaries."

"Why don't you start wherever you feel comfortable, Becca."

"Okay, I guess it starts with the case. About eighteen months ago, my partner Ben Wyke and I caught a case with a real sicko perp. Psycho bastard was snatching little boys between 7 and 9 years old. He'd hold 'em five to ten days then dump them in water. Autopsy report said sodomy and post mortem castration, death by asphyxiation. Genitals were never found."

"So he was taking trophies." Huang observed with his usual demeanor of calm detachment.

"Yeah, that's the way we had him figured. Ben and I got command of the task force that was formed when the brass decided the heat from the press wasn't going away, figured we knew the case best. We had caught the first two Vics. Ben insisted on second chair, he was always doing that, pushing me out front. The smart ass would make noises like it the best position for checking out my ass, but he wanted the brass to notice me. Ben had been looking out for me since we met at the academy. He was my self-defense instructor. I found out later, he pushed for my gold shield and my assignment to sex crimes unit. My first partner was major asshole. He harassed me from day one, until one night, after about a year he cornered me in the shower at the PD gym, started feeling me up. So I broke his arm and his nose. Next day he transferred and a week later, Ben became my new partner. His request. Ben's first partner had become police chief, so he had serious juice. The parachute was definitely gold."

"How long were you partners."

"Eight years. I made Inspector at twenty-seven, youngest ever, only four years on the force. I 'saved' the chief Inspector's daughter from a mugging one night when I was still a uniform and after that things fell into place. Course the kid who tried to mug her was a wimp, she screamed, he ran, I caught him at the corner. Unfortunately the way I got the 'in' made the other guys on the unit take me for an affirmative action case."

"So you worked that much harder to prove that you deserved the gold shield. That must have added another level of stress to the job. Tell me more about the case."

"We had tracked this guy through 10 months and 5 Vics. He was slick, no fluids, no hair, just industrial carpet fibers on the Vics that we traced to about 800 buildings in 'Frisco proper alone. And like I said, he dumped them in water. Then about 8 months ago he starts sending me notes. Real psycho stuff, like how he would like me to watch him play with one of his 'lovers' as he called his Vics. How much he liked what I wore the day before, what I looked like at the gym, sick shit to let me know he was watching me. Not really surprising, the press liaison insisted I do at least one of the updates each week, so at first we figure him for some nut job hung up on the cop he sees on TV, in need of a shrink, but then the notes later contained information we hadn't released. We were pretty confidant it was the doer. Ben started insisting on driving me home, picking me up. He started sleeping on my couch after the perp left dead roses on my bed, the day we found victim six."

"The killer connected with you. It was no longer just about the victims anymore, it was about you also." Huang said.

"That's what our profiler said. I asked to be taken off the case but headquarters thought I was the best chance to catch the guy. So there I was, strung out on this case, the perp dogging me, and my partner mother henning me at every turn. One night at my apartment, Ben cracked wise one too many times about my love life and so I started trying to kick his ass. Not a smart move when your opponent is the department martial arts expert and outweighs you by 100 pounds. We wrestled around for about ten minutes and then suddenly I kissed him. I'd never thought of Ben in a sexual context and suddenly we were all over each other. I figured it was just a stress relief fuck, but the next morning when he walked into the kitchen and put his arms around me, it was like.. Jesus, it was like coming home. I didn't just sleep with my partner. I fell in love with him. He was a gruff, ill-tempered old bastard, with a face like granite and I was in love. Do you know, I never told him? It was like an unwritten rule with us. We never talked about love. We never made plans. Outside the apartment, it was like we had never crossed that line, we were still just partners. But when we closed that door, we were a couple. I connected with Ben on a level I've never known before. The intimacy went way beyond the sex. I never had to explain anything to him he just got it, he saw inside me. He knew me like no one else ever has."

She stared out the window and then she got up and began to pace. "Anyway, last month the perp snatched kid number 9. But he got careless, left some of his own blood at the scene. Unfortunately, he wasn't in the system. So we had a DNA profile we couldn't match and a kid with 5-10 days to live. Ben and I went four days without sleep. Then day five, we got a tip; a woman reported her neighbor had a kid with him that fit our Vic's description. Ben and I took off for the address, with backup of course. When we got there we heard shots from the house. We broke down the door and exchanged fire with the guy, but he managed to get away. We found the kid and the neighbor dead in the bedroom. Kid's genitals were on the floor beside him, with a note wrapped around them. It was addressed to me. He wrote that it was his gift to me, to prove his love. Owen Carson was one sick, sadistic fuck and he's still out there somewhere."

"You feel responsible for him getting away." Becca didn't notice that Huang was making a statement rather than asking a question. "Tell me about the rape, Becca."

"Not much to tell, I woke up in the back of a cab with a knife at my throat and the bastard's hand up my shirt. Happens everyday to someone, somewhere. No more or less than I deserved." She said the last as though she were speaking only to herself.

"You feel you deserved it, why?"

She gave him a 'go to hell' look. "No one deserves it, Doc. You know that as well as I do. So what the fuck is your point?"

"You just said it was no more or less than you deserved, why?"

"I never said that!" Becca denied vehemently.

"Becca, you didn't deserve to be punished for sleeping with your partner." Huang felt it was time to push the issue, to shake her from 'cop' mode and make her reconnect with the emotions she was trying so hard to suppress.

"I know that, it's not about sleeping with Ben. That doesn't make me feel guilty; not having his back does. I should have broken down his door; made him talk to me, made him listen. Instead I got pissed at my lover, I wasn't thinking like a partner, I was thinking like a girlfriend." Becca's voice was strained as she tried to hold on to the small amount of control she had left. "Christ, why didn't the asshole just finish it?" Becca whispered the question to the ceiling.

"Finish what, Becca?" Huang felt she was close to letting the control go. "He had the knife at my throat, why didn't he just use it?"

"You wanted the rapist to kill you, why?"

"At least the dream would stop." She wasn't really speaking to Huang anymore. His questions were only prompts to the conversation with herself.

"What dream?" George asked softly.

"Ben's talking to me and he's holding out his hands and I reach for him. But he puts the kid in my arms and he's all bloody and cold and he asks me why, why didn't I stop Carson? Then Ben asks me why I slept with Mitch. Then Carson's standing behind me and Ben's on a table and I've got Carson's knife. Carson puts his hand over mine and we start cutting Ben. There's blood everywhere and Ben just keeps saying he loves me and Carson's telling me to show Ben how much I love him. Ben has his gun and I tell him to shoot. Just shoot the bastard now! And Ben shoots me, but the bullet goes through like I'm not there and I keep cutting and screaming at him to shoot. Then he turns the gun on himself and I feel the bullet. So now I'm on the table and Ben's got the knife and I feel everything. Ben kisses me and we in bed making love and it's so good. I reach up to kiss him as I come but it's not Ben, it's Carson and his knife is inside me. That's when I wake up screaming."

"How long have you been having this dream, Becca?"

"Since Ben killed himself. Before that I dreamed about the kid. But I always dream about the Vics, when they're kids."

"Why did you use the knife on Ben in the dream?" Huang quietly moved closer to the door, feeling she might try to physically run from the pain she was dredging up.

"I wanted him to hurt. I wanted to hurt him the way he hurt me." Becca turned toward the window.

"How did Ben hurt you? What did he do?"

"He shut me out he wouldn't talk to me."

"What didn't he want to talk about?" George asked.

She let out a shaky slow breath, then inhaled as if she were trying to take in the courage to speak instead of air.

"We both got administrative leave, until psych could clear us. Ben saw the shrink on Friday and went home to his place. He didn't call or come over so I went to see him on Saturday morning. He wouldn't let me in or even open the door. I was so pissed. I went home and when Mitch Evans, one of the guys I went to the academy with called and asked me out, I said yes. I did it to get back at Ben for shutting me out. I got to the Mitch's apartment that night and we never even made it out the door, I jumped him as soon as I got inside." Becca stopped in front of the window, shaking, her fists clenched. Her voice was tight and bleak.

"I went to Ben's Sunday morning to confront him, to rub his nose in every graphic detail. When I got there, there were units and a meat wagon. I flashed my badge as I ran inside. There he was, slumped on the couch, blood everywhere and the back of his head splattered on the wall. The son of a bitch left me alone! He coped out on me! No note, no explanation, he just put his Glock in his mouth and…"

Her eyes were open wide. She stopped trembling and suddenly slammed her fist through the window and stood, blood dripping from her hand, screaming, tears streaming down her face. Huang pulled her into his arms and held her. He backed up to the couch and sat down, pulling her down beside him, putting pressure on the cut.

Elliot came into the room almost before the sound of breaking glass died away. Don and Olivia were close behind him. When Don saw the blood he headed for the bathroom coming back with a first aid kit. Elliot took George's place beside Becca, comforting her while George bandaged the cut.

For several minutes, no one spoke. The only sounds were Elliot's murmuring and Becca's agonizing, heart-wrenching sobs. After the bandage was taped, Huang motioned Don and Olivia out of the room.

They entered the kitchen and Huang poured himself some coffee. Don looked haggard.

"God, George, how do I help her with this? She's right, it is a train wreck."

"She'll do the work on her own, Don. She made a major break through tonight. She expressed her anger at her partner. The hardest thing for a person in the grief process to do is express anger at a loved one for dying. Add to that anger, her guilt feelings about the child and not stopping her partner and she has a lot to deal with."

"But the kid wasn't her fault and her partner wouldn't even see her." Olivia protested.

"How often do you agonize over the ones you couldn't save, Olivia? Better yet, ask Elliot about Ray Bevins, there is a prime example of feelings of guilt for failing to save someone from himself or herself. I think of all of us, Elliot can best understand what Becca is going through."

"You're right, George." Elliot leaned against the doorjamb. "She's asleep. I put her in the bedroom across from the study, Don."

"Thanks, Elliot. So George, what now?"

"Let her sleep as long as she can, but she shouldn't be alone. I don't believe she's suicidal, but she is very fragile emotionally at the moment. Whoever's with her should just listen if she wants to talk. Prompt her gently but don't push. Any pushing at this point could send her over the edge."

"Don, I'll stay tonight so you can sleep." Elliot volunteered.

"I'll set her up a therapy schedule tomorrow." George said. "It won't be easy but once she begins to process her anger, she'll be better able to deal with things. She's quite tough, actually."

"What about the rape? We have to question her again." Olivia asked.

"Amazingly enough that is probably a safe topic." Huang answered.

"Safe?" Olivia was shocked "How can that be a safe subject?"

"With all the emotional trauma Becca has already experienced, the rape is almost a minor issue for her right now. What I mean by tough is that on the rape issue she has already dealt with the possibility. Like all of us there are certain shocks she is mentally prepared for and others she is not. She has dealt with sexually based crimes for eight years. The trauma of rape and its aftermath are known quantities for her, although not on a personal level until now. This allows her to understand the very things that rape victims have the most difficulty dealing with. The usual guilt feelings are not there, she knows that she did not 'invite or entice' the rapist. Questioning of sexuality is not an issue, she is fully aware that it is a crime of violence. The slowness of the judicial system is also a known factor. I believe she will handle the aftermath comparatively well. But she probably won't truly begin to deal with it until she has dealt with the issues that she had before the attack. That is provided we can help her deal with those more immediate emotional concerns."

"How can I help her?" Cragen asked.

"Captain, it's a case of 'we', not just you. You've been there for us, we're here for you." Olivia put an arm around Cragen, as Elliot nodded his agreement.

"We're here for you, Cap." He said.

"Thank you both." Don hugged Olivia with one arm and reached over to put a hand on Elliot's shoulder. "So what do 'we' do now, George?"

"The best thing right now is to be there, listen. Don't guide the conversation let her do that. Just hear what she needs to say. No pushing on the subject of her partner. She's traversing an emotional mine field right now, push in the wrong direction and things could explode."

"On that note, I'm calling for take out. Chinese okay with everyone?" They all nodded.

THREE A.M.

Becca woke with a gasp and sat up heart pounding. Looking around she remembered where she was. She got out of bed and headed for the kitchen. Stabler sat at the table staring into a cup.

"You know, that's what I hate about those things, you have to watch them every second." She grinned at him.

"So you finally decided to surface huh. Want some coffee?" He got up to get another.

"Oh yeah, caffeine the drug of choice. Anything to eat around here, I'm starved."

"Don ordered you moo goo gai pan."

"Yum, Cappie knows my weakness. So what are you still doing here?" She grabbed the take out and shoved it in the microwave.

"Huang didn't think you should be alone and Don looked like he'd gone a round with Tyson, so I volunteered to stay."

"I'm not gonna off myself, not anymore. I may be crazy but I'm not a wimp. I go out, I want it to count for something. Ben wimped out, he couldn't hack it. You know that's what I don't get, Ben's the last guy I'd figure to eat it. He might have hated the idea of a desk but, I can't believe he'd kill himself over it." The bell rang and she brought the plate to the table. Elliot handed her a coffee and sat back down.

"Maybe guilt over losing the kid?"

"We didn't lose the kid. We never had him." She shook her head. "No, it doesn't ring true. I just don't get it. What kept him from talking to me, telling me, I don't know, anything. Goodbye, kiss my ass, anything. It was so not Ben. He talked shit to death. Used to drive me nuts, analyzing shit, himself, Vics, our perps and me. Damn man was a fucking shrink at heart. No way it makes sense for him to do himself." She attacked the plate like a ravenous wolf.

"Sometimes there isn't a reason or an explanation. Sometimes things just crash on you like a wave and you're caught in the undertow." Elliot observed.

"Been there, done that. Ben pulled me up once. Saved my ass from eating one."

"So that's what you meant by 'not anymore'." Elliot said. Becca finished the food and pushed the plate back, lit a cigarette and stared at the ceiling.

"There was a time I was right on the edge, foot in the air for the last step. Have you ever been that close, Elliot?"

He shook his head. "Close but not that close."

She sat quietly for a minute, smoking. When she spoke, her voice was low and intense. She seemed to be talking to herself.

" It can be seductive. Looking out at oblivion. You sit there in the dark and there's your gun. You're thinking about all the shit you have to see, thinking about transferring or quitting. But you know you can't unsee, you can go to another unit, even stop being a cop but it won't make it end, you'll carry all of them, forever. Every victim you couldn't save. Every one that was dead or damaged before you got there. You can't go back any more than the Vic can be unraped. So you pick up your piece and you hold it. Caress it like a lover. The cool metal feels comforting against your skin when you're that far gone. You close your eyes and put the gun in your mouth and it's so quiet in the house. You hear your breathing like a roaring tornado. You taste the gun oil, bitter but sweet too. You got everything ready, note written, paid all your bills, will on file at the lawyer's office. The next step would be so easy. No more pain, no more anger, no more seeing."

She took another draw. Her eyes focused on Stabler, who was watching her intently. "Fortunately, I had a partner who knew how much I could take. He had a feeling the little girl we found raped and murdered that morning was one too many. He didn't even knock, just used his key, I didn't hear him come in. Next thing I know the gun is out of my hand and Ben is holding me. Telling me if I do it he'll bring me back so he can shoot me himself. I did the shrink thing for two years after that, it helped. I'm not that person now. I still walk the edge; you can't help it in our job. It's either, take it in or become cold, dead inside. Me, I take it in, sometimes too deep. But the drop no longer looks inviting."

She took another draw. "You know what really turned that tide. Ben. He told me that going down in the line of duty or living to retire was the only thing that could stop the pain. Any other way and you had eternity to explain to the ones that you weren't around to save why you weren't there. He knew me so well. Knew just what could pull me back. I couldn't turn away. I couldn't leave the job undone. No matter the cost, no matter the sacrifice, I had to do the job. To protect and to serve. I guess it sounds corny to some, but that shit means a lot to me." Becca downed the last of her coffee and put out the cigarette.

"You play poker, Stabler?" She smiled as if she hadn't just been describing her own attempted suicide.

"Yeah."

"Well find the deck, cause I'm gonna spank your ass like a child."

"I only play for money."

"Show me the color, stud. Cause I got an itch to lighten your wallet."

"Think you can play with the big boys, little girl."

"Watch and learn, babe. Momma's gonna school ya. Hey, does Cappie still smoke cigars?"

"Occasionally, why?"

"Cause I'm snatching one. You want?"

"No thanks I gave up the habit."

"Pity we don't have some scotch. I got a twenty year old bottle in my stuff, but I left it all in a locker at JFK."

"Where you were running to, Becca?"

"Don't know, wherever the wind took me, maybe Majorca, Rio, hell maybe just New Jersey, anywhere that wasn't where I was I guess. But you know what they say."

"Wherever you go, there you are." The two said in unison and started laughing.

Don came into the kitchen smiling at them. "Do I need to separate you two to get the noise level down?"

"Sorry Dad, we'll be good." Elliot mimed a pout. "Want to join us for some poker, Cap?"

"No way! I've played this girl before; she's brutal and relentless. Don't count on having anything left in your wallet when the game's over."

"Who me?" Becca batted her eyes at both men innocently. "Now a jack is better than an ace, right?"

"I'm warning you, Elliot, that sweet innocent face hides a true card sharp. We kicked her out of the weekly game when she was twenty. The last time I played with her it was penny ante and she took me for twenty bucks."

"Ooh! Spanked, big time. I think I can take her, Cap. She don't look so tough to me."

"Famous last words, Stabler. Just don't ask me to buy you lunch the rest of the week." Cragen sat down. "This I have to see."

"Cappie, where are the cigars?" Becca asked.

"In the study, humidor on the desk. Becca, ladies shouldn't smoke those."

"Oh Cappie you are so Victorian sometimes. Besides I'm no lady I'm a cop." She left to get the smoke.

"Anything?" Cragen asked after she was out of sight.

"Something Huang might find interesting, but later, Cap." Elliot said.

Becca came back in the room with a lit cigar and a tray of poker chips. She took the deck from Elliot and shuffled. "Let the carnage commence. Five card stud nothing wild. And I'll go easy on you, Stabler. Penny ante and we settle for half. I figure you won't lose more than ten bucks. After all, I wouldn't want you to go hungry."

FIVE A.M.
Elliot threw down his hand. "I fold. That's it for me, I've got to go home and get dressed for work. What do I owe you?"

Becca looked up with a twinkle in her eye. "Twelve fifty. I could carry you till Friday night and play you again."

"Invite Fin, Munch, and Olivia to play too. It would be worth losing again to watch you take down Munch."

Cragen stood. "I have to get ready for work. Becca, you want to go out for breakfast?"
"Well unless you've turned into a total bachelor with nothing in the fridge, I'll cook while you shower. Coffee, omelet, toast, and hash browns. Want to join us, Stabler?"

"Sure why not."

Don stopped in the doorway. "You're trying to fatten me up, Becca. Or is it butter me up."

"Well I'd really like to borrow the car, Dad." She wheedled like a teenager. "Seriously, I need to go out to JFK and get my bags. That is if you and Doc will let me out by myself."

"You could ride out with Olivia and I, we have to go check out your 'hack'. See if anyone at the cabstands recognizes the description. He may have gone trolling for another Vic." Elliot said.

Becca's eyes lit up, Don recognized the look. "No police work for you young lady, you are not NYPD. "

"Yes sir, Captain." She mocked a salute then pouted. "You know how much I love chasing scumbags. You never let me have any fun."

TBC