Disclaimer: MASH went off the air four years before I was born, thus making it slightly impossible for me to own it.
A Reminder
"When I wake up, remind me to give you a kiss." BJ had been half asleep when he said it, and Hawkeye had simply smiled and told him to go back to sleep. As much as he wanted to do so, Hawkeye knew he couldn't really ask BJ to kiss him, even if he had just gone to the front lines in his place.
Hawkeye sighed, staring at the ceiling of the tent. He had just bequeathed to Erin Hunnicutt a list of patients her father had treated, so that she might understand "why he could not be around" in those first few years of her life. As much as Hawkeye had meant that, and as much as he hated the war, it hurt him to think about the moment he would have to return BJ to Mill Valley. Hawkeye knew that he had no right to phrase it that way, as though he had a claim or lease on the man, as Beej was already married and in love with Peg. BJ was taken and that was that. But as long as they were in Korea together, Hawkeye could love him with less guilt. He could treasure every moment they spent together. Hawkeye caught himself reacting like a schoolgirl, hopelessly adoring BJ, savoring every time they touched for any reason, even when the circumstances were less-than-ideal and one was clinging to the other for his sanity.
Hawkeye was deeply touched that BJ had offered to kiss him, but he knew he could not accept. He was in love with BJ, but BJ was not his to love. He closed his eyes, attempting to sleep after such a horrifying night, but could not sleep for the image of his Beej swimming beneath his eyelids. Eventually, however exhaustion swept over him and he slept, dreaming, of course, of BJ.
Hawkeye dreamed that he was sitting on BJ's lap, and they were holding each other tightly, and neither was upset or needing comfort. They were happy, wrapped together because that was what both of them wanted. He had been about to say something, but he couldn't remember what; he was too distracted by the joy of being with Beej, with his Beej. But just as he was laying his head on Beej's shoulder, a woman entered, young and blonde and pretty … it was Peg, BJ's Peg, distracting him from Hawkeye, who fell roughly from his embrace as he rushed towards his wife, leaving Hawkeye alone with the war, alone with the shelling … and then he was back at Battalion Aide, covered in blood and doggedly performing surgery as the wooden ceiling fell apart overhead … Hawkeye began to shake with fear, afraid for his life and completely alone ….
Someone was shaking him, gently but insistently. Hawkeye felt a pair of strong hands grip first his shoulders and then his cheeks. Hawkeye faintly heard his name as someone stroked his hair, and then when BJ said his name, "Hawk," in an almost authoritative voice, his eyes snapped open.
Hawkeye stared at the man across from him. He couldn't say he had never thought about BJ cupping his face, but in his imagination the reasons for it had been less painful. "Beej …" he said weakly. There was no need to say more.
BJ seemed to be studying Hawkeye. If Hawkeye didn't know better, Beej was steeling himself to do something … and he was utterly shocked as BJ leaned in and softly kissed him on the lips.
Hawkeye froze, wondering if this could possibly be real, and when he felt BJ's tongue prying his mouth open, he decided he was convinced and responded passionately. When they broke apart he felt himself flush red, afraid that he had been too quick to show how ecstatic he was. Holding back a sigh, he managed to ask, "Since when is tonsil hockey your brand of comfort?"
BJ laughed. "Since when are you shy about asking for what you want, especially after it's been offered to you?"
Hawkeye's eyes widened, taken aback. "What?"
"I told you to remind me to give you a kiss," BJ said, smiling at Hawkeye, "and you didn't."
"Beej, I've only been awake for about two minutes. What made you think I wouldn't ask?"
BJ grinned, and moved one of his hands upward to run his fingers through Hawkeye's hair. "Simple. I know you. You love me, but are afraid to act on it because you know that I'm married to Peg."
Hawkeye sat bolt upright, fully awake now and half-frightened. "What – what makes you think that?"
"Hawkeye, I've seen you drunk more than anyone else has, and let's just say you admit various things you normally wouldn't. It didn't bother me … and then, when I found out that my best friend, the incomparable surgeon and prankster, who has been my whole life for the last two years, had to go to the front lines and had possibly been killed because I wanted to get a stupid haircut, I think my heart might have stopped a little. And I thought that, as soon as said surgeon and prankster, if he's alive, returns from what I know to be absolute hell, I should probably tell him that those feelings he admitted to are … are not unreturned."
"What?" Hawkeye gasped, unable to believe what BJ had just told him. It was a lot of information to take in all at once, and he had not expected a word of it. Finally, he choked out, "Beej … your wife? Where does she come into this, exactly?"
"I love her," BJ said absently, raking his fingers through Hawkeye's hair and down to neck, making him shiver just a bit. "But I also love you, and I can't continue pretending otherwise. For now, I want to hold you, if you don't mind. You look shaken up."
"Wouldn't you be? Look, Beej, I'm not going to pretend you didn't just fulfill one of my deepest fantasies, but … you love your wife. I can't … I can't let do this; I'm sorry."
BJ sighed. "I won't make you do anything you don't want to. What gives me pause is that I know you want to. At the rate this war's going we'll be stuck here covered in blood for God knows how long. You're here, and I love you, and I want to hold you and make this place a little more bearable for us both. You going to Battalion Aide made me think about it. I thought you were dead, and I realized that, if I saw you again, I had to quit kidding myself. As long as I'm here with you, I want to live each day like it's our last."
And in that statement Hawkeye realized that BJ was not making him any promises for the future, but at the same time was not absolutely ruling out that there could be a future. The future simply wasn't on the table. What was at stake was the present, and in the present, BJ loved Hawkeye. "All right," he said in mock defeat. "Hold me. And if you don't mind, continue doing what you're doing, 'cause it feels good."
"I think I can manage that," BJ said, sitting down behind Hawkeye and wrapping his arms about him. Hawkeye sighed and shifted positions, so that he was on sitting on BJ's lap, just as he had been in his dream.
There would be no Peg to interrupt them, and when inevitably she did appear, they would be home again. Marriage or no marriage, BJ was never going to leave Hawkeye alone with the war.
For now, that was good enough, and Hawkeye leaned back to rest his head on BJ's shoulder, contented.
FINIS