A/N: It continues… WARNING: discussion of Suicide.
Classes, Cases, and Chambers
3.
"It was not a good day." Olivia's chin quivered as she spoke.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Alex looked into Olivia's eyes, there was a new look there, Alex couldn't quite place it.
Olivia shook her head, "No not just yet, I just want to sit down and maybe try to eat something. I need to take some medication." She gestured toward her jacket that was laying in a heap on the floor.
Alex released Olivia and bent down and to pick up the jacket. When she saw the shoulder she gasped. "Oh God." She whispered. She looked back at Olivia who was still standing there, head down. She gathered the things out of the pocket and they left to the kitchen. Olivia sat down hard with a sigh. Alex scooped some pasta and sauce onto the plate in front of Olivia and some onto her own plate. Olivia took a few bites of pasta and bread, then she twisted open the various bottles of medication and took them with the water that was sitting at her place. Alex watched as the scene played out across the table. She took a few bites of food herself.
When Olivia was finished with the water she placed her head in her hands and shut her eyes. Alex finished picking at her food then started clearing. The whole time she kept a watchful eye on Olivia. She really wanted to hear what was wrong, but she knew better then to push, Olivia would talk when she was ready. As Alex put the last dish on the drying rack, Olivia moved.
"I…" Olivia took off toward the bathroom. She didn't quite make it. She sat on the floor in the bathroom. Crying in frustration and sickness.
Alex was moving toward the bathroom when she heard the sound of Olivia getting sick. She paused in the doorway, she really wished that Olivia would talk about the day. She quietly got a cool wet washcloth and brushed it carefully over Olivia's face cleaning her up. Then she got another damp cloth and placed it on her head. She set about cleaning up the floor, it only took a few moments. After washing her hands she turned back to the detective on the floor.
"Shhh, it will all be okay." She sat down next to Olivia gathering her up in her arms. Her heart was breaking for this woman.
"No, no it won't. I can't do this anymore Alex." Olivia cried into the embrace.
"Do what Honey?" Alex asked softly as she soothingly ran her hand through Liv's hair.
"The job." Olivia tried to move and look Alex in the eyes.
"No Liv. You're so good at what you do." She looked Liv back in the eyes.
"Alex, I… I just don't think I can anymore. It takes too much of me."
"What else would you do?" Alex asked kindly.
"I… I don't know yet." Olivia looked away, she never thought of being anything other then a cop, helping the helpless victims.
"Maybe you should just take some real time off."
"That's what Cragen said."
"Well he is right."
"We'll see."
Alex leaned in to hug Olivia and accidentally brushed the bandages beneath her shirt.
Olivia cried out in pain.
"Liv, are you going to tell me what happened today?" she asked softly.
Olivia looked at Alex for a moment, deciding how she wanted to tell her. She let out a shaky sigh then started.
"El and I took a call after your class. The woman didn't want our help. She had been raped, her apartment broken into and raped. We got into the building and found her apartment. She pulled a gun on her self, shot herself……. In the leg. As I moved forward, in one swift motion, she got a shot off toward me before she lay the gun down for good. The bullet grazed my jacket… it didn't do much damage to my shoulder really, mostly just a burn and a slight graze. My jacket took the brunt of it, but you saw that already."
Olivia looked up at Alex as she finished. Alex had tears silently rolling down her cheeks.
"I'm so sorry Alex, I should have called you, told you as soon as I walked in, something. I just, Alex I don't know. I'm so sorry." Olivia started crying again. She hated being this vulnerable.
"Shhh, Liv it will be okay, everything will turn out okay." She stroked Olivia's back as tears continued to stream down her face.
"Alex, she shot herself because she didn't think there was anyway we could help her. Warner found out that she had a long history of abuse against her, physical and sexual, probably emotional too. She shot at me, because I tried to help. Alex I don't know if I can do this anymore."
"Olivia, think of all the people you have helped that have been grateful. The cases that have been successful. Olivia think of all the people that will not be helped if you quit."
"There are other SVU Detectives."
"No Olivia, there is only one Detective Benson, you care, you care about the victims you care about the justice that they deserve and you care about their emotions. Not a lot of detectives share that passion. You get it, you understand. Don't throw this away because one victim didn't want your help."
"I don't know."
"Well how about you don't make any decisions while your taking that really strong pain meds okay." Alex said before kissing the top of Olivia's head.
"Okay."
"Come on why don't you get in the shower and I'll tuck you into bed before I go home." Alex started to help Olivia up.
"Alex?" Olivia looked down at the floor, gripping the sink counter.
"Hmm?"
"Can you stay tonight, I don't want to be alone."
"Sure, of course." Alex rubbed a small circle against Olivia's back.
Olivia nodded, the medicine was making her head heavy. She didn't feel so bad at work, but the adrenaline of searching for the answers had also worn off.
"Come on I'll help you." Alex moved to turn on and adjust the water.
She then turned toward the detective who still had a death grip on the counter. She undid the buttons to Olivia's shirt and removed it carefully to not disrupt her shoulder. She then undid her belt and Olivia stepped out of her pants and underwear. Alex unclipped Olivia's bra and dropped it with the other clothes. She tested the water and helped Olivia step into the shower.
Olivia let the water hit her face. The spray felt good trickling down her body. It reminded her that she was indeed still alive, tears slipped out of her eyes, she didn't think that she had anymore tears left in her. She was so wrapped up in the feel of the spray that it startled her when the soapy washcloth was placed on her back. She jumped slightly.
Alex had entered the shower too and was carefully lathering up the detective. When she was finished with that she shampooed Olivia's hair and then positioned her under the water to rinse off.
Olivia let Alex tend to her, she was emotionally and physically exhausted. As Alex massaged the shampoo into her hair she enjoyed the sensation of someone else washing her hair. It sent relaxing waves over her entire body.
Alex reached around the detective and twisted the knobs of the shower off. She then grabbed one of the fluffy towels off the rack. She wrapped Olivia in one and patted her dry before grabbing a second one for herself and patted herself dry.
This wasn't exactly how Alex imagined their first shower to be like, but she was happy that she could help Olivia. Contrary to the water-cooler talk that she was sure was happening at the precinct between the other detectives behind Alex and Olivia's back, they had not actually been "sleeping" together, or living together. Alex stayed the night on occasion, but they still each had their own lives. They had been taking it slow since the morning that they were so rudely interrupted by the alarm clock. They had been enjoying getting to know one another on all levels. Dealing with life as it came their way. Alex mused, while she changed the bandage on Olivia's shoulder, wincing internally as she saw the ruined skin.
Alex directed the two of them into the bedroom. She pulled out some clothes for Olivia and helped her into them, then pulled a bag that she kept some extra clothes for herself, when she occasionally stayed the night and dressed herself.
Olivia climbed into bed and Alex tucked her in. She then went back out and turned out all the lights and cleaned up from the shower before returning to the bedroom. She climbed into bed and pulled Olivia close.
"Thank you." Olivia finally whispered before falling asleep, in the arms of Alex.
/3 in the morning/
Alex awoke suddenly, she was confused for a moment. The evening quickly replayed in that moment.
Olivia was still sleeping, shaking in her sleep. That was what woke Alex. She gathered Olivia closer to her and threw the blankets back up over them. Olivia continued to shake.
"Shh, Liv, it will be okay, shh, rest quietly." She lightly rubbed Olivia's arms and back as she spoke softly, trying to calm the other woman.
Olivia slowly calmed down. Alex drifted back into a light sleep. She understood now the look in Olivia's eyes earlier in the evening. It was the look that used to great Alex when she was in Witness Protection, early on.
/6 in the morning/
Alex woke again. Olivia had kicked all the blankets to the floor. Alex sighed and climbed out of bed. She gathered up the bedclothes and carefully tucked them back around Olivia. Then she went to the kitchen for a glass of juice. As she was leaning on the counter thinking a card caught her attention. Dr. Mays' card, it said you could call as early as 6 am on Monday and Wednesdays. Alex picked it up and turned it over, giving it a few flicks of her finger, in thought, before reaching for the phone.
"Dr. Mays' office, how may I help you."
"Hello I was wondering if I could make an appointment for my friend this afternoon."
"Let me see. We have an opening tomorrow at 2pm."
"Is there anyway she could get in today."
"Dr. Mays keeps an hour for emergency appointments but those are reserved for only certain groups of patients."
"Ah, I see." She was uncertain if Olivia was in any of those categories.
"Would you like to speak to Dr. Mays she just walked in."
"Sure." Alex heard the muffled sounds of talking before the phone was handed over.
"Hello I'm Dr. Mays, you want to make an appointment for a friend."
"Yes, I believe she is a patient of yours."
"What is your name?"
"Alexandra Cabot."
"Hold on a second, Alexandra."
A few moments passed.
"Okay who is your friend?" Dr. Mays asked politely.
"Olivia Benson." Alex normally would be getting irritated but she knew what the Doctor was doing.
"Ahh yes, of course, she can come in at 3, is everything okay. She has you down on her privacy contract."
"Oh really, hmm, well Dr. Mays I'm not so sure, she doesn't know I've made this appointment, she is sleeping finally."
"Oh I see, well we'll talk when she gets here. Thank you for looking out for her."
"No thank you. I'll bring her in myself this afternoon."
"Alright see you later, bye."
"Bye."
Alex hung up the phone and finished her juice, it was warm. She placed the glass in the sink and ventured back to the bedroom.
Olivia was still sleeping so Alex went to take a shower and change. After pulling her hair on top of her head she checked again on Olivia. Finding her still sleeping, somewhat peacefully she went to make another call.
"Hello."
"Liz?"
"What can I do for you Alex."
"I was wondering if I could take most of the day."
"Are you sick?"
"No, I just need a personal day."
"You have court at 1, correct." Liz asked almost curtly
"Yes and I'll be able to make it."
"Alright fine, make it to court and you are set."
"Thanks Liz."
"You're welcome, and Alex…"
"Yes?"
"Take care of her." Liz hung up.
Alex stared at the phone for a minute and shook her head, with a smile, before putting the phone back on the cradle. No sooner had her hand left the phone did it ring, she snatched it up on the half ring, hoping it didn't wake Olivia.
"Hello."
"Alex?" A voice asked.
"Hi Don." Alex said with a smile.
"Is Olivia okay?"
"She is sleeping right now. We had a rough night." Alex sighed.
"I figured as much. She was actually pretty quiet when she finally left last night." Cragen said in a fatherly tone.
"Yeah she filled me in on what happened. It took a while but she got through it. I'm not so sure how much more of this she can take Don. I'm worried about her, she's talking of quitting. But I also know that this is her life's work."
"She talked about that before she left here last night. I told her to take some time. Well I have to get back to work, El just came back. I can assume that you are taking most of the day off. Keep her safe Alex, she's special. So are you." Cragen told her before hanging up.
What was it with people hanging up before she could tell them she would take care of her.
On return to the bedroom she found Olivia starting to stir. She sat on the edge of the bed and placed a hand on her back. Olivia buried her head in the pillow before opening her eyes and looking at the blonde.
"Shouldn't you be getting ready for work?" Olivia asked through a yawn.
"I only have to go in for court at 1 I'm all your's the rest of the day." Alex smiled down as she softly rubbed Olivia's back.
"That's not necessary." Olivia said into the pillow.
Alex stopped rubbing Olivia's back.
"Well if you're going to stay." Olivia playfully wined.
Alex resumed rubbing Olivia's back. Olivia smiled into the pillow.
"I made you an appointment for Dr. Mays," Alex mentally readied herself for anything Olivia might throw at her.
"Oh, I see." Olivia sat up, wincing a little as her shoulder moved slightly. "Why did you do that. I could have done it for myself." She looks at Alex, fire in her eyes.
"Look Olivia, I'm just trying to look out for you, I think it would be a good idea if you saw Dr. Mays today, I'm worried about you."
Olivia took a moment at looked into Alex eyes. The fire in her own vanished as she saw the compassion looking back at her.
"Okay, I'll go."
/Later in the day/
Alex and Olivia sat in the car on the way to Dr. Mays' office. The court proceeding should have only taken about 40 minutes had ended up lasting an hour and 15 minutes. This new defense attorney was driving Alex crazy. She even saw Judge Petrovsky roll her eyes once during his explanation of why he needed the house key in evidence, there was no need for it, and it had no barring on the case what so ever. If anything it proved that the defendant did rape the woman, because he could have gotten in the house. Alex just shook her head, returning her attention back to the task at hand; maneuvering through the first wave of rush hour traffic.
She pulled up in front of Dr. Mays office at 2:50 and dropped Olivia off while she proceeded to look for a parking place. After driving around the parking lot and garage for 5 minutes she found one, and ran into the building, it took her another few minutes to locate Dr. Mays office.
Olivia signed in when she got there. The receptionist smiled and thanked her giving her the canned response that Dr. Mays would be right with her. Olivia nodded and sunk into one of the uncomfortable waiting room chairs. She glanced at her watch and wondered what was taking Alex so long.
Olivia rested her elbow on the arm of the chair and placed her head in her hand, slouching into the hard-backed chair. She let the arm of her injured shoulder rest on her lap.
Alex came into the office then, taking a seat next to Olivia. She reached and picked up Olivia's hand. Olivia smiled weakly at Alex, she occupied her mind by playing with Alex's fingers, she loved how delicate they looked but how strong they really were.
Dr. Mays' stuck her head out of her office.
"Olivia."
As Olivia got up to follow the doctor Alex gave her hand a quick squeeze.
Olivia immediately sunk into the big black leather chair. Dr. Mays made her way around to her own chair.
"So Olivia, Alex made this appointment for you today. Do you have any idea why that might be."
Olivia shrugged, but winced at the action.
"What happened yesterday?"
"We had a bad case…" Olivia filled Dr. Mays in on what happened the previous day.
"Olivia, Olivia I want you to look at me." Dr. Mays tired to verbally draw the detective's eyes up.
"Olivia, you couldn't have done anything more. You tired to help, she did not want it. Sometimes there are people who just do not want help. Even in my profession."
"I just don't think that I can do this job anymore, everyone keeps telling me to take some real vacation time and not make any decisions while I'm on pain meds." Olivia pointed to her shoulder for more emphasis.
"Who is everyone?" Dr. Mays tilted her head to the side as she questioned Olivia.
"Alex and Captain Cragen." Olivia sighed.
"What do you think, do you think that a vacation would help."
"It might, but the job will still be here when I get back." Olivia shifted in her chair.
"What would you do if you were to stop working with SVU?"
"Maybe I would be a detective in another unit." She played with her hands.
"Olivia, what does your heart say, don't listen to your mind, just your heart."
"My heart says… that I was put here to help the victims that the SVU deals with. When I help someone I feel good. When I testify about the evidence I feel like I've made difference. When a perp is found guilty and the victim given a piece of mind, I feel like I've done my job."
"What do you feel like right now?"
"I feel like I'm lost inside myself. My nightmares are back….. they never left really. I feel like I can't carry on in this track at this time. I feel useless, scared, helpless. I don't like feeling vulnerable."
"Hmmm, Olivia I think I know what is happening here."
Olivia looked at Dr. Mays waiting for her to continue.
"I think that you are suffering from what we would call Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It most likely has been brought on by the job. The things that you see everyday is rough on a person's stress levels. Now the events that have taken place in the last few weeks or month would not be connected to the PTSD, however they aren't really helping your situation. PTSD is not diagnosed until symptoms have presented themselves three months after the event or events. Do you understand?"
Olivia nodded.
"Now from what you tell about your mother, there might be some familial links to depression. I would probably say that your mother would have had problems even if she was not raped. So this could be classic depression that has been fueled by the events of the last while. Also it could be a combination of a lot of things."
Olivia nodded again, this was a lot to take in.
"We have to make some decisions. We can treat this with medication, it will take some time to get the dosages right. We would continue the therapy also. Or we just continue with therapy. However I highly recommend the medication, there is great success rates with it."
"I… this is a lot to think about. I'm not sure really what all this means. I get it I think, but its confusing. Are you saying I've had something wrong with me for a long time?"
"What I'm saying is the potential may have been there, but the events of the past few months, maybe years, have taken a toll on you."
Olivia rubbed her hand through her hair, "can… can Alex come in here?"
"If you want." Olivia nodded. "Okay let me just step out."
Dr. Mays went back out into the waiting room. Alex had been reading an outdated news magazine when she heard the door open, she looked up expecting to see Olivia but instead saw Dr. Mays.
"Alexandra Cabot?" Dr. Mays looked at her, she was the only one in the room.
"Yes." Alex answered as she stood, placing the magazine back on the side table.
"Could you come in here." Dr. Mays gestured toward the door.
"Of course," they both went in to the room.
Alex took a seat in the chair next to Olivia and Dr. Mays returned to her spot.
Dr. Mays and Olivia filled Alex in on the diagnosis and options.
Alex turned to Olivia when the explanation was complete.
"I knew last night, I saw something in your eyes I couldn't place, then later I remembered where I had seen it… when I was in the program I was diagnoses with PTSD from the shooting. I don't talk about it anymore because I wanted to leave it in the program, they eased me off the meds not long before I found out I could return, so it was easy to leave. The look in your eyes last night was the same look that use to greet me in the mornings before I got help, the feds paid for it."
"I never knew."
"The point was to leave it out, I just wanted to move away from it, however, Olivia the meds are a good thing, its hard at first but they help as you work through it."
"Okay."
"Olivia, ultimately it is your choice but I know that you have people that will help you no matter what you want to do. It will not effect your work, if anything once we get the medication on the right track you should be all set." Dr. Mays said after watching the exchange between the two women.
"Alright, lets do this I guess, I know in my heart that I need to help people and I can't help them the way I feel most of the time."
"Okay," Dr. Mays moved around her desk and unlocked some doors. "I'm starting you on a sampler of this anti depressant. Take two of these pills in the morning every day for the next 4 days, these are low dosage. After 4 days we will evaluate you, we will have to check blood work and all that fun stuff to make sure that it is not doing things it shouldn't be. We will adjust according to how you feel and how your tests come back. Okay?"
"Okay, thank you." Olivia said taking the packets.
"Thank you Doctor." Alex shook her hand as they got up to leave.
/Back at Olivia's/
"Are you mad I didn't tell you about what happened in the program?" Alex asked as they sat on the couch in the living room.
"No, I actually understand why you would want to leave that there." Olivia looked into Alex eyes. "But I'm glad you did decide to tell me, to help me."
"Me too." Alex sighed.
"Come here." Olivia held her arms open for Alex.
Alex slipped into Olivia's open arms and cuddled into the embrace. After a few nice quiet minutes Alex shifted so she could see Olivia's face, her focus was far away. She eased up and kissed her unsuspecting partner. Olivia reciprocated as soon as her head caught up to the happenings. Alex pulled away and whispered in Olivia's ear.
"Your pretty special."
She nestled back into the detective's warm embrace.
"So are you." Olivia answered as she rubbed Alex's back. They both drifted off to sleep they were emotionally exhausted.
A/N: I don't know much about PTSD or Depression, I'm still learning, so I know it's not correct, but that's why this is fiction. I think there might be a chapter 4…. Do you think there needs to be a chapter 4? I hope you Enjoyed!