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Chapter 28

Sadness

"Oh, my head!" James muttered as he tried to sit up. His whole body ached. Why? What happened? James looked around the room and noticed he was in the same room as before. Suddenly, the memories from earlier came flooding back to him.

"Harry!" he cried as he looked around the entire room. He stopped dead, when he saw two motionless bodies lying in a pool of blood. He ran forward towards Harry, but tripped and fell to the ground. He crawled the rest of the way to Harry and picked up his head into his arms.

"Harry! Harry! Wake up! Wake up! Please!" James felt tears well up in his eyes as he saw his son covered in blood, barely breathing. "No, Harry wake up! You can do it, don't die on me, please, please!" His tears were falling off his face as he looked at his son's face. "I should have been there! I should have helped you! I failed, I failed….I'm so sorry, Harry…I failed…I failed…I couldn't do it….I failed….Harry…I'm so sorry! It's all my fault…please wake up, Harry! WAKE UP!" he screamed. He buried his face into his son's chest and cried harder than he had ever cried before. Grief filled him like a poison that couldn't be relieved. He watched his son struggling for life. "Don't give up, Harry. Don't give up!"

James knew that he had to get Harry away from here, but he couldn't bring himself to move. James was startled when the door was flung open behind him, but he didn't turn around. He didn't care who it was, though he knew he should care. He didn't look up until he heard a soft voice say his name.

"James? Are you all right? We've been looking everywhere for you. We need to leave. The Order is here and we need to—" He stopped. He saw why James hadn't moved at all. "No," he breathed. James saw Sirius drop down next to him. "What happened?"

"He…he was fighting…Voldemort…I couldn't help…I'm so sorry, Harry…so sorry…" James mumbled, still looking at his barely alive child.

"I'll go get Remus," Sirius said hurriedly, but stopped before leaving the room. "Voldemort's dead?" James gave him a confused look. He hadn't even thought about where Voldemort could be. Then, he realized that the body across from Harry was Voldemort. James didn't respond. He only said, "Hurry." He heard Sirius leave and James stroked his son's messy, dirty hair. "I'm so sorry you had to be put through this," James mumbled. He's seen too much. He's been through too much. A teenager should never have to fight against someone as evil as this. They should only worry about how they are going to pass school or how to get a date. Harry didn't deserve this…he doesn't deserve this. "HE DOESN'T DESRVE THIS!" he shrieked. He then looked at Voldemort. "IF YOU WEREN'T ALREADY DEAD, I'D KILL YOU FOR THIS!" James felt the rage surge through him, causing him to cry out in agony and anger. He turned to his son to make sure he was still breathing. James saw his chest rise slightly, but barely. He had to put his face right nest to Harry's to feel his feeble, unsteady breaths.

The door opened for the second time and Remus walked in. James heard him stop dead as he looked around the room.

"What happened?" James shook his head. He turned to face his friend as Remus walked towards him. He knelt down in front of James and looked at Harry. Remus was speechless. The tears welled up in his eyes. James made to move the hair off Harry's face, bringing Remus back to his senses. "Here, James. Give Harry to me. We have to get out of here." Remus sat there, waiting for James to hand him Harry, but James didn't move.

"James? Let me take Harry."

"No." Remus stopped.

"No?"

"Let me take him. Let me carry him."

"No, James. You're too tired. Give him to me."

"NO!" James shouted. "I'm his father! I take him!" Remus looked into the hazel eyes of James, giving him a new meaning for the word stubborn. James was determined not to let go of Harry. Deciding it was more important to get Harry out quickly than it was who carried him, Remus consented. He helped James stand up and walked toward the door, picking up the wand he saw on the ground, recognizing it as James' wand. He led James down the hallway towards where the rest of the teenagers were.

Hermione fainted at the sight of Harry and caused Ron to fall backwards to the ground, as he was injured and couldn't have caught her. Ginny was unconscious, being held by Sirius. Sirius looked disheveled and weak, but still managed to hold Ginny, though every part of his body was telling him to drop her. Draco was leaning on the wall, keeping all weight off his right leg and Lily was panting with pain as she sat on the ground. Tonks was in the room as well. She stared at Harry as if he was a foreign object she had never seen before. Remus cut her off from asking any questions.

"Come on, this way."

James was in such a daze over Harry that he did not know how long they had been at Hogwarts. He was sitting in Remus' office. School was still going on, but all classes had been canceled. The students in the school didn't know why. They only knew that Harry was back at school, but they knew nothing of his condition.

There was no one else there. He had snuck out of the Hospital Wing and went to Remus' office, hoping he was there, but found otherwise. James supposed that was just as well, for now, he felt like he wanted to be alone. Harry was still struggling to stay alive and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He stared into the fireplace. He was numb with grief, pain, and anger. He couldn't think strait and didn't want to.

Just then, the door opened and someone screamed. "Oh! James! You scared me. What are you doing here?" James shrugged. "I can't be in the same room as him."

Remus sat down on the chair across from James and looked sadly into his eyes.

"I was looking for you. There's a few things you need to know." James looked at Remus, sadness pouring out of his eyes. Remus seemed to be in the same state as James, but was trying to hide it, to no avail.

"What do I need to know?"

Remus drew in a deep breath and held it in a second before letting it go. "James, I know this probably isn't the best time to say this, but we figured out how to send you, Sirius, and Lily back to the past. We have also discovered that you will not remember anything that has happened here. It will be like a dream that you can barely remember." James' head shot up and looked angrily into Remus' eyes. "It's for the best. Now, nothing will change. Everything will be the way…the way it's supposed to be."

"NO! I have to remember! I have to know how I can stay alive to help Harry! This is not the way things are supposed to be! Harry is not supposed to go through all this! Harry should have both his parents his whole life, which is supposed to be way longer than seventeen years! We have the chance to change it! We have the answers! We can do it! Why won't you let us?" James shouted.

Remus looked as calmly as he could into James' eyes. "James, there's more. It's about Harry. He…he's probably not…going to—" James grabbed Remus' shoulders and shook him. "NO! NO! NO! You're lying! Don't lie to me, Remus!"

Remus took James off him and said, "Harry will die."

"It wasn't any funnier the second time, Remus. Tell me the truth."

"You will go back to the past tonight no matter what, do you understand me?"

"What? Harry won't recover in just one day! I need to see him when he's better!"

"Then you will have to wait three years. You will then see your son again as healthy as he could be. Harry is expected to live only a few more hours, so I think you should say goodbye. You didn't get a chance to last time. I suggest you make the most of it this time."

James looked at the floor. The anger and grief was welling up inside again. He dropped to his knees and cried out. Remus knelt next to his friend and wrapped his arms around him, letting him cry on his shoulder.

"It's just not fair!"

"I know, I know it's not fair, but Harry really wasn't always miserable," Remus said. "I have seen him smile, James. He loves to hang out with his friends, he loves to play games, he loves to laugh. He loves Quidditch and loves flying. He does have things to be happy about, James. His life isn't totally miserable. He loves hearing stories about you and Sirius at school. And I think, with all that he's been through, it's incredible that he can still love." Remus had noticed James had calmed down a bit and pulled away. "Come on. Let's go see Harry, alright?"

"I'll be there in a minute. I'm not ready yet." James looked back into the fire and thought about what Remus had just told him. He was so glad that Harry did have things he could be happy about. It was true. His son was incredible. Too bad he wouldn't be there for it all. No! Don't think about that. Just be grateful for the time I do have with him.

James stood up, but didn't leave yet. He looked around the office and thought about what it would be like to go back to the past and not remember any of this. James really didn't like that thought. He'd just turn into the boy he was before. Sure, he did have hard times and he had to fight Voldemort, but he didn't do it on a regular basis. He'd only done it twice before this. His biggest worry would be Lily leaving him and he wouldn't remember anything about how wonderful his boy is. That thought killed him the most. Forget Harry? He couldn't do that. He had to do something so he could remember. He could write it down, but surely Remus knew him too well for that. What else was there? He could hide something somewhere obvious so he could find it? No, in the seventies, it wouldn't be there yet. Admitting defeat to being able to remember anything when he went back, he turned and left the office for the Hospital Wing.

"James! Where were you?" Lily asked, as she and Sirius ran up to him.

"Remus' office," he answered dismissively. "Where's Harry?" Lily pointed to a bed that was separated from the rest by temporary walls. "His friends are in there right now. I don't think we should intrude yet."

"They better hurry. We're leaving tonight."

"Leaving?" Sirius asked.

"We're going back."

"But what about Harry?" Lily asked. James just looked at the ground.

"No," Lily cried. James pulled her to him, patting her on her back gently. Sirius looked at James with a haunted look of despair.

"I'm sorry," he mouthed. No words would come. Lily sat there a few minutes before she brought her head up and said, "At least we can change it. We can stop this from happening."

"No, Lils. We won't."

"What?" she said, pulling away.

"When we go back, we won't remember any of this. That's what Remus said."

"No! We have to! Harry doesn't deserve this!"

James attempted successfully to cheer Lily up somewhat by telling her what Remus had told him. By the time he was done, Hermione, Ginny, and Ron were walking towards them. Ron's face was ashen as he held Hermione's hand. James was afraid if she wasn't holding Ron's hand, she would fall over. Ginny was staring before her in a trance. She was hardly aware of where she was or who she was heading for.

"Oh, sorry," she mumbled without even seeing who she had run into. James stared after the three as they left the Hospital Wing. After they turned the corner, James rushed to the side of Harry's bed, but stopped suddenly at the sound of a voice beside him.

"Be careful and don't do anything stupid. You only have a few minutes before you have to leave." James looked up to see an elderly lady who he supposed was the matron in the Hospital Wing.

James nodded, and then turned to Harry. His breathing was more ragged and shallow than it had been before. He felt Lily next to him as she grabbed his hand.

"I can't believe it," Lily whispered.

"It'll be all right," James assured her.

Lily shook her head. "That's not what I meant. I can't believe that we're here now. We're there for his birth, but then we all died. Now, despite the fact we're dead, we're here to see him…" she trailed off, but they knew what she meant. James didn't know what to say. They sat in silence as they wallowed in their own thoughts. Just then, Harry started coughing and gasping, startling them all. Then, he fell silent.

"Help!" James shouted. "Somebody, help!" Madam Pomfrey ran inside the room followed by Remus, McGonagall, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny. James backed away from the bed as Madam Pomfrey looked at Harry, then turned around to face the rest and shook her head. James felt himself grow cold. Harry…