Revenge, two sugars, no milk.
By Estellio
Rating: Pg-13
Pairing: McWeir, Sheyla.
Warnings: Vengeful pranks (Tee hee) and underpants abuse.
Summary: Pay back time, Sheppard style. Sequel to Truth Or Dare.
Response to reviews I got on this fic and Truth or Dare (Just scroll down if you haen't reveiwed)
PentagonMerlin: If you're refering to the word 'snog' then it's not just British Slang, it's Irish too : ) I'm Irish so I use a lot of what you'd call British slang in my everyday language. Can't help it, sorry I thought it was pretty commonly known but I'll keep it in mind and tone it down in the future.
Orka: Rodney nicked his clothes and shame on you, you should be doing your homework, not reading fanfiction. (Don't worry,I do the exact same thing.)
Dana-Carter: You know damn well where I got the idea because you were there when we were playing Truth or Dare and you were there when I said it would make a funny fanfic. So from now on this fic is dedicated to you and your teasing...And Gevaden because he was there at the time too and usually reviews my fics without reading them just to make me feel better.
SnkNJak: Yes, that was a lovely image. I have the picture from the episode where they thought they were home. The one of McKay in his undies, that's what sparked that idea off. I know I should have gotten Ford to do something but I just didn't know what. Don't worry, there's a lot of Ford in this Chappie.
Peanut : No, no begging required :D. Well...unless you want to.
By the way, thanks to EVERYONE who's reviewed so far. Apreciate it.
When Sheppard sauntered into sickbay with a large grin on his face, Carson immediately expected foul play.
"Alrigh' Major. How 'ave you injured McKay this time?" Sheppard snorted.
"Oh, that's nice. Just because a guy's happy doesn't mean he's gone and done anything to McKay…but now that you mention it." Carson rolled his eyes as he put down the chart he was reading.
"Will I need ta treat him?"
"Oh, no. I just proved that he is as thick as two planks. I mean, I reveal my nefarious plot to him and he doesn't even catch on. Ah well, his own loss, smartest man in the Galaxy my eye. Now, can I talk to you a minute?"
"Sure, why not, I ain't got nothing ta do now anyway." Sheppard nodded and sat opposite Beckett's desk.
"Well…the thing is Doc…I know I'm probably the last person you'd expect to come to you for help but…the thing is…I…well…I have had a little trouble sleeping lately and I was wondering if you had anything to help. Nothing that would knock me out for days. Just a few hours. As the head military officer, I'm the last person who can miss sleep so…" Beckett nodded understandingly.
"Ah, of course Major. I've just the thing." Beckett walked quickly into the nearby store room and rummaged around for a few moments. "Ya know, it's nothing to be ashamed of, Major. You've been under a lot of stress lately an' Atlantis can be an intimdatin' place." Sheppard resisted the urge to roll his eyes as he took the small bottle eagerly off Beckett.
"Yeah, I suppose. Uh…Doc?"
"Aye?"
"I…really…don't like the taste of medicine. It makes me sick, figuratively speaking. I was wondering if I could dilute this, maybe put it in with milk or ice cream or coffee or something." Beckett raised an eyebrow.
"Aye…I suppose ya could if ya really wanted. I wouldnae recommend it though. It wont work as well."
"Right…well…what dosage?"
"Well, like I was gonna tell you, you take a teaspoon of the Fenigren but I suppose if ya wanted to dilute it in a glass of milk ya better stir in a desert spoon of it. It'll give the milk a bit of a funny sweet taste, mind you." Sheppard beamed at him.
"Alright then, that's okay. I'll get back to you on the sleep thing." Sheppard said walking away.
"Major, don't take more than a desert spoon or two and a half tea spoons of the Fenigren. Otherwise there'll be side effects like fainting, headaches, dizziness and severe abdominal cramps."
"Whatever Carson!" He called behind him, grinning madly. Everything was falling into place so nicely, he had everything he needed to begin Operation Pay Back.
"Good Morning Major." Sheppard looked over at Teyla who had fallen into step behind him.
"Oh, hey Teyla. What's up?" She smiled at him pleasantly.
"A baby girl was born to a friend of mine on the mainland. They are calling her Alanesh in honour of Alron and Tenesh who died in our last battle with the Wraith." Sheppard nodded as he surreptitiously slid the bottle into his pants pocket.
"That's nice. Are you going to the mainland to visit them?"
"I plan to, soon. There is much happening on the mainland, or so I hear…Perhaps you would like to accompany me over tomorrow. I plan on bringing gifts to Jobasha and his wife as well as visit a few of my friends whom I have not had the time to socialise with. I heard that Dr. Beckett is after getting…friendly…with one of the locals." At this Sheppard raised an eyebrow.
"Oh really, why that sly devil…and here was me thinking he was just a plain ol' country Doctor." Teyla smiled as they approached their quarters.
"He makes regular trips to the mainland to deliver medical assistance, apparently, when Yolan fell ill and Dr. Beckett went over to treat him, he got on good terms with Yolan's daughter, Valayna." Sheppard nodded slowly, stopping at his door.
"I see, anyway, I've had a really long day. I plan on turning in early. You're welcome to join me if you like." Sheppard grinned cheekily at Teyla who just shook her head.
"I would be honoured but unfortunately I must decline, I have made a previous engagement with Doctor Weir."
"Oh really," Sheppard asked, feigning hurt. "Well. I see, if that's how you feel." He slid inside his quarters with his head held high in mock indignation. It was only once he was inside he mulled over Teyla's words.
She's be honoured to? I know she said she found no undesirable qualities but she's never shown anything but a desire for friendship before...maybe I just haven't been looking for the right signals? I'll think about this later, right now I've got a Aiden to deal with…
IOIOIO
An hour later
"You wanted to see me?" Dr. Weir looked up from her paper work to see Major Sheppard standing in the doorway, his hands jammed into his pockets..
"Oh yes, John, come in." Weir gestured to the chair in front of her quickly before folding her hands in front of her, her eyes narrowing and her 'headmistress' face set in place.
"Uhoh, what I have I done?" He asked sitting down.
"Yesterday was the deadline for your reports, Major. Even Rodney got them in before you and you know how he is with paperwork." Sheppard sunk lower in his chair.
"Uh, about that. I couldn't have another…uh…week. Could I?"
"Week? Have you done them at all?"
"Well…" John drawled, biting his lip. "In short…no. I've been a little distracted, what with having to hide every time I have to go from room to room." Weir raised an eyebrow and opened her mouth as if to comment but suddenly she smiled as realisation dawned.
"Oh, that still hasn't died down, has it?" She stifled a laugh behind her hand. "Well…in that case, you have your week, but I want those reports on my desk, this time, next Wednesday. Alright?" With a smile, he nodded, getting up. As he left for the door, Weir noticed something.
"Major Sheppard?" He turned around, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah?"
"Could you…take your hands out of your pockets for me?" John paled slightly.
"Uh…why?"
"Major, you haven't taken them out once, and it must be very awkward to sit down and get up without removing your hands…I want to know why you kept them in there, it's obvious you're hiding something."
"No I'm not. Is it just me or are you getting a little paranoid. Perhaps you should take a break, a trip to the mainland maybe, or wait. There's this nice planet we found, lots of waterfalls and rock pools and greenery. It's lovely, you'd like it. Ford called it Sprinkle World"
"Major." She said, rising slowly, her 'don't mess with me' fixed firmly in place. "Remove your hands from your pockets." Swallowing hard, Sheppard removed his everything Weir expected to see, that wasn't it.
"Oh my god, what did you do?"
Before Sheppard could reply Zelenka burst into her room.
"Doctor I must…Holy Hannah what did you do to your hands?" Sheppard scowled at the scruffy scientist, jamming his hands back into his pockets.
"I had a little accident. That's all."
"With what? A hedgehog?" Sheppard grimaced.
"Yes, I played volley ball with a porcupine…" He said sarcastically, examining his spotted hands. Tiny spots of red dotted his fingers and the back of his hand as if he had been stabbed with a thousand tiny needles. A few on his thumb were still bleeding so he put it in his mouth, trying to stem the flow.
"What happened Major?" Weir asked, suspecting more than she let on.
"I had a little trouble while sewing, that's all."
"SEWING?" Both Zelenka and Weir exclaimed at the exact same time.
"You were sewing?" Radek chuckled and got a dark look shot at him from Sheppard.
"I'd like to see you do better, Slinky."
"The name is Zelenka and please, I had five sisters. I can sew, bake, brush and burp a baby simultaneously."
"Really, that's quite cool." Zelenka shrugged.
"Dr. Weir, Rodney wants you to come down to Lab Four immediately. We think ve have found a sort of translator." Dr. Weir immediately rose and left but as Dr. Zelenka was about to leave, Sheppard grabbed his arm.
"Hold up, Slinky. Can you sew? Really?" He asked. Radek sighed.
"Yes, why? I'm not going to do your darning for you." Sheppard smiled.
"You can sew…but can you keep a secret?" Radek looked him up and down suspiciously, Sheppard's smirk was enough to let Radek know whatever this was going to be, it was going to be fun.
"Whatever it is…I'm in."
IOIOIO
"You've got to be kidding me." Zelenka threw himself back on the bed, shaking in laughter and babbling in Czech. "You're doing WHAT!"
"Like I said, it's very simple. All you have to do is attach this wire to the seat of Ford's pants then sew on this specially made pink underpants with little red hearts on it." Zelenka began to laugh even harder, putting his hands on his stomach and wheezing.
"Alright, alright, I'll do it but run me through why I am and what you are doing first?" Sheppard took a deep breath.
"Listen, it's Ford's fault I got into this mess. He started the stupid game of truth or dare that caused me to run through the halls in my underpants. So I'm going to get him back. Well…get him back first." Zelenka took of his glasses and wiped a tear from his eyes.
"Uh Huh. Now, I understand that but what do you need this for?" He gestured to the wire and the badly dyed pink underpants."It's a bit...extravagant."
"Listen, to get back at him I'm going to show everyone his underpants. But Ford is very boring. He just has all plain army issue skivvies. Well that and a pair of Superman boxers but that looked sorta cool so I made these." He held up the pink white fronts. "I just dyed a pair of tidy whiteys, now he's not going to put these on of his own free will and short of sneaking into his quarters and putting them on him myself which, for the record, I will not do, I see no other way of getting them on."
"Why do you need the wire?"
"You see, I plan on having him sit on a chair coated with bostic." At this Zelenka began to laugh hysterically again, having to remove his glasses and wipe his eyes. "AND THEN!" Sheppard shouted, trying to get the attention of the scientist. "WHEN HE GETS UP!" Zelenka quietened though he was still shaking with silent laughter. "Rrrrrrrriiiiip, and then his lovely pink bum is shown to the world. I need the wire to separate the pants from the underpants so that if the Bostic seeps through it wont matter as much. Now, can you do it or not?"
"Da. I can. I can't even imagine how you came up with this but I can." He took his glasses off to wipe his eyes agian. "But one question. What are you doing to Rodney, Teyla and Doctor Weir? I assume they are the other involved parties." .
"I haven't thought that far. Honestly, I haven't a clue what to do to the girls but I'll think of something for Rodney." Sheppard said as he shrugged. Zelenka was grinning. "What?"
"Did you know that Rodney sings in the shower?"
"No…how do you know that?" He asked suspiciously.
"We worked together briefly in Antarctica. An accident saw Rodney's shower broken and Rodney got covered from head to toe in motor oil that day and…qell…I said he could use mine. When I came back from the labs I heard a very odd, slightly off key version of the song, David Duchovony. Do you know it?"
"Isn't that a song about a girl who is in love with that guy from Xfiles?" He guessed. Zelenka nodded grinning.
"One of the lab hands had been singing it earlier, our music collection was quite limited."
"Why are you telling me this anyway?" Sheppard asked, grinning. He might have underestimated this mild mannered physicist.
"We could...attach a radio to his shower ceiling and broadcast it to all the operational headsets. After screening it first, of course but the delay would be minimal. 10 seconds at the most" Zelenka smiled, Sheppard grinned, a plan was born.
"I like your thinking, Selinky. I like it a lot, slightly disturbed by it but hey. Still doesn't answer the question about what to do with Teyla and Weir though."
"We'll cross that bridge when and if we come to it. I don't know about you but Elizabeth is not the kind of woman I'd like to annoy. Now, how do you plan on getting the Lieutenant's pants and getting him to sit in Bostic. It vould have to be in an conspicuous place like the canteen or something." Sheppard grinned and retrieved the bottle in his pocket. Radek squinted at it, trying to read the label. "Fenigren? My mother used to give me that to put me to sleep when I was on an aeroplane, it tastes lovely actually." Sheppard shrugged.
"Well, I spink it should be able to put our adorable little Ford to sleep for a few hours, what do you think?"
"Definitely…but what does 'spink' mean?"
"Nevermind. Now. It's nearly ten O Clock, time for Lt. Ford's nap. Don't you agree?"
IOIOIO
"Three Aces." Sergeant Bates put down his cards on the table and grinned evilly.
"Hold on." Dr. Hikari smiled as she put down her hand. "Four Kings and the other ace." Sergeant Bates looked at her hand and grimaced.
"Fine." He growled, taking off his shirt and tossing it on the table with the rest of the clothes. He was now down to his pants and socks, he was in better condition that Private Kelly who was in his underpants and praying he'd win the next hand.
"Ford, your deal." The young Lieutenant took the deck and cut the cards three times before dealing out everyone's hands. There was a few groans and grumbles and Private Kelly looked positively terrified.
"Okay, Kelly, you want any cards?" The young Private swallowed.
"Four." He said, tossing most of his cards away.
"Alright." Ford dealt him four and turned to the young Japanese Scientist. "Faye?"
"Just one, Lieutenant." She said, scooping up the card he threw her and grimacing. Poker wasn't her strong point.
"Bates?"
"Two." The Sergeant grumbled, surveying his cards with disdain.
"How about you Jean?" The blonde Lieutenant shook her head, shivering slightly in the cold. She was down to her underwear and Ford knew that after this round she was going to pull out.
They really need to work on their poker faces, Ford thought, Especially Faye since I can see her cards in the reflection of her glasses.
He smiled broadly as everyone nodded that they were in. There was no way they could beat this hand. Nothing short of a Royal Flush could beat this hand.
"Uh…A pair of nines." Kelly said, putting down his cards.
"A pair of Jacks and a pair of tens" Faye said, showing her hand.
"Sweet feck all." Bates said, tossing down his cards.
"A…" Jean began but when she looked up she froze, half torn between standing, saluting and hiding her legs.
"Uh...Major?" Bates and Ford immediately snapped to attention when Sheppard came into view.
"At ease…hey, are ye playing strip poker without me? You should be ashamed, are my legs not good enough?"
"Sorry Sir, if I'd have known then…" Ford began but stopped when Sheppard put down a glass of milk in front of him
"What you got, Ford?" He asked. Ford showed him his cards.
"Oh, that's good…but I think play time is over. I came to tell you that we have an early mission in the morning. Kinda emergency scheduled so you better head to bed."
"But Sir! I!" He somehow didn't think that the excuse 'I'm this close to seeing Jean's chest' would cut the mustard this time.
"No buts, come on Lieutenant."
"But…but…Jean." He whispered. "She's down to her underwear and I can sooo beat her."
"Lieutenant! Keep that libido in check." Sheppard warned, steering him out of his chair and snatching up his glass of milk.
"SIR! FIVE MINUTES! PLEASE! PLEASE, I BEG YOU!"
"Now, now, Lieutenant. The early bird, gets the worm. Off with you to bed." Sheppard grabbed Ford's boots off the table and handed them to him.
"PLEASE!" With a small shove he was pushed out the door.
"Royal flush!" Jean said, grinning madly and putting down her cards. What did Ford have?" Kelly peaked under the face down cards.
"You beat it." She smiled.
"Kelly…Off with your underpants." The Private went white.
IOIOIO
Lt. Ford sulked all the way to his quarters, his boots in hand.
"Don't be so sour, Ford. Here, have a glass of milk." Sheppard shoved the glass of milk into Ford's hand and grinned to himself.
'Too easy' Sheppard thought, grinning to himself.
"No…thank you, Sir."
"Come on, Ford. Growing lad like you needs to keep them bones strong. Plus, it'll help you sleep better."
"I'm alright, Sir." Ford realised he was sulking but he felt justified after being denied the beauty that was Lt Jean Markers
"Don't make me make it an order…" Sheppard warned, surprised at the ease he was keeping a straight face. With a sigh, Ford drank it all in one go. He pulled a face.
"Had a bit of a sweet taste to it, what else was in it?" Sheppard feigned confusion.
"Honey, helps you sleep."
"Never mind, Sir. I'll just turn in now." Ford keyed open his door, oblivious to the fact that Sheppard was watching him type in the code
'4961792. Gottit…'
"Night, Sir."
"Night, Ford." Sheppard grinned evilly at the Lieutenant's back.
He waited outside for fifteen minutes. That's how long Zelenka said it would take for it to take effect and for Ford to be conked out. He walked up to the door and listened, he couldn't hear anything so he keyed in the code. Entering he found Ford fast asleep and snoring loudly. Resisting the urge to giggle like a little school girl, Sheppard tip toed over to the chair where Ford had thrown his clothes and gently pulled the pants from the back of the chair. A boot fell…
It made a loud THUD but Ford didn't even stir. Sheppard stood stock still for several minutes and breathed a sigh of relief before tip toeing out of the quarters and running to his quarters where Zelenka was waiting with his sewing kit.
"You ready?" Zelenka smiled and took the pants off him.
"You are a very wicked man, Major Sheppard."
"And you're the devils helper, now sew, woman." Zelenka shot him a warning look and got to work.
IOIOIO
Fruitloops, you either loved them, or you hated them…Major Sheppard hated them. There had been an accident when he was twelve that led to him chocking on a fruit loop and passing out before a football game. He was teased to this very day about it so Fruitloops and Major Sheppard did not mix well.
"What's wrong Sir?" Ford asked as he moved down the line.
"Nothing, I just don't like Fruitloops that much."
"WHAT! How can you not love Fruitloops." The young man was incredulous.
"Long story. Let's get a seat." Sheppard looked around for Zelenka who was sitting a table in the middle of the room.
Smart man. Sheppard thought.
"Come on, I have to talk to Zelenka about something." Sheppard weaved his way through the tables with Ford in tow and gestured for him to sit next to Zelenka while Sheppard sat across from him. It was a small table, only designed to sit four so it wasn't hard to guess which one was glued. Zelenka smiled at him and winked. Sheppard resisted the urge to wink back in case it alerted the soon to be red-faced Lt.
"So, Zelenka. Do you have the preliminary report on that artefact we brought back on our last mission." Zelenka handed him a file and began to talk, top speed in techno babble. Sheppard nodded, pretending to listen and understand when he was actually counting the eighty seconds needed to glue the Lieutenant's backside to the chair.
"And of course, the alloy used to coat it is incredibly durable and very, very dry." The emphasis on the word dry was the key and Sheppard smiled.
"Interesting. What uses can it have in Atlantis."
"Why, that is asking a broad question. I believe…" He launched into Techno babble again as Ford shovelled in his Fruitloops. When the Major was sure he was done Sheppard rose.
"I'm afraid I have to stop you there, Zelenka, we've a briefing to get to."
"Oh, of course, I understand." Radek said, nodding solemnly. "I have my own research to get back to."
"Come on Ford." Sheppard said, walking away. Ford leapt to his feet with the most satisfying RRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPP! That Sheppard had ever heard. It drew the attention of the entire hall and Ford froze, his face paling from his usual chocolate brown to the colour of milky tea.
"Ford, turn around." The young Lieutenant turned. The look of abject horror on his face. Two bright pink cheeks with a red heart on each peaked out at Major Sheppard and Ford fled as the cafeteria burst out laughing with several of the women cat-calling and wolf-whistling.
"Mission accomplished." Zelenka said, laughing.
"Stage One, accomplished. On to stage two - Operation Maple Syrup." Sheppard whispered conspirtorially, enjoying himself far too much. Zelenka grinned evilly.
"Don't you have a briefing to get to?"
"Naw, I'm just going to hand in my reports to Weir. I was so excited that I couldn't sleep last night so I did them. Well…most of them. Plus, I've got to paint a walky-talky yellow and get selotape somewhere." Sheppard disposed of his tray and left the cafeteria.