Revenge, two sugars, no milk.
By Estellio
Rating: Pg-13
Pairing: McWeir, Sheyla.
Warnings: Vengeful pranks (Tee hee) and abuse of Rodney's behind. (poor Rodney) Also, there is only so many ways you can say the word Butt. I'm sorry.
Summary: Pay back time, Sheppard style. Sequel to Truth Or Dare.
A/N: Thanks to some abusive mail from Orka Glares I've finally finished this chapter. I'd been humming and hawing over posting it because I didn't really like the first 2 pages but ah well. Hope you enjoy this one and don't forget to review. It makes me post faster (Hint, hint, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, bribe, bribe.)
"Rodney! RODNEY! Come out of there right now! I know you are avoiding me! I am sick of this childishness, you are a grown man! Come out before I...I...break this door down!" Zelenka shouted, banging his fist on the door. After a short pause the door to the bathroom slid open to reveal a scowling Rodney.
"Can't I even go to the bathroom anymore?" He asked angrily.
"Rodney, do you have some kind of serious bowl problem that forces you to go to the bathroom every five minutes? Because that is the only reason I can think of for you to...to...duck into the nearest bathroom every time I see you." Rodney scowled even harder.
"Stalking is considered a crime you know." He snarled, turning away. Zelenka grabbed Rodney's arm and began to drag him down the hallway. Unlike the last time he tried this, Rodney pulled out of his grasp.
"Let me go, Radek. I've work to do."
"And I have work for you to do. I've been trying to get hold of you for the last six hours." Zelenka said, using every ounce of control he had not to shout. "Rodney! I do not give a rats arse about your personal life during work hours so just get down to Lab Eight so I can show you what I've found. Now, if you want to run into a bathroom and hide from…whatever it was you're hiding from, then fine but NOT on my time." Rodney had turned bright red and was shaking with rage. His mouth was set in a slightly lopsided, thin line and it looked as if he was about to take a swing at Zelenka.
"Hello boys." Both the scientists turned to see Dr. Weir walking towards them with a wide smile. "Dr. McKay, can I have a word with you a moment." In a bizarre twist of fate, Rodney had gone instantly from bright red to snow white.
"Uh. Actually I was just on my way to the Lab with Dr. Zelenka. It's kinda important so can it wait?" Weir frowned slightly.
"Uh…yeah…sure." She said. Zelenka looked between Rodney and Elizabeth, if he didn't act now then this was only going to get worse.
"Actually, Rodney. It won't be ready to test until it powers up and that'll take about...I suppose another twenty minutes. So why don't you and Dr. Weir head down to the lab together. I was planning on grabbing a late lunch anyway." Radek smiled innocently at Rodney and went to leave.
"But…but what about that…thing…in the…thing…" Rodney pleaded.
"Oh don't worry. I said I'd let Lt. Ford name it." With that he left. McKay panicked, he knew exactly what she wanted to talk about.
"Elizabeth, so, you wanted to talk?" He said, setting a brisk pace toward Lab Eight.
"Uh. Yes, Rodney. It's about Major Sheppard." McKay paused, Major Sheppard? Why would she want to talk to him about Sheppard?
"What's wrong with him? If it's about that loose screw he has then I'm afraid I only deal with the mechanical kind." He chuckled at his own little joke and slowed his step so that Elizabeth could keep up more easily.
"Uh…no. It's got nothing to do with his mechanics. Has he seemed a little…I don't know…off? To you lately?" Rodney shrugged.
"I can never tell when he's on, never mind off."
"Rodney!" She said in a warning tone. "I'm being serious. He's been really…Well…I can't explain it. He hasn't been sleeping well, he doesn't eat in the cafeteria and he's always in his room during the day and creeping around at night. He handed me his reports this morning, he typed them up and used spell check. Rodney, doesn't that strike you as odd?" Rodney stopped walking.
"It does, actually. How do you know he isn't sleeping well?" Rodney asked with genuine curiosity and more than a hint of jealousy.
"He didn't have his reports done last night and yet he handed them into me this morning, perfectly typed up. I assumed he spent all night typing them up. Now, can you see how I find that odd?"
"Yeah, I didn't think he could use a computer…KIDDING! Kidding! Jeese, a guy can't even make a joke. What do you want me to do about it? Drug him?" Elizabeth rolled her eyes and leant against the wall.
"Could you have a word with him for me?" She asked.
"WHAT! Me? Why me?" Elizabeth rolled her eyes again.
"Well…I've already tried talking to him to no avail and...well…you're a guy." Rodney raised an eyebrow and mimicked her pose against the opposite wall.
"I hadn't failed to notice the fact, but what does that have to do with anything?" Elizabeth shrugged.
"Use your head, Rodney. Girls feel more comfortable talking with girls so I presume the guys feel more comfortable talking with guys. If he has a problem then a male friend would be more approachable…"
"Actually, guys don't talk to other guys. They get all macho. Guys have this one girl, usually their mothers, whom they tell everything to. I'm the last person he'd go to with his troubles, trust me. You'd be better off getting Lt. Ford to talk with him."
"I tried, but he refuses to speak to Sheppard after what happened in the Cafeteria this morning. He seems to think that John had something to do with it. Him and Zelenka."
"Talk about paranoid. I suppose it was a little suspicious that there was glue on the seat but that story about the underpants not being his and about them being sewn in by Major Sheppard, ha! It's laughable at best. Not to mention the fact that an alliance between Zelenka and Sheppard is so far fetched I'd sooner think that Halling went square dancing with a Wraith." Rodney said as he rolled his eyes.
"Now that conjures up an interesting picture, why don't you think they'd work together?" At that Rodney harrumphed loudly.
"Please, Zelenka can't stand military types. Sheppard would drive him crazy within a few minutes, hence why they have never exchanged more than monosyllabic conversation. Sheppard probably doesn't even know his first name." Elizabeth paused.
"…Radek, right?"
"Well I like to call him Pollyanna but it says Radek on his record."
"…You've never really called him that have you?" She asked, smirking. Rodney tried to not focus on her face, frantically pushing any illicit thoughts away.
"Once or twice, I mean come on, the guy should wear his hair in pig tails he's so bloody optimistic."
"What has pigtails got to do with optimism?" Rodney shrugged and pushed off the wall, stretching his back.
"Alright, I'll talk with Sheppard when I get the chance. But I'm telling you, if you want to know what's going on in Shep's head then Teyla's the girl to go to." Elizabeth straightened with a small sigh.
"She's gone over to the mainland for the week since you've no missions. It's an unofficial downtime." She explained.
"Speaking of time, I better get down to the lab to have a look at whatever Polly was on about." Elizabeth muffled a laugh.
"You know, if he hears you calling him that…"
"I know, I know. Anything else?" He asked, already beginning to walk away.
"Actually, Rodney…When you're done at the lab I need to have a word with you in private." Rodney paled and swallowed around the lump that had formed in his throat.
"Uh, sure, what about? 'Cause I was going to clock off and grab some lunch after I was done." He asked, still not turning around to face her.
"I'll meet you in the cafeteria then, half four sound good?"
"Uh…yeah. Sure, it's a date." Elizabeth nodded and walked away. Rodney immediately began to smack his own forehead.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid. For the smartest man in the galaxy I sure know how to put my foot in my mouth. It's sooo not a date and I sounded a right idiot. Uh yeah, sure." He mumbled to himself angrily all the way down to the lab.
IOIOIO
Meanwhile, in the Jumper Bay…
"Teyla? What are you doing?" John asked, entering the jumper bay. Teyla finished loading the crate onto the back of the Puddle Jumper and turned to John.
"I'm loading a crate."
"Well I can see that, smarty pants."
"I do not believe my pants is above the average intelligence quota for material." She said, smiling slightly.
"Oh ha ha, you're killing me?"
"I am, I apologise."
"Alright, this could go on all day, just tell me, what's in the crate?" John asked, poking at the top. Teyla smiled back at John as she sat herself into the Puddle Jumper.
"Presents for some friends."
"Some?" John asked, exasperated. "I could fit a Ferris Wheel into that box of yours."
"Only if it were a rather small one, Major." Teyla smiled as he powered up the Jumper.
"I saw that crate, Teyla, what's in there? A full line of the Chippendales for your girl friends?" He was met with a blank look from Teyla.
"Chippendales?"
"Uh…bunch of men…they uh…Ask Doctor Weir, I'm sure she'd love to tell you."
"I shall make it a point to do so…" She turned her attention to the view of the water that stretched on before them. The sun glinted off its surface as if it were blue velvet scattered with diamonds. The sea was unusually calm today, unlike Teyla, who fidgeted constantly in her seat.
"Teyla? You alright?" Sheppard asked, not taking his eyes from the spectacular view before him.
"…Major?"
"Uh huh?"
"Do you have anything planned for today?" Sheppard paused a moment and ran over the checklist in his head.
A) Get Breakfast…Done.
B) Embarrass the hell out Ford…Done.
C) Hand in reports to Weir…Done.
D) Have Shower…Done.
E) Work out the new Rotas with Bates…Done.
F) Drive Teyla over to Mainland…doing.
G) Check if walky-talky is dry. If so proceed to H.
H) Tape Walky-talky to Rodney's ceiling.
I) Give Zelenka the go ahead to cover Rodney in gunk.
J) Laugh my ass off while Zelenka wires the singing through the headsets.
K) Figure out how to prank Teyla and Weir.
L) Get Dinner.
M) Find a way to get into Bate's poker nights.
N) Taunt McKay.
O) Laugh about what I did to McKay some more.
P) Go to bed and read my book.
Q) Dream…preferably R rated and involving...let's not go there.
"Yeah, I got a few tings to do. Why?" He smirked at his own reflection as he though of the look on Rodney's face after he'd figure out what happened.
"Oh…it is nothing. Do not trouble yourself." Sheppard's female-babble translator set off klaxons wailing in his head. Teyla wanted him to do something but she was embarrassed about it. What the hell would Teyla be embarrassed about?
"No, come on Tey. Tell me, what's on your mind." Teyla seemed to shrink a thousand times, back into the seat, as she smoothed the material of her dress for the thousanth time.
"It is just that Sharin has asked to meet you." Sheppard had to strain to hear what she said as she spoke in barely a whisper.
What's up with Teyla? I've never seen her so…Well…like this!
"Oh, sure, I can spare an hour or so." He wasn't sure what passed over Teyla's face. It looked like a cross-between relief and complete and utter disgrace…which made for a fairly funny sight.
"If you are sure Major…" She said, still not looking at him.
"Please, we're not on duty. Call me John or Shep or Bob or something. Just not Major."
"Bob?"
"Well Steve was already taken."
"So is Bob."
"Oh yeah, damn. Well I guess you'll have to settle for John then." Teyla smiled at him and returned her view to the ocean. If he had thought the fidgeting was bad then the absolute stillness with which she sat with now was ten times worse.
"Teyla…are you sure there's nothing wrong?" He asked. Teyla swallowed.
"I am fine, it is you I am worried about." John's eyebrows shot up.
"What, Sharin some kind of battleaxe or something?" Teyla opened her mouth to ask the meaning but Sheppard shook his head. "You don't want to know. Now what's up?"
"Well…I believe she requested to speak with you for you to undergo the…verification." She said it as if pronouncing the death sentence and Sheppard got the weird image of sitting down in a dark room with a single swinging lampshade lighting it. He shook the image from his head and began landing procedure as the mainland came in sight.
IOIOIO
"Okay, try it now." Zelenka called over his shoulder and Sergeant Bates pulled the lever beside him.
"Anything?" He asked, not really sure what he was expecting but judging by the string of incomprehensible language that was being roared from under the console, nothing good had happened. "Dr. Zelenka? Are you alright?"
"GO GET SOMEONE WITH THE GENE! I DON'T CARE WHO! GET SOMEONE!" Bates nodded and backed out of the room…and straight into Dr. McKay.
"Watch where you're going!"
"Oh thank god, uh. Doctor McKay, Dr. Zelenka needs you for something."
"What's new." He pushed past Bates and into the room. "What is it now Zelinky?"
"ZELENKA! MY NAME IS ZELENKA! YOU KNOW THIS SO GET IT RIGHT!" McKay took a step back, his mouth open and eyes wide in shock. In the last few days Zelenka had hit him, accosted him in the bathroom and was now shouting blue murder at him. Rodney wondered whether this was in any way related to the bra he had seen earlier, surely it wasn't him pissing the Czech off this much. "WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING! GET BACK HERE!" A decisively pale Srgt. Bates stepped back in the room, looking as if he'd rather be anywhere else but there. "Rodney, sit on the chair.
"Listen, Zelenka. Why don't you get Carson or Faye. I have better things to be doing than…"
"SIT!" Rodney never moved so fast in his life. Bates did a double take as one moment Rodney was his human shield for Zelenka's verbal assault and the next he was in the chair leaving Bates exposed to the irate Czech's full fury.
"Now see if you can activate it." Rodney closed his eyes and concentrated on turning the chair on…nothing happened. "TURN IT ON!"
"I'M TRYING!" If Zelenka thought he could push THIS intergalactic genius around then he was sorely mistaken. If this came down to a snark off then Rodney knew he would win.
"TRY HARDER!" Rodney closed his eyes and searched for a fault with the power flow.
"Radek. I don't know what's wrong. It says we're getting enough juice but it just wont turn on. It's like some sort of firewall has been erected by the chair…Who was the last person to sit in the chair?"
"Major Sheppard, why?" Zelenka asked, his head appearing from underneath the console, his manner slightly more sedate.
"He's password encoded the chair." Growled Rodney, as he manipulated the gel on the arm.
"What do you mean password encoded the chair?"
"I don't know how he did it but the chair will only respond to him. It's prompting me for a password." Bates burst out laughing but was quietened by two very pissed off looking scientist glaring at him.
"Bates, go find Sheppard and bring him here. NOW!" If Bates had thought Rodney moved into the chair fast then he had no idea how fast he was running away from the Chair Room. "I need to get the chair up and running now." The Czech snapped to no one in particular as he dived underneath the console again, muttering in his home language.
"So, Sl…Zelenka. What are we going to do about this password then?"
"Jusdt...Try something!" He muttered from beneath the console.
"Alright…Sheppard." Rodney leapt out of the seat with a loud yelp. Zelenka immediately leapt up to see what had happened only to smash his head into the underside of the console and begin to swear profusely. Rodney on the other hand was clutching his backside and yelping like a cat on hot coals…this was the scene that Weir walked into…and swiftly walked back out of.
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU HAVE TO SHOUT FOR!" Zelenka shouted, rubbing the back of his head.
"THE DAMN CHAIR ELECTROCUTED MY ASS!" Rodney shouted back. Zelenka snorted loudly, the look of barely suppressed laughter all over his face. "Oh, very funny. Can't you see I'm dieing inside with laughter."
"Sit back down and try something else."
"No! It hurt!"
"Rodney, just try something else." He chuckled, disappearing back under the console.
"Why don't you!" He shot back.
"I don't have the gene." Rodney gave his rear one last apologetic rub and he sat back down. "Okay, now think like Major Sheppard."
"Does he think?" Zelenka rolled his eyes.
"Come on Rodney. Think of something."
"Uh…Johnny Cash. OW! BOB! OOOOWWWW! FOOTBALL! GAH!" He leapt out of the chair and curled up on the floor, his hands firmly clasped to his behind. "Oh God it hurts, it hurts so much!" He sobbed, rolling around the floor. Zelenka couldn't help but burst out laughing, so, sagging helplessly over the console, he laughed till tears were rolling down his face. It was then Weir tried to come in again. Finding the situation no better than last time she sighed but stayed.
"Is everyone all right?" She asked, trying to make sense of the situation.
"MY BEHIND! IT HURTS! IT HURTS SO MUCH! OH GOD MAKE THE PAIN STOP!" Weir immediately went to Rodney's side.
"Rodney, Rodney? Are you alright, what happened?"
"SADISTIC TORTURER! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!" He roared, still whimpering and clutching his backside. At this Zelenka's laughing only intensified till he was gasping for air. "I bet that block head planned this!"
"Come on Rodney, let's get you to Dr. Beckett. He'll fix you right up." Weir said helping him up. Rodney slung an arm around her shoulder as she helped him move.
"Oh god! It's numb! I can't feel my butt! OH NO! NO!"
"There, there." Weir said, patting his back. "It'll be alright once we get you to Carson."
"OH! It's got gangrene, it's going to have to be operated on! He'll have to remove it! I'll have to get a prostetic replacement! I don't want a metal ass. ELIZABETH! DON'T LET HIM TAKE IT!" Weir was at a loss what to do with the hysterical Rodney who was hobbling along beside her.
"You just have to get the circulation going in it again." She said, and without thinking her hand went down to the affected area to try and get the circulation moving. They hobbled in together to the infirmary and she turned him over to one of the nurses. "He got electrocuted in the backside by the Chair and now he can't feel it." Carson snorted with laughter but turned him over with business like alacrity.
"Okay Rodney, I'm going to have a look at that steateopygous of yours." The two nurses who helped him onto bed left as Carson pulled down Rodney's shorts to reveal a large, red rump. Elizabeth immediately blushed and made her way out of the cubicle. As she walked down the hall a strange though occurred to her.
"My god, was I rubbing Rodney's behind in the hallways?" She hadn't realised she had said it out loud but thankfully the small plaza outside the infirmary was empty. Blushing even harder, Weir made her way back to the control tower. All thoughts of why she had originally sought out Rodney and Zelenka was immediately replaced by marvelling at just how firm his 'steateopygous', as Carson called it, was.
SnkNJak: No, Radek's name is not made up. They used it in the show for like 2 seconds in The Siege Part one. While Rodney and Zelenka are arguing over who would get to go. Also, there is no one in DBZ called Radek. There's Raditz but no Radek (God I watch way too much Anime.)
ismisesteph: Yeah, I agree. It is a fairly cringe worthy word when you think about it. I spink I'll change it. Also, I love the name, very clever.
Fanwoman: (Has nervous breakdown) GAH! I really want to see that show. Everyone talks about it but I've never seen it. Breaks down crying I got the name Faye from Faye Wong. She sings 'Eyes on Me' for the FF8 soundtrack and I am addicted to those games. AlsoWeir in my fics is like superwoman...just without the cape...and the crown...and the flying. Could wonder woman fly...I think she could. Well Weir can't. She notices a lot of things as you'll soon see "mwa ha ha" So no pink hair for her. "Whoops have I said too much?" Also, about Zelenka' revenge...we'll see. We'll see. (Snigger.)
Orka: See, I updated. Aren't you proud? Hope you enjoyed the electrocution. I know I did, oh poor Rodney. Let's just hope it doesn't come to a metal rear for him.
Erin: I know he didn't sing this chappy but he did lose the feeling in his butt. That's something, right? I'm also fairly torn up about what he should sing. Any suggestions?
Oh, just a few points I think you need to know. A)Steateopygous means fat ass, I think I read it in a fanfic somewhere but I can't remember which one so I don't know if it's actually medical termonolyogy or not. B) Sheppard has a Johnny Cash poster in his room so that's why Rodney said it. I didn't make this up. You see it in the episode with Dr. Heightmyer in it I think it's called The Gift. C) Finally, Sharin is the old lady Teyla visits in The Gift (I think that's what the episode is called) I didn't know how to spell her name so I just listened to what Teyla said and wrote down my interpretation of it.
BTW, what should Rodney sing? I was originally going to have him sing a Spandu Ballet song but nothing justifies the brutalisation of a Spandu Ballet song. Nothing. Also any suggestions for the pranks would be too bad. I've a few ideas but my one for Teyla's a bit crap to be perfectly honest. Now I'm off to write Chappy 4.