Revenge, two sugars, no milk.
By Estellio
Rating: Pg-13
Pairing: McWeir, Sheyla.
Warnings: Vengeful pranks (Tee hee) and overuse of Anime Quotes, abuse of Rodney and Sheppard…in general.
Summary: Pay back time, Sheppard style. Sequel to Truth Or Dare.
A/N: Thank you to everyone who's reviewed. I'm glad your all enjoying it and I've taken all your suggestions for the songs on board (I'm surprised how many people listen to 80's music. I thought that was just me!)Also don't read this if you are of a sheltered nature, Sheppard get's asked some fairly invasive questions. Now I wont bore you with a long Authores note like I usually do, Read and enjoy!
IOIOIO
McKay stared up at the ceiling of the sickbay with bad thought running through his head. Thoughts containing a certain Major (Or Lt. Colonel, whatever) and pointy objects. He was half way through a very inventive scenario involving a puddlejumper, a pitchfork and the three of Carson's mice when Dr. Beckett walked in.
"Don't look so glum, Rodney. You're not going to lose your wee little bum after all. The shock just…"
"Spare me the semantics, Doctor. Can I go?" Carson chuckled to himself, flipping through the chart.
"Well, the nurses found your bedside manner so charming they didn't want to let you go but I fought them tooth and nail to get your release papers signed so…"
"I'm allowed go?"
"Well if you would let me finish…"
"Maybe if you didn't take so long to say things then I would, now I have some pressing matters at hand. I have to find Major Sheppard and hurt him in some way." Carson chuckled again, handing Rodney his jacket.
"Fat chance, Rodney. He's gone over to the mainland with Teyla. He could be all day."
"Wonderful." Rodney growled, pulling on the jacket. "Now do you think you could hand me my pants. In all fairness, that should have been the first thing you handed me."
"What did your last slave die of. Get them yourself."
"Dr. Beckett?" A nurse popped her head in and grinned at Rodney who was sitting on the side of the bed in his underpants.
"Why don't you take a picture, it'll last longer." He snapped at the young orderly who burst into a fit of giggles.
"Nice legs, McKay." She smirked before disappearing behind the curtain. Carson gave him an apologetic smile before following her out.
Rodney looked down at his legs, they were more toned than before. Must be all that fleeing from the Wraith. Without further contemplation he hopped down off the bed and retrieved his pants.
IOIOIO
Never mind Gestapo with a swinging lamp shade, this was a scene right out of the Matrix. There were three Athosians in black…well…not quite suits but a similar cut, surrounding him as he was sat at a desk. Sharin sat across from him, her weather worn face, business like and her eyes trained on Sheppard. Now Sheppard knew how Joe, the frog he dissected in high school felt. Poor Joe…why did he even remember what he called the damn frog?
"Major Sheppard, are you fertile."
Whatever question John had been expecting…it wasn't that.
"WHAT?"
"Are you capable of siring a child?" Sharin said as if speaking to a dimwitted child.
"I don't know! I never tried! Well I went through the motions but not for baby making purposes…why am I having this conversation with you? What the hell kind of a question is that?"
"This is unacceptable news, you will be tested immediately. You can choose to return to Atlantis and be tested by your own Doctor or by Seleri." She gestured to the tall, frail woman beside her who looked as if she had been around to see the Ancient Wars.
"What? What the…why do you need to know if I'm…you know…Why?"
"If you seek the hand of Teyla then you must be able to live up to the standards of the clan. You must be able to sire children. All Athosian children are tested for fertility on the eve of their eighteenth birthday. Do your people not have a similar custom?"
"NO! What? I'm not seeking Teyla's hand in marriage. Are you mad?" Sharin raised an eyebrow and shared a confused look with Seleri and the man beside her.
"It has been our understanding that you and Teyla, head daughter of the clan Emmagen, have become…close."
"There is a difference between close and baby making. A BIG difference." The man spoke.
"You and Teyla are showing the fruits of a budding young relationship. Before this is taken further you must be verified."
"So THIS is the Verification. Teyla mentioned that but…were do ye get off asking me such personal questions?"
"Teyla is the last of her line, we are the clan elders. Seleri is the chief healer, I am the chief consul and Sharin is Teyla's guardian. You must prove yourself worthy to us before any relationship can be started with Teyla." Sheppard nodded.
"Alright, does Teyla…well…what does she have to say about this." Sharin smiled suddenly, her features soft.
"She did not say much when we suggested it. She swallowed and mumbled a lot, fidgeting constantly. It is our belief Teyla is interested in you, are you not in her?" Sheppard tugged on the collar of his jacket needlessly.
"Well, sure, I mean. Teyla's a really pretty girl and she can handle herself and…she's really swell and stuff but…you know. Isn't this a bit fast. Shouldn't I prove myself to Teyla before you? We do have a custom similar to this on Earth, it's called…meeting the parents. But…it's not this…direct." Sharin smiled thoughtfully at him, her eyes staring right into him and weighing his soul. Sheppard was beginning to feel like being dissected wasn't such a bad thing compared to this.
"Do you wish to being a relation ship with Teyla?" Sheppard swallowed loudly. There it was, out in the open. Floating around like a giant neon sign and it spelt…Sheppard is an idiot.
"Well…"
"YES!" Sharin said loudly. "Or No?"
"…I…"
"Y…"
"YES! Okay, yeah, I do. I really like Teyla and I suppose, if I have to…do…this…then alright. But I'd like to get Dr. Beckett over here rather than you…Miss. Seleri. No offence but I'd just feel more comfortable with a guy than…" Sharin cut him off. Nodding understandingly.
"So be it, bring in the Doctor."
"WHAT? He's here?"
"I jus' got here actually. I was just collectin' supplies when they told meh to come in here. What's ailin' ya Sheppard?" Carson said, ducking into the tent.
"Uh…Carson…could you verify if I'm…well…fertile or not. I presume I am, but they want to know for definite." Carson stared at him blankly for a long while.
"What?" He said finally.
"Ask them, not me. If I want to date Teyla I have to pass these tests. Now, can you tell me or not?"
"Well, I can call one of those pretty girls in and I'll have the results for yeah in about nine months."
"Ha, ha."
"Of cours' I can ya silly bugger but…I think you better do this somewhere private. I'll need a sample." Sheppard nodded and swallowed.
"Alright then, may I ask what's after this?" Sharin nodded.
"There are two more trials."
"Gonna tell me what they are?"
"…no."
"Wonderful."
IOIOIO
Elizabeth checked her watch as AT-7 made their way back from exploring a planet the Athosians had suggested might trade with them. Judging by their shaking heads and pale faces they had found another empty village.
"Damn Wraith." Sleepy German guy mumbled as he shut down the gate. Weir nodded and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder as Rodney skipped into the control tower.
"Anyone seen Major Sheppard? He has a date with some hydrochloric acid to the groin and I don't want him to miss it." Elizabeth smiled as Rodney came to stand behind her and leaning back she let her eyes drift down to his behind.
"Elizabeth?"
"Yes Rodney?"
"Are you checking me out?"
"Just trying to figure out whether that ass was metal or not. Hard to tell."
"…I'll take that as a compliment…it is…right?" A young Irish girl at the console next to sleepy German guy giggled and became engrossed in a scratch on the surface of her console. "Right?"
"Yes Rodney. It's a compliment." Rodney beamed.
She likes my butt. Oh yeah, score one for team McKay.
"Well that's made my day. You know, you don't have a half bad behind yourself." Did I just put my foot in my mouth or is it my shoe I'm gagging on?
Much to Rodney's relief Weir laughed and began to walk to her office.
"Why thank you Rodney. I do try." Rodney found his eyes glues to the topic of their conversation as she walked away. Was it just him or was she walking with more of a swagger. He turned back to the gate to find the Irish and German both red faced and trying to control their laugher.
"What?" The German burst out laughing and the Irish girl let out a wolf whistle.
"You go McKay, you were in the zone." The German laughed.
"Really?" McKay asked, grinning despite himself.
"Turn around, give us a look at that thóin of yours." The Irish girl said, grinning at McKay who turned on heel and walked away with a sway in his hips.
"Rodney? Where do you think you're going?" Weir asked, coming out of her office.
"I…uh…was just."
"Have you forgotten about dinner together?"
"Uh no, take your time. I'll be here." He looked back at the two gate controllers. The German was mouthing the word 'Zone' and nodding and the Irish girl was smiling making encouraging motions. With his best winning smile he swept into her office.
"Bet you ten Euro he messes up." The German said, swivelling in his chair to face the young girl beside him.
"Oh come on, Alex. It's so obvious Weir digs him too." She said smiling.
"No, no Vicky. I'm telling you, he'll screw it up some how. I mean he nearly swallowed his foot there, he was so bad. He's lucky Weir has a sense of humour."
"What? I got it. He just has a particular sense of humour, it's an acquired taste, like cheese. I mean come on, the guys gorgeous, smart, funny. Weir and him, a done deal." Alex gave her a disbelieving grin.
"Put your money where your mouth is, mien little Leibshin."
"Alright, chara. Ten quid says they're together by the end of this fic…I mean year. Year."
"What the hells a fic?"
"Uh. Nothing, it's Irish for something…Shut up and go play minesweeper on your laptop."
IOIOIO
Sheppard had the eerie sense of déjà vu as he stood in a circle of Athosians in what they called ritual garb…he called it glorified underwear. As he resisted the urge to scratch his painted arms, he wondered how it could get worse. Superstition left over from his Grandmothers tales took over and he immediately look for a piece of wood to touch, dispelling the bad karma he built up by thinking that but as three people broke the ring, he realised it was far to late.
"John of Sheppard, warrior of the Tauri, you seek the hand of Teyla of Emmagen, leader of the people of Athos. Is this true?" The man, no, the Giant who stood at the head of the line asked and John swallowed convulsively around a knot it his throat.
"It is true." The man who stood next to him took a step forward at John's answer.
"You are not alone in the quest for Teyla's hand. There are those who would challenge you, do you believe you can keep her hand?" John recognised the man as one of the Athosians that Teyla trained. The guy was strong, fast and about six levels higher that John on the skill scale that the Athosians went by. He was also fairly sure that the guy had a major crush on Teyla.
"I would do everything in my power to keep it. Neither Wraith nor rain will take her, only time." He said, reciting the words Sharin had told him before tossing him into this ring of people in nothing more than a loin cloth and swirls of body paint. The paint on his cheeks was drying and irritating his skin and he had to fight the urge to scratch.
The young woman who stood next to the Athosian boy stepped forward.
"There are those of us who do not trust the Tauri. Who believe you will hurt Teyla or not live up to what she deserves. Do you believe you will make Teyla happy?"
"I will do everything in my power to make Teyla as happy as she deserves…and she deserves all the happiness in the world." This seemed to placate the young woman and she stepped back.
"Scaran?" He heard Sharin's voice. "Do you accept his answer?" The Athosian boy clenched his jaw.
"I do not!" He said loudly. "We do not know the Tauri! Their customs differ from ours. I asked the Tauri Doctor and he said a man can leave his wife if he grows tired of her. Who is to say that Sheppard will not grow tired of Teyla and leave her. Or take he back to Earth?" There was a murmur of agreement around the ring of gathered Athosians. "I CHALLENGE!" He said loudly and immediately two young boys of about ten ran into the circle holding the tonfa's that he and Teyla trained and fought with.
"And Boran, do you accept John's answer?"
"I believe he genuinely seeks Teyla's hand. Scaran challenges alone." The gigantic man stepped back, much to John's relief but now he was being advanced upon by Scaran.
"Oh, this wasn't how I planned on spending the day." He said to himself as Scaran tensed.
He could see by the tension in his left shoulder that he was going to come in low with the right Tonfa and try and get him in the side to leave his neck bare to attack. As Scaran attacked John parried both his blows and got him solidly in the knee before moving in for an uppercut with the but of his tonfa. It never hit as he found himself flying backwards, his head ringing from a blow.
"Damn you're fast." He groaned, getting up only to feel the tonfa slam between his shoulder blades forcing him to the ground.
"Pitiful, submit." He heard Scaran growl and Sheppard shook his head to clear the star from his vision. It was obvious that he wasn't going to be able to beat this guy using what Teyla taught him so it was time for a little old school.
John threw his Tonfas away and believing this to be submission, Scaran rose…only to have John to roll onto his back and bring his foot up sharply between Scaran's legs.
With a satisfying 'umph', Scaran fell to his knees, dropping his tonfas in favour of clutching at the damage area in an attempt to relieve the pain. Before he could retaliate, Sheppard kicked him again, this time his heel connected firmly with the mans cheek, sending him sprawling.
"An eye for an eye, a concussion for a concussion." Sheppard laughed as he leapt to his feet, moving into a stance he had seen Scorpion use in Mortal Kombat. As Scaran got to his feet Sheppard grabbed his sleeve and spun him to face him.
"Get over here." He said with a grin as he head butted the young Athosian, sending him to the floor. But not before he had grabbed a fistful of Sheppard jacket, thus bringing Sheppard crashing down with him. They rolled for several moments before Sheppard found himself pinned to the floor with Scaran's weight solidly on top of him. With a firm 'thud' their foreheads connected, once, twice and then a third time. This time accompanied by a loud crack as Sheppard angled his head a little lower, breaking the Athosian's nose. They scuffled for several more moments before Sheppard was able to get away. The moment he turned Scaran was on him and Sheppard delivered six solid punched to the mans chest sending him wheezing to the floor.
"Hukto shinken has no equal." Sheppard quipped, putting on a Japanese accent. "How about this. Keo-ken, time ten!" Drawing both his hands back, he ran forward, punching Scaran with both fists in the stomach as Scaran rose. The hit Scaran got to his jaw was trivial as Sharin commanded them to stop.
"Pride shall lead to no ones downfall. Sheppard has won the right of Teyla's hand. All that is left is the Rite of Flowers." Sheppard would have laughed if he wasn't on the floor gasping for breath and urging the world to stop spinning. Flowers, would be easy compared to this…now time to scratch like a man possessed.
IOIOIO
"Personally I think Zelenka was actually enjoying it! Smug little Russian twat." Rodney grumbled as he and Elizabeth walked to the Mess Hall.
"Eh…Rodney? He's not Russian." Rodney's step faltered.
"He's not? Where the hell is from then?"
"The Czech Republic." Rodney's mouth dropped open.
"That explains so much." Rodney said absent minded, continuing on his way to the Mess.
"You know, Rodney. It was actually kinda funny to watch. You did get a bit hysterical."
"OH PLEASE! I was being anally electrocuted! Tell me you wouldn't be a bit panicked. It hurt! It hurt a lot! And when I get my hands on Sheppard I'm going to hospitalise him."
"Too late." A voice said behind him and they both turned to see Ford coming out of a nearby corridor. "Didn't you hear? Sheppard's in the Infirmary. I was just going there to see him now."
"What? Why? What happened?"
"Apparently he got beat up in some sort of Athosian courtship ritual." At this McKay began to laugh so hard he fell to his knees, clutching his sides. Ford smirked. "I know, it sounds pretty dodgy but he's beat up pretty bad. Beckett says he has a concussion and had some allergic reaction to the body paint." McKay doubled up on the floor in laughter, howling about body paint.
"I better go check in on him. I hope he's going to be okay." Weir said turning to walk the same way as Ford. As McKay regained his composure he turned to face Elizabeth.
"But Elizabeth, what about…?"
"We'll have to reschedule. I'll comm. You." She said, tapping her ear piece even as she ran towards the infirmary. McKay's crestfallen look stopped Zelenka in his tracks as he rounded the corner.
"Rodney? Are you alright?" Immediately is turned to a look of irritation that Radek was far more familiar with.
"Yes, why wouldn't I be? What do you want?" Zelenka smirked minutely as he and Rodney fell into step.
"Ve've found something I think you'll find interesting. It's a lab…and it's completely empty." Rodney paused, shooting a completely dumbfounded look to the Czech.
"And an empty lab would interest me…how?"
"Rodney. It's empty but it has zese holes…"
"Stop right there, you want me to have a look at a room full of holes?"
"Rodney, you're not listening. Zere are zese holes on ze ceiling and floor vich make me think zat it was a…"
"Don't think, you're not paid to think. Just show me." Rodney said irritably with a small sigh. His stomach chose that moment to make a loud grumble and he began scowling at the floor as he reached for his powerbar…his pocket was empty. "Oh for the love of…" He was about to turn back when a packet of crisp was pushed into his hand.
"That'll do ya." The young woman he recognised from the control room was standing in front of him.
"What flavour?" He asked, holding up the bag.
"Salt and vinegar. Last packet of Tayto's in the galaxy."
"I'm honoured." Rodney deadpanned, taking a handful and chewing it experimentally.
"Rad, I need to talk to you a minute." She said, turning to Zelenka with a brilliant smile.
"Did she agree?" Zelenka asked with barely suppressed glee. She smiled even brighter and he gave out a woop of joy, scooping her up in his arms "PODIVUHODNY!" He shouted, spinning her around. Rodney rolled his eyes, making short work of the crisps as Zelenka chattered on in Czech. Apparently the girl understood although Rodney was fairly sure she wasn't Czech. The accent sounded all wrong.
"Oh please, will you to get a room?" Rodney snapped irritably. People just didn't have the right to be happy now that his day had been ruined.
"We just did!" The girl giggled, detaching herself from Zelenka's arms with a final peck to his cheek. "I'm sorry, I'll let ye get on with your work." She said grinning and before she left she threw her arms around Rodney. "Don't be so sad, I'm sure everything will work out all right." She whispered to him before continuing down the hall, Zelenka shouted something after her in Czech which made her laugh and wave him off before she disappeared around the corner. The dopy grin on the scruffy scientists face made Rodney want to hit him but he resisted the urge to thump him with the empty bag of crisps, instead licked the salt off his fingers.
"What was that about?"
"Oh, it's nothing. Come on, I better show you zat lab. Zat'll put you in a good mood." Zelenka said, all but skipping down the hall.
"You know…" Rodney said, hanging back. "I think I'll clock off early. I'm tired and I'm hungry and not in the best of moods. You can show me this wonderlab of yours tomorrow." Rodney sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"But Rodney, I vont be here tomorrow, it's my day off. Remember?"
"Well then, the city wont sink because it took me a few days to look at some room. Now, I'm heading back to my quarters. I stink of vinegar now and I need a shower." Zelenka's eyes widened. This wasn't good, Sheppard wasn't out of the infirmary yet! The Walky Talky hadn't been put in place and it could be weeks before another opportunity like this arose.
"RODNEY! Just because you are in a bad mood does not mean you can blow off your duties. Now you come to lab. Zis is important!" Rodney took a step back at Zelenka's outburst. "Also, I AM paid to think and the city could sink because I believe this is a room to let off water if the city floods. It's not ze first we've found and you've already caused me enough grief today so COME ON!" Rodney's eyebrows were loitering around his hairline, and expression of utter shock on his face.
"ME? What did I do?"
"Let's just say that a few Marines heard you calling me Pollyanna and zought it vould be funny to put my hair in pig tails while I slept."
"I called you Pollyanna about an hour or two ago. How did they manage that?"
"I apparently found a machine that emits subsonic music to lull a person to sleep. Like a sleeping pill just no ingestion required. I woke up in the chair room with my hair in pigtails and Sergeant Bates laughing so hard he was on the floor. AND! Before you say anything, I know it you who called me Pollyanna because Kavanugh told me in the nicest possible way…He sang. Do you have any idea how disturbing it is to have Kavaughna sing to me? VERY! If you were wondering, now, because you are having a bad day is no reason to make mine any worse that it already is."
"You seemed pretty happy a minute ago with…what's her face…uh…"
"Vicky."
"Yeah, Vicky. What's up with that?" Zelenka smiled whimsically as he led Rodney down a darkened corridor. This was obviously a new part of the city and they hadn't routed power here.
"It was nothing that'd interest you. Just a few minor details." Zelenka said, waving him off as they turned again into a damp corridor. Once in the room Rodney looked around. It was empty, completely devoid of everything, even a proper floor. The place looked like the inside of a vegetable strainer.
"Look." Zelenka walked over to the far wall and reached inside one of the holes, he pulled out a long cylinder and sliding the casing around he revealed a control panel. "According to zis zere is one on every floor of every building in every wing. Zey are just in case the building floods. You see, Ven water enters it drains through the holes until it reaches the basement where it is pumped through a series of pipes, through the mainland into a giant cirque in the mountains."
"Mountains? There are no mountains on the mainland." Zelenka smiled and turned around.
"Ze mainland…zat way."
"But that's a few hundred miles away. It takes a half an hour to get there by puddle jumper." Zelenka grinned.
"Exactly. It pumps it far away from the city, there is hydraulics in the basement which pump the water at high speed pressure. The more water zere is, the faster it will drain." Rodney nodded, his eyes lighting like a boy after finding some candy.
"So you mean…"
"If ze city ever floods vile ve're underwater, it'll buy us a few days. Eventually the sheer volume of water will over power the systems but with the water proof bulkheads in place, it should slow the creep of water enough to last us roughly 72 hours. But, more immediate. It can pump out all of the city that is still partially flooded in a matter of minutes." Rodney eased Zelenka out of the way, putting his hand on the cylinder and poking a few controls.
"This is amazing! I better Comm. Elizabeth and tell her." Rodney said with glee, tapping his earpiece. "Elizabeth! Elizabeth!"
"Yes Rodney?" She asked, she sounded as if she was trying not to laugh, wasn't she going to see Sheppard? How as that funny?
"Elizabeth, you'll never believe what Zelenka and I've found."
"And I?" Zelenka mouthed irritably. "You didn't find it at all."
"Shut up. Elizabeth, you have to see this. It's the solution to all our problems. Well not all of them but a LOT of them."
"Alright Rodney, I'm on my way." She said, sniggering lightly.
"Oh laugh it up, you're not the one who's BRIGHT FRICKEN…" Sheppard's voice was cut off as Weir broke the connection.
"Boy…I'd love to see how this works…"
"DON'T!" Zelenka shouted but it was two late. Water began to pout through the room drenching the two scientists. Zelenka, who was nearer to the door, managed to throw himself out of the way, however Rodney was lost inside the downpour. By the time Weir arrived it was easing off from a wall of water to just a waterfall in the middle of the room and Rodney was lying face down to one side, drenched to the bone and covered with seaweed.
"Oh my God." Weir gasped, running to his side and flipping him over. Zelenka immediately swooped in to start CPR. After one breath of air Rodney began to cough up the water he had swallowed and opened his bleary eyes to see Zelenka inches away.
"GAH!" He pushed Zelenka away and rolled to his feet, still coughing. "Please tell me it wasn't you who did mouth to mouth."
"You had swallowed water. Vat was I supposed to do?"
"You couldn't have let Elizabeth? I wouldn't have minded her doing it." Zelenka and Elizabeth shared an amused look.
"Why thank you Rodney." She said, unsure of what to make of it.
"Of course, its not like ze first time you've woken to find it's not actually Elizabeth." Zelenka muttered low so that only Rodney could hear.
"WATCH IT MISTER!" He said, casting a worried glance between Elizabeth and Radek.
"Eh…Rodney? What's on your neck?" Rodney's hand immediately went to his neck to find a bright pink star fish like being clung to it.
"NO! No! Not a starfish! I HATE THEM! Oh God! Why is this happening to me? Alien succubus are Sheppard field! Oh God, oh God, oh God." He promptly passed out.
IOIOIO
A/N: ROTFL! Oh, you're going to hate me. Okay, Rodney didn't singing this Chapter but I promise he'll sing in the next one. I've picked out what song already and hopefully you'll like it. Now, to make it backfire on Sheppard or not. Hmm. Also, if you thought the invasive questions and beating Sheppard got was bad then wait until the rite of flowers Snigger Sounds so innocent, doesn't it. Also, that's why Zelenka was so annoyed with Rodney, because of the Pollyanna thing…hmm…Kavughna singing. There's and interesting idea for a fic. Finally I'd like to apologise for over use of anime quotes, I just got my monthly shipment of Manga and had it on the brain. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, you've made my week! Love ya guys!