Revenge, two sugars, no milk.
By Estellio
Rating: Pg-13
Pairing: McWeir, Sheyla.
Warnings: Vengeful pranks (Tee hee)
Summary: Pay back time, Sheppard style. Sequel to Truth Or Dare.
A/n: Guest appearance by that Doctor who appeared for one word in chapter eight. Ye seemed to like him so much I decided to bring him back, also, despite the really Chinesey name he's Welch. Why? Because someone dared me to do a Welch accent in typing. It's really hard! Forgive me! Also, phwoar! What's with the freaky login and update page. It's all so crazy. Change it back, this way is icky looking and a bitch to navigate. Bad bad!
Shippie: (Strums guitar) If mens libidos were weapons...(Strum) We'd all be so screwed and poor ol' America, jsut wouldn't know what to do (Strum, strum) Enrique Murciano would just have to be locked away and lets not eventalk about what we'd have to do to McKay! (strum)
Sorry, you said you wanted a song. Neh, I'm on a coffee high.
Orka's brother: Hey there! Sorry it took me so long to update, hey Orka, go tell him. Hope you enjoy and thanks for comparing me to Jesus...or at least who ever wrote the Bible. I do happen to think of McKay kinda like a god. lol. Anyway, thanks for the really long review. Longest I've ever gotten. I'll treasure it always.
Weirfan: Aw, thanks. Well here it is, the new, impoved and lemon scented chapter. Tell your friends I said hi. lol.
Planetkiller: Like the name, anyway. Teehee. Read on and see what the lederhosen are for. I love that word so much. Ledderhosen. Lllleeeeeddderhosssen. Oh, off the ponit. Glad you're enjoying the fic and I'll probably open up a wratihbait account and post a horrible R rated version with all the smutty jokes I can pack into one fic. But if wishes were horses then I'd be making a lot of wishes. Hmm...good point on the Pegasus thing. (goes off and thinks about it)
Anni K: Sorry, I forget people don't speak like that and it comes out in my writing. I'll stop now also Raises Cork banner and waves it) Aha! Up the Rebels! WAAAAY! There'll be an explanation of that in the epilogue I'm planning. Probaly will never get written but it's planned (waves banner some more) Also, did someone say I was from Kerry in an earlier review? Shame on you, green and yellow so doesn't go with my complexion. red and white all the way. Up the Rebels (Dances with banner) Okay, enough of that, onto the fic.
IOIOIO
"Alright Doctor, you're ready ta go." Beckett said, removing the last bandage from Doctor Whoton-wong's, more commonly known as Doctor Who's, face. "Jus' remember ta apply the cream TWICE a day. When ya get up and before ya go to sleep, otherwise yer skin wont heal properly."
"Thank yeh Doc." He said tiredly. "When ken I go back n'duty?" Beckett thought for a moment.
"Not three weeks at least, for full duty that is, we can probably get ya on light duty in about a week an' a half but ta be on the safe side we'll leave it fer two. I expect ta see you here after dinner every day. Now, now, off with you. It's nearly nine in the mornin' an I'm expecting Major Sheppard in here in abou twenty minutes." "Dr. Who raised one singed eyebrow.
"Why? His team r'n'downtime till da day aft'tomorrow." Beckett smiled evilly.
"You may not know this but Sheppard has been getting a little pay back on his team after the incident of the underpants. You heard about that right?" At Doctor Who's affirmative nod Beckett bent down beside him and began to snigger quietly. "Well, he enlisted Radek's help, right? Now he's after pissing Radek off big time and so he asked me ta help him get a little revenge."
"What did you do?" Whoton asked, smiling like the boy who just got the candy after all.
"You'll see, let's just say that his Barney the dinosaur impression is going to get a lot more accurate." Beckett winked. "After all, Barney's renowned for his dancing." Without further ado the Scot ushered the Welch man out of his infirmary. "Twice a day! Don't forget or your skin will just peel right off." Zelenka, who was just entering the infirmary, shivered.
"Vat pleasant mental imagery you invoke doctor. Have you administered the…medicine…to Major Sheppard?"
"About an hour ago, it should be taking effect any minute now." Radek smiled evilly and walked to the door of the infirmary.
"I'll be back in a moment, I must get ze camera. He'll never live this down." Before he could leave a relatively tall smurf marched past. "Vas that a smurf I just saw walk past?"
"Knowing this city? Probably."
IOIOIO
John turned the page of War and Peace and smiled triumphantly. He had finally done it. It may have taken him nearly a year but he had finally done what he deemed the impossible….reached page fifty!
"Well, that's enough of that then." He said to himself, laying the book aside and resuming his far more favoured task of staring at the ceiling. He wiggled slightly in the bed, feeling a mild tingle along his skin. He presumed it was just the medicine Beckett gave him, to take away the colour, taking effect. He rose his hand and looked at it, examining the purple swirls that covered his entire arm and back. He scratched his stomach idly, looking down at the green floral patterns that made him feel like an old ladies doily that had been the subject of a horrible colour run with her green stockings or something of the sort.
His door beeped and he stopped his musings on his stomach, realising just how unhealthy a thing that was anyway. Thinking about your stomach as a separate entity was one step away from turning into Rodney who seemed to worship his stomach like a god.
"Come on in!" He shouted and immediately regretted it as the door slid back slower than he ever remembered it doing and in true, black and white horror film style a mysterious fog began to roll in and around the silhouetted figure before him.
"OH NO! It's happening again! HEIGHTMYER! IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!"
"There is no one coming to help you John…" The figure said as the door slid shut behind them, cutting off the fog.
"…Teyla?" She stepped into the light and no amount of military training could have prevent the tears of laughter than ran down John's face as he doubled over, laughing harder than he ever had before.
Standing before him, her skin royal blue and wearing white lederhosen was Teyla Emmagen…and she was pissed. Not in the good, I just had enough Tequila to bathe in kinda of way but in the, I've just been dyed blue and all my clothes, save for a pair of white lederhosen, have been stolen, kind of way. John was afraid, he had just pissed off the only person on Atlantis who could kick his ass with her bare hands and his P-90 was in the bathroom…don't ask.
"Teyla…you're looking…A little…blue." He doubled over in laughter again but she just seized him by the scruff of the neck and hauled him to his feet.
"Do you think this is funny?" She asked, indicating herself. John looked up and down.
"I've never seen someone pull off Lederhosen with such style before. Wow!" Placing his hands on her hips he drew her close. "You're really pretty." She glared at him.
"I'm blue." John could actually hear the vehemence in her words.
"Don't worry, it's skin dye. It'll wash out with a shower."
"I tried. I was in the shower when it happened." She said, half pouting. John just smiled and tapped her nose with his index.
"That's cause your shower isn't magical. Look…" He walked over to his dresser and pulled out a small bottle labelled 'Peroxyfiladine, do not drink'
"Well, a little squirt of this on a sponge should do the trick. At least that's what Beckett said. Stick it on a sponge, scrub well and rinse thoroughly and you'll have the cleanest, brightest baby skin in the whole wide world. But since you seemed to be completely dyed, like…all over, I think you'll probably need someone to…you know…scrub your back?" Teyla grinned.
"You, Major Sheppard, are a bad man." He shook his head.
"Nah, now when I drop the tape over there into the science lab…then I'll be bad." Teyla looked over and picked up the small tape.
"What's on it?"
"Oh…Just a few love songs."
"Can I listen?" He nodded but gave her a little push towards the shower.
"After the shower." He urged. "Three down, one to go." He whispered to himself with a snigger.
Two hours and a suitable amount of Nc-17 later, the still multicoloured John Sheppard and the relatively normal coloured Teyla, stepped out of the shower. John itched his shoulder uncomfortably.
"Are you alright?" He shook his head.
"My skin feels weird, that's all." He said, scratching his hip as he tied his pants.
"Maybe you should go see Doctor Beckett." Teyla suggested, routing through the chest he had hidden her clothes in. She pulled out the camel fighting top and pair of dark leather pants.
"Nah, Doctor Weir wants to see me in her office in about ten minutes. We stayed a lot longer in the shower than we should have. " Teyla nodded and picked up his comb, running it through her long hair.
"After your meeting then." He grunted.
"It's probably just that stuff Beckett gave me for the colour. I'm still purple and green though. He said it'd only take an hour to take effect." He scratched his neck and shifted uncomfortably. "That was three hours ago." He twisted his arm uncomfortably around to scratch an itch beneath his shoulder blade. "Anyway, I better go." He reached across and kissed Teyla on the cheek before stepping out into the still roiling fog that felt warm and clammy to the skin. Immediately the itchiness he had been suffering from disappeared and he continued on to Weir's office. A scrawny doctor waved at him.
"Evenin' Major. How ya feelin'?" He asked.
"Good, you?"
"Tryin' ta fix da damn hot wa'er pipe, as ya can see. Steam goin' ever'wha. I'll see you lata!" Sheppard smiled and waved.
What a strange accent. Wonder where he's from.
Sheppard though and watched with interest as Kavanaugh ran past, his hair on fire, with Zelenka running after him with a towel screaming in Czech and trying to beat the fire off of his head with the said towel
"…That was a little…random." He said to himself, stepping into the transporter and heading to the control room. McKay was already in Weir's office, blue hat jammed firmly on his head and looking as if he had just been dressed down, had on the carpet, chewed up and spat back out. (These are actual disciplinary terms you dirty dirty minded people.)
"Seriously Rodney. I may have to demote you for this and place Zelenka as head Scientist."
"I…"
"I don't want to hear it!" Sheppard looked between them and resisted the urge to whisk off McKay's hat. Weir's hair, he noted with some dismay, was still brown.
"What happened?" Sheppard asked, jamming his hands in his pockets as his chest suddenly became itchy again.
"Rodney set Kavanaugh's hair on fire." She said, glaring at Rodney.
"For what? Making fun of the hat?" Sheppard asked smirking. Rodney glared at him.
"Don't make me hurt you."
"Why are you wearing the hat anyway?"
"Don't make me hurt you."
"Rodney?"
"I am going to hurt you now…"
"BOYS!" They both turned to face a very annoyed looking Weir. "If you are quite finished…Rodney, I'll speak with you later, what was it you wanted Major?" McKay turned to leave and Sheppard could resist. In one fluid motion, he stepped forward with his hand making a graceful arc over McKay's head and dragging the hat off McKay on the downward slope to reveal a shocking head of pink hair.
"WHAT THE!" Sheppard began, realising the significance behind this simple colour.
"SHEPPARD!" Grabbing the hat from a stunned Sheppard, McKay jammed it back on his head and fled.
"But that…that…" Sheppard's face was split in two with a large grin. "You and McKay…You're…This is wonderful news! When did this happen?" Weir raised an eyebrow at him, her mouth forming a thin disapproving line.
"When did what happen, Doctor McKay and I are what?" She asked smoothly. Sheppard saw the predatory glint in her eye and panicked. She was onto him. Just like she had noticed his porcupine hands she was connecting the dots between the pranks and him.
"Nothing. Misinterpretations, crossed wires, gorilla's in the mist, pink pachyderms…I think I just made that word up." Weir shook her head, a small smile playing on her lips.
"You didn't but you did use it in the wrong context." He nodded.
"Right, you wanted to talk to me about something?" Weir nodded, the mysterious smile still playing on her lips
Oh no. She's onto me. I'm sooooooo dead. Sheppard thought panicked. Now that she has warning about the dye I need to think of something else but it has to be subtle, something she couldn't' possibly connect back to me. He scratched his neck idly and tried to key into what Weir was saying. But what could I possibly do…maybe I can involve the Pink Panther in this, get him double whammy…nah, giving Kavanaugh the tape will be enough. Considering Rodney just set his hair on fire he'll use it to its full advantage. All I need to do now is to get Weir back and the circle will be complete. The dye wont work so. He paused to respond to the question Weir had asked him while scratching his stomach and thigh at the same time. It is not a well known fact but men can pursue a completely separate train of thought while listening to what women are saying and looking like they're interested while screening the conversation for sentences like 'they're coming over on Tuesday' 'It only costs 9.95' 'they can have that delivered in blue too' and of course 'are you listening?' Ah yes. Tava beans…how did they come up in conversation I wonder. Mm…Tava. That really is a cool word. Tava. Tava. Tava. Tava…Okay. I've gone waaaaay off the point. What was I thinking of before the Tava, Tava, Tava beans? Hmm…Ah yes! Pachyderms…No…no after that…Ah yes. A prank for Weir. Since the dye didn't work I am going to have to come up with something even more ingenious, cunning, roguish and various other words that make me sound cool…like Tava. Hold on! Did she just say they're coming over on Tuesday! I NO! I missed my cue!
"Tuesday you say…why?"
"For negotiations, I told you. The Ovarianians have agreed to trade medicinal herbs with us in exchange for some of our medical techniques. Were you even listening?"
"…Yes. Ovarianians? What a name, makes them sound like…well…you know." She raised an eyebrow.
"I expect you and your team to be ready Major. Dismissed." Major Sheppard never bolted out of a room as fast in his whole entire life. A stomach grumble sent him in the direction of the Mess Hall where he met up with a rather pleased looking Ford and Sergeant Bates. Sheppard scratched his upper arm as he made his way over to them.
"Lieutenant, Sergeant." He said nodding to both of them. "How come you look so pleased Ford?" Ford grinned and held up a spoon full of wobbling blue jello.
"Jello Sir. We have Jello for dessert today. Isn't that just the coolest word you've ever heard? Jjjjelllllooo." Sheppard stared at his Lieutenant for several minutes while scratching his ribs.
"…The Doc has you on those antihistamines again, doesn't he?" Ford shrugged and ate the spoonful of Jello he had with a highly satisfied look on his face. "In any case, Tava is a far cooler word." He was about to join the cue for food when an ingenious idea struck him. "Jello! That's it!" Abandoning the dinner he ran to his room with Bates and Ford casting odd looks after him.
"Is he alright?" Bates asked.
"I worry about him sometimes." Ford said. "But he's fine. He looked a little uncomfortable though, didn't he?"
"Yeah, what was with all the scratching?" Ford shrugged.
"Bad cloth conditioner probably. Wiggly Jello. Mmm." Bates gave him an odd look.
"Sheppard isn't the only one you should be worried about, there, Ford. Also, did ya hear McKay's hair is pink?"
"No, wonder why?"
"Probably some crazy device or Kavanaugh did it."
"Why do you say that?"
"Cause McKay set him on fire." Ford looked up, this was far more interesting than Jello.
"Really? When?"
"About twenty minutes ago. I don't know the specifics but they were working with a device that produces fire from one end McKay just sorta pointed it at Kavanaugh's ponytail." Ford had to hold his nose to stop Jello coming out.
"Is he going to be alright?" Bates shrugged.
"Probably, with all the gel in his hair it probably created a fire proof coating."
"I thought gel was flammable."
"Either way his hair is a lot shorter. Like…normal people short." Ford shivered.
"Kavanaugh without his hair…weird." Bates gave a grunt and started into his own green Jello.
IOIOIO
A/N: I hate to fit the word pachyderm in there somewhere. I read it somewhere and although I have no idea what it means I know that it sounds cool and is in Spanish: paquidermo French: pachyde me German: Dickhauterand Italian: pachiderma. Amazing the things you find on the internet. Also, while a friend of mine was consoling me after a teacher 'had me on the carpet' teehee, I learned all these useful, sexually orientated phrases for 'she gave out to me' I know I said in a past chapter somewhere that this was drawing to a close but I really think there is only going to be one, maybe two at a stretch chapters left. I have to finish this fic before July 8 because I'll be going to Dublin on a course for three weeks and I'll have no access to a computer for any serious length of time. Not long enough to write anyway. Writers block is still hampering my progress and my muses are high on drugs and to busy talking to themselves to tell me anything. Also, does anyone know what the term "The pink pachyderm between us" means? I really need to find this out. Anyway, this A/N is nearly as long as the fic so time for the traditional begging for a review (Begs, whimper, simper, poke) review goddamit! Thanks to everyone who's reviewed over the course of this fic too, you all deserve digital cupcakes (Hands out digital cupcakes)