Revenge, two sugars, no milk.
By Estellio
Rating: Pg-13
Pairing: McWeir, Sheyla.
Warnings: Vengeful pranks (Tee hee)
Summary: Pay back time, Sheppard style. Sequel to Truth Or Dare.
Mr Pace: I would like to inform you that I now consider you a freakin' legend and should you ever decided to move to Ireland and work in Christ King Secondary School you will be much appreciated. Yours truly, Estellio. P.s. Don't steal my songs.
Orka: Why can't I have your History teacher? Mine may have the coolest hair this side of the Lee but she's a recruiter for the IRA and scares us talking about the 800 years of war, famine and suppression which makes up out fourteen year history course. Yes there were two bothersome world wars, several revolutions, a renascence and Roman Empire but they're not covered by out teacher who practically walks around with the Irish flag on her head. Crazy lady. Also, I wrote the last chapter on MS-notebook which doesn't have a spell check to speak of. I read over it several times but...ah well.
IsmiseSteph: You're a Dubliner who supports Wexford...3 weeks in Dublin automatically means CTYI to you, your name is Steph and you support Wexford. There's only person I know of who fits that description. STEPHANIE! Why didn't you tell me it was you? For the love of...how did you find my account? Go away, shoo, shoo, you're not allowed read any more of my fics because you're strange and support Wexford and taunted me all the way home from the GAA match. Well Cork won the Munster Finals so suck on it! We've got the best team in the league and are coming fer yeah ya bloody yellow and purple striped hooligan. (If you are not in fact the same Stephanie asI think you are I greatly apologised.
Fanwoman: You are the only person I know who writes reviews nearly as funny as fanfiction. I've actually done a pic of that on my deviant art account. I'm beginning to illustrate the fic. It's only a quick drawing I did in like ten min and you'll find the link in my profile. Also, please, for the sake of keyboard manufacturers everywhere…stop drinking and reading. Please.
To everyone who told me what a pachyderm was: Thanks for explaining what a pachyderm was. I was so confusadededed.
IOIOIO
Weir paced in her office uneasily. It had been three hours since she had seen Sheppard or McKay…or that anyone had seen them to be honest. Bates had told her that he and Ford had seen Sheppard at lunch and he seemed really excited at the prospect of Jello but that was the last anyone had seen of him and he wasn't responding to calls. McKay was last seen in the lab listening to a walkman. He had gone bright purple and stormed out and hadn't shown up for lunch nor duty! She had tried calling him also but to no avail, it was like they had just dropped off the face of Atlantis…knowing them they probably had.
"If anyone knows where Rodney is it's Radek." She reached across and commed Zelenka but got no reply. She tried coming the labs and got Kavanaugh.
"Come to think of it, Doctor Weir, I haven't seen either of them in quiet some time." He said, shrugging. Weir had to force herself to respond and not stare at the short hair he now sported.
"Alright, well if you see them tell them that I'm looking for them, alright Doctor Kavanaugh?"
"Can't I help you with it?" He asked, causing her to bristle at his tone.
"It's alright, I'll comm. Later if I need help." She switched off the screen and resumed pacing. Who else on Atlantis might know where they were?
"Carson." She said and the lights in the room changed suddenly, becoming warmer and slightly brighter. She shrugged and moved to the Comm. Paging the infirmary. She got nurse Zileki, a rather strict looking Russian who probably would demand to be called Matron.
"I 'ave not seen him in hours. He left with se Czech and Doctor McKay nearly two hour ago. I have not seen 'im since then. Can I 'elp you?"
"No, no Doctor Zileki. It'll hold. Do you know where they were going?" The nurse shrugged.
"Nah, but Beckett did say something about pollen samples in se Major's salve. He may have gone to check up on se Major." Weir nodded.
"Alright, thank you Doctor. Weir out." She switched off the Comm. And buried her face in her hands.
Pollen samples! Whatever next?
She made the decision to check up on the Major and grabbing her jacket, she marched out into the Control room. Sleepy German guy was lounging in his chair, staring at the screen…well…sleepily.
"Slee…I mean, Alexander." He perked up and turned around.
"Ja?"
"Keep up shop, I have to run an errand. At-2 are due back soon and I want you to tell Lieutenant Palmer that I'll need to speak with her about her proposal and I'll debrief her team this afternoon. If anything urgent needs my attention I have my phone with me." She patted the small mobile in her pocket and Alex nodded, turning back to the screen.
"Zehr gut." He mumbled and continued to stare at the screen sleepily, his eyes moving as if he was reading something.
"What's that?" Weir asked and he grinned.
"Fanfiction."
"Fanfiction?"
"A story written by a fan for his or her favourite Tv programme. Or movie, or comic or book or game or…"
"I get the picture, what's it on?" Alex winked.
"Flash Gordon." She threw her eyes skyward.
"I'll leave you to it. You haven't seen Major Sheppard have you?"
"he was outside his quarters bare arse naked about five minutes ago." This stopped Weir in her tracks.
"What?"
"Yes, I feel a lot better about myself now."
"…I don't want to know. I don't want to know." He cast her one last smirk and turned back to his fanfiction.
"Oh no! Ming, that fiend!"
Leaving Sleepy German guy to his crazy story she raced down the corridor towards Major Sheppard quarters.
"ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! YOU WIN! IT'S IN MY DESK! THIRD DRAWER!" She paused when she heard his voice and the pounding of a fist on a door. Turning the corner she immediately swung around and closed her eyes. Facing back the way she came.
"Major, you're not wearing any pants. Why aren't you wearing any pants?"
"Rodney took them AGAIN! You damn pants perv!" She slipped back off her jacket and threw them to him.
"Alright, it's safe to turn around now." He said and when she turned she saw he had her jacket knotted around his waist and had resumed banging on the door. "LET ME BACK IN! I WANT MY PANTS!"
"Kousat mne!" She heard Zelenka shout back and sighed. Looking around Weir spotted a camera pointed at Sheppard that had been duck taped to the ceiling. She walked up to it and ripped it down.
"I know you can see me Rodney, Radek, Carson. Open the door now or by god I'll hang, draw and quarter ye on the promenade to an Athosian ritual dance. Understood?" She could almost hear their collective gulps and looking over at the Major she could see the scratch marks on his arms and torso as even know he vigorously itched himself. "Also, I want you to reverse whatever the hell you did to the Major. Okay? Now, open the door."
Seconds later there was a beep and the door slid open. Sheppard ran inside and pulled out along, dark blue bobbled robe which he immediately threw on and began the hunt for his underwear. Looking around the room she couldn't' see hide nor hair of the three scientists. She approached the bathroom and tried to open the door. Not to her surprise she realised it was locked and she had to hot wired it the way Rodney had shown her during one of their impromptu 'closet inspections'. When inside she found it equally as empty and grinning she pulled back the shower curtain to find the three Doctor's huddled in a four by four shower cubicle.
"Hello boys."
"Doctor Weir. Vat a surprise. We were just talking about you." Reaching out she snatched the tapes from Rodney's hands.
"No!" He began, reaching for the audio tape but she just shook her head.
"Now, I'm going to make you a deal. I'm going to destroy these and not put this into a report and ye never do it again. Otherwise, it wont be Pollen and video tapes you'll have to worry about…it'll be me." The fake sweet smile on her face chilled them to the bone and Carson whimpered, grabbing McKay and pulling him a little closer. The lights in the room dimmed as Weir walked out to find Sheppard already dressed and loading his P90. "What are you going to do with that?" She asked and he grined.
"Shh, be wery, wery, qwiet. I'm gowin wabbit huntin." Weir grinned and took his P90.
"I think I'll keep a hold of all your weaponry for the next few days if you don't mind." With an arm full of tapes and guns Weir made her way back to her office.
"Give me the tape." Sheppard said, stretching out his hand and Carson, Radek and Rodney stepped out of his bathroom.
"Uh…Major. The thing is…she took it." Rodney explained and Sheppard paled.
"…What?"
"She has it, and Rodney's tape." Carson said, making soothing motions towards the furious Major.
"I'm going to kill you." He said quietly and reached for his boot knife.
"US! This is all your fault!" Radek exploded.
"MY Fault?"
"YOU PRANKED US!" Rodney shouted, indicating his shock of pink hair, "WE ERE JUST GETTING PAYBACK!"
"Wasn't the itching enough for you? I feel like there are ants all over me!"
"We had to get the copies of the tapes you made of Rodney." Carson said calmly, trying to diffuse the situation. "When you came out of the shower we panicked."
"Where else would I have been! Water is the only thing that stops the itching. My god Carson, what is it? Make it stop?"
"It's a mild, non corrosive acid. There is trace amounts of base in the water of Atlantis which is why it helped. All I have to do is give you a body wash of the exact opposite ph of the scale and it'll go away. Do you have any other copies of Rodney singing?"
"No."
"Then let's get you back to sickbay and get you all itch free."
"Can you still do nothing about the colour."
"We'll see. We'll see." With an arm around his shoulder Carson led Sheppard out of his room and to the infirmary leaving Radek and Carson alone. They stood in silence for several minutes.
"What are we going to do?" Rodney asked quietly.
"We? She ain't got nothing on me druh. You're on your own. Can't you just cuddle up to her and nick it from her quarters during one of your 'scientific consultation sessions'."
"…When you say it like that it sounds so transparent."
"Rodney. Your hair is pink. There is nothing transparent about yours and Doctor Weirs relationship.
"Why did you and Carson itchify him anyway?"
"…Itchify."
"Shut up and answer the question."
"Oh, we were getting him back for implying that I'm a vomen and for pissing off Carson's new girlfriend."
"Carson has a girlfriend? When did that happen?"
"Vhen did you and Weir happen?" It was clear Radek was dodging the question and this piqued McKay's interest. He had sensed something odd was up with Carson for a while. He was never around, distracted at his post and even more quixotic than any Scotsman had a right to be and as far as he knew, Scot people invented the word quixotic.
"Oh, we were just talking and she jumped me. Carson's story?"
"He was just sitting in the chair and it jumped him."
"…"
"…"
"…What?"
"I'll talk to you later Rodney. I must go see if SuperKav hasn't blown something up yet." With that Zelenka began to make his way down the corridor. Rodney stood stunned for several seconds.
"…Radek? Radek? What do you mean the chair? Radek!"
IOIOIO
Elizabeth marched into the control room, occupied only by sleepy German guy who was in tears at the screen.
"Are you alright?" She asked, causing him to sniffle.
"I'm…I'm okay. It's just. Oh god, one of the guards managed to shoot Dale before Flash could get to her and now she's dieing in his arms. He told her he loved her but it turns out that she and Zarkov have been with each other all along and she has his baby and it was Thundar who double crossed them and that Aura is pregnant with Vultan's baby because he tricked her into thinking he was Flash and…Oh no. She's dead!" Weir took two calculated steps back and swallowed. She didn't understand most of what was said but she knew enough not to ask.
"I'm sorry…for your loss." She said and fled into her office. She dumped the two tapes, P90 and Desert Eagle onto her desk and threw herself down into the chair. So much had happened today and it was only Four O Clock.
At the wailing of a klaxon she left her office and moved to great AT-2. When several Wraith blasts came through the StarGate the moment they lowered the shield she knew something was gravely wrong. Palmer and her team came through with several scantily clad men and women whom it appeared were native to the planet.
"Weir." Palmer said, getting to her feet shakily. "The Wraith attacked half way through negotiations. These are the Yeomen of Yemen V and their women. We had no choice but to bring them." Weir nodded.
"I'll arrange quarters…why do I think of skimpy red dresses when I think of yeomen?"
"No idea, Sir, but Doctor McCoy said the exact same thing."
IOIOIO
Ten minutes later a certain Major with a certain agenda was making his way towards a certain place where certain things were. In other words, Sheppard had heard that Weir was with the yeomen (He was still sniggering at their name) and decided to boldly go where no one had gone without permission before…Doctor Weir's office. Of course, they'd all been summoned there at one point or another but the little office adjoining the briefing room was OFF LIMITS at any other time. Sleepy German guy had gone in there to get a pen and never came out. Well, he did come out but he was missing a large chunk of dignity and instead of the nice, coffee coloured complexion he was a bright, scolding red. To use Caron's favourite term 'He'd been had on the carpet seven ways till Tuesday'. First time Sheppard heard him say that he had turned around and walked right back out of the room. You could really take that saying the wrong way, you really could.
Pushing asides the thoughts of sexual innuendo filled euphemisms of the Scottish, he slid past the opening panels of the doors and stalked across the room. He felt like Snake from Metal Gear Solid or that Chinese guy from the ninja movie no one could ever remember the name of but had subtitles…what was that movie called? He'd have to ask Ford, Ford remembered abstract things like that but right now he had a more specific goal. He spied the tape on Weirs desk and picked it up. As far as he could tell it hadn't been played. Pocketing it he couldn't help but grin at Rodney's audio tape on the desk. Hopefully Weir'd listen to his horrid crooning and Rodney would never live it down.
For some odd reason he could hear Rodney singing 'I feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight!' in his head, even though he knew he sung 'I'm too sexy' and 'addicted to love' respectively. Oh dear lord why did he have an image in his head of Rodney in the chorus line of cats? Cat suit and all? He shuddered at the thought and turned to leave.
"Going somewhere Major?" He froze and stared in horror at the silhouette of Weir in the doorway. "Lights." The lights in the room lit up but stayed low as if to increase the drama of the situation and emphasise the threat of on coming doom.
"Doctor Weir? I was just looking for you." He tossed the video over his shoulder and back onto the desk. Hoping it would smash on the impact. If there was one thing the military didn't skimp on, it seemed, it was video tape cases. "Fiddlesticks."
"Sheppard, I've put up with a lot from you the past few days. I knew it was you who set up Aiden's underwear mishap but I looked beyond it because it was harmless fun and good for morale. I ignored the fact that you put pink hair dye in my room because seeing Rodney with pink hair is the funniest thing I think I've ever seen, hell, I didn't even have you confined to quarters for turning Teyla blue because I figured you were feeling a little lonely what with you being the only multicoloured person on base but I will not tolerate you stealing from me. Hand me the tape." He reached behind him and picked up the tape, handing it to Weir.
"I'm sorry…how did you know I did all that stuff/" He asked, raising an eyebrow. Weir smiled softly.
"When you showed me your porcupined hands I noticed pink dye beneath your fingernails. When I heard what happened to Ford it was only a matter of connecting the dots. As for Teyla and me? It wasn't hard to figure out who was behind that at all." Taking the tape she slipped it into a drawer in her desk and locked it.
"John, there is very little in Atlantis that can get past me. I worked as a Head in a college for six years, the children were better at keeping secrets than ye are. This is my world, I know all, I hear all and I see all?"
"Even when we're in the bathroom?"
"Especially when your in the bathroom."
"Oh…creepy. Anyway, I better just be going. You know…Er…Important things to do." Weir nodded and motioned to the door.
"It was interesting to watch but really John, you should know that you'd never be able to prank me." He sighed, his shoulders sagging.
"Ever think of taking up Black Ops?" Weir smiled enigmatically.
"Who's to say I haven't." Sheppard got the most paranoid look she had ever seen and all but fled. Weir waited until she was sure he was out of hearing range before bursting into a fit of laughter so hard it made her double over and clutch her stomach. When she had finally laughed till she got a cramp, she wiped away the tears and opened the drawer, slipping the tape into a small camera in a locker behind her. Pulling out the vid screen she pressed play. Five minutes later Sleepy German guy walked in to find her on the floor in a hysterical pile. He could hear someone singing in the background and picking up the camera he soon joined her on the floor.
"If all the raindrops were lollipops and gumdrops, oh what a rain that would be.
I'd stand outside with my mouth open wide.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,."
A naked dancing Major Sheppard singing Barney songs was just not something you could keep a straight face at. She had no idea how they had managed to get him to do that but she was seriously considering giving them a medal for it.
Still wheezing she shut it off.
"Where did you get that?" Alex asked and she grinned.
"Rodney found it and this. In fact he seemed kinda desperate to get it back." She said, holding up Rodney's tape.
"Put it on Doc." Alex encouraged and she slipped it into her stereo, waiting a few moments. She heard the sound of a door opening and someone talking quietly so she turned up the volume.
"Too sexy for Milan, too sexy for Milan, New York and Japan."
She immediately shut it off.
"Was that Doctor McKay?" Alexander asked and Weir nodded slowly.
"We shall never speak of what transgressed in here ever again, understood?"
"Yes M'am."
"You will go to your station and do something…except read Flash Gordon fanfiction, understood?"
"Yes M'am."
"Dismissed." Sleepy German guy bolted out the door, clearly as disturbed as she was. "If these are humanities finest we're doomed."
IOIOIO
A/N: This is the last chapter of Revenge. Everybody…Awwww. Nah, only joking. There's an epilogue to go that I'll have up in a few days. Sorry you had to wait so long for this. My muses went on a bar crawl to Scotland, got lost, ended up in Korean and had to sell their bodies for the air fare home so all in all a very odd, museless week. Lol, only joking. I've just been a lazy cow. Anyway, I'm back on track and with only an epilogue to go. I've also begun to illustrate this fic, I only have one posted so far but I'm nearly finished the second. in fact, it's in my lap right now. Hello chibi-Teyla, hello chibi-John. So check my profile for the link!