Good Enough
By MsBigBad
Chapter 7: Scars
Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy or any of the characters from the show. They belong to UPN, FOX, Mutant Enemy, and the wonderfully talented Joss Wheedon whom I love and adore! I'm just using them for some entertainment cause I'm an obsessed freak! Any original characters belong to me and may not be used w/o my permission. (I'd be happy to let you borrow but please no stealing!) Series title belongs to Sarah Mc Glaghlan, and is used w/o permission. "Separate Ways" is by Journey and is used w/o permission. Any quotes and/or poems will be disclaimed in the text. Flashbacks are in italics.
I don't own Buffy or any of the characters from the show. They belong to UPN, FOX, Mutant Enemy, and the wonderfully talented Joss Wheedon whom I love and adore! I'm just using them for some entertainment cause I'm an obsessed freak! Any original characters belong to me and be used w/o my permission. (I'd be happy to let you borrow but please no stealing!) Series title belongs to Sarah Mc Glaghlan, and is used w/o permission. "Separate Ways" is by Journey and is used w/o permission. Any quotes and/or poems will be disclaimed in the text. Flashbacks are in italics.Ships: Spike/Buffy, Xander/Anya, Willow/Tara, Wesley/Cordelia, Gunn/Fred, Clem/Lorne, and Connor/Dawn.
Spoilers: Through "Seeing Red" on Buffy and " " on Angel.
Summary: After overhearing a prophecy concerning the chosen one, Spike decides to return to Sunnydale leaving Africa and the 15 years he's spent there behind.
Note: From the time of "Seeing Red" and " " this story is A/U. Which means there was no death of Tara, No nicely boxed Angel at the bottom of the ocean, no vainy Willow, and absolutely no flaying of Warren! Oh and the timeline I've been rambling on about? Screw the timeline I'm far too lazy! If you have a question though just e-mail me.
Feedback: Please! I'd love to know what you think! You can reach me at I want to thank my best friend Lauren for always believing in me and for giving me this little obsession! You are what keeps me alive! I've never had such a good friend that I could laugh and cry with till it hurt! And of course have long LOTR discussions and kinky fantasies of parts (he, he, he!) of the fellowship. You know what I mean I need to stop now cause then they'll be reading this for too long to even think about reading the story! I want to also thank my other friend Heather for wanting to read my stuff and for making me laugh enough to forget some of the angst in my stories! To everyone who archives/reviews my fics! I'm soo grateful for all you've done! Of course I need to thank Joss and his crew of talented writers, producers, directors, actors, and special behind the scenes guys! Thank you guys so much for the 2 best TV shows ever in existence! Really wanna thank James Marsters for being my snowman! (Don't worry if you don't get that! It's a seriously disturbing inside joke!) I love James! Good luck in everything that you do. And I really wanna thank you for reading my fic! Especially if you read through all this nonsense and bonus points if you actually pondered the snowman thing! (Seriously just let it go! It'll drive you insane and your head will explode! Yuck!) Lot's of luvs! Enjoy! Mwahhh!
Here we stand
Worlds apart, hearts broken in two
Sleepless nights
Losing ground
I'm reachin' for you
"Taking a late night drive, sweetheart?" He questions as she tries to sneak into her own house.
"Jeremy I…"
"You what?" He demands grabbing her wrist.
"I didn't think you'd be back so soon.' She timidly answers.
"And I didn't know you'd be out whoring around all night with your demon friends." Jeremy accuses.
"I, it's not like that."
"Why don't you tell me what it's like then." He spits, dragging her into the kitchen.
"Night mate." Spike says, finally turning in for the night
He's not tired. That three hours he got back in Sunnyhell is enough to keep him going for awhile longer. He's anxious to see what is waiting for him in the box he nicked from Angel's office. He takes the key from his front pocket, closes the door, and grabs the box from underneath his bed. The key clicks the box open and he flips the top up.
Inside are two small cigar boxes and a book.
"Peaches' diary!" He laughs naughtily to himself. He flips past the first ever so boring 34 pages until a word catches his attention.
Feb. 21st 2003
Buffy arrived in town today. She didn't come to me. She didn't try to contact me at all.
I followed her to an apartment on Fedamore Dr. At least it's in a good part of town. I know she knew I was there, but she didn't say anything. She still hasn't given up patrols.
I guess it's not in her to stop fighting.
Yours,
Angel
He wanted to know more about Buffy. He skims the pages until the name appears again in thick black ink.
Feelin' that it's gone
Can change your mind
If we can't go on
To survive the tide that love divides
"Angel needed to talk to me about something, a prophecy. He thought it might have something to do with me, but it must be for Faith." She pleads.
His hand falls across her jaw with a thud so loud that it echoes off the walls.
"Don't lie to me bitch! How many times did you fuck him!" He overturns a chair in his path.
"You know he can't…he wouldn't. He'd lose his soul, he'd kill everyone that I love, everyone I care anything about." She's almost at the brink of tears now. She's lost so much over the years and now she fears that her husband might leave her too. They always do.
"And that's what you want, isn't it! Me and our children. You want us gone, dead. So you can play the pity card with the powers that be. Maybe they'll give you your strength back so you can kill the monster! Then you can go out any old time you want to and bang your undead groupies! Your freaks. I know he's back! It won't be long and you'll be sneaking out to see him too. I know you're still in love with him." He screams at her, almost shattering her eardrums with his berating.
"He means nothing to me Jer, I love you!" She begs him to understand, hands clasped around his pant leg like a child stubbornly trying to get a piggyback ride.
"You love my money!" He kicks her, hard, sending her tumbling backwards over the misplaced chair.
The cold metal digs into her back and blood flows in gushes from her nose.
"Only you Jerry, only ever you." She shakes her head, wiping the blood with the backside of her arm like it is nothing. "We could be living on the streets and all I'd ever want is you, baby."
March 3rd, 2004
Conner came back from patrol and I could swear I could smell Buffy on him. When I asked him he denied it, but I know he must have been around her because then he asked me why I hadn't tried to talk to Buffy if I knew that she was in town. I told him the truth. If she wants to talk with me then she will. Buffy doesn't want to talk to me then she won't appreciate me paying her a visit. New cases have been pouring in lately. Wesley thinks it's because…"
'Sod that' Spike thinks out loud as Angel goes on about some stupid shit he cares nothing about. Finally, after flipping a few pages he finds another name that strikes immense feeling inside him.
March 16th, 2004
Dawn. That's what Conner smells like. He sneaks out to see her every night. I've watched them talk to each other for hours on end. Apparently falling for a member of the Summers family is hereditary. I finally got the nerve to talk to Buffy. Apparently Dawn's midnight rendezvous haven't went unnoticed by her either. We talked for awhile about old times and about what we were doing now. She's changed somehow. There seems to be a great deal of sadness in her eyes that I'd never seen before. I just can't seems to control myself when I'm around her. She scares me sometimes. I'm afraid that I'm just going to lose it and make love to her right there. I've missed her so much.
The 'I really wanna kill Angel' mode that Spike was in pretty much everyday was going into overload. How dare he talk about her that way. And want to do those things to her. She was his Buffy. The only thing was she wasn't his anymore nor had she ever been. And he'd done far worse things to her than Angel had imagined.
The boy watches as his mother pleads for forgiveness for some sin that she hasn't even committed. He watches the tears well up in her hazel eyes as she begs like a starving dog on the street. Begs to be hurt just a little bit more, to be screamed at louder, and to be punished more severely for her non existent crimes. He hates this God that she worships and the law that she yields herself to. He watches her God raise his arm back with all his might and glory to smite the wicked sinner in front of him.
"Leave her alone, daddy!" He bravely stands in front of his mother.
Someday love will find you
Break those chains that bind you
One night will remind you
How we touched
And went our separate ways
If he ever hurts you
True love won't desert you
"Move out of the way Jonathan!' His father warns him.
"I'm not gonna let you hurt my mommy!" The seven year old declares taking his mother by the hand.
"Jonathan, honey, mommy's fine. Now do as your father tells you and go on back to bed. I'll bring you some milk." She caresses his shoulder.
"Why mommy?" He shakes his head and looks up into her misty eyes.
"It'll help you sleep silly." She smiles down at him like the world is perfect and she hasn't just been beaten down by the man who supposedly loves her.
"No, why do you let him do those things to you? We'll take Jessica and we'll just go away where he can never find us! I'll help. I promise. Can't we just leave mommy?" He says in one big breath.
"Go to bed now!" Jerry bellows.
"But.."
His father's fisted hand strikes him across the chest before he can make any further protests.
It hurts, but he doesn't cry. He's taken blows like this before, but never in front of his mother. When he and his father were alone and he'd been told that he'd been bad, he'd always cried for his mother. But now there was no one left to cry to but God, and he was sure that he wasn't listening. Even if he were to cry to her he's sure she'd say something like 'Mind your father Jonathan'. So what was the use.
He feels a smack across his face and then feels the coppery blood from his nose drip onto his tongue. His chest is still hurting too much to worry about his face. It's hard to breathe and the world feels like it's spinning out of control.
"Mommy?" His timid voice whimpers after all before his tiny body hit's the linoleum with a thud.
July 19th, 2004
He's been seeing her every night for months now. He's been lying to me every night. Well tonight he's gone to far, and no amount of lying will get him out of it. They think that they can get away with anything.
He slept with her tonight. I thought he was smarter than that, but I guess I'm supposed to be the dumb one in this situation.
You know I still love you
Though we touched and went
Our separate ways
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" She questions, shocked for some reason at his behavior.
She'd noticed bruises on her children before, but she had always found some way it hadn't been Jerry's fault. They were just clumsy and she was just in denial. Now that it was happening right here before her eyes she could deny it no longer and an ancient fire seemed to spark within her.
"I'm the father. It's my job to discipline these kids before they grow up to be spoiled little brats like you!" Jerry explains himself.
"Jonathan? Jonathan! Oh god baby, wake-up!" She worriedly shakes her son, hoping for some sign of life.
July 20th, 2004
They hate us. We were going to confront them and sit down and have, like, I don't know… the talk or something, and they just ran off. Of course we know where they are. It was made pretty difficult to track them given all of Conner's experience, but we finally found them. Buffy really just wanted to bust down the door and take Dawn home. Somehow I stopped her. Doing something like that would only make them hate us more. I see a lot of us in them. I don't know if they really love each other, but I believe that they think they do. Which is more than enough to fight all the armies of hell twice to save.
"Leave him alone Anne. He's fine." Her husband commands.
"No! Look at your son. I can't do this anymore. I want out. I want a div.."
Soon she is lying just as lifelessly on the floor beside her little boy.
Jerry casually walks toward the bathroom to wash the foreign blood from his hands and face. He abandons them both on the kitchen floor to change out of his stuffy and now stained suit.
He returns to the kitchen and shoves his son aside so he can fully open the fridge to get a beer or two.
On his way to the bedroom his slams the nursery door shut hoping that the thick oak will muffle his daughter's cries. Maybe he'll be able to watch some television in fucking peace.
Troubled times
Caught between confusion and pain
Distant eyes
Promises we made in vain
December 17th, 2004
Something terrible has happened. Rupert Giles has been killed. He was on a retreat to South America when someone had him murdered. I'm gonna find out who. I owe it to him for all I put him through. Buffy is having a hard time with it. Giles was like a father to her. She's staying here tonight along with Dawn and Conner. I'm sure in the morning she will be vengeful so I have to work quickly tonight if I want to find out by then. Buffy doesn't need to be worrying herself over this. It's not her fault, though she's sure it's some ploy to bring her to his killer.
The little girl's crying has now subsided. She's given up hope of anyone coming to her. She snuggles her favorite plush piggy that her mama gave her and closes her blue eyes. Her father grabs his briefcase from the sofa and departs in the pre-dawn hours caring nothing about the lives he's left in shambles.
August 4th, 2005
I give up. Everything is wrong. Quentin Travers ordered the hit on Giles. He even had some help from our good buddies from Wolfram & Hart. There was a battle. We won, but we lost more than we could have ever imagined.
Conner has gone. He left after Dawn was killed, after Buffy lost all of her strength, first inside then out, and after we were powerless to stop any of it or to say more than why. Why, why must we always suffer when we're always on the side of good. Always fighting the good fight. What kind of world is that. Maybe I should be suffering. I deserve it, but why Buffy? Hasn't she been through enough?
The Sunnydale gang have arrived in town to go to the funeral as soon as the autopsy is finished and to comfort Buffy, but their leader has fallen. She has no fight left in her. Everything she that was good in her life has been torn away piece by piece. Her mother, her Watcher and now her sister have all been taken from her. She is alone. She won't let me comfort her. For some reason I think she blames me. She blames me because she doesn't have the heart to put the blame on my son or her sister. After all Dawn wouldn't have gotten captured if she hadn't been trying to save my son. And I know Conner feels the same. He probably resembles his father more than ever tonight. It is no one's fault really. But in times of grief we must blame someone, and I will bear that cross for Buffy and no one else.
Her jaw is swollen and probably black and blue. She remembers the feel and longs for her old healing powers. But she tries hard to forget those days and to forget the people that have caused her so much grief.
Jonathan is heating up some oatmeal for his little sister who he has on hip. He carefully places her into her high chair. There's still dry blood coating the edges of his lips and some remaining on his clothes.
"C'mon Jonathan. We're leaving." She says, hardening her face.
"But I just got her breakfast ready."
"I'll pick us up something on the way. Remember when you said you'd help mommy?"
The boy nods enthusiastically.
"Well this is your chance." She challenges him, picking her daughter up out of the high chair.
"Where are we going mommy?"
"To someplace he can never find us." She explains.
If you must go, I wish you love
You'll never walk alone
Take care my love
Miss you love
March 5th, 2005
Tonight I lost Conner. Dawn's autopsy revealed that she was pregnant with their child. With my grandson. It drove him mad. He's gone forever. He's not my son anymore. Nothing of the joy I saw in his eyes before when he was with Dawn exists. There is only hatred there and self loathing. My son is gone, and only a monster remains in his place.
And for some reason I want to blame Buffy, but I can't. I can't believe he's gone, but he is. That thing is not my son, but I don't have the power nor the will to destroy it.
Spike reads the page over a few times taking in the tear smudged ink. He adds a few smudges when he thinks of what might have been, but ultimately would never be.
Dawnie and her child, gone. Wasted. His Slayer left powerless and alone. His sire devastated. And where was he? He was in Africa being too busy being a coward to help them.
Someday love will find you
Break those chains that bind you
One night will remind you
How we touched
And went our separate ways
If he ever hurts you
True love won't desert you
He flips to the very last entry.
June 25th , 2008
She got married today. They're expecting a child soon. She wears a mask of overwhelming love for this guy, but somehow I think that's all it is, a mask. Something's not right about him. I can feel it. She won't listen to me. She's shut me out. Like she'll soon shut everyone who's left out. She's trying to abandon her old life and we are too much a part and reminder of it. She's even changed her name back to Anne. She says that's what Jerry (Her newfound husband) calls her and she'd rather be called that than anything else. Sometimes she is so selfish it makes me sick. I wish she'd of stayed in Sunnydale forever. Stayed away from me and my son . But she didn't and now we're all suffering for it. Sometimes I really start to hate her.
You know I still love you
Though we touched and went
Our separate ways
End
Continued in Chapter 8 of Good Enough "Time After Time"