Disclaimer: Neither Kerri nor I own Harry Potter. End of story.
This is what happens when Ashley and Kerri are talking on the phone during vacation and decide to write a story where they get to teach Potions for a day. Since two people wrote this, it is posted under both onlyonceinforever and a proud geekfreak's thingys. Be afraid, be very afraid.
Setting the scene:
Two girls skip down the hallway of Hogwarts, laughing and giggling about their evil future plans. They run into the dungeon of Severus Snape. Severus tries to ask what the hell was going on when the girl named Ashley (with her hair pulled back in a ponytail and a Linkin Park shirt on) pulls out her wand and Severus is zapped in a flash of blue lights. He falls to the ground and starts twitching, while doing the "I don't wanna be a chicken, I don't wanna be a duck so shake my butt" dance (from the floor). The other girl, who has reddish brown hair, at this point picks up a chair and whacks him over the head with it, much like The Rock. Ashley screams "Give him the chair, give him the chair!" Once Severus wis knocked unconscious, Ashley and Kerri bind his legs and arms and gag him, then dye his hair purple and write "Property of Celia Snape" all over his face in lime green Sharpie. They uncarefully shove him into a broom closet and laugh maniacally.
They head off for their next class, which, coincidentally was Potions with the Gryffindors and Slytherins.
And here we are now:
Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger filed in.
The girl with reddish brown hair known as Kerri takes hold of Hermione and tries to put her in the broom closet with Snape. Unfortunately, our other hero, Ashley stops her and whispers in Kerri's ear "We're going to make her suffer." Kerri nods and let Hermione go back to her seat.
Draco, Crabbe and Goyle enter the room
Ashley tries to jump on Draco, but Kerri holds her back and says "Later."
The rest of the class files in and finds their seats
Ashley and Kerri stand in the front of the room and cry "Tortuga! Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom will live forever!"
Everyone looks at them and blink
This random girl with wavy brown hair and brown eyes jumps up and screams "Where's my Sevi!"
Ashley and Kerri glance at each other and laugh
Ashley says "We killed him and stuffed his body in the disappearing broom closet." The girl starts to cry and runs out of the class in attempt to find the disappearing broom closet.
Kerri screams after her "Don't forget to write!"
Ashley clears her throat and say "Good day, class."
A particularly good looking Scottish boy walks in and says "Can I be in this class?"
Ashley jumps up and down and nods.
The good looking Scottish boy takes a seat.
Kerri says "We'll be teaching Potions today."
Most people look relieved that Severus wasn't going to be teaching it, but one certain prissy little bitch coughcoughHermione raises her hand.
Ashley says "Yes, prissy little bitch?"
Hermione glares at Ashley and says "Will we actually be working today and are you certified to teach Potions?"
Kerri shoots her hand up in the air, jumps up and down and says "Ooh, I know this one, I know this one!"
Ashley says "Yes, Kerri?"
Kerri replies "We are certifiably insane. And yes, we will be teaching."
Hermione raises her hand again and asks "What will we be making today?"
Ashley and Kerri look at each other, concerned, then pull each other away into a private huddle.
Kerri whispers to Ashley "What are we gonna make?"
Ashley shrugs. "We'll just wing it."
They turn around and Ashley says "We will be making..." She pauses and looks around, then notices a bag of Smart Food popcorn. "We will be making the Smart Food Potion."
Kerri says "And you're going to be needing the hair of someone who is a prissy little bitch, so everyone grab one of Hermione's. Give it a nice good yank!"
Everyone get up and grabs Hermione's hair and gives it a nice good yank.
Hermione cries out in pain and shock, but mostly in pain.
Ashley and Kerri look around on Snape's desk until they find a piece of parchment with instructions to make a potion.
Ashley reads the directions, Kerri hums the Wicked Witch of the West theme song.
Kerri starts to skip around the class, singing louder and louder until she reaches right behind Hermione and shrieks, scaring Hermione and causing her to spill the potion all over herself.
Ashley comes over and slaps Hermione upside the head and says "Now, you'll have to start over. And since we don't know where the extra ingredients are, just use your shoe. They're ugly anyway."
She goes over to see how Malfoy is doing to give him a bit of "extra help". Of course, this "extra help" involved a closet, but not the one Snape was stuffed in.
The aforementioned good looking Scottish boy decides he needs some tutoring as well and follows Ashley and Draco. This leaves Kerri all alone with a bunch of people who actually were doing what she told them.
Kerri stood up in front of the class. "Everyone, I'm going to talk to you about how words hurt. Now, as some of you may know, Orbit has modified their wintermint gum. Now, it says it has an even 'better' flavor. Now, this hurts the wintermint's feelings, because, ya know, what, it just wasn't good enough for them before? Now, this hurts the wintermint's feelings. If you were the wintermint, how would you feel if they said you needed improvement? Don't say anything, Hermione, just keep working on your potion. Now, so, if you see this Orbit with the packaging that says 'new, better flavor', don't buy it. Get the old kind, and chew it, because if I were it, I would want to kill myself."
Everyone in the class looked at her and made a mental note to avoid the crazy one.
At the end of class
The bell rings.
People leave.
Ashley, Oliver and Draco emerge from broom closet looking a bit disheveled.
Kerri flunks everyone who gave her strange looks.
The end.
Ashley's note: I dunno if I like the format I typed this in, so tell me/us/whatever if you think I should change it and if you think we should write another chapter based on a different class. Thankies!