Deaf, Dumb, and Blind: A POTO Parody

by Crystal Oblivion Phantasy

Imagine this... the Phantom is deaf, Christine is a dumb... witch... and Raoul is blind! All crazy sorts of stuff, especially the characters themselves! Rated M for language ONLY! Reviews are MUCH APPRECIATED!

5. Hey, I'M the Prima Donna!

CRYSTAL & SAMARA: So…?

GEOFF: (Quietly.) …It was good.

CRYSTAL: I'm sorry, I didn't quite hear?

GEOFF: It was good, okay? Happy? I liked it, it was good.

CRYSTAL: Thank you. :D And don't worry, it'll get better.

SAMARA & GEOFF: …Really?

CRYSTAL: Do I lie? I'm getting you to like Phantom; you just admitted.

GEOFF: (Sighs.) Okay, I'll take your word for it. Is this a good chapter?

CRYSTAL: Hm, you tell me. Honestly, I hate "Prima Donna"… it annoys me. Okay, maybe I don't HATE it, but I was truly contemplating having all the characters in the song lose their voices two verses in, BUT… I decided to be nice.

SAMARA & GEOFF: How nice of you…

CRYSTAL: Yes, I know.

GEOFF: Now, who's this Gerry guy?

CRYSTAL: (Thinks to herself.) "This Gerry guy…" Later, Geoff. Later…

SAMARA: Hehe.

GEOFF: Uh, so… what should we do now? (Crystal and Samara look at each other and smile.) Uh-oh…

PRE-WARNING: I feel like I didn't do well this chapter:'( , so please give your most HONEST comments when you review for me. Anyway, I've delayed you long enough. Here is the much anticipated fifth chapter… Enjoy.

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CHAPTER 5: Hey, I'M the Prima Donna! -- "Magical Lasso" to "Prima Donna"

(CRYSTAL: Okay. Samara and I have just locked Geoff in the closet, so the two of us will be narrating this story together, as we will in the future. GEOFF--From the closet: HEY! LET ME OUT! SAMARA: Yup! Okay, then. Where did we leave off? Oh, yes. Meanwhile, after Raoul-- CRYSTAL: Sir Foppy! Hehe, sorry… continue. SAMARA: Hehe, anyway, after Raoul finally got up from falling on his face again… CRYSTAL: Meg enters to see what happened to her, um… coughs… fearless leader. SAMARA: Hehe! CRYSTAL: Hm, entering the room, quietly, she searches for…)

MEG (Whispers.)

Christine?

(SAMARA: She looks around… nothing. CRYSTAL: Until she finds the mirror, slightly slid over to one side, revealing the opening to the hallway.)

MEG (With curiosity; CONT'D.)

Ooh…

(SAMARA: She opens the mirror further and steps in. The hall is back to its dark, dank state, however, this does not seem to disturb Meg, in the least. CRYSTAL: Yes. In fact… she sings.)

MEG (Skipping through the hall; CONT'D.)

I'm following the leader, the leader, the leader! I'm following the leader, wherever she may go! I'm off to find the Phantom, the Phantom, the Phantom! I'm off to find the Phantom, wherever he may--AHHH! STALKER! I mean… Hi, Mommy.

(CRYSTAL: Madame Giry has snuck up on Meg and grabbed her arm.)

MADAME GIRY

What the fuck are you doing down here?

MEG

Uh… (Thinks.) …I'm in a trance?

MADAME GIRY

Don't pull that with ME, missy… besides, that's Christine's excuse! Let's go!

(SAMARA: Madame Giry grabs Meg's hand and leads her out of the hallway, out of Carlotta's dressing room, and back to the ballet dormitories. CRYSTAL: Meanwhile, IN the dormitories, Joseph Buquet has snuck in and is playing with the ballet girls.)

BUQUET (Growling… mmkay.)

Ah! Nyah! Grrr! Gah! Hehehehehe… naughty ballet girls… who wants to play (pulls out) Punjab?

(CRYSTAL: The girls giggle and Buquet laughs… kinda creepy, or creepily, rather.)

BALLET GIRL 1

Uncle Joey, tell us a story!

BALLET GIRL 2

Yes! Tell us about the Phantom!

BALLET GIRL 3

Yes, I hear he's exceedingly handsome… well, despite his face…

(CRYSTAL: HEY! Step off, twit, HE'S MINE! SAMARA: Everyone looks at Crystal. Chirp, chirp… CRYSTAL: What're you all doing, staring at me for? Move on!)

BUQUET

What are you talking about? I AM the Phantom!

(SAMARA: Everyone looks at Buquet. CRYSTAL: You sodding drunkard.)

BALLET GIRL 1

Just tell us, Uncle Joey!

BUQUET

Okay! Like yellow parchment is his skin… A great black hole serves as the nose that never grew.

ERIK (Through Buquet's thoughts.)

Hey! I don't look like that! If anyone looks like that it's you, you bleeding copy-cat!

(CRYSTAL: And yes, from now on, I'm referring to the Phantom by his name:D.)

ERIK (CONT'D.)

And only the narrators can… none of you psycho-people here with me in the story can! So, ha!

BUQUET (A little spooked…)

Uh… okay… Uh, you must be always on your guard, or he will catch you with his magical lasso!

(SAMARA: Buquet lassoes one of the ballet girls, who takes, uh… much enjoyment in the experience. Ew. CRYSTAL: Yeah, so does Buquet, who snarls and growls in fun. Just then, Meg enters, seeing.)

MEG

Ooh! I want to play!

(CRYSTAL: Buquet turns to see Meg and lets go of the other ballet girl.)

BUQUET

Why, come here, then, Little Giry…

(SAMARA: Ha, ha! But then, suddenly, Madame Giry steps into Buquet's view! CRYSTAL: And Buquet spazzes…)

BUQUET (CONT'D.)

AHHH! STALKER! Oh. Sorry, Giry. Heh…

MADAME GIRY (Not happy.)

Those who speak of what they know find, too late, that prudent silence is wise. Joseph Buquet, hold your tongue--(Slaps him.)

BUQUET

Ow! That hurt! (Sobs.) Why do you have to be so mean?

MADAME GIRY (Takes the lasso from him and loops it over his head.)

--keep your hand at the level of your eyes!

(CRYSTAL: Buquet misses this little tidbit of advice and doesn't put his hand up in enough time, in which Madame Giry nearly chokes him with the lasso. He gags, falling to his knees.)

BUQUET

Okay, Giry! You can let it go now! (She doesn't.) PLLEEEAAAASSSSSEEEEEE?

MADAME GIRY (Smiles.)

With a cherry on top?

BUQUET

With cherry liquor on top! Yes, of course!

MADAME GIRY

Okay.

(SAMARA: Hehe, she lets go of the Punjab lasso… CRYSTAL: And Buquet falls to the floor. SAMARA: Ha, ha, ha! CRYSTAL: Hehe, okay. Cut to the creepy monkey with the cymbals musical box playing "Masquerade." Christine awakens out of her stoned and dazed stupor.)

CHRISTINE (Holding her head.)

Ugh, someone shut that fucking thing off! (The musical box suddenly stops. A little disturbed…) Okay… Hey, how did I wind up here? And in a bed? And--Oh, my God!

(CRYSTAL: Oh, my God! SAMARA: Oh, my God! CRYSTAL & SAMARA: HER STOCKINGS ARE OFF! GEOFF--From the closet still: I told you he raped her! CRYSTAL & SAMARA: Shut it, Geoff!)

CHRISTINE (CONT'D.)

How did my stockings come off?

(CRYSTAL & SAMARA: We don't know! How did your stockings come off?)

CHRISTINE (CONT'D.)

I don't know!

(CRYSTAL & SAMARA: Well, THINK, damn it!)

CHRISTINE (CONT'D.)

Okay… (She gets up from the bed--looking for her missing stockings--heading back out into the lair.) I remember there was mist… swirling mist upon a vast, glassy lake… there were candles all around--

(SAMARA: Yeah, and you burned yourself…)

CHRISTINE (CONT'D.)

--and on the lake there was a boat--

(CRYSTAL: Gondola.)

CHRISTINE (CONT'D.)

--and in the boat--

(CRYSTAL: Gondola.)

CHRISTINE (CONT'D.)

--there was a man…

(CRYSTAL: A very sexy man:D! SAMARA: Aw, hehe. CRYSTAL: Damn you! Curse you! Thinks, to herself. Ooh… how operatic, hehe.)

ERIK (Turns around, seeing Christine; thinks in head, turning back around.)

Hey, what do you know? It was Christine singing. Hm… shame I have no clue what she fucking said… (Thinks on that.) …or is it?

(CRYSTAL--Aloud: Ahem, anyway, Erik, dressed in his evening trousers, a loose velvet robe, and an open white shirt, "revealing his well developed physique"… Sighs, dreamily. Ah, I love exact quotes… Starry-eyed. Samara, can you continue for me? I need to fantasize now, ;D. SAMARA: Hehe, sure, chickie. Anyway, I'll do an exact quote for Cryssie: "She sees the Phantom sitting at his organ. His mask and hair perfect, bare chested in the flowing robe, he is once again a strong sexual presence Christine is attracted to." CRYSTAL: AND me. Sighs. I'm so jealous… SAMARA: I know you are, sweetie.)

CHRISTINE

Who was that shape in the shadows…?

(SAMARA: Madame Giry, LOL! Just kidding… for the most part:D. Anyway, "she is behind him, very close." CRYSTAL: HEY, she has Sir Foppy! Who says she gets to have Erik, too?)

CHRISTINE (CONT'D.)

Your name's Erik?

ERIK

Yes… you may call me Phantom.

CHRISTINE (Blank-mindedly.)

Okay.

ERIK

Now finish your verse.

CHRISTINE

Okay. Whose is the face in the mask…?

(SAMARA: Exact quote time: "She lovingly caresses his face. He responds deeply to her touch." CRYSTAL--Cries: Are you trying to make me miserable? SAMARA: Don't worry, dearie, this next quote will make you feel better: "Almost like a lover, removing a veil, Christine takes off the mask. The Phantom springs up, throwing her violently to the ground and turns on her furiously." CRYSTAL: YES! SAMARA: Hehe. "We see only a flash of his rotting face.")

ERIK & CRYSTAL

Hey! That's mean to say!

(SAMARA: Sorry, not my fault--exact quote!)

ERIK & CRYSTAL (CONT'D.)

Oh, okay.

(SAMARA: "In his wrath, he runs to the huge mirrors around the lair, tearing off the dust covers.")

ERIK (CONT'D.)

Hm… okay. (He does so.) Damn you! You little prying Pandora! You little demon--is this what you wanted to see?

CHRISTINE (Frightened.)

Uh… yes?

ERIK

Curse you! You little lying Delilah!

CHRISTINE

Hey, I didn't lie to you!

ERIK

It's metaphorical.

CHRISTINE

Oh…

ERIK

You little viper--

CHRISTINE

Hey! THAT'S mean!

ERIK

Sorry, but now you cannot ever be free!

CHRISTINE (Thinks.)

Hm… that sucks.

ERIK (Weakening.)

Damn you… curse you…

CHRISTINE

Curse me? Curse you!

ERIK

Shut up!

CHRISTINE (Frightened again.)

Okay.

ERIK

Stranger than you dreamt it…

CHRISTINE (Thinks in head.)

No kidding.

ERIK

…can you even dare to look or bear to think of me--

CHRISTINE (Aloud.)

Think of me--

ERIK

Shush! This loathsome gargoyle, who burns in hell--

CHRISTINE

Really? (Erik throws her a look.) AHHH! Shushing…

ERIK

--but secretly yearns for heaven, secretly… secretly… Christine…

(SAMARA: "Christine is near tears. Her heart is moved by this poor man.")

CHRISTINE (Thinks in head--why she's REALLY crying.)

What did I do to deserve this?

ERIK

Fear can turn to love--

CHRISTINE (Confused.)

It can? (Erik, once again, throws another look at her.) AHHH! (Slaps her hands over her mouth again, like earlier.)

ERIK

--you'll learn to see, to find the man behind the monster, this… repulsive carcass, who seems a beast, but secretly dreams of beauty, secretly… secretly…

(CRYSTAL: Awww… don't be so hard on yourself. I like you:). SAMARA: In fact, she loves you:D! CRYSTAL: Samara, shut up!)

ERIK (CONT'D.)

Oh, Crystal--I mean, Christine.

CHRISTINE (Removing her hands.)

WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?

(SAMARA: AW! He said your name, sweetie! Granted, he screwed up, but he said your name! Notices Crystal. Awww… Hehe, Crystal's blushing…)

ERIK (To Christine.)

Uh, nothing… just give me my mask back, demon-girl.

(SAMARA: She chucks the mask back to him, upset. He puts it on and stands up.)

ERIK (CONT'D.)

Come we must return--those two fools who run my theatre will be missing you… (to himself) …their third stooge.

CHRISTINE (Getting up to go to the boat.)

Yeah, yeah, fine, okay. (To herself.) First, Raoul doesn't even notice me because he can't fucking see me. Now, Erik--

ERIK

That's "the Phantom" to you!

CHRISTINE (Sitting in the boat, all pissy.)

--the Phantom calls me by another girl's name! (Groans.)

(CRYSTAL: Hehe, MINE!)

CHRISTINE (CONT'D.)

Men. UGH!

(CRYSTAL: Okay, we're cutting the flash-forward scene. SAMARA: Why? CRYSTAL: Because Sir Foppy's a dumb-ass and Madame Giry's a stalker… I don't know! Because I said so! On with "Notes"! SAMARA: Okay. Firmin enters.)

FIRMIN (Tired, bored, and completely sick of doing this.)

Hey, Christine's gone… Oh, shit. (Sighs.) First, Carlotta, now, Christine. Hey, at least I'm making money, hehe!

ANDRE (Enters; unenthusiastically.)

Damnable. We have no cast.

FIRMIN

But have you seen the queue? Hey, you've got a note, too.

ANDRE

Yeah.

FIRMIN

Well, what does it say?

ANDRE

"Dear Andre, what a charming gala! Christine was, in a word, sublime. We were hardly bereft when Carlotta left--on that note, the diva's a disaster, must you cast her when she's seasons past her prime?"

FIRMIN

Hm, well, what do you know?

ANDRE

What does yours say?

FIRMIN

"Dear Firmin, just a brief reminder: my salary has not been paid. Send it care of the ghost, by return of post--P.T.O."--

ANDRE

What does that mean?

FIRMIN

"Please Turn Over," stupid.

ANDRE

That'd be "P.T.O.S."

FIRMIN (Ignoring.)

"--no one likes a debtor, so it's better if my orders are obeyed!"

FIRMIN & ANDRE

Who would have the gall to send this? Someone with a child-like--

FIRMIN (CONT'D.)

Hey, let's use "puerile." It sounds cooler.

ANDRE

Okay.

FIRMIN & ANDRE

--puerile brain!

FIRMIN (Studying both notes; CONT'D.)

They are both signed "O.G."…

ANDRE

Who the hell is he?

FIRMIN

I don't know.

ANDRE

Me either.

ERIK (Off-stage.)

"Opera Ghost"!

FIRMIN & ANDRE
Oh… "Opera Ghost"! (Erik groans.)

ANDRE (CONT'D.)

Well, how about that?

FIRMIN

I think he's insane.

ANDRE

Me, too.

RAOUL (Entering.)

Me, thr-EE! (Falls coming UP the stairs.) Ow. (Firmin and Andre go to help Raoul up.) I'm fine. (Gets up on his own.) Where is she?

ANDRE

You mean Carlotta?

RAOUL (Thinks on that.)

Well--I MEAN, NO. I mean Miss Daae--where is she?

FIRMIN

How the hell should we know? She just disappeared!

ANDRE

Yeah, don't look at us!

RAOUL

Monsieur, don't argue--isn't this the letter you wrote? (Gives the letter to Andre.)

FIRMIN

And what is it that we're meant to have wrote?

RAOUL

Written.

FIRMIN

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

ANDRE

"Do not fear for Miss Daae. The Angel of Music has her under his wing. Make no attempt to see her again." Hm, oh, well. We didn't write it.

RAOUL

Well, if you didn't write it, then who did?

CARLOTTA (Enters with crew.)

Where is he?

FIRMIN & ANDRE

Carlotta!

RAOUL (Stupid.)

Carlotta wrote it?

CARLOTTA

My precious patron--where is he?

FIRMIN & ANDRE

Your precious patron?

CARLOTTA (Embarrassed.)

Heh, heh, I mean, YOUR precious patron… obviously.

RAOUL

Yes?

CARLOTTA

I have your letter--a letter which I am rather distressed about.

RAOUL

What is it that I'm meant to have sent? (Carlotta hands him the letter, but Firmin takes it from her.)

FIRMIN

I'll read it, Vicomte.

RAOUL (Embarrassed.)

Heh, thanks.

FIRMIN

"Your days at the Opera Populaire are numbered. Christine Daae will be singing on your behalf tonight. Be prepared for a great misfortune, should you attempt to take her place."

RAOUL

Oh, I'm sorry, Carlotta.

ERIK (Still off-stage.)

You didn't send it, you poof! I DID!

RAOUL

Oh, right. (Realizing.) Hey! I'm no poof!

REYER (Off-stage.)

Like, who's talking about me?

EVERYONE

NO ONE!

(SAMARA: Heh, heh… riiight…)

FIRMIN (CONT'D.)

I'm sick of hearing about Miss Daae!

ANDRE

Me, too!

RAOUL

Me, three.

CHRISTINE (Off-stage.)

What? HEY!

RAOUL

She has good hearing.

ERIK

Better than mine…

(SAMARA: Wow… that's a lot of off-stagers. Anyway, Madame Giry enters with Meg out of nowhere.)

RAOUL, CARLOTTA, FIRMIN, ANDRE, PIANGI, CARLOTTA'S MAID

AHHH! STALKER! (Madame Giry rolls her eyes.)

FIRMIN

JESUS CHRIST!

MADAME GIRY

Uh, not quite.

ANDRE

Where the fuck did you come from?

MADAME GIRY

Wouldn't you like to know…

RAOUL (Under his breath.)

Not really…

MADAME GIRY

Anyway, Miss Daae has returned. (Everyone groans.)

RAOUL

Okay, then, where is she, Giry?

MADAME GIRY

She is alone. (Silence. Elbows Meg in her side.)

MEG

Ow! Oh, yeah… she needed rest.

RAOUL

Oh, okay. May I see her?

MEG (Under her breath.)

Not likely… (Madame Giry slaps her arm.) Ow!

MADAME GIRY

No, Monsieur, she will see no one. Especially, if they can't see her… Anyway, I have a note.

PIANGI

Join the club.

FIRMIN

Give me it. (Madame Giry hands it over. Looks it over, then is confused.) Huh?

RAOUL

What does it say?

FIRMIN

It says, "Do-wa-ditty-ditty-dum-ditty-do." (Everyone looks confused.)

MADAME GIRY

P.T.O., Monsieur Firmin. I apologize. (Gets shifty-eyed.)

FIRMIN (Looks suspiciously at Madame Giry, then flips the note over.)

"Gentlemen, I have now sent you several notes of the most amiable nature, detailing how my theatre is to be run. You have not followed my instructions. I shall give you one last chance…" Ooh… scary.

ERIK

You bet your ass, mustache boy! Anyway, I'm taking over this monologue! "Christine Daae has returned to you, and I am anxious her career should progress."

ANDRE

I'll bet.

ERIK

You better, small man. (Andre shuts up.) As I was saying, "in the new production of Il Muto…"

CHRISTINE (Still off-stage.)

That's a funny title.

ERIK

You're supposed to be resting!

CHRISTINE

AHHH! Resting… (Quiet.)

ERIK (Groans.)

"…you will therefore cast Carlotta as the pageboy, and put Miss Daae in the role of Countess."

CHRISTINE

I was going to be the pageboy?

ERIK (Ignoring.)

"The role which Miss Daae plays calls for charm and appeal"--and while Carlotta has that and Christine doesn't, we'll just have to make do--

CHRISTINE

Hey! I have lucky charms and sex appeal!

ERIK

…Not quite what I had in mind… Christine, shut up and let me finish!

CHRISTINE

AHHH! (Quiet.)

ERIK

That's more like it. Now, where was I?

RAOUL

Lucky charms and sex appeal. (Everyone looks at Raoul.)

ERIK

Anyway… "the role of the pageboy is silent--which makes my casting, in a word…" BAD. (Thinks.) Hm… now that I think of it, maybe I SHOULD let Christine be the pageboy…

CHRISTINE

Hey, I'M the Prima Donna!

ERIK

Right. So, I suppose the casting is "ideal. I shall watch the performance from my normal seat in Box Five," which means, Sir Foppy, if your ass is in MY box, I'm going to be introducing you to my friend… Punjab.

RAOUL (Lost and confused.)

Huh?

ERIK

Stay confused. I know your simple-minded brain can only take so much. Besides, it'll be easier for me to kill you and throw you off the roof, but that's besides the point. "Box Five WILL be kept empty for me. Should these commands be ignored a disaster beyond your imagination will occur…"

CHRISTINE

Yeah, he'll burn your crusty asses up!

ERIK

CHRISTINE!

CHRISTINE

AHHH! (Her hands are HEARD slapping over her mouth… again.)

ERIK (Sighs, exhaustedly.)

"I remain, gentlemen, your," heh, "obedient servant… O.G." Okay, I'm done, Christine, jabber all you want now.

CHRISTINE

YAY!

CARLOTTA

Christine? Is this all a plot to help Christine? But… what about me?

PIANGI (Goes to embrace her.)

I adore you, Carlotta!

CARLOTTA (Cowers away from him.)

Not now, Piangi. (Begins crying.) I can't take this! I'm leaving! (Leaves with everyone following.)

FIRMIN & ANDRE

Signora, please! Don't leave! (Follow, until they make it to the main entrance doors, where they are met by many male fans.)

MAN (To Carlotta.)

Would you give this to La Carlotta?

CARLOTTA

I am La Carlotta.

MAN

Really? Hm… I never knew that. I thought you were Christine Daae.

CHRISTINE (Still off-stage.)

He thought I was CARLOTTA?

(SAMARA: The doors shut and Carlotta is about to start crying again. CRYSTAL: Hey, wait a second… Guys? SAMARA: Everyone's attention turns to Crystal. CRYSTAL: Why isn't anyone singing? This whole chunk scene is supposed to be sung! SAMARA: You just realized this? CRYSTAL: I'm slow, all right? Gimme a break…)

RAOUL

Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat… (realizes everyone's staring at him) …bar? (While everyone just continues to stare, Raoul has completely shut up.)

(CRYSTAL: Why isn't anyone singing?)

FIRMIN

We don't feel like it, okay?

ANDRE

Yeah, we'll sing next chapter!

EVERYONE

Yeah!

(CRYSTAL: Easy for you two to say, YOU DON'T SING NEXT CHAPTER!)

FIRMIN & ANDRE

Oh, yeah…

(CRYSTAL: Oh, cheezits… SAMARA: Tough crowd. CRYSTAL: Tell me about it…)

ANDRE (To Carlotta; CONT'D.)

Your public needs you!

FIRMIN

We need you, too!

CHRISTINE

I DON'T!

EVERYONE

Christine, shut up!

CHRISTINE

AHHH! (Quiet.)

CARLOTTA (Sniffles; to Firmin and Andre.)

Would you not rather have Christine?

FIRMIN & ANDRE

Signora, no. The world wants you… (Both take a breath, but stop.)

ANDRE (CONT'D.)

I still don't feel like singing.

FIRMIN

Me either. How about you guys?

EVERYONE

Yeah.

JOEL

Yeah, let's fast-forward this scene.

ANDREW (Sighs.)

Sure, why not?

(SAMARA: Huh? CRYSTAL: It's cool with me! Just… sighs… at least, sing the last few verses of the song--for the people who DO like it.)

EVERYONE (Sighs.)

Fine.

(CRYSTAL: Okay, good. SNAP! SAMARA: Crystal snaps her fingers and everyone is automatically in their costumes and positions.)

CHRISTINE (Bedazzled.)

Whoa, how'd I get down here?

ERIK

Uh… I'm not supposed to be here.

(CRYSTAL: Oops, sorry. SNAP! Better?)

ERIK (In hiding, off-stage; CONT'D.)

Yes, thank you!

(CRYSTAL & SAMARA: Okay, go!)

CARLOTTA

Prima Donna, your song shall never die!

CHRISTINE

Yeah, MY song, exactly!

PIANGI

When she sings we see heaven!

CHRISTINE

Really? I didn't know I could do that.

FIRMIN

Not you, stupid.

CARLOTTA

You'll sing again, and to unending ovation!

RAOUL

Orders! Warnings! Lunatic demands!

ERIK (Still off-stage.)

…Watch your step, Foppy…

FIRMIN & ANDRE

Lunatic demands are regular occurrences!

ERIK

Did anyone ask you two?

CARLOTTA

Think how you'll shine in that final encore!

CHRISTINE (Under her breath, angrily.)

Bitch.

FIRMIN & ANDRE

Surely there'll be further scenes--worse than this!

ERIK

You can count on it…

RAOUL (Walking up stairs.)

…I must see these demands are rejec-TED! FUCK! (Can you guess? Yeah, he tripped and fell… again.) Ow.

FIRMIN & ANDRE

Who'd believe a diva happy to relieve a chorus girl, who's gone and slept with the patron?

CHRISTINE

Hey! I haven't slept with Raoul! Well, not unless you count that time in the attic…

RAOUL (From the floor.)

CHRISTINE!

CHRISTINE

AHHH!

(CRYSTAL & SAMARA: Draw your own conclusions…)

FIRMIN & ANDRE

Raoul and the soubrette, entwined in love's duet!

(CRYSTAL & SAMARA: Well, if THAT'S not suggestive…)

CHRISTINE & RAOUL

We haven't slept with each other!

(CRYSTAL & SAMARA: Riiight…)

FIRMIN & ANDRE

Although he may demur, he must have been with her!

RAOUL

I have NOT slept with Christine! …Except that time in the attic.

CHRISTINE

RAOUL!

RAOUL

AHHH!

(CRYSTAL & SAMARA: For fuck's sake, FINISH THE GODDAMN SONG!)

FIRMIN & ANDRE

You'd never get away with all this in a play, but if it's loudly sung, and in a foreign tongue, it's just the sort of story audiences adore--

(SAMARA: Christine, Meg, and Madame Giry are walking down a corridor to the stage. While Meg and Madame Giry sing simultaneously with Firmin and Andre, Christine just looks completely blank-- CRYSTAL: And stupid.)

FIRMIN & ANDRE (CONT'D.)

--in fact, a perfect opera!

MADAME GIRY

For, if his curse is on the opera…

MEG

But if his curse is on this opera…

(CRYSTAL: Don't ask me the fuck how, but for some fucking reason, everyone in fucking Paris is now singing this goddamn fucking song outside the fucking opera house… SAMARA: No fucking kidding.)

OUTSIDE ALL

Prima Donna, the world is at your feet! A nation waits, and how it hates to be cheated!

(CRYSTAL: Back inside the Opera Populaire, on the stage, everyone sings the final fucking verse. SAMARA: Touché!)

EVERYONE

Light up the stage with that age-old rapport! Sing, Prima Donna… (inhales deeply) …once more! (Song ends.)

(CRYSTAL: Stupid tarty ballet girls dancing for no fucking reason…)

ERIK (Still off-stage, listening to this going on.)

You're all fucking crazy.

CHRISTINE

But I'M the Prima Donna!

(SAMARA: Yeah… you're also a boy! LOL!)

CHRISTINE (Noticing.)

AHHH!

(CRYSTAL: LMAO! Ah… life is good, ;).)

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A/N: Okay, so I DID lie… a little… I DIDN'T have the characters sing the first half of "Prima Donna"… Apologies to those of you who DO like it--at least, I had them sing the end:P What can I say? All right, I lied… "Prima Donna" isn't that bad. Hehe, anyway, here goes THANKS: to AXIE: You're the best! MUCH LOVE! COURTENAY: What else can I say? Thanks sooo much! DEZZ: You're the greatest! Luv ya! ERIK'S SHADOW: Whoever you are, I LOVE YOU! LMAO! LAUREN: Thanks for your honesty and help, my dear! MISS CHRISTINE DAAE: I'm SOOO glad you loved it! HI-LAR-I-OUS, hehe. MR. POOCH (a.k.a. Becky): I'm SOOO happy you read it! Thanks so much! RELTISTIC: Hehe, TRUST ME, next chapter will be a HELLUVA lot better than this one! As for everyone else, thanks for being so patient in waiting for this chappy, and I'm sorry if it wasn't as funny as my other few… I told you, I REALLY don't like "Prima Donna"… that much, LOL. Anywho, I hope you keep a-readin' and the next chap will be up soon--hopefully, LOL! R & R, THANKIES!

PS: I PROMISE NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE FUNNIER! DON'T ABANDON ME! Okay, I'm done. ;)

PPS: I'm working on 2 new PhanFic ideas (another parody and a non-parody), so keep a lookout for new stories!

Cheers.