No matter what he says, I understand him. Yuuta that is. Of course, I thought I understood him before, because he is my younger brother. But now I truly understand him.
He was locked in my shadow. Forced into the background because his brother was a "tennis prodigy".
I understand now.
I understand the tears he desperately tried to hide when I queried about his state of being. I understand the times he said he hated me but never meant it. I can see why he said harsh words towards me, and why he moved to St. Rudolph.
You see, when we were younger we use to practice tennis everyday. Not only did we practice it everyday, but we practiced it everyday together. It was a brotherly bonding type of thing. We would rise as early as possible. It was even an unwritten rule that whoever woke up first would wake the other. Usually it was me who woke up first.
After we awoke, we would grab some bread and milk and race to the nearest tennis courts and we would play all day. Of course, he never won one game. I thought he saw things the same as me; that winning or losing didn't matter. I thought he didn't care who the victor was. I thought he believed that it was all in good fun.
But one day, when I woke up, I noticed that my brother had gone to play tennis without me. He didn't wake me up.
Of course I never understood it. I just thought that he wanted to get in extra practice. So I let him. From then on, he would wake up extra early, just for that extra practice.
A few years after that, Yuuta had asked for a game.
"This time I will win!" he exclaimed.
I never heeded to those words. Ecstasy was flowing through me, because it would have been the first time we played tennis since he started his extra practice. It had been years, literally, since the last time we played.
I hastily agreed and grabbed my tennis gear and we raced to the tennis courts. In that moment, it was like old times, like it use to be. We were just excited to play the game. Or so I thought. It turned out I was just excited to play the game. Just like how it use to be.
It was too much like how it use to be apparently. Even with his extra practice, I still defeated Yuuta. After that Yuuta just didn't care anymore. When I asked for a game, he wouldn't play claiming that he wasn't ready.
I never understood what he meant by that. He wasn't ready? Didn't he have his tennis racket stringed correctly? Didn't he have shoes? I didn't understand.
Soon I got accepted into Seigaku and earned my spot as a Regular. Yuuta wasn't in middle school when I won the ranking tournament undefeated. He wasn't there when I gained the nickname "the prodigy" either.
When he finally arrived, I was ecstatic. We could finally play against each other in the inter-school tournament. I waited until that day came. But before it did, Yuuta was already referred to as the brother of Fuji. I heard the whispers through school.
"Isn't that Fuji's brother?"
"Oh, look he's related to the prodigy!"
"He has a tennis racket! He must be following in the footsteps of his brother."
I didn't think much of them, but Yuuta must have.
When it was time for the tournament. We shook hands and began the match. I won again. I smiled at him afterwards.
"Good game, Yuuta." I said.
He didn't reply. He simply sulked off the courts. Of course, I kept that smile plastered on my face. Nothing is wrong, I told myself until it became my mantra. But something was wrong; the next day Yuuta dropped out of Seigaku and enrolled himself in St. Rudolph, the boarding school.
Again, I never really understood why. I always thought it was because he preferred the atmosphere at St. Rudolph, or he wanted to live away from home, or even because he didn't want to be known as "Fuji's little brother". But I never would have even suggested it was because he could never win against me. But, I understand now.
It makes me ashamed that I never understood why Yuuta acted the way he did until I played Tezuka. Until that game, I never really wanted to win. It was the first game I played seriously and the first game that I wanted to win badly, truly, and awfully.
But I lost.
It was agonizing, the pain I felt when the game went to Tezuka. I was so close. I almost won. But at that time, almost wasn't good enough.
I toughed it out though. Through a carefully placed smile, I congratulated Tezuka. But I could already feel the tears streaming down my cheeks. I was crying for myself because of pain and agony. Because I lost.
But when I got home, and reflected on the events, I cried for Yuuta.
Every time he played against me he lost. He truly believed he would win when he started getting extra practice. But he lost anyways.
The pain must have been greater than when I lost against Tezuka. I had nearly won against the captain, but Yuuta, he never even entered into a tie-breaker game against me.
I only lost against Tezuka once, while Yuuta continuously lost against me. Everyday, every time, every game, he lost.
It really is no wonder why he decided to go to St. Rudolph. It wasn't because of freedom or reputation, it was because he lost. He lost, again against me.
But I understand now, but maybe I understood too late.