Thanks for all the great reviews. I was expecting something a lot more negative but well.. I decided to all another chapter. Story still isn't finished and again reviews are greatly appreciated.
All my life I've been rejected. It started with my father. He never loved me. My mother too, she would never have done what she did if she loved me. She could have simply left my father and taken me and Kurt with her. We could have been a family but she decided to kill him and then leave me and Kurt with nobody. She was selfish. Kurt ended up leaving me too. When he died I had nobody. Nobody. No family. No friends. Nobody. That hurt so much, but I got through it. Or maybe I just bottled everything up and now- 20 years later it's coming to a surface. Grissom rejected me too. He wasn't the first guy to take my heart and reject it. But I thought he was special. It isn't his fault I loved him. I am over him now but still the rejection hurts. Now, I am rejecting myself.
When Grissom told me to get a life I think I died inside. Gil Grissom- loner of the century told ME to get a life! That tells you something doesn't it? I will end up the mad old cat lady in the rundown house in the neighbourhood. Thats if I live that long. Thats why I should end it now. Save me from living a more fuked up life.
After the DUI, I died a little more inside. That was a time when I became vunrable to Grissom. Thats what I dont want. When you are vunrable, you get hurt. That was the only good thing I learned from my mother.
My life has been pretty crappy. I can't say I have anything to be proud of. I'm not Catherine with a daughter to show off. I am not Gil Grissom the famous entomologist with his bugs to be proud of. I am not Warrick or Nick or Greg who have loads of friends and family to love and be loved by. I am Sara Sidle, loner or a 'loose canon with a gun'. Wouldn't that be ironic if by killing myself with my own gun proves Ecklie right? Maybe I should take him down with me. Bang Bang your dead. Bang, me too. However much I hate somebody though I could never kill them. Even if in self-defence I would probably feel so bad I wouldn't be able to live.
There is a difference in living and being alive. Right now, I am simply alive. I don't live, and I haven't in a long time. I left my life behind in San Fransisco. I should have went back long ago when I reliesed that there is nothing for me here in Vegas. And now..? Now there is nothing for me in San Fransisco. I lost contact with all my old friends while I was too busy fighting for Grissom. It got me no-where and now I have nothing.
Reflecting on my crappy existance just makes the bullet, still sitting on my desk, a whole lot more tempting to put into the gun, still held in my hand.
Whatcha think of it?