When All Else Fails

Chapter Eight

Disclaimer: I wish they were mine, but unfortunately, a wish is all I have...

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She allowed herself a few moments of blissful disregard for the rules, and the situation, and everything that she had ever promised herself, and everything she knew he had promised himself, and all the things that her mind told her over and over again were wrong. She simply pretended that they weren't there, hanging in the balance, hovering over her and hovering over him, watching and waiting for the right time to come crashing back down, waiting to ruin the moment. They didn't exist in those seconds, those wonderfully refreshing seconds, and they never had.

However, as the cliche goes, all good things must come to an end. Unfortunately for her the end came as soon as the beginning had, and the professional side of her mind broke through the personal side, bringing all the rules and all the promises tumbling back. They shattered the moment, tore it apart, and forced her to think clearly once again, forced her to remember. Remember who she was, and who he was, and who they both were not.

Pulling away grudgingly she cursed herself for being so damn sensible. Cursed herself for thinking as much as she did. Cursed him for not thinking in the first place. Jesus, what had he done? What had they done? Gasping to regain her composure she scrambled to the other side of the bed, then jumped off of it, trying to hide the flush in her cheeks and the want in her eyes. He couldn't see how much she needed him, how much she wanted to feel his lips against hers, to be able to throw the rules and the promises and the responsibilities out the window, so she could be with him. If he saw it, then she would, and that just couldn't happen. It just couldn't.

She felt trapped. Smothered by the sudden heat in the room, by the feeling of his eyes on her skin, by the ache in her heart that was scolding her for ending it, yelling and screaming for her to go to him, to make up for all those years where she wanted him, but couldn't have him. She could have it now, everything she had ever wanted. It was right there in front of her. Take it, her mind told her. Just, throw caution to the wind, and take it.

Her sudden revelation had left him confused, left him hurt, and torn between what was right and what was blissfully wrong. His mind yelled and cussed, scolding him for being such an idiot, for seeing a moment of weakness in her and using it for his own selfish purposes, for having those selfish purposes in the first place, and for not holding onto her tighter. His body, his soul, every fiber of his being, shivered with the realization of what he had done, and ached with the impulse to do it again. He sat up straight on the bed, his eyes fixed on her, and he waited. For what, he was still deciding. Waiting for her to come running back to him. Waiting for her to start yelling at him for what he had done. Waiting for her to break, or for himself to. Hell, he was even waiting for her to look at him.

She, too, was waiting. She was waiting to regain her composure, waiting for the moment where the logical side of her mind took over her emotions. Waiting for the courage to say something to him. To ask him what in the hell had just happened. She was waiting for her NYPD Detective persona to kick in, instead of being Olivia Benson, torn between doing the right thing, or giving into her desires. His eyes were still watching her, she could feel them burning into her skin, and it sent chills down her spine. She shook with the sensation, looking down at her trembling hands and let out a ragged breath that she hadn't known she had been holding in.

"Olivia..." his voice was soft and gentle, and it filled the emptiness of the room, leaving her ears and her mind ringing, setting off every alarm to add to the resounding noise. She turned to him, praying that enough time had passed that he wouldn't be able to see right through her, her chest constricting as her breaths quickened.

"Liv," his voice was cool and calm and for the life of her she couldn't understand how he was still so together, how he could sit there and look at her and not shiver with what they had just done. "What is it? What's wrong?"

She snorted. What was wrong? What the hell wasn't? He was her partner and she was just kissing him. More than that, he was married, and he was Catholic, and they were cheating. That was what was wrong. Couldn't he see it? "We shouldn't have..." she trailed off, gesturing at the bed with her hand. He was smart, he would get the picture.

And, he did. His head tilted back with the realization, and his lips pursed together tightly. "Why not?"

Why not? Oh, there were so many ways to answer that question. She wasn't even sure where to begin. "You're married?" she offered, her right eyebrow climbing up her forehead.

His face fell, but only for a second. He had been expecting that excuse, she knew it just as well as he did. But, that didn't mean that it made her reasoning invalid. It was exactly the opposite. The fact that his marital status had crossed his mind only added credence to it. "Yeah," she said with a sigh. "That's what I thought."

"Kathy and I are separated." he pointed out, trying desperately to hold on to what they had had only minutes prior.

"But you're still married to her, Elliot." Olivia reminded him, "That's not something that I can easily ignore, and I know you well enough to know that you wouldn't be able to, either."

How did they get here? Where, along the course of the last few days, had things turned from taking care of a friend in their time of need to discussing a relationship with that same person? Why did she not notice it happening? Or, if she did, how come she hadn't stopped it?

His lack of a reply only encouraged her further, "I have my own rules for things like this, you know?"

It was his turn to snort. Oh yeah, he knew. How could he not? "To tell you the truth, Olivia. I never understood that particular rule."

"What? Not to fall in love with somebody I work with?" She shifted positions on the couch, pulling her legs underneath her. "You of all people know how dangerous and how demanding the job is. It puts enough pressure on me even when I'm single, much less when I'm seeing somebody. The canceling of the dates, explaining for the twentieth time why I can't make it, waiting for them to get fed up with all the rescheduling and just end the relationship."

"I don't see how that has anything to do an interoffice relationship," he stated.

"As bad as dating men who aren't cops is, if I was to have a relationship with a coworker things would only be ten times harder. The things that I face everyday, the dangers that I'm constantly up against, so are you. I can only imagine what would happen if we were put into a situation where a suspect had his weapon drawn on you. And, yes, I know we've gone through something like that before. But, add personal feelings into the mix and one ends up doing something incredibly stupid, because of those feelings. I don't want to be the person who screws up because my emotions got in the way- that's not me."

"Or," he added. "On the other end, it could make things easier on you."

Now that statement got to her. "How?"

"You're only taking the time to notice the downside, Olivia. Can you honestly say that things wouldn't be easier if you had somebody to talk to?"

"I talk to you alre–"

"No," he cut her off. "I mean really talk to. Not holding anything back, not being afraid of what I'm going to think if you show the wrong kind of emotion, or if you appear weaker than you would like everybody else to think you are. What then?"

"You're right," she agreed. "Things could be easier. But, that still doesn't make up for the fact that my judgement would be influenced."

"Is it not already?" he asked. "We've been in situations before where one of us was on the other end of a weapon, right? Are you really telling me that in that situation you didn't hesitate for a split-second. Not because of any romantic feelings, but because of our friendship, or even the fact that I am your partner?"

She shook her head, "Maybe it has. But, Elliot- it still wouldn't be the same."

"How will you ever know unless you give it a chance?" he questioned.

"I guess I never will," she replied, trying not to show him how much s he wished she could.

"I don't believe that that's what you want." he told her, climbing out of th e bed and making his way to the couch where she was still sitting. "I think you're scared, Olivia. And, that's not such a horrible thing, you know? I'm scared, too."

"You're also married, in case you've forgotten." she reminded him, jumping off of the couch and walking away from him. "And because of that I can't take anything you are saying to me at face value. I have to ignore it, because there can never be anything between us. Not as long as you're still wearing that ring on your finger."

"There's nothing there anymore, Olivia. She knows it and I know it, and we both know that there is no way we're ever going to get back to the way we were. Over the years we drifted apart. And yeah, maybe it was my fault, maybe I did begin to use the job as an excuse to shut her out of my life. But, she never brought me up on it. Not until it was too late. If she had thought that there was some chance we could have been salvaged she would have, instead of just letting me push her away."

"I won't be the other woman," she told him straight forward. "I don't care if your marriage has failed. The fact of the matter still remains, you and Kathy are technically husband an d wife."

"Not for long," he told her. "We're getting a divorce."

"Well, excuse me if that doesn't make me feel any better about cheating."

He was silent for a long moment. "There's something here," he gestured between the two of them. "I can feel it, and you can feel it, and all these years we've known each other it's been there, just underneath the surface. Until Scarry let it known to the public that Kathy and I were separated there was always something to hide behind, my marriage. Now that that's failed, what's stopping us? Why shouldn't we try, you never know, we could be wonderful together."

"Or," she added, her voice breaking. "We could fail, too."

"You don't believe that any more than I do," he told her, shaking his head. "Stop hiding from me, Olivia. I know you well enough to see through whatever wall you build, you can't fool me."

He said that like it was the truth, and it amused her. She couldn't fool him, huh? Wasn't she, though? He couldn't see just how much he meant to her, could he? He couldn't see that she didn't just have these feelings hidden under the nice little facade she had built. Feelings didn't even begin to describe it. Olivia was in love, and she knew it, but he didn't. That had been the one thing she had spent the most time on hiding, so much time, in fact, that she had perfected her technique. There was no way he could know unless she told him, which she wasn't going to be doing any time soon.

Because, even though she knew she loved him, she also knew she could live without him. It was hard, so very hard, but she had managed for a long time, and she could continue as such. It wasn't something she particularly liked, but she knew it was necessary, and she accepted it. For the most part.

She wasn't stupid. She knew that now that she knew what it felt like to kiss him, how perfect they could fit together, she knew the feeling of having his body over hers, if only for a few seconds, and it was burned into her mind. Things weren't going to be as easy as they had been before, now that she had a taste of what could be, of what he wanted to be. He would remind her of it every chance he got, and keep doing so until she ultimately gave in.

And she knew that, in the end, giving up was exactly what she was going to do.

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A/N: I know, I know, I'm evil. Get you guys all excited with a bit of romance, then shoot it down (but, there's hope for the later chapters!)

In my opinion, it makes the story more interesting. Because, how many times can you have them admit their feelings and then all of a sudden here comes happily ever after? It just doesn't work that way. The more angst the better. As long as in the end, every thing turns out ok. Which, it will, don't worry!

So, let me know!