I have sat here thinking for at least a couple hours, but it feels like days. Shift starts soon and for the first time ever I dread going. This is the first time I have ever thought deep into my mind, into the thoughts I think. This is the first time I am afraid of myself, and the power I have to just let go.
The god honest truth is that I don't want to die, but I am so sick of everything going wrong. I have been waiting for something, anything to just push me over the edge and now I am sick of waiting. I have waited for things to get better, but they never do.
For the first time ever, I called Grissom and told him I was sick. He told me to take as much time as I need, I intend to do so. After I hung up I got a beer from my fridge and sank into my sofa. I stayed there all day just drinking beer and staring at my ceiling. I don't remember a lot of what happened later, maybe because I don't want to, or maybe because I was just blind drunk. The second reason is much more believable seeing as I had nearly finished a whole 6-pack. But what I do know is that when I woke up, I wasn't alone.
Of all the people I could have shared my bed with, lying beside me was none other that Nick Stokes. I racked my brain for reasons to how this progressed this far, finding none. I got up, quiet enough not to wake Nick and noticed I was still fully dressed. That was a relief. I walked to the kitchen and got some asprin for my headache and a cup of coffee.
About half and hour later Nick came out of my bedroom. He looked clearly embarresed and I was clearly angry.
'So you want to remind me what happened last night?' I spat out quickly.
'You don't remember? Hmm.. a forgetful drunk?' He replied with a grin. I wasn't amused. 'Okay, okay. Well I came by to see how you were feeling. Grissom said you were ill. You invited me in, clearly you were drunk. You passed out, so I carried you to bed. Then you woke up.. and in your state of drunkeness.. you asked me to stay with you.' He winked. I glared back, not happy at all.
I watched his eyes wander to the desk in the corner of the room. OH GOD NO! The note!
'I think you should get some help Sara.' His voice was concerned.
'Get out.' I said to him, quietly but angrily. He didn't move. 'GET OUT!' This time my voice shook the room and he took one look at me and walked out the front door.
I moved over to my desk. The letter had been moved, and Nick read it. He read about all my thoughts and feelings. He 'knew' me, better than anyone else in the team. I took the letter in my hands and read the first few lines..
It's funny how one little thing can change your whole life. I stared at the single bullet on my desk and the gun in my hand...
I wrote it all down. He knows about my brother, my past, my weaknesses. In one moment, all the thoughts I wrote down were gone as I tore the paper into tiny pieces, impossible to stick together again.
Is this the end?
Urg.. back to school today. I hope ya'll are appriciating me up at 7.45am updating this before I go to school. Well ya know the drill- read then review. It's still not finished but I'm still undecided if I should let Sara commit suicide or let Nick help her. Any opinions?