K.F.: Cool this is my own itty bitty ficcy. At least this was never combined with Ickiakki…. I hope Ickiakki never finds out about this fic/drabble/whatever it should be called. Also if you smart people will realize by the end of this thing, it will contain several spoilers.
Ickiakki: Hi! What's the new story you got there?
K.F.: WHAT? HOW ON EARTH DID YOU GET HERE?
Ickiakki: Uhhh, the same way you did on the internet but I had to take a right turn at Microsoft Word.
K.F.: What has my life turned into…?
Disclaimer: I don't own FMA……just my ramen and FMA Manga Volume I that Ickiakki happened to give me at a party we had. O.O Also, Ickiakki did help me with ideas and other little tidbits.
Envy's Unforgettable Birthday.
!#$&!#$&
Lust dropped her glass of water on the floor…….It cracked…..and she remembered that it was Envy's birthday. She winced as she remembered what she gave him the first year she found out about his birthday…..a nice 'poke' in the stomach for not knowing it sooner.
"Darn, what should I get him. A big sword for his weird weapon collection that he never uses?" Lust pondered this but then shook her head. "No….. I need to see what he has in his room so I don't get the same things as the others are getting."
At that moment, Envy was preparing to go to a perfume shop a couple of blocks down just to ogle at a picture of his idol. Lust took this opportunity to round up the five remaining members of homunculi: Sloth, Greed, Gluttony, Wrath, and Pride.
"So, I heard that it's Envy's birthday," Sloth said apparently bored and looking like she'd rather be babysitting Wrath.
"His birthday? Did he ever have one? I thought he was just there……like ya know, Poof!" exclaimed Wrath unable to control his excitement at being 'invited' to any birthday party.
"Yes but that's not the point. We need to get him a birthday present," Lust argued.
"Why need? Can't we all just give him what you gave him the first year? A nice poke in the stomach?" Greed offered, "Besides we won't lose any money that way."
"Please, don't remind me of that…."
"Can I eat it?" Gluttony garbled suddenly only to find that the others were giving him odd stares and if he DID have any IQ he would have noticed that the others were starting to slowly back away.
At this moment Pride was ignoring everyone and the conversation to finish his growing amount of paperwork that no one will read when he got back to Central (A/N: Sounds like Mustang doesn't it?).
"THAT'S IT! How come you guys don't care about our fellow homunculus?" Lust squealed. Luckily she squealed only loud enough for her 'fellow homunculi' to hear and not Scar because…..well that I'll tell you later, it's a whole other story. "Fine, if your not helping then I'll just go into Envy's room myself, see what he has and get him some nice present that he doesn't already have."
"You're on your own, woman," Greed.
"I need to go back to reading my beloved romantic storybooks," Sloth mumbled picking up a book which happened to be titled, Romeo & Juliet.
"Mommy, wait for me. I just finished the Pirates of the Caribbean, that porn magazine, and the other book about three idiots that could never do anything right." Wrath bubbled tagging along after Sloth.
"How could I forget, maybe babysitting Wrath was a bad idea. Wrath, go read the dictionary 5x's over and recite it to me silently when you're done."
And then Pride said…..well, he didn't say anything because he was still doing his paperwork ever so diligently.(K/F: Now this is not like Mustang)
While Envy was at the perfume shop ogling at his idol, Lust conveniently snuck into his room and was awed by all the different posters of………PARIE HILTON.
"AAAAAAaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! My eyes it burns!" Lust screamed. She screamed so loud that, well, you can fill in the blanks. It could have been louder if she saw M Jackson. Anyway, back at the shop Envy thought of buying the newest poster of Paris only to find that a certain pipsqueak got to the cashier register first with the poster he wanted.
"Hey! What are you doing here pipsqueak and……why are you buying that poster?" Envy asked.
"None of your of your darn business," Ed answered promptly paying for it. (A/N: For all you swearword lovers please insert the word of your choice for I dub swearing)
"Ya? Well I wanted that."
"Too bad, I bought it, and it's mine."
"Then you don't mind if I take it from you, pipsqueak."
"Say what? WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO MICROSCOPIC THAT HE COULD BE SQUISHED BY AN ANT?"
"I thought you were going out with Winry."
"Who told you that?" inquired Edward a slow blush creeping in.
"You've got to be kidding me, you didn't know it was all over on the news" answered Envy holding up the newspaper and the headline read 'Edward Proclaimed his Love to Winry'.
"What the-"
"See, chibi?"
"I NEVER SAID THAT! DARN YOU MUSTANG FOR MAKING UP CRUEL LIES!"
"So, can I have that poster now?" Envy asked with these like HUGE puppy eyes.
"What are you gonna do with it anyway? I only bought it to blackmail the colonel, you know, stick his name, phone number, and maybe an 'I love you' on it and hide it in the lieutenant's room."
"You really hate him don't you."
"Oh, by the way, did you know that it's your brother's birthday today?" Envy stated innocently.
"You mean Al? No, his birthday's not today."
"Your older brother, darn it!" as he said it, Envy smacked his head. (I/A: I wouldn't be surprised if he cracked a bone or two judging how hard he hit)
"Wait, I have an older brother?" At this moment you can all try to imagine this totally retarded look on Ed's face.
"Of course you do!"
"No, I don't."
"Yes you do."
"No, I don't."
"Yes you do."
"No, I don't."
"YES YOU DO!"
"NO I DON'T!"
This continued for quite a long time considering that Ed was in denial that Envy was his older- by at least 400 years -brother. Or at least having an older brother at all. Lust took this to her advantage and bought a bottle of perfume by Paris Hilton sadly it was designed for women but who cares it was still Paris Hilton's creation and Envy could always morph into a female. Now, back to the argument.
"FINE, LET'S SAY THAT I HAVE AN OLDER BROTHER, SO WHO IS IT?"
With a smirk on his face that would have made Mustang proud, he slowly said, "Me."
At this, Ed faltered a bit not sure if he actually heard that correctly, "My life is definitely gonna end and soon."
"Personally, I wouldn't blame ya."
"It's bad enough having Hoenheim as my dad, Mustang as my colonel, but you as my brother is just ewwww."
"Ya so can I have the poster now, pwetty pwease?"
"NO! IT'S MINE, MY PRECIOUSSSSSS, ALL MINE, YOU PALM-TREE METAMORPHOSING HOMUNCULUS THAT SHOULD BE A…..a….well, nevermind but adios amigo and sayonara!"
And with that the Elric bid farewell to his brother, leaving Envy in the dust and in need to go back home, to um, get his groove back on.
"I don't believe the authoress is making me go through with this," Envy said to the non-existent authoress. "YOU'RE GONNA OWE ME BIG TIME KITSUNE FREAK!"
"Yeah, yeah I know I'll get you ten Paris posters at the end of this 'kay?" the so-called non-existent authoress replied.
"This is the happiest day of my life!"
"Whatever just get on with it. I pay you guys by the minute you know?" authoress Kitsune Freak barked (K/F: Yes, ruff ruff, bow wow. You don't get the point do you?)
As Envy pranced along home (K/F: Huh? Who wrote the script?) he came face to face with his arch-nemesis, ALEX LOUIS ARMSTRONG and his side-kicks THE EVIL PINK SPARKLES! (Ickiakki: You did, but why Armstrong and his sparkles?)
"Rik stop crying the death of that bird wasn't really important ya know!" Alex said majestically.
"Wha-?"
"Oh sorry, wrong script, Coo and I are best buddies so we must have gotten the scripts mixed up."(K/F: Don't know, the contract said that he had to be part of it.)
And somewhere else in a Di Gi Charat fanfic we see Coo.
"I am the Strong-Arm Alchemist, Alex Louis Armstrong!"(I/A: Gosh, you mean you're paying for a person you didn't want?)
"Uhhhh, Coo I think you got your scripts mixed up" Rik said.
"Sorry, this must be Alex's." replied a very mortified Coo. (K/F: Ya, isn't that sad?)
"Who's that? Your girlfriend?" said Ky.
"NO WAY IS HE MY GIRLFRIEND I'M NOT GAY……"
Now that we are officially back in the FMA realm we can continue (K/F: Okay now where were we?).
"Now I shall attack you with my PINK SPARKLES OF DOOM!" (I/A: Armstrong and his sparkles, stupid)
"AAAAAaaaaaahhhhh! By the way, do you even have a license for that?"(K/F: Sank you! Wait, was that an insult?)
"I didn't know that you had to have a license for sparkles. I thought that I was just supposed to have them because they were-"
"Uh oh."
"-PASSED DOWN IN THE ARMSTRONG LINE FOR GENERATIONS!" And with that he started to uncontrollably flex his friggin-ly huge muscles. (I/A: I HATE PINK SPARKLES!)
While the invincible Armstrong with his band of sparkles were busy showing off to everyone in the vicinity (unaware that all either died of sparkles or died of his redundant exclamations about his family line Our beloved Ickiakki being one of them) Envy took this as an opportunity to sneak off into the forbidding brightness. (I/A: Did you mess up the adjectives again, and Don't Say Beloved!) Upon arriving home he found an unexpected visitor, DADDY! (Ahem, I meant Hoenheim Elric)
"HisonhearditwasyourbirthdaysoIdecidedtodroponby" said Daddy-Elric in a very disturbing Hughes-ish way. (K/F: For all you who didn't get it he said: Hi son, heard it was you birthday so I decided to drop on by) After all that our 'ol daddy gave Envy a BIG hug. (Both: O.O)
"GET OFF ME YOU PERVERT! THIS IS NOT A YAOI FIC!" screamed Envy making an attempt to escape his dad's bear hug.
"Fine, I was just giving a hug, sheesh! You're the pervert because you thought of it in the first place."
"Whatever, just get away from me."
Inside the house he noticed something wrong, very wrong. It was so wrong that it had a capital 'W'. What was wrong? Well, the lights were off and no one was home. It's easy for Pride and Sloth to be gone because they were busy working at Central but Lust, Greed, Gluttony, and Wrath were ALWAYS home.
"Hello? Is anybody home?" Envy called out tentatively. (I/A: Doesn't he know the answer to that?)
At that exact and very crucial moment all the darkened lights sprang to life and out came a cry of 'Surprise!'. (K/F: I'm pretty sure he does, young one) Yes, Envy was in big trouble now, the whole gang remembered his birthday. Why it was a bad thing, we'll never know but it was to him, a bad thing. Everyone was invited. That meant not only the sins but Ed, Al, Mustang, Winry, Pinako, Ross, Brosh, Riza, Fury, Havoc, Armstrong, a Hughes with minuscule wings and a halo (K/F: What the-)and well you get it. (I/A: No, it can't be! Armstrong's back?)
"So it was your birthday after all!" exclaimed Wrath.
"What d'ya think it was?" Envy retorted.
"No it's not that I just thought you 'poofed' to existence."
"What the f-"
"Now, now no bad language when the little ones are around" Sloth said making an attempt to calm everyone down, which ended up purely in vain. Ed was having a shouting match with Mustang, Armstrong was torturing Ickiakki who subsequently delivered a punch that ended up in nose bleeding, (K/F: That's the reason why you don't bug her) Brosh was trying to make Ross a wear a mini-skirt. Alphonse and Fury were arguing on what was better: cats or dogs. Riza and Winry were teaming up on Havoc, Breda, and Farman with wrench and gun for a reason that we never will or want to know.
"How dare you harm Ed!" the wrench-wielder exclaimed.
"Curse you for harming Roy!" the woman with the gun said.
"We didn't hurt any of them! Have mercy on our poor souls!" screamed the three stooges.
"Who cares?"
"We do!"
While everyone was having their own little fiasco, our authoress, Kitsune Freak brought out the cake. That pretty much shut everyone up, well, almost. Oh yeah, and did I mention that the threesome Coo, Rik and Ky guys came? Those from Di Gi Charat?
"Vanilla? Seriously I like chocolate better,"Wrath complained.
"It's too sweet andyou'll get cavities," Sloth reprimanded.
"I still think sweet is good."
"You're hopeless."
"I know, isn't that sad?"
"Yes, he is definitely hopeless." Envy interrupted, "but he's sooo cute whenever he huggles that pink bunny I bought him."
At this moment everyone was just staring at Envy thinking 'how the heck could this guy be so nice?'. Noticing all the stares he was getting he shrugged and said, "What? I can be nice if I want to."
"Ok. Let's sing 'Happy Birthday'!" said Armstrong in all his sparkly glory.
"I don't believe that you could ever have a mmmff". Rik was cut off from saying anything bad because subsequently Coo climbed up Ky to reach the tallest of the Black Gema Gama Dan members (which were pretty much just made up of 4 people...)
"Hey! GET OFF MYBEAUTIFUL HAIRYOU STUPID MIDGET!" Ky the Vain said.
"Sorry, I just had to shut him up...ehehe...Does anyone have superglue?"
"Did someone call me short?" Edward called out. His ears were somehow very receptive to words like short...even above all the din.
"No Fullmetal he was talking about shorty over there." Mustang said pointing to who-knows-where.
"Was that an insult?" he said as he clapped his hands together to form his most favorite weapon which was the big, long knife attached to his automail arm,"'cause if you're asking bring it on Sparky."
"Fine, we'll have a duel, and it can include all occupants in this room" Roy started slowly, "I challenge you...TO A BEER DRINKING MATCH! In fact, I CHALLENGE ALL TO THIS MATCH."
"Wha-? I think the Colonel cracked..." Edward said backing away, wishing to not participate for fear of doing something stupid when drunk...like kiss something or someone...
"No kidding" K/F agreed.
" But we haven't even sung 'Happy Birthday' yet." cried Armstrong, his tears forming a fountain so that all within a 1 foot radius had to either move away or get an umbrella.
543 beer bottles afterward everyone was draped over couches, beds, floors, and tables. Well all except Riza.
"Roy, are you drunk?" Riza asked.
"I swear to Drunk that I'm not God"
"You're drunk, well everyone is."
"I'm not God..."Envy slurred.
"I know, you're a homunculus,"Riza said, "Which reminds me..". And then she took out her gun. She then proceeded to injure the homunculus, Me, Ickiakki, Armstrong, pink sparkles, etc.
So much for an unforgettable birthday...
THE END
!#!#$&!#$
K/F: But wait there's more!
I/A: Really?
K/F: Ya and you get to punch whoever you want!
I/A: Then I'll choose Ed.
Ed: Why me?
I/A: Because I hate you, and you take off your shirt too much.
Ed: I do?
I/A: Yes, you do, and I'm punching now.
Ed: Uh oh...-runs-
Random fangirl: I'll save you sweetie!
:Cat Fight Ensues:
K/F: Oh well, hopefully this is my first and not last story. Next chatper will probably be posted by I/A. Please review, that button down there needs excercise! Flames will be put out with my water gun.
Envy: Where are my posters?
K/F: Uhhhhhh. -runs- Once again, REVIEW!