Disclaimer: I do not own Tekken. However, I am the new owner of a brand-spanking new copy of the incredible Tekken 5, as of Friday. I do not own any of the TV shows mentioned in these snippets, nor would I want to. It's not like I watch them.

A/N: Well, this is my first Tekken fanfic. BTW, I used to call myself juliarules, just so you know. Yeah, I know everyone does these, but I just needed something to do. Basically just what the title says: messed up versions of the Tekken 5 endings. Without further ado, here is Asuka's.

"Wheeeee! I beat the bad man who killed my daddy AND I beat up that creepy old guy!" said Asuka, squealing with joy from her victory.

"Hey, where's that weirdo with the horns and, and raven wings, and tattoos?" she suddenly wondered, "Oooh, there you are!" she said as she saw Devil Jin.

As she walked toward his prostrate body, his wickedly sharp, curved horns slid back into his head with the sound a sword makes when it's being sheathed. While this was happening, purple Gatorade sprayed Asuka.

"Ewwww, it's all sticky. Why'd you have to use Gatorade?"

Because we could. Now shut up.

His tattoos vanished and the large black wings shrank, and then disappeared as his breathing became more regular. Wait, regular? Oh no…

"Must be the Metamucil I gave him!" Asuka said cheerily with a big cheesy grin on her face.

Asuka, stop that. You aren't supposed to be able to hear me, or, in fact, know that I'm here.

"… I don't get it," she said.

Oh, for…

"Hey! Don't insult me!"

Asuka…

"Fine."

Good then, moving on.

"Ahem… Hey you, are you all right?"

"Huh… WHO WHAT WHERE WHEN HOW WHY!" Jin babbled. As he stood up he stumbled and knocked Asuka down, before falling down as well, with his face in… Well, if you've seen the video, you know where I'm talking about, but I'd like to keep this rating as low as possible. ANYway, he landed there.

Doo-da-doooooo. Um, Jin? About time to get up. Jin? A pinecone just blew by. Jin? You alive there? Jin? How long are you going to be lying there, cause I wanna get a drink down at the pub.

Meanwhile, Asuka stood up rather quickly, yelling, "Pervert!" before doing one of her strongest moves on him. Jin flew back into a large boulder, cleaving it in two, as Asuka walked home with a smile.

"What just happened…" Jin asked stupidly.

You enjoyed life too much you fool.

"Oh…"

A/N: Well that sucked. Maybe the next one will be better, but I doubt it. Next is Raven.

"Mission complete," Raven said to his headset in a monotone voice.

"Good. Return to base," replied his commander. But Raven wasn't listening. He brought out his portable television and turned on PBS. The sounds of an ugly (and very frightening) purple dinosaur singing a song about love and other stuff traveled through the air.

"I love you, You love me, we're a happy family…" Raven had started singing before his commander walked up behind him and whacked Raven in the head.

"What?" said a bewildered Raven.

"You're a freakin secret agent man. You are NOT, repeat NOT, supposed to be watching Barney! You are SUPPOSED to be standing on a fighter plane, acting cool while it flies back to base!"

"Wh, what about Spongebob…"

"… No."

"Fairly OddParents?"

"NO!"

"Teen Titans?"

"Better, but NO!"

"Nick Jr.?"

"No!" said the commander as he smashed the portable TV with a randomly appearing sledgehammer (courtesy of Randomly Appearing Sledgehammers, inc).

"Wh, why did you do that! You're so MEAN!" cried Raven.

"Just… get on the plane,"

"Fine, but I want a cookie,"

"…"

A/N: Wow, I was right. That last one DID suck. Feel free to flame me. Next is Ganryu!

Ganryu had destroyed the eeeeeeeevil Jinpachi and taken the forest regeneration data disk from the dust that was once a corpse. Then the enormous blue whale of a sumo wrestler put it in his little diaper thing.

Once back at the Zaibatsu hotel, he called Julia and arranged a meeting on the riverfront, upon which he went to a little vending machine in the lobby and bought one of those little twenty-five cent plastic rings and a small velvet box from the jewelers to put it in. Why? Because he's cheap.

At the riverfront the next night, Julia actually came. When Ganryu saw her, he pulled the forest regeneration data disk out of the front of his little diaper thing.

"Julia, this is the forest regeneration data,"

Idiot, I just said that.

"But it's in the script!"

Oh… I guess it is. Carry on.

"Julia, this is the forest regeneration data. Please, take it,"

"I'm not gonna touch that! It was in your diaper! Gross!" Julia said.

"Take it! Without it you can never fulfill your dreams of reforestation!"

"Dude, you aren't going to get me to touch something that's been in your diaper for who knows how long!"

"But you must!"

"HARRASSMENT! I'll see you in court!"

"But Julia…"

But it was too late. She was gone.

Two months later, on Judge Judy…

"Now Miss Julia Chang, you say that Mr. Ganryu here tried to force you to take a data disk that you needed that had been in his stupid little diaper thing for almost two days, correct?" said Judge Judy.

"Yes that's correct. Not only that, but he proposed to me with a cheap plastic ring!" replied Julia, looking scornfully at Ganryu.

"Horrible. Ganryu is sentenced to the death penalty for doing all that!" said Judge Judy.

"…You can actually do that here?" said Ganryu, looking around at the tacky courtroom.

"I can now. AND DON'T QUESTION ME!" Judge Judy screamed.

"…Crap,"

A/N: Why am I writing this? It sucks. Ummm, lessee, Jack-5 next I guess.

"As soon as I press this key, Jack should have his memory back," said Jane, who was eating a big sloppy burrito. Suddenly, the burrito spilled on the keyboard. She tried to mop it up, but accidentally hit the wrong key. Jack awoke and started smashing everything.

"Now remember, what's a piece of total crap can't hurt you, what's a piece of total crap can't hurt you!" whispered Jane from her hiding place. Suddenly, there was a loud rumble. Suddenly, I must stop using the word "suddenly." Suddenly, I wonder why I can't stop using this stupid word. Anyway, the rumble was coming from the misplaced voice box near Jack's butt. He had eaten the remains of the burrito. As soon as the beans were out of his system, he regained his memories and picked Jane up, very weirdly. Hopefully platonically. I don't want to know if not.

…And that's the end. What, you expected something longer? Well too bad.

A/N: Ok, that was both short and crappy. Someone please kill me before I write anymore. Next is Roger Jr.

Roger Jr. had finally found Dr. Bosconovitch's lab where he suspected his father was. The lab was trashed, like someone had trashed it, he thought. Roger Jr. wasn't exactly the smartest kangaroo in Japan. Anyway, he found a door with a sign that said "NO UNAUTHORIZED ADMITTANCE, BY ORDER OF YOUR MASTER, LORD BOSCONOVITCH!"

Roger Jr., with his great brain, decided that he would enter the wide-open doorway. Once inside, he saw a picture of his dad playing with Roger Jr. Going further, he saw some tapes with unspeakable names, lots of "Kangaroo Light" bottles strewn all over the place, and a TV. On the TV was Ling Xiaoyu's Tekken 3 ending. You know, the crappy one about the amusement park? Anyway, I must stop saying anyway. On the couch facing the television was Roger Sr., lying down after a hard time using a PlayStation controller with his boxing gloves. Bosconovitch must've been cheap, though. Roger Sr. only had a PS1. Roger Jr. was infuriated. Tekken 3 was his favorite game, and he had wondered where it had gone. It had disappeared at the same time Roger Sr. had.

Roger Jr. cleared his throat and got his father's attention. As Roger Sr. turned around, he met a yellow boxing glove and flew through the ceiling. Roger Jr. opened the PlayStation, took out the Tekken 3 disc, and put it back into its case. Then he left.

A/N: That's all for this chapter. Remember to read and review my sucky little story.