Disclaimer: I don't own Tekken. Or anything. Not even my immortal soul.
A/N: Well here it is. Chapter four. Let me tell you something. Writer's block sucks. Um, yeah. On with the story. Today we've got Steve, Jin, Kazuya, Mokujin, Panda, and Kuma.
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Steve won the Fifth Iron Fist Tournament. Immediately, he went to the Mishima laboratory where he was conceived…
"ORAH!" Steve shouted, smashing stuff like the cheap boxer he is, "STEVE ANGRY! STEVE SMASH!" he roared. Did I mention that he had also turned big, ugly, and green?
Then suddenly, a guy in a lab coat appeared. "Jerk," he said, "You stole my schtick."
"…Who the heck are you?" Steve asked stupidly.
"I'm Bruce Banner," said the now-revealed-to-be-Bruce-Banner, "And you won't like me when I'm angry!" he said, his voice taking on a deeper tone.
Steve punched him while he was turning green and said, "Your movie sucked. Stop rehashing it here. Ugly mother."
Then Steve got an evil idea. Pouring petroleum over everything, he dropped a match into it. But being an idiot, he forgot to light it.
After several more dropped unlit matches, Steve finally figured out that to make a fire, he would have to light the frickin' match. But by then, the cleaning lady had come, and seeing the mess, dumped Bruce Banner's body (nice alliteration, no?) in the dumpster out back before cleaning up the petroleum with a wet-dry vacuum.
Steve finally dropped a lit match and ran out of the building, without stopping to think how he had gotten out of the place before it had exploded. Which it suddenly did. But not because of the match. Those moronic mafia hitmen went in there and dropped a bomb. But they were stupid and stuck around to see if it would actually go off. Idiots.
Steve grinned an idiot's grin as the building disappeared into the flames behind him. Then he walked into a tree.
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Jin won the Tournament and freed himself of the Devil Within. Not having to deal with that crappy minigame anymore, he also got rid of his Devil Gene and took over the Mishima Zaibatsu…
Jin walked down the hall of his new mansion. All around him Tekken Force soldiers saluted, quivering from the fear that he might use his lasers to zap the disrespectful or disobedient soldier's crotch.
"I think I'll make lots of morons think that I'm gay by crossing my legs like my Mom," Jin thought.
Jin sat down, put on a cool face, then took off the Halloween mask and rolled his eyes. Crossing his legs like he always saw his Mom do, he found himself in a miniskirt.
"AUTHOR!" he cried.
What? What's wrong? I thought you were trying to make people think you were gay.
"It was only supposed to be the morons though!"
Whoops. Sorry.
"Aren't you going to give me back my pants?"
Erm, that didn't sound right. Goodbye.
By now, the Tekken Force was in riotous laughter. Jin's Devil Gene came back in that moment as he killed them all. The end.
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Kazuya looked around. He had defeated his Grandfather with ease, and was thinking about how impressive that was. More than it sounds like, I suppose. Suddenly, he looked around. Where had Jinpachi landed after that Lightning Screw Uppercut, anyway?
Finding him still breathing, Kazuya held him in his arms and had a flashback to his childhood when they used to train together, back before Heihachi had locked Jinpachi up and thrown Kazuya off a cliff. Back when Kazuya and Jinpachi were both loving. Back when Wang wasn't a hilarious name. In other words, a long frickin' time ago.
Then suddenly, Jinpachi spoke.
"Kazuya?" he said, "Remember… when you… dressed up as… a devil… for Halloween… when you were about… seven?"
Kazuya nodded with tears in his eyes. "Onii-san…" he said.
"And… remember… when… you dressed as… a princess (at this point Kazuya's eyes grew wide with fear)… when you… were… fourteen?"
"Erm, no," Kazuya said, before quickly killing Jinpachi and running away.
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Mokujin was incredibly, incredibly stupid. Every time he awoke, he felt the need to beat the crap out of his power source. After stupidly killing Jinpachi, he realized too late that he had destroyed the one thing that was keeping him awake. Idiot. Anyway, Mr. Practice Dummy collapsed. Then a beam of sunlight hit him. Earlier he had responded to an infomercial concerning bald practice dummies. This was the shipment. A sprout (literally) of hair started to grow on the long-dead dummy…
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Panda won the tournament and took control of the Mishima Zaibatsu… Pretty dang good for a bear, neh?
Panda sat at her desk, looking out of place. Suddenly, the receptionist called in and said, "Ma'am, there's a big bear here who calls himself… um… Bear. Would you like me to send him in?"
Panda make a loud "GROWF!" sound which the receptionist took to mean "YES!" but was actually closer to "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! GETHIMAWAYFROMME!"
Kuma came in, bearing (pun not intending. Really!) flowers and a stupid-looking T-shirt. "I knew you'd come around!" he said, "Now let's pick where to get married!"
Panda screamed and hit a button, sending Kuma to a watery pit known as the New York City subway system.
Two seconds later, Xiaoyu flashed the receptionist and walked in to greet her pet. Being stupid as always, she approached the desk and said, "HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, PANDA! WASSUP! …OOOOOOOOO, WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON DO?"
As Panda repeatedly shook her head and pleaded with Ling not to push it, Ling did. Stupid Ling. Panda ended up in the NYC subway system as well, where Kuma repeatedly tried to rape her. The end.
This episode narrated by Lee, alias Mr. Thumbsup!
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Kuma once again defeated his wimpy adversary, Paul Phoenix, and conquered all of his opponents in his race to the top…
Kuma was working at his desk when Heihachi flashed the receptionist, thus killing him, and imitated his voice to announce, "Heihachi Mishima to see you sir."
Heihachi then barged in and said, "Kuma! Good bear! You protected the company! Have a biscuit!"
Kuma immediately hit a button, sending Heihachi through an open manhole, into the Japanese sewer system. Or so he thought.
Heihachi grabbed onto the ladder and started climbing up, like in the Tekken 2 opening movie. Just as Kuma leaned back in his chair, Heihachi jumped up and smashed the button down that would open the manhole under Kuma and his chair, turning them into Monty Python-esque caricatures, and sending them to the Japanese sewers.
"Bear's suck at running companies!" he cried, "So there!"
Once again, narrated by Lee Chaolan, alias Mr. Thumbsup, alias scary token gay of the Tekken series.
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A/N: That's all for now, folks. Remember to read, review, and put me on your favorite authors list. Preferably in that order. I have to watch Baek's ending again, and probably Anna's as well. The next chapter of Severely MessedUp Tekken 5 Endings will feature Lei, Anna, Nina, Baek, Wang, and Julia. Expect it pretty soon. Until next time, sayanora.