Why Snape never eats here

Chapter 2: Dumbledore

He stands by the kitchen door with a goblet of wine in his hand, chatting with half of his mind to the knot of people around him, with the other half he goes over the evening's events.

It has gone better than he expected, at first he thought Severus was going to cling to him like a kid clings to his mother on the first day of school, but as soon as he spotted the only young, attractive, female member of the Order alone at the other end of the table he'd been off like a shot to sit next to her, good thing, because then Sirius could sit next to him, he needed to give Sirius as bit of attention, not to mention a word in his ear about not picking fights with Severus, honestly, managing the two of them was hard work and he really didn't need the aggravation.

When would Severus work out that Sirius needled him because he was jealous? Sirius very well knew, even if he would never admit it, that to Dumbledore Severus was worth every other member of the Order put together. If Severus can replace Bellatrix Lestrange as Voldemort's favourite, if he can learn those precious secrets that Belatrix boasts of, there's a chance they can be rid of Voldemort forever, if only Severus can keep his nerve for long enough, and Merlin knows how hard it is for him, poor devil, and no one in the Order seems to have the slightest inkling of what he goes through or to care.

The Dark Mark is no mere tattoo, it is a magically active brand, Voldemort's choke chain, and no one who bears the Mark can raise hand or wand directly against Voldemort. Poor Severus can't attempt to kill the Dark Lord, though he longs to, it is Harry who is destined to be Voldemort's executioner, but it will be Severus who leads him to the block. The tool and the weapon, that's how Severus thinks of himself, and of Harry.

He looks down towards the other end of the room, checking that no trouble is brewing, but Severus is neither scowling nor sneering, just idly watching Tonks, and Black is ignoring him. Severus and Nymphadora? It could work out, if nobody interferes, which is just too much to hope for. She's a sweet girl, with a lot to give some fortunate man, and god knows Severus needs a friend in the Order, besides himself. He knows what they say, "Snape can't be trusted, how do we really know he's on our side." Why can't they just take his word for it?

Now McGonagall is murmuring in his ear, "Albus, Severus actually looks happy – or at least, not actively unhappy. Did you slip something into his pumpkin juice?"

He replies, "My dear Minerva, people think our Potions master is a deep and complex being, but in reality he's a very simple creature. He's happy because he's had a good dinner, he's had some good whisky, he's got a pretty girl to look at, and Sirius Black is leaving him alone."

A flippant reply, perhaps, but one with a lot of truth in it. Severus Snape and Tom Riddle, so similar in many ways, powerfully magical witch mother who wouldn't or couldn't use her powers to protect her son, Muggle father, either brutal or indifferent, and both very proud and talented boys, indeed in Riddle's case it went a bit beyond mere talent, but Riddle didn't want love, didn't NEED love, while Severus had a hunger for love that was positively startling, not that anyone who wasn't skilled in Legilimency would ever work that out because he's such a prickly bastard on the surface.

The Sorting Hat had offered the boy a choice of Gryffindor or Slytherin, and he'd chosen Slytherin because he'd met Malfoy on the train, and Malfoy was a few years older, pureblood, rich, sophisticated, and had the lovely Narcissa Black hanging off his arm. Malfoy had tossed Severus a kind remark like a bone to a dog and so of course he'd wanted to be in Slytherin with Malfoy. Not for the first time, he thinks that if Severus had been sorted into Gryffindor he'd have been one of James Potter's mates rather than one of his targets, and then that business with the Shrieking Shack would never have happened, he still squirms a little when he remembers looking into the kid's eyes and seeing his thoughts, "Dumbledore acted like he cared about what goes on at home, when the filthy Muggle calls us 'freaks' and hits us and she won't do anything because she 'loves' him, and I can't do anything because I'm underage, and now Black has tried to kill me, it's not just hexes in the corridors, and Potter was in on it, too, but they're Gryffindors, they can't do ANYTHING wrong, but there's someone, a Slytherin, Malfoy talks about him, he's going to start looking out for us, he'll show Dumbledore."

Try to look on the bright side, if Severus had been the Fourth Marauder, god knows what kind of high-powered mischief they'd have got into, he would have had to expel the lot of them.

He signs, drinks a little more wine, and thinks, when it comes to women, Severus is such a hopeless romantic, denies it totally, but that was no crush he'd had on Lily Evans, a crush doesn't survive contact with reality, as Harry will find out with Cho Chang. Only love can withstand Voldemort, and Severus loved Lily, and for his sins he loves me too, and because he loves as strongly as he hates I can send my Dark Angel into the pit and know that he will do what he has to do and then return to me, though it tears him apart.

Poor Severus! It's been a long time between drinks for him, Tonks is good looking and personable enough to attract him, a little sincere tenderness on her part, and a night in bed together, and he would be ready to give her his heart and soul.

That's his problem, really, when he was young he was so quick to love if someone was kind to him, and he got very badly burned, and now he stops people being kind to him, and very effectively, too, with sneers and cutting words, not to mention liberal applications of Alchemists' Oil. Particularly Harry and Neville, he runs no risk of them being kind to him, they're lighting rods for all of Severus' "issues", that's the Muggle word, and a very expressive word, too, Severus has such a lot of issues. Their faces alone are enough to press his buttons, oh why do they have to be the very images of James and Alice?

Poor Neville! Neville's timorousness brings out the very worst in Severus, he's not a bully who picks on people because they are smaller and weaker than himself, it's just that weakness terrifies him, and he knows only one response to fear, and that is rage.

And Harry has Lily's eyes, which remind Severus that he couldn't save Lily, he didn't know about Pettigrew, he wasn't deep enough in Voldemort's plans, he failed last time but he won't fail this time, he'll do whatever it takes. And he'll drive Harry to do whatever it takes, he believes that the weapon must be tempered in fire and in ice, he'll never understand why Harry was sent to live with his Muggle relatives, he believes Harry should have been brought up amongst wizards and trained from an early age to defeat the Dark Lord with his own Dark Arts. And then we would have a new Dark Lord to replace the old one …

Severus catches up with him just as he is about to step into the street, nods briefly to him, carefully avoiding eye contact. He knows immediately that something has gone very, very wrong, hell and damnation you don't need to be a Legilimens to know that Severus is thinking just keep out of my head, Dumbledore, tonight just keep out of my head, tonight I even hate you.